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Bitching About Brawl
June 23, 2007
An even less substantial week than last, courtesy of that info miser at Defecates On Women's Chests For Sexual Kicks. We had one major character reveal (which, like any character reveal, is one that we've basically known about for a year and has already been shown in numerous screenshots on that very site), one stage reveal, and three updates wasted on character moves, one of which was to let us know the character has the same moves from Melee. Oh dear.
How do you say... let's get our bitch on?
This Week In Characters
1. Wario
No, not Dick Cheney's favorite breakfast cereal (ooh, that's right Saf, I went there), but the Mirror Universe version of Mario. I only wish they would go full tilt with this guy and have him say lines like "LETS'A STOP" and "Papa mia!" I just expect more from my Bizarros, you know? Well, so long as the Bizarro is a failed clone created by Lex Luthor, ala Man of Steel, and not one from an entire planet of Bizarros (because that's always been a painfully lame idea, and I'm sure that half of the two or three of you out there who know what I'm talking about will certainly agree).
Wario has been one of the most requested characters for the series (along with Diddy, but of course they think giving the fans a bone in that department is the same as boning us, which they seem quite intent on doing) and now he's donning an ensemble from the Village People's closet. Now, I'm not saying anything about Wario's sexuality, but if he's supposed to be the antithesis of heterosexual Mario...
Yeah, I'd go gay for him too.
This Week In Items
NO NEW ITEMS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Well, technically, this is only partly true. There was a "fascinating" expose written on Fox's blaster and reflector, the latter of which was preceded with the following question: "Did you notice that thing dangling from Fox’s waist?
I was trying NOT to look... but I just can't... turn my head...
For the love of God, let me out of this guy's head!
This Week In Stages
1. Lylat Cruise
I'm actually going to have trouble bitching about this stage, because the concept is solid enough. The action takes place on a tour vessel called the Pleiades, which may roughly translate to "sailing queen" (Wario must love this stage, honey!). It flies through various locations in the Lylat System, including asteroid fields, Star Fox dogfights, and even through the upper atmosphere of Corneia. Stay away from my fucking eye, Nintendo mascots!
It's possible this may make the other Star Fox stage Dinosaur Planet-themed, but more than likely they'll ape the "fighting on a spaceship" gimmick again. And that, my friends, may be the only ape in this entire game.
This Week In Moves
Here's the Cliff Notes version: Both Link and Pikachu's Final Smash moves involve them ejaculating light.
I've Got A Facsimilie Of A Letter!
Dear Personal Savior,
I just want to say that this week's BAB is a great improvement over last week's. I for one will never tire of the Statler & Waldorf-esque 'hilarity' that is Cranky Kong.
-_L_
So I take it you weren't a fan of my third week editorial? Then I'm sure you'll be thrilled to hear that next week, right here, I'll be doing another. This time, I'll be delving into just why Solid Snake is poisonous for the franchise.
But don't worry. I'll make it FUNNY this time. Because apparently, I'm only here for your shits and giggles. Come on, man! This is SERIOUS SHIT. I expect you to read it with stone faces. There's no room for comedy when you bitch about Brawl.
Catch you later, alligator (Kremling Krew Classification - Crocodile).
Write to Bob O. Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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