Andrey's Totally Random Late-Night DKU Abuse Part 2: Crap To the Future

Does anybody know where Chad is? Submerged somewhere unfathomably deep, possibly! Houston is flooded and our beloved white-faced rogue has disappeared. What does that make me? Angry! And what happens when I'm angry, it's late and there are tests in school tomorrow? The Late-Night DKU Abuse happens, that's what! A totally random, uncalled-for and exaggerated roast of anything DKU that I can get my hands on. Tonight, we'll take a look at some of the GCN gems we can all look forward to in the near future. With our 44mm rifles loaded, I might add.

Star Fox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet
I'm sorry, what were people smoking when this happened?

The first thing we'll have glaring hungrily at our wallets come Christmas time is SFA. Sure, this game may have seemed like fun a year ago when people still cared and it was for the N64- maybe it would have carried some weight- breathed some life into a dead console, but no. Rare had to delay and re-decorate. Guess what? Nobody cares anymore. Hardcore Star Fox fans will be put off by the absence of space-blasting and sudden abundance of warm-blooded reptiles and DP followers mostly cringe at the site of a fartsy, aging Peppy and frighteningly affeminite Slippy. This isn't to mention the new hero himself, whose constant open mouth not only probably catches him a few too many bugs, but also reflects his apparent dislike of marginally upgraded N64 graphics on a next-gen console. One look at the cardboard cutout trees in the screenshot above is enough to send any good-natured gamer back to their Super Nintendo where something like this at-least fit in. Also to be noted are the map to the bottom left, the three-digit cash count to the bottom right, the C-assignment display in the top right and those little hearts in the top left. I keep half-expecting a fairy to spring from Fox's backpack with stifled, anal shouts of "Hello" and "Listen".

Super Smash Bros: Melee
Obviously the most popular character to ever grace the DKU.

What happens when a trite and nonsensical game is an accidnetal success? Well, there's no way in hell we could possibly get some kind of improvement, is there? Nope. We get an even more trite and even more nonsensical sequel. Not only is it filled with even more characters that nobody gives a wooden damn about, but apparently features misleading "bios" of many more. What do people want from a fighting game, though? Fighting, right? Well you'll be happy to know that this part hasn't changed basically at all. There is no innovation, except maybe one or two new moves. New territory is being explored only in battle arenas, most of which are just upgrades of the N64 ones anyway. At least Nintendo may not suffer the humiliation of having characters fall vertically in outer space and then seemingly "hit" some kind of "bottom". Somehow, however, I'm sure they will think up a few brand new ways to shame themselves in high-res. One look at Captain Falcon here and you know the characters in the sequel will be just loaded with polygons. Ones that are going to waste on stupid biography models and hardly being used at all as far as backgrounds are concerned. Perhaps some should be re-invested. Personally, I hope those on-coming F-Zero cars hit Falcon and leave him for dead. What fool poses on a racetrack, anyway?

Donkey Kong Racing
Milking a franchise to the best of one's ability

Ah- the glory days of Donkey Kong Country. How we sad, pathetic old-timers hope to someday relive those moments. Rare know this and so on comes Donkey Kong Racing- a game that sucks DKC fanatics into a black, abysmal maw and doesn't release until you realize how mislead you have been. You may be salivating over all the apparent DKC series characters now- and hoping that the magic will finally be back- but you have to remember that you were acting exactly the same way when DK64 rolled around. And how much magic did that get you? About as much as a bus-stop magician with three cards and a sick, white pigeon in his hat, vomitting on his only wilting bouquet of flowers. Not only will this game probably screw the DKU up forever in terms of character size (have you looked at Taj lately?), but it will probably also hold all the lasting appeal of a thimble-full of orange juice. Can anyone else say twelve levels of redundant loopiness and seventeen different shades of the same animal? Since when does DK need a rope to ride Rambi, anyway? Where did all the technology from DKR go? Up someone's arse, apparently, although I must say that all the FMVs Rare showed us of this game (1) really do make it clear that we know absolutely nothing about gameplay whatsoever. Perhaps it's better kept that way, what with Mickey's Speedway USA being the new Rare Racer standard. I wonder if they'll be foolish enough to bring Wizpig back. Ah well. With a 2002 release and the game already announced and ready for delaying, I'm sure it won't be long before we've spoiled it for ourselves fully without actually playing it.

Mario Kart GCN
Oh, I won't even bother. It's ridiculous. Ridiculous.

Well, that about wraps it up. No GCN stone left unturned, eh? Except for all that garbage that still hasn't been confirmed, of course. We can all look forward to that, no doubt. Perhaps some day, if you're good and I'm real angry again, a Gameboy DKU Abuse will see the light of day. And slash at it menacingly with a wooden razor.

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