The Third Annual Arseademy Awards

Battle of the Cameo Game All-Stars

Many Donkey Kong Universe games come out a year... and usually there's one or two developed by Rareware in the batch. Not this time, though! No, during the course of this Arseademy Awards year, the hands of fate have thrown a monkey wrench in the Arseademy's plans, and the only three DKU games released were that of a sinister cameo nature. We considered canceling the ceremonies, but being the fifth largest text-based awards show centering around Donkey Kong games, you just can't do that. Another major problem was the fact that all the cameo developers wouldn't be on hand to accept their awards, since they're hard at work on the next generation of viral cameo GAMECUBE goodness. So instead, we've managed to obtain a wide array of celebrities to accept each individual award on the developers' behalf. So sit back, crack open a Smirnoff, and prepare yourself for the unadulterated glory of a faux-Hollywood awards show. Hey, we can say fuck this year!

Best Graphics
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Jeff Goldblum!)

"Uh... yes, well um, as you can see, Smash Brothers has won this award, and while I'm, you know, up here on this... wooden area of presentation, accepting this, well... what appears to be a golden bear of sorts, I have to honestly say, I didn't care for the game much at all. Oh, sure... ooh, ah, that's how it starts... but later there's running, and screaming. The, uh, the only way to successfully dismantle the game's shields is to upload the virus in the alien mothership, and to um, to undertake such a task is something so dangerous that I wonder why science tampered with it in the first place. Um, the uh, the chaos theory. Thank... thank you."





Best Sound
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Dennis Miller!)

"Well, chocko, the quintessential queen of character combat, Super Smash Bros. Melee, has won the award for the least cancerous cacaphony. It's like Theadra sitting in the halls of Attica while the Mark of Michigan is on their way with a couple rounds of Glaser Safety Slugs. It's like Mary, Queen of Scotts, hanging from the tiles of the local Get and Zip while Ra the Sun God bestows her with the riches of the Mundugumor. Anyway, thank you for your time, even though it's as insignifigant as the night Gallagher went to the Tillamook County Fair to bob for the hidden African cichlids, pallaroo."





Best Play Control
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...MARIO KART SUPER CIRCUIT!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Kevin Bacon!)

"Okay, since I really don't know what to say right now, because of the fact that I've never even played this game, I thought I'd spend my time doing something I've always wanted to do. I'm going to play Six Degress of Kevin Bacon, and I'm going to do it with Mario Kart Super Circuit. Alright, alright, be quiet. Let me think... hmm. Mario is in this game, Captain Lou Albano played Mario in that show from the early '90s... okay, hold on... Captain Lou Albano worked with Hulk Hogan in his wrestling career, Hulk Hogan worked with David Arquette in wrestling as well, David Arquette was in that Elvis movie about a year ago with Kevin Costner, and... Kevin Costner was in JFK with ME! Dude, I AM at the center of the fucking universe! It just blows my fucking mind. This from a guy that was in Tremors."





Best Story
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...MARIO PARTY 3!
(Accepting on the behalf of Hudson is Carrot Top!)

"Okay now, I bet you're wondering what this thing is. This is a Gentle Ben voodoo doll. Rar, take that Gentle Ben! Whoa, whoa, don't leave your seats! Okay, so it's not that. It's... what a forest ranger slash body builder uses to lift with! I'm going to pump you up the mountain! Haha... hey! I don't appreciate you calling my mother that, sir. Oh! If you're going to call your mother, dial down the center! 1-800-CALL-ATT! Hey, you in the front row, can I get your number now? Hey, that's not very lady-like!"





Most Fun Single Player Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Ken Lobb!)

"It's only been a few weeks since I've left Nintendo for Microsoft, and here I am, accepting an award for my former employer. I find that somewhat amusing, but no matter, it gives me a hell of an oppurtunity. You see, now that I work for Microsoft, I can no longer experience my true passion, and that's giving the old verbal fetallio to my good buddies at Rareware. So, in the next ten seconds, I'm going to get as much of it out of my system as I can. Hey, maybe they'll even name a weapon after me in StarFox Adventures that won't suck! Okay, here we go. Banjo-Kazooie? Great game. Banjo-Tooie? Even greater game. Banjo-Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge? I'd kill my mother to play it. Donkey Kong 64? I'd kill Jesus to play it. Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers? I'd hijack an airplane and ram it into skyscrapers to play it. Hey... my microphone has just been cut off. I'm yelling this right now! Turn my microphone back on, damn you! I haven't even gotten to the holy book of Sabrewulf yet! Oh, fudge it. Buy Windows!"





Most Fun Multi-Player Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is The Guy That's Involved With The Woman Slush Loves!)

"Oh ho ho ho. To all of you puny Earthlings, I'm not going to take this award back to Nintendo. The Qwards have instructed me to keep it in my condo in the Antimatter Universe. By obtaining this award, I now possess the two most treasured items in the universe: a Golden Banjo and the woman Slush loves. And Slush will never get near her again, because I've surrounded her with a yellow energy barrier! That will teach Slush, the Corps, and the Guardians of the Universe to dare mess with Chr... *ahem*, I mean... Sinestro!"





Best Portable Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Kart Super Circuit - Game Boy Advance (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...THE ONLY POSSIBLE NOMINATED ENTRY!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Burt Ward!)

"Why did I get stuck with the award that was already set in stone who was going to win it? I bet it's because I'm dressed like Robin right now, isn't it? You think I'm a ridiculous middle-aged freak who can't let go of something, don't you? This is just a horrible, unlikely occurance, I can assure you. I was drinking punch at the pre-show party, and I happened to spill it on my tuxedo. Then, when I went into the bathroom to try and wash it off, the soap had a strange chemical reaction to the skin on my hands, turning it green. Washing vigorously to get it off, some of it splashed up into my eyes, so I wiped my them with my black hankerchief, but the soap somehow bonded it to my face, forcing me to cut out eyeholes so I could see through it. Oh, you don't believe me? You think I'M PROUD OF THIS? WELL YOU BITE ME IN MY SKIMPY GREEN TIGHTS, AND SO CAN MARIO KART SUPER CIRCUIT. Holy holocaustal headache..."





Best Console Game
and the nominees are....
Mario Party 3 - Nintendo 64 (Hudson)
Super Smash Bros. Melee - GAMECUBE (Nintendo)

and the Banjo goes to...SUPER SMASH BROS. MELEE!
(Accepting on the behalf of Nintendo is Texas!)

"Howdy, howdy. What pops in your mind when you think of me? The puppet of the Republicans, George W. Bush? Capital punishment? Andrea Yates? Conservative, narrow-minded values? Chad McCanna? Well, now you can add Super Smash Bros. Melee to that list. Haw haw haw! Don't mess with Texas, or I'll sit on you! HAW HAW HAW!"




And so concludes tonight's festivities. Please leave the room in an orderly fashion. Your vehicles have been towed. Your wives have been swapped. There has been a nuclear holocaust, and while you can finally have peace and quiet to read your literature, your glasses have broken in a cruel twist of fate. Good evening.