The First Annual Arseademy Awards


Many Donkey Kong Universe games come out a year. In the many awards that videogame websites and magazines put out, they constantly get overlooked. So why not give every DKU game a fair shake and put them up against each other? That way the awards will clearly be biased, because all the nominees are from our favorite game series! Welcome to the First Annual Arseadamy Awards. There are no lame musical numbers! No corny jokes among presenters! No shots of the losers in the audience clapping for the winners! And no homosexual parties afterwards! Who will win a Banjo tonight? Let's see!

Best Graphics
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 2 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Donkey Kong 64 - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Conker's Pocket Tales - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Golf (GBC) - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG 64!

Donkey Kong 64 was hands down, the best display of graphics this year, and quite possibly, ever. Every aspect of this monstrous title took the system's capabilities to the extreme, and showed that there was life on the Nintendo 64 yet. While the leap from previous games may not have been as mentionable as 1994's Donkey Kong Country, they were nonetheless incredible. Animation sequences were numerous and varied. Every character had humerous quirks thrown into their movements which subtley added realism to the game that is missing in so many others. The models and overall shading was like nothing seen before. Light splashed vividly onto characters, the game ran at perfect speeds, and 109 moves were carried out; all without a single visible polygon. This game was a true triumph in the graphics category, and next year's games will have a tough time contending with Donkey Kong 64.




Best Sound
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 2 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Donkey Kong 64 - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Conker's Pocket Tales - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Super Smash Bros. - Nintendo 64 (HAL)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG 64!

Once again, it was no surprise that the Banjo of sound goes to the big gorilla's 3-D adventure. The characters in the game each made noises that were incredibly varied and went perfectly with the character themself. Everything from Donkey Kong's "Cooool" to Candy's idiotic giggling breathed life into the speakers on millions of televisions worldwide. The music in the game was incredible, and was tied only by 1995's Donkey Kong Country 2 and 1998's Banjo-Kazooie. The tunes provided references to previous games, from the DKC2-like Gloomy Galleon to the oh-so familiar beat in Jungle Japes. Some games over the years may have passed Donkey Kong 64's audial splendor, but it will nonetheless remain a tribute to game musicians and sound technicians everywhere.




Best Play Control
and the nominees are....
Super Smash Bros. - Nintendo 64 (HAL)
Donkey Kong 64 - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Mario Golf - Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Mario Golf - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)

and the Banjo goes to...MARIO GOLF (GBC)!

Some may be awestruck by this awarding, but upon playing the game they would agree that Mario Golf for Game Boy Color is the rightful deserver. Everything in this game took its Nintendo 64 counterpart and improved on it. Previous golf games have failed to have the accuracy and wonderful control setup of Mario Golf, and there was an actual RPG to boot! While the closest contender, Donkey Kong 64, had wonderful controls set up from observing years of platformers, it were basically what was expected. Mario Golf succeeded on taking a seemingly impossible 3-D game and turning it into a 2-D control masterpiece.




Best Story
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 2 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Donkey Kong 64 - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Mario Golf - Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Conker's Pocket Tales - (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG 64!

DK64 seems to be somewhat sweeping the awards this year, doesn't it? And rightfully so. The story to this game may not appear spectacular at first glance, but the story actually built upon previous Donkey Kong games. Most series forget about past events, but so far the DKU has kept the story consistent. In 1995, the Kremling island was destroyed, and DK64 tells the tale of the revenge of the Kremlings. We are fortunate to have such a solid story in the DK series, and enthusiastically await new chapters.




Most Fun Single Player Game
and the nominees are....
Super Smash Bros.-Nintendo 64 (HAL)
Conker's Pocket Tales-Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Golf-Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Mario Golf-Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Donkey Kong 64-Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Mario Party 2-Nintendo 64 (Hudson)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG 64!

Donkey Kong 64 has been called the "War and Peace" of platformers, and it's single player mode has been tweaked to near perfection. It had very little in the way of competition though, as most of the other games concentrated on multi-player modes. That doesn't take away from the fact that it's the best single player game in DKU history though. Congratulations DK64 and Rareware.




Most Fun Multi-Player Game
and the nominees are....
Super Smash Bros.-Nintendo 64 (HAL)
Mario Golf-Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Mario Golf-Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Donkey Kong 64-Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Mario Party 2-Nintendo 64 (Hudson)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS.!

This could be considered an upset victory, especially since Super Smash Bros. was going up against Mario Party 2 (which some of you out there probably think should be the rightful winner). We went with SSB because of sheer wickedness. How much fun is it to get some of Nintendo's brightest characters (or most wretched, if you include the Pokemon) and beat the shite out of them? This game was a dream come true, because for years you've always talked and dreamed about which character was tougher. And of course, Chad and I discovered DK was it (being the biased little pricks we are). Congratulations Super Smash Bros. and HAL.




Best Portable Game
and the nominees are....
Conker's Pocket Tales-Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Golf-Game Boy Color (Camelot

and the Banjo goes to...MARIO GOLF!

Wondering how CPT, a game we praised so hard (and a game made by Rare, who we suck up to as much as possible), lost out to Mario Golf for Game Boy Color? Well, this was a tough decision, and it was close (REAL close). The fact is, Mario Golf has more replay value, is more innovative, and has more depth. Not to take away the fact that CPT is one arse shaving good time, but golf is what Camelot does best, and it outshined CPT in this case. Congratulations Mario Golf and Camelot.




Best Console Game
and the nominees are....
Super Smash Bros.-Nintendo 64 (HAL)
Mario Golf-Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Donkey Kong 64-Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Mario Party 2-Nintendo 64 (Hudson)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG 64!

Was there any doubt? DK64 is the current DKU game to end all DKU games. It was the most anticipated, and the wait was worth it. DK64 clearly swept the awards tonight. What else can we say about it that hasn't already been said? Congratulations Donkey Kong 64 and Rareware.




And so concludes tonight's festivities. It was a good night for Rare, and DK64 in particular! Too bad Hudson Soft will be the one who goes home, beats on his celebrity girlfriend, and snorts fifteen pounds of cocaine. Oh well.....GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!