Bitching About Brawl
August 11, 2007
Smack your ugly face hard, because it's time for Bitching About Brawl! I'm feeling much better this week (my black out this week was only for twenty four hours), so I'm hoping whatever was apparently wrong with me has passed. Your countless cards, flowers, cheap Canadian pills, and tequila were much appreciated. So, are you ready for some freaky-ass bitching?
This Week In Characters
NO NEW CHARACTERS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
An absolute miserable week, folks. The worst since Gay Carl Winslow Inc. launched. Nothing, and I mean nothing, of any interest was updated. Don't understand? Keep reading.
This Week In Items
1. Smokeball
So this is basically a Nintendog Assist Trophy, only in smoke form. Multi-colored gas pores out of a little golf ball and chokes your entire family in its sleep, much like Chris Benoit. Hoh, only kidding. It's non-lethal gas. The "fun" type of poisonous monoxide. Hopefully it will lead some really stupid people to their garage to huff what comes out of their exhaust pipe, if only to thin the herd a bit.
2. Franklin Badge
Despite being called the "Franklin" Badge and having the word MOTHER scrawled across it, I couldn't persuade any of the resident Arrested Development superfans to write this week's column for me. No, this isn't the "Saddest" award at Motherboy, but rather a protection from all projectiles. In other news, Sakurai exposed his hidden desires in this update.
"Come on, now! Where are you sticking that thing?"
Insert joke about needing protection from projectiles in his ass here. Oh, wait, I can't insert it, because the Franklin Badge is keeping it out!
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVEALED THIS WEEK!
See what I mean? This week was the drizzling bat shits. The best part about it was that it ended, and the brightest highlight, update-wise, was the aforementioned Franklin Badge, if only for the reason that in one of the screenshots, we got a clearer shot of the airplane in Rumble Falls and that allowed me to get angry over Funky clearly not being in it.
This Week In Moves
A double dip of moves were showcased this week. Goodie goodie! My nipples are perking through my shirt as I begin an exuberant skipping trot through the dewey early morning meadows of Joyland! There's nothing I love more than knowing what buttons to press in four months! It's all the thrill of reading an instruction manual without any of that pesky immediate payoff!
The moves were Ike dicking about with his sword and that holier-than-thou ass Pit sending his angel battles to kick your ass for not closing your eyes tight enough when channel surfing past the Logo network. I couldn't care less.
This Week In Music
A wretched sonic assault (proof that Sonic's mascot is in the game?) was sampled, another update centered around that Bible-whacker Pit. According to Sakurai himself, he wanted two completely disparate Kid Icarus songs jammed together in a "forced" feast of musical inequivalance. Just because different styles worked on The White Album doesn't mean the same will be said for Pit's stage.
Seriously, that's it for this week? What should I do now? I mean, usually in a slow week I'd spice things up with an in-depth editorial, but I've got absolutely nothing new to say (Editor's Note - I could have told him that nine weeks ago.). Well, I guess that's it for me. I... hm. It just got really cold in here. That's strange. I mean, being in Tahiti and all. Why am I typing these thoughts down, though? Eh, now I'm too lazy to use the backspace key. I should wrap this up. See you losers ne-
"I'm gonna' strangle 'ya, Bob!"
Oh shit! CHRIS BENOIT! What... what do you want?
 "I'm sick of 'ya always cracking wise about me! I was World Heavyweight Champion! I fought Booker T. in a best of seven series!"
You used your finishing move on your own child.
"What was I supposed to do... job to him? It was my last match!"
Why are you here?
"I'm afraid I'm responsible for this."
Oh my God.
 Please stop using the Lord's name in vain, Bob. It makes you Jewish in His eyes.
What's going on?
Bob, haven't you noticed it strange that, for three straight weeks now, you've opened with the exact same paragraph?
I... have? But I write a new one each week...
And your health problems! Blackin' out, vomitin' blood... sounds like a perfect excuse to miss a pay-per-view, if you ask me...
Shut up, Chris.
Sorry, Pit.
Bob, your body and mind is shutting down.
So that explans you two. You're nothing more than a delusional man's hallucinations.
Probably! But if not, we're here to take you on a journey. A mystical adventure through various realms. I'm not going to lie to you. We'll be gone several weeks, if not months. But it's a journey to discover the truth about you. The truth about you... and Super Smash Bros. Brawl. Are you ready?
This is the dumbest column ever.
Say goodbye to Tahiti, Bob.
Can we stop for some growth hormone before we go universe hoppin', Pit? I really need some growth hormone.
Shut up, Chris.
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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