Bitching About Brawl
August 25, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 2 - Hell
Bob O. Friend here, joined by my newfound colleagues Pit...
"Onward Christian soldiers!"
...Internet wrestling darling Chris Benoit...
"Baby, I only hurt 'ya cause I love 'ya!"
...and, thanks to an accident involving our time tunnel, the 2002 version of Shigeru Miyamoto.
"You will take it the way I make it!"
There was also the 2002 version of my comatose self, but since he... I... couldn't hold on, we lost myself through the timestream. Good going, Pit!
 We'll find your past self, Bob. Count on it.
And if we don't? We've already buggered the past of Miyamoto up. If something happens to me, then who will whine about Diddy not being in Brawl every week? I don't even understand why we had to go back to 2002 in the first place! If you needed to drop Benoit off into Hell, why not go there first?
The trip to Hell is two-fold. Fold number one, as you've said, is to swap Benoit out with a soul that actually belongs in Heaven.
Isn't there a Grim Reaper or something that handles that?
Two of them. But ever since Rare was purchased by Microsoft, I haven't been allowed to get in touch with them. Legal issues and what not. Anyway, number two, the soul we're bringing to Heaven is actually someone that will be able to confirm that you're not Bob Newhart.
But I am Bob Newhart. I-
My theory is that you've been having health problems because your brain can't reconcile this delusion you've carried with you since your coma. That's why I took you back to 2002. I needed you to relive the moment of your accident so that you could see with your own eyes how there's no way you could have become Bob Newhart from being hit in the head with a garden hoe. Hopefully the trip to Hell will wash away the last amount of doubt you have.
In my entire life I've never met anyone who's brimming to the rim with complete horseshit as you are.
This Week In Characters
I... huh. The time travel must be making me see things. Let me try this again.
This Week In Characters
Okay, this isn't funny. Pit, are you playing tricks on me with your Christian black magic?
No, that's really Di-
SHUT UP, FUCKFACE! Let me think. This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be... okay. Let me start over one more time.
This Week In Characters
1. Diddy Kong
So I guess I can't deny it. The unthinkable has occured. Long have I pondered what I would say if Diddy Kong was actually revealed. No, I'm just kidding. I never saw this coming, so I didn't bother preparing anything. Needless to say, this is perhaps the most surprising news we'll ever get for this game. The only thing that would wow me more is having yet another Donkey Kong character make it in, but I'm certainly not going to bitch about Brawl if that doesn't happen.
It's shocking that, just a few short months ago, a big point of this column was complaining that Donkey Kong was still nowhere to be found in the game. Now we have Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong. This eradicates the ill will I felt over the Konga and Jungle Beat references, and really makes me sorry for insulting Sakurai's genitalia so much. I should have known better. His name starts with "sack!" You've got some enormous man-meat dangling between your legs there, Sakurai, and I humbly apologize for everything I've ever said about you. Thank you. Hey, Benoit and Miyamoto! Come over and look who the new character is!
"WHAAAAAAAAAAT?"
I guess this just proves that gamers will put up with mediocre characters if the graphics are good!
This Week In Items
1. Diddy Kong
Diddy Kong is so awesome, he doesn't need items. So, therefore, he's a licensed weapon unto himself! Diddy Kong. He'll kill you and your family seven times before you the ground! Of course, he does it in a totally non-violent way. Diddy would never kill, after all.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Diddy Kong
Remember how I was so worried over the possibility of Diddy being an Assist Trophy and not a playable character? Oh, those were the days. God, I'm so happy. Pit, after we leave Hell, can we go to a dewey meadow and pick wildflowers?
No.
 Are 'ya... are 'ya gonna' bitch at all this week?
Why spend time bitching when life is so short? I know I've only known you guys for a couple of weeks, but I just want to say right now how much I love you both. Well, not so much you Chris. You did kill your family.
Heh heh. Me and my rascally hands.
This Week In Bosses
1. Diddy Kong
No, seriously, it's Petey Piranha or something non-Diddy related. I don't care. Petey Piranha is not a playable character. But you know who is a playable character? Guys? Anyone?
Sigh. Diddy Kong?
DIDDY KONG! Oh man, do you know what this means? Diddy Kong will be in Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Hell can't be as bad as this.
This Week In Stages
1. Diddy Kong
Oh, I know what you're probably thinking. "Bob, Diddy Kong is not a stage!" YOU'RE WRONG! Let me expla-
Uh, Bob? Can you wrap this column up? We've arrived at Hell.
Oh, okay. Well, can I just say one last thing?
Sure.
.....
.....
...DIDDY KONG!
Date: August 25, 2007
Location: Hell
"Welcome to the eternal inferno!"
 Yeah, yeah. It's something I do. Apparently. Anyway, what brings you here, Pit? I haven't seen your face around these parts since I whipped your ass in that game of Mario Party 8!
Mario Party 8? Truly this is the land of the damned!
I'm just dropping off a soul that, thanks to a paperwork filing error, wound up in Heaven by mistake.
Ah, Chris Benoit. I've been waiting for you. I have a particularly interesting form of eternal damnation lined up for you.
I can take anything you dish out!
Oh, really? Well, for the rest of time, you'll once again be wrestling... on this program...
NOOOOOOOOOO!
Oh, that's always so much fun. So Pit, who are the other two with you?
Devil, this is Bob O. Friend...
I'm a HUGE fan! Seriously, I don't want to sound like a gushing school girl or anything, but...
That's great, Bob. And this is a time-displaced Shigeru Miyamoto.
Ah, of course. Sorry Shigs, I didn't recognize you with that scowl on your face. Geez, did someone kill your dog or something?
"Worse. Diddy Kong is going to be in the next-generation Super Smash Bros. game."
That's horrible news.
So D, I believe you have a soul waiting for us?
Ah, of course. Tom, get over here!
"Hello! I'm television's Tom Poston!"
TOM! You were the one who wound up in Hell by accident?
 Oh, it wasn't so bad. They gave me a decent room. Sure, it wasn't climate-controlled, but I shouldn't complain. My neighbor had a sharpened pole impaled in his rectum.
Well, I suppose we'll be off. Chris, you take care.
NO! IF YOU LEAVE ME HERE I'LL STRANGLE 'YA!
Lovely. Bob, Tom, and Miyamoto, come on.
 Ahem, um... actually, I think I'll be staying here.
Excuse me?
Well, you two need to deposit Mr. Poston in Heaven. Or, is Heaven a cake-baking factory in the clouds? Is there a doorway in my fireplace?
What?
The Devil and I go way back. I am sure he would not mind returning me to the year 2002. That way it will save you a trip.
Oh, I'd be more than happy to! Anything to help a buddy in need! That's my motto!
Fantastic! You're from good stock, Devil. In another life, I feel like I could have called you... friend.
Okay, they're gone. What are you up to, 2002 Miyamoto?
It is that back-stabbing bastard Sakurai! Putting Diddy Kong in the third Smash Bros. game directly interferes with my plans to erase every trace of the Donkey Kong Country series! Right now, in the year of 2002, I am persuading Nintendo to rid themselves of Rare so that I can be rid of their ruinous ideas for my baby!
Donkey Kong?
Yes. Honestly, who has ever heard of a peaceful gorilla anyway?
So what do you want me to do about it?
Help me raise an army. We need to prevent Diddy Kong from being in this game. Whatever it takes, Diddy Kong must die!
Chris... if it gets you out of your damnation, would you like to be a part of this army?
Diddy Kong? I'M GONNA' STRANGLE HIM!
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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