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Bitching About Brawl
June 9, 2007
Welcome to Bitching About Brawl. I felt the desire to do something a bit different this week, so let's get the tedious part out of the way early. This week on Smash Bros. DOJO @#$%&!!! (@#$%^&*@#$%^&*), we found out the following: For those who doubted, Yoshi will be in the game (we've now seen a stage, heard his ending music, and even saw an egg icon) leaving Donkey Kong as the only original eighter MIA (more on that below). Pokeballs return, with some of the new generation Pokemon that I despise even more than the originals (Groudon? Shouldn't Jason the Red Ranger be riding in his skull?). Pikachu and Kirby both had profiles put on the site. We learned that you can recover while falling (tell me more, Mr. Smash Man! Can we punch in this game too?). Finally, in perhaps the best update of the last two weeks (sadly), we found out that there are four methods of control for this game with the Wii remote, Wii remote and nunchuk, the classic controller, and the admittingly exciting ability to play with the GameCube controller. Now then. We've gotten the Brawl news covered. Let's get to the "bitching."
In the year plus since Brawl was announced, Donkey Kong has yet to be confirmed. What's the big deal, right? After all, he's Donkey Kong. He's bound to be in it. Anyone who says otherwise, or bothers to complain about it, is being a drama queen. I can tell you that I'm certainly not a drama queen (well, I may have starred in four television series, but my roots are in stand-up comedy, you see...). No, I'm just a guy who's sick and tired of the lack of respect Donkey Kong and his games franchise get.
Why haven't we obtained any confirmation that DK is in the game? Well, some have suggested that it's because HAL has yet to finish his model. Remember that Rare designed the Melee DK model for them, meaning that this time around it'll be up to them to do it in-house. It may very well be a possibility, but it's one that hasn't stopped them from letting us know Yoshi is in. Unlike the star of Yoshi's Cookie and Story, there is absolutely no trace of DK or his franchise, be it a stage, music, or related items. What's stopping them, especially when there's no hype to be had among their targeted consumer base on the status of the original eight? The answer is simple, and it's quite discouraging. They don't care about Donkey Kong. He's an afterthought, despite being one of the top-selling Nintendo franchises, not only of all time, but in the here and now. Rare's GBA ports (and the recent DKR DS) sold like shaved female genitalia on the Sunset Strip. Donkey Kong Country is the forth top seller on the Wii Virtual Console. The general public loves the gorilla in the tie, so why doesn't HAL and Nintendo?
It may be that they're too busy listening to the Internet fans, among whom anti-DKC bias is still prevalent almost five years after Rare's departure. Tearing down the mega-successful Nintendo franchise (developed by a company that's now owned by Microsoft) of the mid-'90s is ultra fashionable, even if the criticisms are mostly baseless. The problem is that this Internet groupthink, which isn't reflective of the actual sales figures or reality in general, isn't just confined to the Internet. So-called gaming journalists and their half-baked publications also hold these ridiculous notions to be true, either persuaded by the Internet community that they're a part of (face it, anyone who writes about video games for a living is a web-surfing turd) or as the ones persuading the Internet itself. On a website like Smash Bros. DOJO @#$%^&*@#$%^&* (fuckity titty fuckers), the Internet is their only source of feedback. Guess what? Fuckity Titty Fuckers is the direct line to the Brawl team.
So in the end, why does it matter? Even if they despise Donkey Kong, or are convinced everyone else does, they'll get around to including him before the game ships. Maybe. But what about Diddy Kong? If Donkey Kong, the star of the DONKEY KONG franchise, is merely an afterthought to them, what will the second top character be? Not a thought at all, that's what. And that, my friends? That is utter bullshit. The DK franchise certainly deserves to be recognized in a Smash Bros. game more than Solid Snake, Sonic, or whatever third party series that's unrelated to Nintendo ends up making the cut.
Smash Bros. is supposed to be a coming together of franchises, a crossover not only in the game but a crossover of fanbases as well. If you're a Zelda fan you'll buy Brawl. If you're a Pokemon fan you'll buy Brawl. If you're a Metal Gear Solid fan you'll buy Brawl. Each fanbase is going to go into the game hoping to see their personal favorite being represented in a manner that's true to their series and fairly proportional to the other franchises. We DK fans want to buy Brawl too, and we've waited two games for the series to be expanded with Diddy or another character. Yet again, it looks like we're going to be overlooked for one-offs and flavor of the months. Pathetic.
I've Got A Facsimilie Of A Letter!
Dear Awesome Lord of Awesome,
Umm... the guy from the Nintendo forums simply took public information and formed a theory based on it. It has nothing to do with credibility, since he wasn't actually giving any new information.
I thought people should be able to know this, since DKU is supposed to be a, you know, news site, and that was a good theory and had NOTHING to do with credibility. Seriously, if you guys are going to add to the never-ending shitheap of Republican jokes (Because somebody has to make fun of those Republicans, since NOBODY else on the internet seems to be), at least try not to fuck up the still-relevant parts of the site.
-Saf
If Jay Leno can still make Clinton blowjob jabs in 2007, I feel like I'm entitled to make a reference to Fox News being a steaming dung pile every now and again. Besides, I went into a coma in the year 2001 and had just recently come out of it, so excuse me if I'm not entirely cutting edge in my references.
See you next week.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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