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Bitching About Brawl
July 7, 2007
There was nothing lucky about this week! As shitheads across the world get married because they think that triple 7s will bless them with domestic bliss, I, your fearless god Bob O. Friend, am here to set the record straight on a number of matters. First of all, anyone being married today will either wind up in a nasty divorce or an unfortunate murder-suicide (which I like to refer to as being Benoited). Second of all, we were all Benoited this week by Fecal Matter = Instant Erection. Please keep your arms and legs inside the bitchfest at all times, because this thrill ride is now beginning!
This Week In Characters
1. Bowser
So not to be crass, but I really don't understand this Bowser guy. He's a huge, hulking turtle demon. Over the last ten years he's been portrayed as having bigger legs than Mario has a body. Yet he's always trying to kidnap Princess Peach Toadstool, presumably for the sexual intercourse (come to Nintendo for the innovation, stay for the implied rape). Hasn't anyone told the guy, be it Baby Bowser or Bowser Jr. (why does this studly king only hang out with children?), that his schlong is probably bigger than Toadstool's head? Wouldn't there be serious tearing as a result? We know Peach doesn't practice stretching routines, because to this date we haven't seen Mario Yoga (that plumbing fatass isn't exactly Rodney Yee), so he'd go through her like tissue paper.
Bowser is playable in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Why isn't anyone getting me out of his head?
This Week In Items
1. Assist Trophies
Without a doubt, the worst thing to happen to Smash Bros. since they made me buy Pikmin just to get an extra trophy in Melee. What if you threw a Pokeball and, instead of the usual attacking Pokemon, out came a Nintendo character worthy of being playable themself? What if their inclusion as an "Assist Trophy" meant that there was no chance of them being playable in the game, and likely little chance of them being playable in a future installment? What if they were pigeon-holing important characters in meaningless cameos instead of giving certain franchises the respect they deserve? Well guess what! That's exactly what's happening!
The idea isn't bad in and of itself. After all, one of the Assist Trophies is a Hammer Bros. A measily drone. That's an excting prospect, in all honesty, because it means other famous drones can be integrated into gameplay (and yes, that means DKC/DKL/DK64 baddies). Unfortantely, they're taking it a step further. The second-most important character in the F-Zero series is confirmed to be an Assistant Trophy. This is heinous for two reasons. One, it likely means that F-Zero will not be getting a second character for the third game in a row. Two, that means that even if the series does, it will be a character far less deserving than the iconic (iconic for F-Zero) Goroh. This isn't bad news for just F-Zero fanatics. It's plain awful if you're a follower of Donkey Kong or Earthbound, the only two neglected franchises of Smash. The Assistant Trophy program isn't an exciting way to get more character exposure. No, no. It's a way to write off the franchises not favored by the developers of the game while at the same time offering their outspoken fans a few measily bread crumbs. Do you think having Diddy as an AT would placate DKUers? What about the even more shat-upon Earthbound fanbase? Can they take one more dissapointment before climbing to the top of a belltower with a rifle?
The Assist Trophies are the slaves of the Smash franchise, stuck picking the wealthy white Mario characters' cotton. Now how do we go about freeing them? I hereby declare myself the Lincoln of this cause (only hetero and handsome). LET MY PEOPLE GO!
Wait, that was Moses. Or Noah.
Does that make me his Harriet Tubman? Yeugh. I scream and I scream and no one ever hears me!
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Goro
According to butt secks, lol, the fearsome samurai Goro will be a lowly Assist Trophy. Goro, whom I think most of you recognize from the Mortal Kombat series, was killed off in the first game of the series but brought back in contemporary sequels. He marks the second third-party intrusion on this series, the first being Solid Snake (and for my feelings on that matter, see last week's awesome column.
He thinks of himself when he masturbates! Oh God!
This Week In Stages
1. Bridge of Eldin
It's a bridge! It's flat! It's from Twilight Princess! It's flat! It has a scenic background! It's flatter than a pre-op tranny! Nevertheless, we have official confirmation of the first Zelda stage in this game. This is perhaps akin to the Majora's Mask stage from Melee, while a Hyrule Castle or Temple analogue has yet to be unveiled. Or has it? I don't know, we've seen screenshots of a giant medieval castle, but I'm deaf, dumb, and blind without having a whole update on the Brawl site dedicated to something.
He's a goddamn digital camera!
This Week In Moves
Here's the Sparkling Cliff Notes version: Bowser's Final Smash is him taking a disgusting amount of steroids, transforming into Giga Bowser, going into a roid rage, and killing Chris Benoit's wife and son.
I don't even care about video games!
That about does it for this week. Next week is the big, whiz-bang E3 edition of Bitching About Brawl. Hopefully we'll get something worthy of talking about, even if Brawl isn't playable at the show. While there's an impressive gang of apathetic goons gathering on the forum, I'm sure some of you still give a damn about the DK representation in this game. And how should we respond to bad news next week?
Did I mention that Chris Benoit killed his family?
Write to Bob O. Friend.
Return to the Bitching About Brawl hub
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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