DK Vine: What is the Donkey Kong Universe?

 
WHAT???

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You've probably heard one of us bitching about so called "cameo games". But, like, what even is that shit? Well, sitchya ass down and I'll tell you.

A "cameo game" is an appearance of a DKU character in a non-DKU series. The game itself is DKU, but it is still classified differently than pure DKU games. For instance, cameo games are self-contained affairs. Just because DK and pals occasionally like to hit the green in the Mushroom Kingdom, doesn't mean we're going to cover every Mario game. Hence, Mario Golf is DKU, but New Super Mario Bros 2: All New Levels is NOT.

WAZZAAAAAA.

Wanker-uigi, more like! HAHAHA DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE??

Of course, following the rest of the rules as-is wouldn't necessarily even create a problem. If you treat a cameo appearance the same as any other DKU game, it doesn't mean we'd have to cover those other games necessarily because any and all characters that appear in the cameo game would have debuted before the cameo in question. The only time a distinction really needs to be made is when a character debuts in a cameo game. Let's examine Waluigi for example. See, Waluigi debuted in Mario Tennis on the N64, a DKU game. Because of this, Waluigi would technically be a DKU character, and therefore any game in which he appears would be DKU even if DK wasn't there (Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix for example).

The notion that this very Mario-centric character is actually a DKU character, and can make clearly Mario-only games DKU is absurd, hence why cameo games are given a special distinction. Characters introduced in Cameos are only considered a part of that game's parent series, and not DKU characters. This is called the Waluigi rule, and for preventing Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix from being DKU, we owe it our firstborn child.

Aside from the aforementioned dance-classic, this has saved our ass on a couple of occasions. For instance, Roy, the Fire Emblem character that was playable in Super Smash Bros. Melee, actually made his western debut in that game. Roy's inclusion was meant to promote the latest Fire Emblem game, but this game only came out in Japan, and because the DKU only follows western releases (because we're RACIST), that means that Roy technically debuted in Melee and would've been a DKU character... which means that when a Fire Emblem game featuring Roy finally did come to western audiences, it would've been DKU! Naturally, this would open a whole can of worms for what games could eventually tie themselves to the DKU. I had My dog had worms once, and it wasn't good, so for preventing this, we owe the Waluigi Rule our second born child as well. HE FUCKING LOVES KIDS.

Another example also arises from the Super Smash Bros. series. Master Hand, a character appearing in each Smash Bros. game, was also featured as a boss in Kirby and the Amazing Mirror*. One can only imagine the number of irrelevant Kirby games THAT could've roped in, and for preventing this, we owe the Waluigi Rule our-- fuck it, Waluigi, you can just have any kids we have all right?

But this Waluigi clause isn't the only place where cameo-controversy can occur. The whole Smash Bros. series in general is a bit of a wankery quandary. Are the characters in Super Smash Bros. toys, or are they trophies? And if so, are they actually physical appearances of the characters or not? If it's just a trophy of Donkey Kong, then wouldn't that mean it's not DKU?

Well, we believe they are in fact real characters...

...I mean, OBVIOUSLY! Examining each game's circumstances, we can deduce a number of things. First of all, Super Smash Bros. on the N64 seems to suggest that Master Hand is simply a child (well, levetating hand-thing) playing with toys, and that it's all fake. However, both Super Smash Bros. Melee and Super Smash Bros. Brawl propose that they aren't toys, but trophies. And rewatching the Smash 64 intro, some have come to the conclusion that it's not even meant to be taken literally. The notion of the child playing with toys is metaphorically similar to what may actually be taking place, and that is that Master Hand is a deity that has summoned all these Nintendo fighters across space and time to fight for his amusement.

So assuming they ain't toys, is it possible that they're just trophies instead? Well, Super Smash Bros. Brawl actually shows the characters being themselves under normal circumstances, and the trophy state actually being imposed on them through the use of a magic gun. With this in mind, we can deduce that the characters have always been themselves, and they get turned into trophies, not the other way around.

Doctor Whoooo, HEY! Doctor Who.

Peter Davison being fingered by Richard Hurndall.

But hey, if you've ever watched the mid-'80s Doctor Who CLASSIC "The Five Doctors" you'll find this shit a walk in the park! Or, at least, a walk in the Death Zone on Gallifrey (HAVE I ESTABLISHED MY NERD CREDENTIALS YET?). Master Hand is (SPOILERS!!!) Borousa, Subspace is the Death Zone, Tabuu is, er, Rassilon? Er, do you see? Fuck off and watch more rubbish, decades-old British sci-fi you IGNORANT PRICK.

Ehem. Anyway. You can argue one way or another, but it's the official position of this site that they are in fact real characters, and legitimate DKU appearances of Donkey Kong. Disagree? Well, the alternative is we don't cover the Smash Bros. games, and we aren't some kind of series purists who will actively turn away a fun game over a rather arbitrary technicality. If it looks like a Donkey Kong, acts like a Donkey Kong, walks, flies, and quacks like a Donkey Kong, then it's a Donkey Kong.

So there you go! You now know everything you need to know about the cameo game distinction, and are ready to assimilate with the masses once more! I suggest you find a girlfriend immediately (n.b. we're usually pretty equal opportunities here, but if you're reading this shit I KNOW you're a bored heterosexual male), and settle down as soon as possible. And, erm, have lots of kids. Yeah, a whole bunch of them. Waluigi is definitely not making me say this! This certainly has nothing to do with his insatiable need for more of our children. Definitely not. Hehe.. wait, oh god Waluigi, what are you doing to that child? OH GOD, WHA-

*It should be noted that Master Hand may arguably be the recurring (but unnamed) hand character that appears in many Kirby games' Game Over screens, and therefore wouldn't be a DKU character anyway. If that's the case, then, er, we want our children back!

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