Bitching About Brawl
July 14, 2007 (Eł 2007 Edition)
I apparently had too much to drink last Sunday and blacked out for six days. Did I miss anything important?
This Week In Characters
1. Donkey Kong
Our Father, which art in Kongo,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy Kingdom come.
Thy will be done,
in Japan as it is in Twycross.
Give us this day our daily banana.
And forgive us for the bongos,
As we forgive them that bongoed against us.
And lead us not into temptation;
But deliver us from Kremlings.
If you shoot us,
it's gonna' hurt.
Amen.
This Week In Items
1. Bumper
You know, this came right before the mind-blowing revelation of Donkey Kong as teh homogay's big Eł update. Never thinking that they would actually show Donkey Kong at this point and time (after all, my flawless deductive reasoning concluded that he wasn't going to be in the game in the first place, and I'm never wrong... somehow not even in this case), I didn't bother reading the update right after this one before I wrote a scathing item description. Since I believe in recycling (and I'm as lethargic as a sloth on cough medicine), I'm just going to present the original bitching in all of its unedited glory.
Sakurai, you're nothing more than bloody cunt. Do you think anybody gives a golly goddamn about the fucking bumper from the original Smash Bros.? There was a reason you never placed it in Melee, and that's because it's an absolute shit-stained item that wasn't worthy to share the same stage as those potato monsters from Earthbound and the plate of fried rice that you could eat to get 1% of your health back up. Of course you're in love with the bumper. You dry hump printouts of it and pretend that you're married into the wealthy Bumpafella family. You're a shameless money-grubbing slut. The bumper is not more important than Donkey Kong, yet you think players are chomping at your bit to learn of its existence over the fucking star of one of the best-selling franchises of all time? Newsflash! There is no "Bumper From Smash Bros. Universe" fansite and there never will be. Get your head out of your ass and show me Donkey Kong. Oh, what's that? That's right. You won't show me Donkey Kong, because you have no intention of putting him in the game. You hate him, and you probably take frequent hunting trips to the jungle to poach gorillas just for the sheer thrill of pretending to murder Donkey Kong. Hell, that's not all you murder. You've been trying to kill off my childhood ever since this travesty of a game has been announced, just for the mere fact that you hate children. And gorillas. Well guess what, little Adolf? I hate you, and I anxiously await the day you go to Hell just for the opportunity to dance on your grave.
Whoops.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Dr. Wright
The assistant to the mayor in the Super Nintendo version of Sim City, Dr. Wright will pop out of Pokeballs Assist Trophy containers and impale characters on instantly-grown skyscrapers. Instant skyscrapers? So why don't they just put this guy in charge of rebuilding at Ground Zero? He would actually get shit done.
Oh, right. Because then the new World Trade tower would have to fear random Sim City monster attacks as opposed to airline terrorism. Cool.
This Week In Stages
1. Smashville
This stage will allow you to fight in front of all of your favorite weird transexual animal pals from that annoying Animal Crossing game. Marvel as they sing and dance at 8 PM every Saturday night! Sorry, on Saturday night I'm always out getting LSD injected into my eyeballs. Ironically, that causes me to see singing animals anywhere I go!
And yes, I'm aware that it's currently Saturday night. I'm aware that every one of my brilliant, awe-inspiring columns is written and put up on Saturday night. I'm not lying: I'M HIGH AS THE MOTHERFUCKING MIR RIGHT NOW.
This Week In Moves
Here's the Eł 2007 version (i.e. abbreviated, unsatisfying, and focused largely on me balancing on a small exercise pad): You can punch in this game. Sometimes, you can punch more than once.
I've Got A Facsimile Of A Letter!
Dear Suave Factory B,
What does B.O.B. Friend (and the Negative Nancy's Club Band) have to bitch about anymore anyways? (Other than Diddy possibly not making it?)
-FalcovsLeon20
Granted, Donkey Kong being announced at this point and time puts a huge crimp in the industry of Bitching About Brawl (as BAB is actually a publicly-traded company, our stock plummeted this week). As I said, I wasn't expecting this. I thought I could milk the Donkey Kong udder into October at the latest. True, there's still plenty of Diddy Kong bitching ahead (and what fabulous bitching it shall be!), but I can't really start that up until we've gotten enough distance from the DK announcement.
The big man is in Brawl. Not that there was ever really a question, but we have screenshots now. We've had a website update featuring him. Not a hoax! Not an imaginary story! It's a hurdle that we've finally crossed, and now the world of Bitching About Brawl is wide open with possibilities. Hell, my vision seems improved. My head is cleared. I can see things I couldn't see before, all thanks to Donkey Kong being announced. It's like a giant weight has been lifted from my brain, and...
Oh my God. I SEE THE TRUTH NOW.
To Be Continued?
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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