I Want To Believe

In recent years, aliens have become a more frequent part of the Donkey Kong Universe, and with alien species comes their methods of transportation. Whether they be actual spacecraft, like in Diddy Kong Racing, or simply props for an amusement park, like Banjo-Tooie, the citizens of earth in the DKU are certainly not alone in the universe.

Look, a UFO.  Now this feature is justified. Instead of writing a long, drawn-out feature about the implications of the Kongs making contact with alien life forms, much in the spirit of Slush's ridiculous religion feature, we've got a different treat for you in this unique special. Those amateur Ufologists Chad and Slush team up to take a look at one of the most puzzling UFO mysteries in the real world, something that's been dubbed by some as "JohnBro's Technique," named after the alias of the man who made it well known among UFO-hunting circles. What does this have to do with Donkey Kong, you may ask? Well, with spaceships having been integrated within the DKU for a little less than four years now, why not take a look at the real-world phenomenon of UFOs and Flying Rods, and ask ourselves and the readers, "do these come from beyond our planet, or is there a more Earth-bound explanation?" Whatever the case may be, something freaky is happening in the skies...

Before we start, we must stress to you that these images are 100% undoctored, taken from footage shot around Chad's house. Slush has captured similar phenomina on tape, but doesn't have the means to capture pictures from it.

Let's start with something known in the UFO community as "dots". This sequence was taken from about half a second of film, and you can clearly see the object fly overhead. Before you immediately debunk this as an insect or leaf, the camera used in all these images was being trained near the sun, so any objects visible to the naked eye have thus far been easily identifiable and darkly silhouetted. While Slush has captured many metallic dots on film, such as the one at left (copyright JohnBro), this UFO is less metallic, and has more of a glowing white color to it. It could just be a variation of the metallic design, another type all together, or a single-chambered rod. What's a rod, you may ask?

This is what a an average three-chambered rod looks like. Sadly, some prefer to look the other way when faced with alien evidence.The closest thing we can analogize this to in video game terms, are those creatures that appear in Kokiri Forest (Ocarina of Time) when Link stands still. Not necessarily in structure, but in the movement patterns and opacity. Rods, unlike most of the other sky anamolies, appear to almost be organic in movement, suggesting they're alive, and not artificial craft at all. Rods appear to have a cloaking device that becomes defunct when viewed against an immensely powerful light source such as the sun, and when standing under the right lighting conditioins on the ground (as all the sky mystery objects seem to do). From what we've observed, they move by convoluting the fins on their sides in a wave motion, which gives them extremely quick maneuverability in Earth's atmosphere, and thusly, most rods aren't on film for longer than 1/5 of a second. Let's take a look at some of the rod evidence we've collected.

This appeared fully in only one frame of footage, probably because it was presumably so close to the camera. It is clearly a two-chambered rod (you can tell by the repeating convoluting pattern of the fins), and the motion blur is indicitive of the extreme velocity of this particular example.

Here's a four-frame sequence of what could be another one-chambered rod. These seem to be much more common than the multiple-chambered ones, which suggests that over time they lengthen and their fins convolute more, if they are indeed variations of rods. Here, you can clearly see the corrugated fins in work. Note the almost 'glowing' effect it appears to be giving off, typical of many regular, non-JohnBro UFO sightings. If this isn't a single-chambered rod, then it seems to almost replicate similar daylight sightings in places all over the world, such as Latin America.

This object was on camera for about three frames, entering from the upper-right corner and exiting in the middle of the bottom, traveling in a parabolic curve. While originally thought either an example of a single-chambered rod, indacitive of the number of convolutions in the fins, or a dot, Slush noticed something about this image on closer inspection. He had recently gotten a very odd UFO on film, which had what appeared to be a black, flexible body to it, with a pointed "spear" at the end. It was surrounded by a glowing effect. This appears to be exactly what Slush captured on film, except at a much greater distance. His entered the screen from the upper-left, zoomed to the middle, did a half-ellpitical backflip of sorts (showing that it was three-dimensional in the process), and then sped off to the lower-left hand corner. His theory is that it's neither dot nor rod, but a different kind of craft or creature.

Yet another object, this time with both frames available for you to see. Notice the incredible speed. No known living creature moves that fast, at least to our knowledge.

This is an interesting example of a two-chambered rod. The rod itself lasted about three frames in the footage, but another item captured on film, helping stress that these are not everyday objects, is a bird in the rop-right corner. You can see how powerful a silhouette the bird makes, while the rod remains relatively semitransparent or glowing white.

This is the only three-chambered rod that we've captured on film to date, and it's a startlingly good example for those of you who are still skeptical. This one lasted on camera for two frames, traveling in a down and right diagonal. You can also see here that this particular rod is contorting its fins to provide motion, as described above.

Ah, the sweet sweet honeypot. This is a two-chambered rod that wasn't visible at all on film. The object was traveling so fast, so close to the camera, that the image you see was actually between frames. It took going through the footage frame by frame, and screencapping exactly when the frames switched and this hidden image blipped on the screen. With the clarification at right, you can see the central structure of the object, as well distinguish between the forebround and background undulations of the fins on the side, due to the varying levels of opacity.

So now that you've seen the pictures, just what are these rods, dots, and other rarer shapes that we haven't covered today? There are several theories, none which can be verified, of course, but are interesting nonetheless. Of course, there's the possibility that these are all alien spacecraft. Another theory is that these are an undiscovered creatures living in the sky, moving so fast and cloaked so well that they were undetectable until recent years. Then there's the notion that only the dots are alien spacecraft, while the rods are living creatures, with the other shapes going either way. Both Chad and Slush feel that if this is the case, then the extraterrestrials mimicked the cloaking ability of these creatures for their own ships, with the only way to see through the cloak by doing the JohnBro Technique. So how exactly do you do the JohnBro Technique? Here's the directions.

1. On a clear, sunny day with few clouds, grab a video recorder and take it underneath a shadowy ledge off your home or another object.
2. Position the camera so that the ledge blocks out most of the sun, with only a small portion of it showing on camera, not too much that it would block out the viewpoint.
3. Zoom safely into the corona (or "crown") of the sun, and wait patiently. Within anywhere from a few seconds to a minute, if you set up everything correctly, you should start to pick up these UFOs on film. Remember to always be careful when videotaping the sun. UV sunglasses are recommended.

The television show Sightings spent thousands of dollars to have these objects that appear on camera analyzed. They found out that these are indeed structured, they're at a great distance away, they're not a camera trick or reflection, and they're traveling at a high velocity. They also can't be explained by conventional means.

If you doubt us, try it for yourself. It's the first known method for being able to pick up UFOs on camera anytime you desire, and you can do it in your own backyard. If these are alien in origin, then it means the skies above us are practically an intergalactic superhighway. Think about that the next time you have sex outdoors.