Bitching About Brawl
September 1, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 3 - Skyworld (aka Heaven)
I'm Bob O. Friend, and this is Pit...
"Bless this house, bless this meat, good God almighty, let's eat!"
...and a Heaven-bound soul you may know as television's Tom Poston.
"Hi Bob!"
Hi Tom. Now Pit, last week you said that Tom was supposed to inform me that I am not, in fact, Bob Newhart?
 That's right. As I mentioned to you, I believe your health crisis is due to your severe mental trauma. As your guardian angel, it's my duty to resolve this. That means forcing you to reconcile the fact that you're a digital camera, not Bob bloody Newhart.
 I don't mean to be a bother Pit, but for some reason... I think you're wrong.
Yeah, I'm not.
See, I know it sounds strange. But I knew Bob Newhart for many years. We worked together a long time, long time. And now that I'm a non-corperal spirit, I can sense these things. Somehow, I'm sensing Bob Newhart's soul inside of Mr. Friend here.
Hah! I knew it! I told you Pit, I so totally fucking told you! Agnostic camera man one, sweaty Christian angel zero.
As the Vulcans would say, that's most illogical. Bob Newhart isn't dead.
Then why is his soul mixed in with Mr. Friend's, like peanut butter with chocolate in a delicious Reese's treat?
Well this creates a whole new problem. Okay, Bob. After we drop Tom off at Heaven, I suppose we'll need to be paying Newhart a visit. Maybe he'll have some answers. Until then, do your silly little column.
This Week In Characters
1. Diddy Kong
Okay, so there really weren't any new characters this week. I guess Sakurai rightly assumed that after the sheer badassery of Diddy Kong being unveiled, there would be no point in attempting to top it. So, in honor of his concession that Diddy is the best character in the history of fighting games, we'll pretend that Diddy Kong was revealed this week as well.
WHOA OMG DIDDY KONG IS IN BRAWL CUM CUM CUM IN MY PANTS!!11!!!
This Week In Items
1. Superspicy Curry
No, not a racial slur for people of Indian descent. This food will make you a flamer. Not, not a slur for a male of the homosexual persuasion. It'll literally make you breathe fire. Like a no-good Samoan savage.
This Week In Assist Trophies
1. Andross (Polygonal)
For some reason Sakurai thinks that the antiquated SNES polygonal model of Andross rates over the giant monkey face of Star Fox 64 and Star Fox Adventures. Well, I disagree. Granted, I'm not going to verbally lay into the man like I used to, because he, after all, slid a ribbed playable Diddy Kong into my man-gina. Still, here's hoping Andross' true form will appear as a boss in the Subspace Emissary. If not, who would that leave for the Star Fox team to fight? General Scales? That would only be intimidating if he challenged you to a faint-off (and fainting would still be a better Final Smash than the DK Bongos).
This Week In Stages
1. WarioWare
Yeah, we finally got a new stage after a several week hiatus. As anticipated, it was a doozy. Wario's first revealed level is from his recent WarioWare series, the concept being that you're actually trapped in his microgames as you fight. My only gripe is that I'm fairly certain "WarioWare" isn't a location but a game title. It's as ridiculous as naming a locale Yoshi's Island or Luigi's Mansion.
Oh wait.
This Week In Moves
1. Meta Knight: Special Moves
Mach Tornado (scourge of the trailer park), Triple Dash (what a drunk Luke Skywalker sees between The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi), Shuttle Loop (the next Six Flags amusement park ride to take a life), and the Dimensional Cape (a superhero who can change Superman's origin by punching a crystal wall).
2. Pokémon Trainer: Special Moves
Squirtle: Waterfall (apparently, you don't want to go chasing them) and Withdraw (sorry Squirtle, but you can actually still impregnate her with your pre-ejaculate).
Ivysaur: Bullet Seed (what happens when Ivysaur doesn't Withdraw) and Vine Whip (Ivysaur's foreplay before he unloads his Bullet Seed).
Charizard: Flamethrower (gee, I bet this one shoots ice) and Rock Smash (I bet this one shoots fire).
3. Glide
Winged characters like Pit can use said wings to fly.
Yeah, I know I can fly.
Right, but I was just describing your role in the game.
Well yeah, but I can walk too. Is that going to be worthy enough news to have an update over?
Knowing this site, that will warrant two.
Date: Septeber 1, 2007
Location: Skyworld (aka Heaven)
"Welcome to Skyworld! Let's go!"
