The Second Annual Arseademy Awards


Many Donkey Kong Universe games come out a year. In the many awards that videogame websites and magazines put out, they constantly get overlooked. So why not give every DKU game a fair shake and put them up against each other? That way the awards will clearly be biased, because all the nominees are from our favorite game series! Welcome to the Second Annual Arseadamy Awards. There are no lame musical numbers! No corny jokes among presenters! No shots of the losers in the audience clapping for the winners! And no homosexual parties afterwards (or so they would have you inclined to believe). Who will win a Banjo tonight? Let's see!

Best Graphics
and the nominees are....
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Tennis - Game Boy Color (Camelot)

and the Banjo goes to...CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY!

Conker's Bad Fur Day was more of an interactive movie than it was a video game. It worked wonderfully, and the graphics were wonderful as well. The emotion that's displayed visually from the characters is simply outstanding, and it's perhaps the best thing that will ever be seen on the Nintendo 64. Banjo-Tooie was more about the gameplay than it was the graphics, and Donkey Kong Country would have won if this was a portable exclusive category. I have it on good authority that Jesus himself has nothing to do with this, but I just wanted to type Jesus.




Best Sound
and the nominees are....
Mario Tennis - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY!

Conker's Bad Fur Day, as mentioned above, plays more to the senses (except touch, taste, and smell) than it does to gameplay. It works perfectly, and the sound is fantastic as well. What would good graphics be without equally impressive sound to back it up? Nothing. Would you rather be deaf or blind? How about neither? If you voted for the latter, then you'll understand why we gave the first two awards to BFD.




Best Play Control
and the nominees are....
Mario Tennis - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Tennis - Game Boy Color (Camelot)

and the Banjo goes to...BANJO-TOOIE!

I want you to do something. Go play Banjo-Tooie. Then try and play Super Mario 64, Banjo-Kazooie, or Donkey Kong 64. It will be damned near impossible, because B-T's controls are so simple, it's astounding. There are so many moves to perform, and yet Rare made it so easy, it almost comes second nature. Banjo-Tooie is the pinnacle of 3-D action/collecting games.




Best Story
and the nominees are....
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Tennis - Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY!

Conker's Bad Fur Day has the most outright and absolutely retarded plot of any game we've ever played. The thing is laughably stupid, but there's a reason it wins: The whole plot is one big mockery of itself and games in general. Rare had some big balls on this one, and for that alone, they get the Banjo.




Most Fun Single Player Game
and the nominees are....
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Tennis - Game Boy Color (Camelot)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY!

This was a close one. Banjo-Tooie, DKC, and BFD all deserve a piece of this award. In the end, we had to give it to BFD. It was shorter than B-T, but it was still plenty sweet. B-T was a deeper adventure, but BFD has something that will keep you rolling on the ground every five seconds, so you'll be constantly entertained. Conker's Bad Fur Day is sweeping these awards. And we're a classy show too! Even though if we were so classy, we wouldn't you "and" to start a sentence...




Most Fun Multi-Player Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Tennis - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...BANJO-TOOIE!

What in tarnation? A Rare game actually beats a cameo game in this category? It's true, and Banjo-Tooie has one of the best multi-player modes seen for it's genre in some time. It's not perfect, but it can be fun, especially the Goldeneye/Perfect Darkish first person shootouts. Now if only we could find Bottles Revenge...




Best Portable Game
and the nominees are....
Donkey Kong Country - Game Boy Color (Rare)
Mario Tennis - Game Boy Color (Camelot)

and the Banjo goes to...DONKEY KONG COUNTRY!

Revenge can be so sweet. Last year, Mario Golf for the GBC beat out Conker's Pocket Tales in this category. This year, Rare gets the laugh on Camelot. Riddle me this. How can DKC, a port of the classic first entry in the DKU, seem like an entirely new game? It's just incredibly enjoyable to play, and makes us pine for the days of 2-D glory once again. Maybe Rare will let us live our dreams on GCN...




Best Console Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Tennis - Nintendo 64 (Camelot)
Banjo-Tooie - Nintendo 64 (Rare)
Conker's Bad Fur Day - Nintendo 64 (Rare)

and the Banjo goes to...MARIO TE...we mean...CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY!

BFD is a revolutionary game, and not just for its mature attitude. There are so many things we could say about it right now, but we're sure to say it again elsewhere on the site, so we'll just leave it as this. Any game that incorporates masturbation humor when you set down the controller is okay in our book.




And so concludes tonight's festivities. See you next year, unless some unforseen circumstance happens to occur, like a nuclear winter, the entire Vine staff closing up shop to get real jobs, or Nintendo closes us down for copyright infringement. As Keanu Reeves would say, "STATION!"