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Bitching About Brawl
May 26, 2007
Salutations! Bob O. Friend here to provide the first entry of my weekly summary on Super Smash Bros. Brawl. I'll be running down what's been divulged over the last week on sites like Smash Bros. DOJO !! (!!?!) and elsewhere, and I'll be doing it every goddamn week until this game is released. Sounds like an enjoyable three minutes of your time, right? Well, my plans were dashed early on when I read some pesky copyright notice at Smash Bros. DOJO !!?! (111!111). Here, I'll let you read it too, assuming you're not illiterate or a housecat staring at your owner's computer monitor:
All content on this website, including articles, artwork, screen shots, graphics, logos, digital downloads and other files, may not be used on any other web site, in any publications, in public performances, in connection with any product or service that is not Nintendo's, in any manner that is likely to cause confusion among customers, in any manner that disparages or discredits Nintendo, or in any manner that is otherwise exploitative for any commercial purpose or that otherwise infringes Nintendo's intellectual property rights.
Ouch! My original plan was to paste every single image from that site onto here so that you'd never have to visit any place other than my man-musk scented column. Nonetheless, I suppose I'll have to concede and find some other way to make my column visually interesting rather than copyright infringement. After all, we wouldn't want Nintendo "discredited," now, would we?
This Week In Characters
1. Mario
Of course the whiny, personality-devoid Italian facsimilie of Micky Mouse would be in the game. It wouldn't be a soulless Nintendo cash cow without his mug plastered all over it. His moveset is promised to be based on incredible jumping prowess, and I have to wonder if I'm the only one who remembers when he was drawn and portrayed as a slovenly fat fuck.
2. Link
Everyone's favorite hero returns in Brawl. Well, one of them does. After all, there's about seven different Links now, right? Nintendo should just go nuts one of these days and have a giant crossover between the various incarnations. Logically, they'd all find themselves far too pretty for adventuring and start man-braiding their hair. Eh, who am I kidding. Nintendo has no clue that there are multiple versions of Link. Hell, they probably need interns to remind them that Link's the main character and not Zelda. After all, keeping track of your protaganist's name makes it "too much of a video game."
3. Pit
The dude from Kid Iracus, Pit is apparently an angel who recently died a grisly death at the hands of his abusive, alcoholic father and arrived in Heaven to become part of God's army against Lucifer. Such overt religious implications make me desperate to play this game so I can kick this douchebag's ass. God, do I ever hate Christians.
This Week In Items
1. Gooey Bomb
A brand new weapon in Smash Bros. lore, the Gooey Bomb is being marketed as an explosive covered in adhesive goo that can stick to the opponent you throw it at. It can also be passed off to another character if they walk past someone who has one stuck to them. You know, I used to get gooey bombs stuck to me, but that's before I shaved my happy trail.
This Week In Stages
1. Battlefield
A generic stage without a character designation, Battlefield differs from its namesake from SSB in that it seemingly doesn't take place in Master Hand's funky disco inferno dimension. Instead, it's on a floating platform in front of a scenic hillside and seems to have Roman-esque ruins littering the background. There are three miniature platforms that you can jump or pass through, and the time of day is either sensitive to the internal clock or changes within a short timespan. Note that I wouldn't have to even tell you all of this if I could have just pasted the actual images of the stage.
On a final note, I'd like to take a moment to say goodbye to a dear friend. I first met Tom Poston back on the set of the original Bob Newhart Show in the early '70s, and never in all my years in showbusiness did I find a more charming, affable man. He made such a profound impact on me that when we were casting for Newhart, I only had one actor in mind for the George Utley role. It was self-indulgent, but it did grant me the chance to work with his unrivaled comedic talent for seven years. I only wish I could have that chance again. Tom, you will be missed.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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