Gunpei Yokoi! Wow! How's Heaven been treating you?
 Oh, I just crash here every now and again. I'm usually exploring the vast cosmos. It's one of the perks of death.
And when you drop something heavy on your foot, you don't feel a thing!
And if you take your death certificate to Burger King, you'll get a ten percent discount!
BEING DEAD ROCKS!
Oh man, I really need to find a new crowd to hang out with.
Mr. Yokoi, is The Creator busy?
Last I heard, he hit the "Play All" button on his Full House DVDs. He won't be out for hours.
Well, He's going to have to hit pause. I just got back from rescuing Tom Poston from Hell and I'd like to introduce Him to Bob here.
Okay, but the last time He was interrupted was during the episode where Jesse and Joey try to get Michelle to take her cough medicine.
And?
Hurricane Katrina.
Well I'll knock anyway. Hello? God? God?
"Fock Pit! Urkel just convinced Stephanie to get glasses. Hi-larity was ensuing!"
Yeah, I'm sorry. It couldn't wait.
 Oh, that's okay. I saw this one on Nick at Nite the other week anyway. Anyway, I see you've returned from your little quest. Tell Bob to step forth and meet his Maker.
Uh, hi God. Are you a Bitching About Brawl fan?
Bob, I hope you don't mind the trip you've been sent on. I assigned Pit to your case because, believe it or not, you're very valuable to Me.
So You know what's wrong with me?
I do. It's a domn shame, but I'm afraid I can't tell you. It's up to you to discover the truth yourself.
Why do You replace all the vowels in Your cursing with o's?
That way I can be as filthy-mouthed as I want to be without setting a bad example for the children that pray to Me.
Oh, that's adorable.
Well, we better get going. We need to pay a visit to Bob Newhart.
Hold up, Pit. There's still the matter of what happened in 2002. The past version of Bob and Shigeru Miyamoto are still time-displaced.
Well, um, we don't really know what happened to Bob's past self. We lost him through the timestream. But Miyamoto is safe and sound back in his own time! Satan promised to take care of it for us.
Oh, did he? Pit, how many times have I told you not to play with that Lucifer kid.
But Goooooood!
God Computer! Activate the Satan Tracker! Show me his whereabouts, circa September 1, 2007!
God Compu-
Shhhh! We're picking up something! He's in Tokyo!
And he's not alone.
"Boogety boogety boo!"
"Cut the evil routine, Devil! That goes for you too, Christopher."
"Aw, am I really evil just because I like to immediately kill women and children? I'm more like an opposite Titanic!"
 Hello gentlemen. We are in need of your assistance.
"Anything for you, Miyamoto-san!"
Who are those two?
Trouble with a capital T. They're Nintendo Tokyo.
As I am sure you already know, that no-good Sakarai is putting Diddy Kong in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
 After all we did to erase him with our super-cool creation, the gibbons?
 We gave them the potassium-filled yellow fruit stick! What more do they want?
They are unappreciative of my underdeveloped concept! Donkey Kong should be a personality-devoid villain with vaguely racist undertones! That is why you two must drop whatever game you are currently working on...
Super Mario Galaxy?
Cancel it! Just port Super Mario Sunshine! Trust me, I am from mid-2002! I know people will not mind paying for that game again! They will adore it and make Nintendo the number one fun company in the world!
But why?
Because you have just been recruited into the Anti-Didite Army. Diddy Kong must die!
  DIDDY KONG MUST DIE!
My... uh, God! And Pit! We've got to stop them! If Diddy Kong is removed from Super Smash Bros...
You will never stop bitching about Brawl.
But we have to go find Bob's 2002 body! And meet with Bob Newhart!
Oh, for the love of Me! Stop being such a candy oss Pit. Newhart can wait. You know how important Donkey Kong and friends are to Me. After all, contrary to what Miyamoto believes, Donkey Kong isn't his son. He's Mine.
So you mean DK really is...
The Messiah, yes. Pit, you and Bob take Gunpei Yokoi and head to Donkey Kong Island. Protect Diddy Kong at all costs.
May I do anything to help?
Television's Tom Poston, yes. Despite this new crisis, we still must find the past version of Bob. If not, history may be altered. Go forth and search for him. Take this communicator and keep in constant contact with Pit, Bob, and Gunpei.
I won't let You down!
Mespeed, everyone. Mespeed.
Before we go kill some Diddy Kong, I'm famished. Where do you guys want to go eat?
Subway!
Eat FRESH!
Write to Bob O. Friend.
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