Bitching About Brawl
August 4, 2007
Smack your ugly face hard, because it's time for Bitching About Brawl! I'm feeling much better this week (my black out this week was only for twenty four hours), so I'm hoping whatever was apparently wrong with me has passed. Your countless cards, flowers, cheap Canadian pills, and tequila were much appreciated. So, are you ready for some freaky-ass bitching?
This Week In Characters
1. Ike
David Dwight Eisenhower (October 14, 1890 - March 28, 1969) was an American General and politician, who served as the thirty-fourth President of the United States (1953 - 1961). During the Second World War, he served as Supreme Commander of the Allied forces in Europe, with responsibility for planning and supervising the successful invasion of France and Germany in 1944-45. In 1951, he became the first supreme commander of NATO. As a Republican, he was elected the 34th U.S. President, serving for two terms. As President, he ended the Korean War, kept up the pressure on the Soviet Union during the Cold War, made nuclear weapons a higher defense priority, launched the Space Race, enlarged the Social Security program, and began the Interstate Highway System. he was an ass man and liked to fuck teh breastseses.
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
This Week In Items
1. Pitfall
Inspired by that Judeo-Christian hypocrite Pit, this item will cause your opponent to fall straight to Hell when thrown at them. Not only will it teach the younger combatants like Ness the evils of Black Magic, but their eyes will roll at the cliched, trite epilogue!
Spoilers (highlight to read):
19 years after using Pitfall, Diddy and Dixie have three children: Wrinkly Kong, Nintendo-Rare Partnership Kong, and Smash Bros. Being A Credible Series Kong
This Week In Stages
1. Castle Siege
Based on a mish-mash of Fire Emblem concepts, this stage takes place in the middle of a siege on a... castle. Unlike the real Fire Emblem series, however, you probably won't end up swearing at the game out of frustration, throwing your Game Boy across the room, unzipping your pants and "skull fucking" the cartridge slot, taking the brittle remains of the cartridge itself and shoving it in the microwave to melt it down, and taking the entire microwave oven and backing your car over it again and again until all that's left is a tangled mess of metal.
I really dislike Hard mode.
This Week In Moves
This Week In Random
1. Adventure Mode: The Subspace Emissary
I really do hate it when there's an impressive bit of news, because it makes my job all the harder. Oh well.
Remember the cheap Adventure Mode in Melee? The one that started strong with a Mario platforming stage and then peetered out almost immediately after? Well, it looks to be corrected here. The Adventure Mode, curiously titled "The Subspace Emissary," promises that it will emphasize character development, as "you'll see many famous characters persevering under the weight of their personal histories, shouldering their unique burdens."
The cinema scene from two weeks ago looks to be part of this, so in reference to these being the actual characters dealing with the weight of their history, I'd like to give a massive FUCK YOU to the pro-trophy camp. As always, you fail!
So people, they always be asking me, "Bob, you obviously know what I want in this game more than I do. Whom do I feel really deserves to be included as a fighter in this game?" And I tells 'ya, I say, "Get away from me while I'm drinking. This is your last warning." The authorities usually come by that point, and the whole evening turns into a violent affair.
To prevent this from happening from here on out, I've decided to make a definite list on which Nintendo characters truly deserve to be in Brawl. This isn't a popularity contest, but is merely based on importance and franchise representation.
1. All 25 fighters from Super Smash Bros. Melee minus Young Link and Dr. Mario
Let's get this out of the way. If you've ever been in a Smash Bros. game, you should return for what needs to be the ultimate Smash Bros. game. The days of excluding fighters in fighting game sequels have come and gone, and it's rather unfair to those who have mastered the techniques of a certain moveset or just champion a particular individual. With all the talk of the Ice Climbers probably being removed, I shudder to think of the precedence this sets for future Smash Bros. games. Just think if, say, DK fans finally get Diddy in Brawl but lose him in Super Smash Bros. Bloodbath.
I did, however, vote for the removal of Dr. Mario and Young Link, but not completely. Dr. Mario would simply become an alternate costume for Mario, while Young Link would become...
2. Wind Waker Link (Zelda)
A minor cosmetic change, but an important one. While one can argue for and point towards the reasons for multiple Links across the Zelda timeline, there has never been a more explicit Link separate from the "Hero of Time" or any other incarnation than Wind Waker Link. In fact, it seems that now whenever a game calls for a younger Link, they go for the Wind Waker art-style. This inclusion would also allow for both Wind Waker and Twilight Princess to be represented, seeing as how Wind Waker followed Melee and never had any of its attributes included in this series. Give him Young Link's moveset with a few new Wind Wakerery additions and it would make the character slot a whole hell of a lot less arbituary.
3. Wario (Wario)
I agree with this character slot, and seeing as how he's already in Brawl, I don't feel the need to elaborate.
4. Pit (Kid Icarus)
Ditto.
5. Meta-Knight (Kirby)
Right on.
6. Ike (Fire Emblem)
Sure. Why not?
7. Diddy Kong (Donkey Kong)
Oh yeah. Now this one should have been painfully obvious to anyone who is aware that there's a weekly Brawl column on a website that's fanatical about Rare's Donkey Kong. The facts are, Diddy is the second most important Donkey Kong character in history (don't bring Mario into this... he ceased being a Donkey Kong character the moment he got his own franchise). There's no reason Diddy shouldn't be in this game. He already has a moveset for whining out loud (just transplant what he does in DK64 into this game). Since I'll surely be bitching about this particular character up until the release of the damn game, I'm going to leave this point alone for now.
