Andrey's Totally Random Late-Night DKU Abuse


Don't worry. They're just rubber bullets...It's late at night, the moon is bright and I have school tomorrow. Does this mean I'm off to bed like any self-respecting individual that wants to rack up at least seven decent hours of sleep before he is torn from bed by the razor-edged beats of his local soft-rock radio station? No. I'm going to sit here and type up a feature for all you late-nighters out there. It will be totally random, it will make no sense and it will be loosely DKU-themed. Another theme it will loosely orbit is hate. I'm in that mood right now, so I'm going to sit here and mercilessly pile on some of your favourite DKU games. It's the middle of the night here, so if it isn't wherever you are, I suggest you wait until it is before reading on. Nobody's ever watched "Late Night With Conan O'Brian" on a Tuesday morning with a bowl of Cheerios, know what I mean?

Mario Tennis
First things first. What the hell were these people thinking? It may have taken the gaming public a week to realize this, but the developers knew from the beginning that what they were doing could only be considered as Pong in disguise. That's right! Pong! The first videogame EVER! Mario Tennis was hailed at the Electronics Entertainment Expo of 2000, but only because even Pong is fun if it's played in short intervals after a long wait in line. Bloody embarrassing.

Conker's BFD
And speaking of short intervals after a long wait, where the hell did the rest of this game go? Sure, it's deep and everything and the shallow humor is merely a facade, but apparently so is the title "rewarding gameplay experience". It was fun, but not exactly an orgasm. And some orgasms last longer. The only reason this game has a timer at all is because of all the bloody talk. I don't know about you, but seven hours of Chris Seavor growling to himself on slightly varying octaves doesn't exactly float my boat.

DK64
Here's a game that missed its boat entirely. What the hell happened? Where did everything go wrong? It probably all started with the decision to just make a bunch of really big places and find ways to make Kongs walk around in them. Then walk around some more. And walk around until your thumb goes numb from walking. Oh look- it's an enemy that just faded into existence a kilometer away. Could this be time for some heavy action-oriented combat? No, no. I'll just slowly shoot him with my ballistic projectile weapon made out of wood. At least Wrinkly had the sense to die- but even that didn't buy her a ticket out of this dumpster.

Banjo-Kazooie
Project Dream? Project Nightmare. The character "voices" were fun for exactly two seconds and then there was just the speaker-piercing cry of "Guh-huh" that went on for an eternity. Any game with more things to collect than there are uses for is an unnecessar effort. And there were things in this game we couldn't even collect. We had to wait for this atrocity:

Banjo-Tooie
Look, everyone- it's Banjo-Kazooie, only with twice as much land, twice the framerate problems and...fewer things to collect? In what twisted reality does that make sense? Everything that happened in Banjo-Kazooie is almost totally ignored including Mumbo's appearance, the ice key, the eggs and even Banjo's direct relatives. No game is an island, but apparently almost all of Rare's games take place on one. Why don't they just make a Jurassic Park game and get it over with?

Super Smash Bros
Storylines are such stupid things. Lets not have one at all. I suppose that was the plan, in which case- mission accoplished, boys. Who, by the way, came up with the excellet idea of having a "fighting polygon team" and therefore not having to make up extra characters or even texture old ones? A lot of care put in to this title, I can see. An innovative feature at the end allows me to pause the credits, which is good in case I want to know exactly who to add to my "List of people to rub out".

Mario Party
Oh don't make me laugh. If this is entertainment, so is watching a rat run in it's little rat-running thing. Except here, your thumb also gets blisters on it. Good work, Nintendo. If you are really gearing your games towards children, perhaps you should look into what the parties they actually go to are like.

Mario Party Sequels
Look! More lab rats! Only this one is wearing a funny hat and this one is in a funny costume? What's that? They're running in a new wheel? No, no. It's the same wheel. Only a different color.

Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
Ha! Where do I start taking this piece of trash apart? First of all, it was a...and it...oh, I can't do it. I can't. This game was perfect. Aw, damn. Now the whole feature is ruined. I'm supposed to be dark and evil. *sigh*

I guess I'll go to bed. Good night, everyone. See you next time. AT THE GATES OF HELL! Sorry. Slipped out.

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