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Bitching About Brawl
June 30, 2007
This week stunk!
This Week In Characters
1. Zelda
The first character confirmed by the site that we didn't already know about in some form before hand, this Zelda design seems to be blend between ideas from Twilight Princess and their own. Most notably, she now has dirty blonde hair instead of golden blonde, which is the most earth-shattering change in character since Chris Benoit turned heel last weekend. Connecting the dots, does this mean Zelda is on HGH and 'roids? Yes, yes it does. SILENT BUT VIOLENT!
This Week In Items
1. Banana Peel
The freshest Donkey Kong character since Cranky Kong (per Nintendo Tokyo) has his suavest leisure suit avaliable as an item in Brawl. Yes, I suppose this is evidence that we were being unfair about their treatment of Donkey Kong in this game. This is an obvious reference if there ever was one, much like a mushroom would be for Mario or a Maxum Tomato would be for Kirby. Except, you know, for the fact that they don't brand this with the DK logo on the Brawl site. And no references to Donkey Kong or his unshakable hard-on for banana fruit are made in the accompanying text. Still, at least when I'm playing as that no-good homophobe Pit, I'll be able to squint and pretend he's a gorilla so long as he has one of these bad bads in his hands. I declare this game DKU by imagination! Hurrah! The champagne is on me!
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Yes, apparently Anal Leakage Lovers thought that showcasing the ability to insert your name in the game (okay, so carrying your personal stats in your WiiMote is fairly nifty, but that's not what the update was showcasing) was more vital to your well-being than giving us another stage this week. That's okay! Knowing that a pattern of letters that arranges to BOBOFRIE is being held in my memory card is much more personally gratifying than fighting on the Gangplank Galleon ever would be. Look ma! My name is on 'dat 'dere TV screen! I be famous, 'cause Nintendo said so!
*Proceeds to strum a banjo and fuck a pig, just like Nintendo and HAL expect of me.*
This Week In Moves
Here's the Spark Notes version: Wario will shart you to death and then pollute scenic Nintendo locales with his motorized bicycle. Luckily Donkey Kong Island won't be seen in this game! I'd hate to see DK's Jungle Parkway begin to resemble the Los Angeles freeway.
This Week In Music
An admittingly beautiful Ocarina of Time medley was showcased. Hell, at least they didn't drop all references to that gem for Twilight Princess. Best of all, it looks like, so far, they're completely ignoring the fishhead-eating cousin of the series that was Wind Waker! My wish for it be erased from the fabric of reality has apparently come true. Watch your back Johnny Depp, my ill-hygiened friend...
Now, as promised, here's a small editorial.
Ever since Brawl was first shown off last year, gamers have had their man-panties in a bunch over the inclusion of Solid Snake from the Metal Gear series. What obviously sets him apart from the likes of Pit (Moral Majority member that he is), Pikachu, and the rest (the Professor and Mary Ann!) is that he's the first non-Nintendo character to appear in a Smash Bros. game. This blows the lid off of limited character possibilities and makes anyone who has ever appeared in an electronic game a possible character. Sonic? Come on in, and bring some of your bland slush beverages! Pac-Man? You're invited too, but please take care of that obvious Jaundice first! John Madden? They'll have to invent a nacho-eating mini-game just to give you something to do, but SURE!
If you can't see the problem with this then you're obviously not the hardcore Nintendo fan that you fashion yourself to be. The appeal of Smash Bros., the factor that set it above the likes of the ailing Mario Kart franchise and it's kabillion spin-offs, is that it's a mascot crossover for all Nintendo franchises. The fighting game it proclaims to be is only a means to an end, the milk chocolate and candy shell around the peanut that makes it special: It's a love letter to Nintendo fans. Where else would you be able to see Bowser and Ganondorf fight it out like Paris and Nicole Post-Simple Life 4? The various "trophies" that you could collect from Nintendo's glorious past to their shaky as hell GameCube era told the story far better than I'm trying to by using E! Network-style similes. There was something for nearly every Nintendo fan in Melee, and the best part about its inevitable sequel was that the surface had barely been scratched.
Brawl arguably could have been, and without a doubt should have been, the ultimate realization of what Melee sought to do with the love letter concept. How many important Nintendo characters, not to mention Nintendo franchises, were left out of Melee? Besides those that this site obviously champions (Diddy, naturally), there was a wealth of F-Zero and Earthbound characters yet to be seen. Then there are franchises like Punch Out! and Pikmin that haven't even had their due yet. This may seem like a moot and premature argument, especially considering that we're far from knowing Brawl's full roster. I understand that. That's not the point. You see, there can only be so many characters in this game. That's not merely a issue of memory, but one of time. They have a deadline for this year. It's a mad rush to get it done, mirroring the situation that plagued Melee's character selection (giving rise to such curious choices as Dr. Mario, the costume swap in a full-fledged character slot). Simply put, the time wasted on Solid Snake and whatever third party characters are also going to sneak in (obviously Sonic) is time that could have been spent on that last Nintendo character.
That's not even getting into the fact that Snake and Sonic completely invalidate the point of Smash Bros. to begin with. Why should non-Nintendo characters who appear on non-Nintendo systems make the cut in a celebration of Nintendo? Perhaps it's a hypocritical stance for this site to take, since we above all others should know how little trademarks and ownership mean in a shared universe (remember that Banjo and Kazooie were once owned by Nintendo and considered full-fledged Nintendo characters... had their been no Microsoft buyout of Rare, it would have been quite likely that they could have made it in Brawl), but when I think of great moments in Nintendo history, Sonic the Hedgehog rightfully does not come to mind. This is not the time, nor the game, for these characters to meet. As I said before, Brawl could have been the ultimate Nintendo crossover, getting the most out of the concept before they moved on to the fourth game in the series. And what should have the fourth game in the series been, when the concept of a Nintendo crossover had finally been realized and exhausted? Why, Nintendo vs. The Rest Of The Video Game World, of course.
Sadly, we won't be getting that game. What's the point, now that Snake and Sonic will be treated the same as Donkey Kong and Yoshi? It squanders the historic oppurtunity, one that could have only been achieved once. However, what saddens me more, as a Nintendo fan, is that it also squanders that ultimate Nintendo crossover that Melee had given me a taste of. I'm simply not hungry for Snake.
Until next time... you won't be reading anything new by me.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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