|
|
 |
 |
   |
 |
| |
 |
|
Bitching About Brawl
June 16, 2007
Let's get our bitch on!
This Week In Characters
1. Fox
Ladies, you can start creaming your jeans now. Fox, the dashing star of Ocean's 13 and Star Fox Adventures, was profiled this week. Overcoming some questionable early career choices (remember Batman and Robin and that mini-handheld game found in Kellogs cereal boxes?), Fox McCloud has become one of Nintendo's biggest stars. One of the original Smash Bros. characters, he's now sporting a new look (is that Just For Men in his hair?). Sakurai promises that Fox will be a "speed character," but I can't imagine him rushing through anything. No, Fox seems to be the type who would slowly seduce you with an aged bottle of wine and a mixed CD of smooth jazz.
Yeah, I'd go gay for him.
2. Samus
Not being a fan of the Metroid series, I knew next to nothing about Samus. Luckily, Google is my friend and I stumbled upon this helpful page. A native of Kiev, Dr. Samus was born on December 8, 1949. He holds a degree in physics, and, perhaps best of all, enjoys mushroom picking. Far out, man. May I personally recommend Liberty Caps?
If Donkey Kong is indeed neglected and axed from this game, I can already tell you that Dr. Samus will be my go-to character to beat the hell out Fox for putting the dance in my underpants.
This Week In Items
1. Crates and Barrels
The standard containers of the Smash Bros. series return, but this time around they'll actually change design based on the theme of the stage. For example, if it's a sci-fi stage they'll look metallic and futuristic. If it's a crap level, they'll look like presents, bubble gum, and chocolate cake.
"Hopefully there'll be a stage where the barrel looks like a trash can, so I have something to haul this poor excuse of a game away in!"
Does DKC manual humor ever get old? Wait, I think it just did. Anyway, other new attributes include the ability to stand on crates and the random possibility that they'll have wheels on them, meaning they'll roll away in certain scenarios.
This Week In Stages
1. Yoshi's Island
The sugary, sachriney, Nutri-Sweety world of Yoshi's Island was shown off this week on Chill Dog Lovers, quite some time after it had already been seen in an earlier movie. Detractors of me bitching about lack of Donkey Kong, can you finally PLEASE stop the "they haven't shown off Yoshi either" defense? That wouldn't even fly in Judge Ito's court, man. Anyway, the big "iNnovation" here is that the seasons will change. Great, just great. Now when Rare makes their inevitable "Superb Cor Pluckers" crossover fighting series, we'll hear nothing but cries of ripoff when they trot out the Click Clock Wood stage.
This Week In Music
1. Metroid: Boss Battle Music (Ridley Fight)
"Bah bah bah bah bah bah bum doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, tek a tek da da, tek a tek da da, whiirrl."
Meh. Let's just say it's Flock of Seagull's "I Ran."
Correction Corner!
Last week, in defense of my using an apparently tired Fox News joke, I said the following:
"Besides, I went into a coma in the year 2001 and had just recently come out of it, so excuse me if I'm not entirely cutting edge in my references. "
Well, I was wrong. I went into a coma in the year 2002. My apologies to Saf, the victims of 9/11, Sean Hannity, and Johnny Depp (the latter merely for the fact that I irrationally pray for his death night after night).
See you next in 604,800 seconds. Start your counting now!
Write to Bob O. Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
|
 |
  |
 |
|
|
  |
|
| |
Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
