| Bitching About BrawlJuly 21, 2007Editor's Note: Bob O. Friend has not submitted his Bitching About Brawl for this week. In fact, all attempts to contact him have failed. While we'll try to find Mr. Friend as quickly as possible, the show must go on. So, for this week only, Bitching About Bob will have a guest writer: Former Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine Chat Room moderator, and evil ruler of the swampy Everglades, Mucousy Vulture. The old DKVine really had some horrid taste in support staff. Greetings puny mortals! It is I, Mucousy Vulture, master of the swamplands! Cower before my opinions on trivial matters such as video games! Kneel before me lest you want to feel the mighty pecks of my mucousy beak! Editor's Note: The hell with that. Five minutes ago, Bob O. Friend's column showed up. Probably for the best. Greetings puny mortals! Bob O. Friend here. Sorry about the lateness. I blacked out again, this time immediately after finishing last week's column. I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I assume I'm just so awesome that my body needs to periodically shut down for a week at a time or else it would destroy itself. I'm no doctor (I'm better!), but that makes sense to me. I only wish I could remember what happened at the end of last week's column as I blacked out for the third time in a month. I seem to recall it was important...  This Week In Characters And Moves
1. Zero Suit Samus
 So what happens with Samus gets to use her Electric Light Orchestra of a Final Smash? Her clothes come off faster than they would if Johnny Depp was in front of her with a bottle of Bartles & Jaymes (I hate you, Johnny Depp). She's then trapped as Zero Suit Samus, the armorless, catsuit-wearing weaker version of herself. What old Masahiro isn't telling us is that this is only the first step. Zero Suit Samus can progress to the no-clothes "Birthday Suit Samus" (where we find out that she has a tramp stamp of Captain Falcon's face), before shedding her skin and muscle down to "Skeletal Suit Samus," finally arriving at the ultimate stripped-down visage of the character: Soul Suit Samus, an angelic version that's actually identical to Pit, rendering this entire character a waste of time and space that could have used in putting in Diddy Kong or Goroh.
This Week In Items
NO NEW ITEMS REVEALED THIS WEEK!How? How can I survive not knowing if the paper fan will be making a grand reappearance? Oh, the pain! The unrelenting, eye-watering emptiness I feel!
This Week In Pokémon
1. Deoxys
What the hell is a "DNA Pokémon?" Wouldn't all Pokémon have DNA, let alone need DNA, to function? What a stupid character. What other redudancies have crept into the Pokémon world? Where's the amazing Pokémon that's made up of 70 percent water? What about Digesto, the little critter that actually needs to eat to survive?I wanted Ribons instead.
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVEALED THIS WEEK!So much time was spent on Zero Suit Samus doing upside-down leg splits that we didn't get a new item or stage this week. I guess that means the only stage we were privy to was Sakurai's midlife crisis. Next week he'll treat us to more female crotch shots as well as him tooling about in his newest sports car.
This Week In Music
A Star Fox tune was showcased that sounds almost like any other Star Fox song in a prior Smash Bros. game. Play it backwards, though, and it sounds like emag .sroB hsamS roirp a ni gnos xoF ratS rehto yna.
I'm cutting it short this week because I'm still feeling rather weak. There was one more update on Friday that I need to discuss, but it will be the subject of a huge column next week. Hopefully my bitching will be up to full strength then. Hopefully I'm not dying.Comedy! Drama! High-stakes tension! This is the only perpetually negative Smash Bros. Brawl column that has them all! *Coughs up blood*
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