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Bitching About Brawl
June 2, 2007
What's up, white bread? If you thought last week was an exciting one for Brawl news, then you're sorely in need of a good smack upside the head! If you think this week will be any better, than I'll have to warn you stop reading right now. The good folks over at Smash Bros. DOJO 111!111 (!!??1!?!) put in as minimal effort as possible. I'm starting to believe they haven't done any work on this game since it was first shown off more than a year ago and are now desperately trying to build up their lack of accomplishments through pitiful, meaningless updates. Hey, kind of like this site! We're kindred spirits after all! Haaaaands across the water, heads above the sky!
This Week In Characters
NO NEW CHARACTERS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Yes, apparently Sakurai thought that our hunger was sated with the meager helping of Mario-Link-Pit stew last week. Never mind the fact that we already know Kirby, Samus, Yoshi, Fox, Pikachu, Wario, Snake, and Meta-Knight are also on the menu. Maybe I'll just go to the Jet Diner across the street, where I know they're serving beefy helpings of Donkey Kong sausage around the clock.
On the other hand, he did update the character page to let us know that we could move Pit's (goddamn homophobic Jesus freak that he is) arrows after we fire them. Ooooooh! You can have my fifty dollars right now, Nintendo!
This Week In Items
1. Final Smash
Another totally new weapon, the Final Smash provides a sort of drug-induced mini-Fatality. Think of it as a steroid package that has a different effect on each individual user. Mario, for example, will ejaculate flames from his pores that will fuck up any and all on the screen with him.
2. Super Scope
The Super Scope returns from Melee, with the new function of allowing you to shoot it while you move. That's all well and good, but when will other classic Nintendo peripherals make it into game canon? We've seen the Super Scope in Melee and R.O.B. in Mario Kart DS (who needed Diddy?), so when will the Power Pad finally get reintroduced? Man, that's one thing Nintendo should have kept milking. The NES generation was fit and thin, in part because of the NES World Class Track Meet, but now look at the tubbos that make up the GameCube kids. Even pigs have more dignity than those Pokemon-trading, Mario Partying lard-asses.
3. Cracker Launcher
A brand new projectile shooter, this unique weapon apparently fires racist white trash at your opponent. Finally, something about this game that I can get behind! I've always wanted to throw the audience of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour right through a Master Sword, if for no other reason than to end the barrage of "Git-R-Dun" bumper stickers. They're everywhere, and I live in Tahiti, for Christ's sake!
This Week In Stages
1. Delfino Plaza
As weak as the GameCube generation was, you know Nintendo and HAL will go out of their way to misrepresent it in this game over the more iconic elements of Nintendo's past. So yes, one of Mario's stages will of course be Delfino Plaza. While I'm sure it will be a welcome reprieve for many from the boredom that is Peach's ever-changing Castle (it's in a valley... no, wait, it's in a golf course... NO, A TENNIS COURT!), this undoubtedly means that if Donkey Kong does make it in the game, he'll be bogged down by bongos and Jungle Beatings. Yeah, I may have been in a coma during the bongo years, but I could sense their suckitude even in a near-vegetative state.
Let me out!
In other news, this highly-credible poster from the highly-credible Nintendo forums hypothesizes that, based on file names at Smash Bros. DOJO !!??1!?! (@#$%&!!!), there may be at least 18 starter characters/franchises in Brawl. Hey, if Fox News is treated as a legitimate journalistic source, surely we can trust DSGAMER3002!
See you next week. Unfortunately. I'm already tired of this.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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