Andrey's Totally Random Late-Night DKU Abuse Part 3: Gameboy Advance- An Oxymoron?
Well, I'm on holiday now so you might think I'd be too happy to do a DKU Abuse, but you'd think wrong! Guess where I went today? School- that's where. They called me up and said they were having an award ceremony and I was getting one so I should come on down. Well, it turns out I wasn't to get any real award because I don't exhibit any particular meritable skills (My involvement in the one-act plays doesn't count because they were stricken from history for some reason and not even mentioned in the all-knowing "Year Book"). Instead, I was what you call an "honorable mention". I got a piece of paper at the end of the whole thing- one I could have created at home in ten minutes- and had my picture taken with twenty others. I felt like I was on display at some reject zoo. To make things worse, the honorable mentions were divided into honorable, with stars next to their names, and the not-so-honorable, with no stars. Guess what I was? They should've just mailed the damned thing to my house! Luckily I didn't bring my parents to this disaster because they had left the country- a smart move. I can imagine the scathing commentary on my father's part, if I had. Well, it's one in the morning and I'm mad. So guess what? It's time for some Gameboy Advance Abuse! I thought I'd call this Gameboy AdPANTS! But that's been whored out way too much lately. So. On to the DKU behemoths lumbering in the direction of your GBA in the near future. And how far away from them you should run.
Mario Kart Super Circuit
I don't think I really have to go into this, do I? I mean, we're talking the same game you've been playing for decades here! Innovation, again, eludes us as we spend our money on a game that has taken Mario Kart 64 and then taken a few determined steps backwards. I love you, Shigeru Miyamoto! I'm sure you were "heavily involved" with this title!!11!!1! Sure- GBA is incapable of matching the N64's graphics, but shouldn't we, then, try to channel what it can do in some kind of original direction? Nope. Instead we get a crazy hybrid of Mario Kart SNES and Mario Kart 64, with flat landscapes and "familiar" (which is code for redundantly over-used) characters. Well, at least you can finally play what looks like Mario Kart SNES with four people. That should be fun, right? Maybe. Then you must consider that everyone needs to own a GBA and, with the usual set-up of one dominant light-source per room and a head-to-head-no-peeking-at-my-screen-Roger policy, somebody's screen will always be in the dark. Other than that, sounds like fun. Count me in for some holding down one button and travelling in circles fun!
Diddy Kong Pilot
After looking at the positively horrible MRSC we can firmly put our foot down and say that the last thing the GBA needs is more unoriginal N64-inspired, de-evolutionary racers. Right? Wrong! In the finest traditions of F-Zero Whateverty and Mario Kart Original Name comes Diddy Kong Pilot! You see how they avoided making it a Diddy Kong Racing clone by calling it "Pilot" instead of "Piloting"? Wait- am I saying this game is a clone? Of course not. Clones are exactly the same as their original parents. DKP is the piece of DKR that everyone forgot, taken and flattened out with a big metal thing. Of course, the game happens entirely in the air, which sounds kind-of innovative- what I usually bitch about these things not having, right? But maybe somebody should've sat down and thought quietly, before undetaking this project, "If people are in the air and can fly over the screen, how the hell will they know where in blazes they're going? The very core of any racer- the track- is a very loosely defined thing in this game and you could be flying over identical ice, lava or water textures for minutes streight before you realize that...wait...the track is that-a-way. Highly anticipated, of course, is Dixie Kong's return, which couldn't have been any more quiet and uneventful. After all, it's not Dixie who's returning. It's the back of her head.
Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge
And in this completely unexpected offering, Rare prove that, when in doubt, it's always okay to play the alternate universe card. When they realized that this game was basically going to be Banjo-Kazooie without a moveable camera and choppier animation, Rare went and had it take place right afterwards, ignoring any progress made by Banjo-Tooie. Ten Mexican Children say that there won't be any sign of Tootie, though. I bet we'd all forgotten, in our "next generation" what a 4x4 tileset was. Let me give you a hint by directing you at DKVine's site background. You see that? Now make it a bit brighter, decrease the tile size by...a lot...and but some things on it and you get BK: GR's "world"! Sound like fun? Well guess what you'll be doing? This being Rare's chance to get some fast side-scrawling action going, you'd expect that, right? DKC4? Naah. Lets have some more tedious, pointless collecting! Why pointless? Because anything and everything that happens in this game is pointless. It's in a different universe, remember? It could be a gay porno game (on a Nintendo system? What's wrong with that? They're supposedly "maturing" with their next-gen system launches, aren't they?) and it wouldn't matter because when we put down our GBAs and went outside the next morning, Banjo would still be a virgin. But what if this is the real Banjo and the universe of 'Kazooie and 'Tooie is the alternate one? This kind of mind-boggling crap is exactly why "Harsh Realm" was restricted to cable only. And it's exactly why BK: GR shouldn't happen. Or maybe it didn't and this is just an alternate univ...ah crap.
Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers
This will be easy because this game is crap. I don't even think I need to elaborate. It is crap. I think this fact is obvious to everyone. It makes no sense, there is no point, and I doubt anyone cares. You probably stopped reading this as soon as you saw the title, anyway. When I first saw it, I thought it was about crackers. Dry whafery things that are either salted or unsalted. Nope. It's about...um...well, nobody's quite sure what the hell it's about, but it involves big blocky things and dropping coconuts full of paint on them. There's also Kremlings and Animal buddies involved there, but all they really do is run around on the blocky things in a manor that is, for the most part, beyond your control and possibly even comprehension. Whatever happened to the simple pleasures of Tetris? I miss those days when a 2-D puzzle game wasn't made because "it was time for one" but because somebody actually had a decent idea. DK's name shouldn't be attached to this. Who the hell are the Coconut Crackers, anyway?
Right. So that's it for tonight. I feel better. How bout you? Hey- whoa. No need for that. I know which finger that is, young man. Thanks for listening. I'm off to hit things. G'night.
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