Bitching About Brawl
August 18, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 1 - The End
Last time, on Bitching About Brawl, soldier of Christ Pit...
"Hallelujah!"
...and everyone's favorite double-murderer Chris Benoit...
"The pride of Canada!"
...visited me, informed me that there's a greater signifigance to my recent health problems, and then took me through a strange time tunnel:
So here we are, traveling through space and time, while I try to write my column. Have you ever typed on a computer while floating in a zero-G SpiralGraph? Thrice now I've had to wipe vomit from my keyboard.
This Week In Characters
1. Pokémon Trainer
Well color me yellow, because seeing this as the first update of the week made me go all Sakurai-eyed in disbelief. Red/Blue/Yellow/Ash was one of the characters I felt deserved to be in, and lo and behold they've finally listened to me for once. Great, now just get to work on Diddy Kong, or I'll arrange for my nation to atomic bomb your fish-eating island yet again. Yes, a lack of Diddy would spark World War III, and the history books would be completely on my side.
This works a little differently than how I predicted it though. Pokémon Trainer, or, as I'll call him from this point on, Bob O. Friend (that's what my copy of Pokémon Red Version has as his name) won't actually do jack. Like any good world leader, he lets his young slaves do the fighting for him. In this case it's the classic starter Pokémon Charisaur, Squirtizard, and Ivitle. So what happens when one of these Pokémon get a Pokéball as an item? That's sick. As a prospective slave owner, I would never let my property make their work easier by letting them have slaves. No, I ride them hard until they're in the ground (just like my wives)!
2. Peach
As expected, she's back, setting the image of women back hundreds of years. Honey, you're going to be fighting muscular dudes with swords. With that in mind, you could have left the long-flowing skirts hanging in a closet inside of your castle. Your racetrack-and-tennis-court-surrounded castle that's next to the waterfall that sometimes isn't there, indicating severe bouts of drought in the Mushroom Kingdom. Not to go off on a tangent here, but doesn't that worry anyone else? What happens when that waterfall isn't flowing? Does that mean the mushroom and beanstock crop is dying due to lack of rain? How will she deal with this widespread famine when she's busy fighting Kirby in the Lylat System? Too bad she's royalty, otherwise I'd recommend imPEACHing her (thank you, thank you).
This Week In Items
NO NEW ITEMS REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Probably for the best. Recent item updates have been less-than-stellar. Plus, if the Jungle Beat/Bongo references keep continuing, I'm going to need an item that can double as a method of hanging myself with.
 May I recommend a weight machine?
Oh, you!
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Devil
Satan. The Prince of Darkness. Beelzebub. Asmodai. Lord Harry (the DKC cartoon?). He's here, and he's apparently joined the Blue Man Group. From the NES game Devil World comes Lucifer himself. I wonder how old Sokar feels about being lower on the totem pole than Solid Snake? I mean, if the greatest force of evil in the universe can't rank higher than Assist Trophy, you know he's having a bad day. It could be worse, Mephistopheles. You could only be a...
This Week In Stickers
Yes, stickers! For those gamers who like sticky things but are tired of reaching into their own pants for a fix. For those who like the vast collection of trophies Melee offered but were so inherently retarded that they only collected two (and those were two that you only needed to turn on the game to win!). Sakurai is here to help, because he promises that "Stickers are easier to get a hold of than trophies." He goes on to say that "There are big ones and small ones, all with different kinds of artwork. There’s a ton of variety." Much like the vast amount of male genitalia he sees in the bathhouses he frequents.
For the record, there are no Donkey Kong Country, Land, DK64, King of Swing, or Barrel Blast stickers seen in this update. However, there is a Jungle Beat gibbon and a render of DK punching a baseball. Excuse me, Sakurai. Can you please take another dump in my mouth? I didn't quite have my jaw unhinged enough the last time.
This Week In Stages
NO NEW STAGES REVEALED THIS WEEK!
Who cares? Whee! We have stickers! I'm going to put the gibbon next to the unicorn sticker on my Lisa Frank notebook! I'll be the cutest digital camera/aging deadpan comedian in school this fall!
This Week In Moves
You STILL must recover!
So tell me Pit. Why are you hanging around with Chris Benoit?
 We're going to be visiting many otherwordly planes of existence. Hell is one of them. I've been charged with dropping his soul off when we get there next week.
Great. We're going to Hell next week?
How is that any different from visiting Smash Bros. Dojo every week?
You mean Gay Carl Winslow Frottage Party?
Oh, was I suppose to give it a disgusting name? Sorry, I'm new at this Internet column business.
You'll learn. So if we're going to Hell next week... where are we headed this week?
To learn of what's happening to you, we must visit the beginning. In other words, we must visit... THE END.
Date: June 24, 2002
Location: Vermont
You've taken us back to the last feature of Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine? I don't understand.
June 24th? Man, that was a busy day for me.
2002, Chris. This was five years before you killed your wife and son.
Finally... I have a chance to go back and do it right. To go back and kill them five years earlier!
Quiet, you toothless bacon-eating bastard! We're here to observe the past, not to change it. Bob, pay attention. You're about to witness the final moments of the original dkvine.com. It was here that you were hit in the head. It was here that you began your... delusions.
Delusions? What do you mea-
 Ooh, this will be fun!
 I'll make Hot Pockets!
 You're all fucking insane!
It's... it's me. Look how young I look!
Why is it that I'm the only one who can see how ridiculous all of this is? ALL OF IT! I... can't take this anymore! CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME?
Stay in the shadows, Bob. You can't let anyone know we're here, even if you know what's about to happen.
I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS MADHOUSE!
 So sorry, my gardening hoe slipped from my hands!
Aaargh!
It was here that you fell into your coma. It was here that you went into a prolonged fantasy that you were Bob Newhart, one that you've carried with you even when you awoke.
Funaki there attacked Bob! I'M GONNA' STRANGLE HIM!
NO, CHRIS! STAY BACK!
Oh my! Please refrain from placing your wrists around my neck in an interlocking pattern!
The ghost of Chris Benoit is going to murder Shigeru Miyamoto! Pit, do something! If Miyamoto dies in 2002, the world will never be blessed with Wii Fit!
And?
...good point.
What am I saying? I've got to do something!
Open the time tunnel! Get him, and us, out of here!
But if I open the tunnel this close to others, we may suck them in with it!
TAP! TAP LIKE TRIPLE H AT WRESTLEMANIA XX!
Urg... urg... I see... a beautiful garden...
Looks like I have no choice!
Whooooooooa!
It's a time tunnel! Or is it a flower, hidden inside a subway train?
Mm... honey... honey... wake up... you won't believe the... the dream I just had...
Miyamoto and my past self have been sucked into the time tunnel!
I can't do anything about it! We're going to have to take them with us! Take them straight... INTO HELL!
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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