8. K. Rool (Donkey Kong)
This game needs more bad guys. This game needs more Donkey Kong characters. Ergo, this game needs K. Rool. What would make K. Rool so great? Well, for starters, his alternate costumes alone would give the character great versatility. Will you choose King K. Rool or Baron K. Roolenstein? Kaptain K. Rool or King Krusha K. Rool (the boxer iteration)? Furthermore, it would allow such villain fights as K. Rool vs. Bowser vs. Ganondorf, or give us the dream scenario of Mario and Donkey Kong vs. Bowser and K. Rool. While Diddy deserves it more, I'll say this: K. Rool provides far more enticing possibilities.
9. King Dedede (Kirby)
Yeah, another Kirby character. Hey, Sakurai said this game needs more baddies. Fact is, he's probably the most recognizable Kirby character outside of the marshmallowy Peep himself (and that blowing tree).
10. Samurai Goroh (F-Zero)
Now this is where I really start to deviate from reality. Fact: He's the second most important F-Zero character. Fact: He was believed to have been a shoe-in for Brawl. Fact: He doesn't deserve to be shoehorned in with the likes of Hammer Bros.
There's still time to right this wrong and make him playable. Let's hope someone on the Brawl team wakes up. The day Solid Snake gets in over a deserving character is a very bleak day indeed.
11. Krystal (Star Fox)
I have a feeling there will be an Internet perv riot if she's not included. Hey, I'm a Donkey Kong Universe fan, so of course I want Krystal in, but that doesn't change the fact that she has a very skeevy fanbase. Nonetheless, she would provide a nice alternative to the similiar fighting styles of Fox and Falco. Her staff would be capable of both long-range and up-close combat, giving her a more diverse palette of moves to choose from. Plus, it's another female character, and one that's not wearing a long flowing dress.
12. Ridley (Metroid)
"But Ridley is too large! Wah wah wah, I'm an unimaginative fuckwad!" Scale him down! Jesus, I hate people.
13. Lucas (Earthbound)
The star of Mother 3 (Buster Bluth's favorite video game series, by the way), Lucas would be the ideal choice for an Earthbound charcter, despite the game never having been released outside of Japan. Hey, it worked for Fire Emblem (despite the fact that North America or Europe still hasn't gotten a game starring Marth or Roy). I should also clarify that Lucas certainly shouldn't be a replacement for Ness. That would be a shitty way of going about things and would further emphasis the sour "new over old" mentality I'm already tasting with Brawl.
14. Red/Blue/Ash (Pokémon)
Yeah, that's right. The human protaganist of the Pokémon games. Come on, we don't need another Pokémon character, but having an actual human instead of one of the thousands of critters would be quite the novel concept indeed. Give him increased odds of finding Pokéballs but make him rather pathetic with anything else. His final smash could be drowning his opponent in his patented ANIME CLOSEUP SWEAT.
15. Kamek (Yoshi)
I don't think the Mario franchise deserves any more characters in this game. They kind of used up everyone in Melee who would have naturally debuted in this game (and no, Toad should not be in Brawl). That being said, Yoshi is considered his own franchise and, while there is considerable crossover between the Mario and Yoshi games, I feel that means the Yoshi series deserves a little bit more of a nod. So which character would be most apt for this? Kamek. We certainly don't want any of the "baby" characters infesting the Smash series, and maybe including Kamek will finally shut up his fans who blame Donkey Kong for replacing him in Mario Kart 64 (although, in the long-run, that probably hurt us more).
16. Little Mac (Punch Out!!)
When you talk of classic franchises that deserve some representation, Punch Out!! seems like a goddamn no-brainer. The original Nintendo fighting game in the most popular Nintendo fighting game of all time. How does that not make sense? Certainly more sense that Ice Climbers, Metal Gear Solid, and two versions of Mario.
17. Mike Tyson (Punch Out!!)
That's right. Think of the publicity having Mike Tyson, convicted rapist, in the same game as Pikachu. I'm also sure that Tyson would sign away his likeness for a small price. He could use the cash.
18. Mr. Virtual Boy (Virtual Boy In General)
If Mr. Game & Watch can be created to serve as a template for all Game & Watch games, surely something similiar can be constructed for the Virtual Boy. Mix in elements from Galactic Pinball, Teleroboxer, Red Alarm, and other Virtual Boy-exclusive concepts for both his moveset and his stage. Instead of Flat Zone, give us Space World. This concept would give the Virtual Boy the nod it quite frankly deserves in a game based on Nintendo history.
19. Ken Griffey Jr. (Ken Griffey Jr. Baseball Titles)
Remember in the mid-'90s when Ken Griffey Jr., then of the Seattle Mariners, had a contract with Nintendo to produce his own line of baseball titles? Even UK-based Rare made one! As part of acknowledging Nintendo's history, Griffey should return in Brawl as a fighter with an aptitude for the Homerun Bat (whose series it comes from in the first place). His Final Smash would, naturally, be taking a fistful of steroids and turning into Barry Bonds, after which his armor can fall off and he'll be Chris Benoit, from then on only able to attack his own family.
20. Captain N: The Game Master
Just because I want to beat him up.
So that's my list. Realistically there should be about eight more characters in the game, but those are the ones I feel strongly about. Okay, so Tyson and Griffey are goofy picks that have no chance of happening, but better them than Sonic. Oh, that's right video game nerds. Mike Tyson is more deserving than Sonic. Chew on that.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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