Bitching About Brawl
September 8, 2007
Adventure Mode Week 4 - Kongo Jungle
Welcome back to Bitching About Brawl. This week, my posse includes Pit...
"I've always wished to be a real boy."
...and the creator of portable gaming, Mr. Gunpei Yokoi.
"I'm going to brick-slap Miyamoto with an original Game Boy!"
Hell yeah. So, we're heading to the Kongo Jungle to rescue Diddy Kong from an assasination at the hands of the Anti-Didite Army. The stakes are high. If Diddy Kong is removed, I'm going to be bitching about Brawl for all time.
 Sigh. What happened to Miyamoto was my fault.
Come again, Gunpei?
When I first knew him, Miyamoto was already a great gardener. But I was amazed at how strongly the Japan Magic Creative was with him. I took it upon myself to train him as a developer. I thought I could instruct him as well as Yamauchi. I was wrong.
There's still good in him.
No there's not. Why would you say that? The guy hates Diddy Kong.
Oh, right. Fuck that twit.
This Week In Characters
1. Meta Knight
Uh, surprise?
This Week In Items
1. CDs
Actually, not so much a new item as a new feature. Collect CDs to increase your music selection. Then, go into "My Music" and change the frequency each song plays for a stage. It looks like there will be multiple songs for each franchise, some the exact original versions, so if there's a tune you particularly hate (i.e. any Jungle Beat monstrosity), you never have to listen to it again.
Sigh. I have nothing bad to say about this. I adore it.
This Week In Stages
1. Pokémon Stadium 2
This time, the terrains will be themed around "Electric," "Ground," "Flying," and "Ice." Looks cool.
Looks cool as in, "this is worse than motherfucking frostbite?"
No, I have no problem with this either.
 Diddy Kong has neutered you.
This Week In Moves
1. Diddy Kong: Special Moves
He may have taken my testicles, but I still got hard when I saw this! Peanut Popgun (hold it too long and it will blow up in your face... that's what she said!) and Rocketbarrel Boost (the DK64 version, not the Mario Power Tennis tweak) were both profiled.
2. Mario: Special Moves
The F.L.U.D.D. has taken the place of Mario Tornado (although Mario Tornado is now a regular move). As much as I dislike Mario Sunshine, how can I hate on the F.L.U.D.D. when we're getting Peanut Popguns? Sorry, I'll gladly accept this.
I joined this column way too late. Now I know how Cousin Oliver felt.
This Week In Music
The Brawl Theme has finally been uploaded to Dojo, as well as the Pokémon Stadium theme. They both sound...
Like getting raped in the ear by Wilt Chamberlain?
Like a Yoko Ono, Enya, and Celtic Woman supergroup?
...superb.
Aw.
Date: Septeber 8, 2007
Location: Kongo Jungle
So we're actually on Donkey Kong Island. This is starting to feel like atrocious fan fiction. Seriously, what happened to my angry little column?
Face it, Bob. You stopped being angry the second Diddy was revealed. If it wasn't for this adventure, your column would have no reason to exist.
I guess that's true, but Christ! This has become so lam...
What's wrong?
I feel dizzy. I have a splitting headache. I want to vomit.
Sounds like you've been playing the Virtual Boy!
Fuck you, you angelic asshole. You're just bitter there was never a Kid Icarus game in full red and black splendor.
No, seriously... I haven't felt this bad since a couple of weeks ago, and even then it didn't feel like my insides were being forced to play Mario Party 8.
Hm... it's your health issues. We've been in the afterlife for the last half month. You wouldn't feel the effects there, but rest assured your condition has been growing worse.
Great. I'll die before Brawl is even released.
Come on! Over half of the people in this column so far have been dead. I don't see how that precludes you from bitching about Brawl.
Yeah, but I don't think spirits can send columns for Slush to put up on the site. Well, that Mark guy must be dead inside, but that doesn't count.
We'll solve your health crisis, Bob. That's our primary mission as soon as Diddy Kong is safe and sound.
So let's get at it. We're in the Kongo Jungle. I'm sure he's around here somewhere. Jungle Climber is coming out in a few days for the Not-A-Game-Boy, and he'd probably be resting up.
Judging from the lack of promotion that game is getting, he could probably stay in bed for the entire game since nobody will play it.
"Hey look, Diddy! It's a freaky deaky winged guy standing next to a redman!"
"They prefer to be called Native Americans, DK. You're such a racist."
 This coming from the guy who geonicided a good majority of the Kremling race by blowing up their island. Pot, kettle, black.
 African American.
Sieg heil, Diddy. Sieg heil.
Ah, go shock and awe the Fruit Kingdoms again, DK Cheney.
And it only took you three years to come up with that one! Know any great Bosnia parallels to be made with DK '94?
Um, excuse me. My name is Bob O. Friend. We're here to... rescue you.
Rescue? We don't need rescuing from anything. Well, there was that time DK here was kidnapped by K. Rool... twice.
Hey Diddy, KAOS called. He wants his brain back.
Pot, kettle, African American.
Shut up! Shut up! Sweet Jesus, I can't believe you're Jesus.
Excuse me? Donkey all confused.
We don't have a lot of time, so I'll cut to the point. DK, you're the son of God. Your Earth father is Cranky Kong, but his seed was enchanced by God's own blend of spooge. Meanwhile, there are evil forces at work that are very pissed off that Diddy is going to be in Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
K. Rool? Wizpig?
Worse than your rogues gallery. The Devil, Shigeru Miyamoto, Chris Benoit, and those Nintendo Tokyo guys.
And they want to bring me down? Like Hell! It's on like Diddy Kong!
Stop stealing things attributed to me!
I'll keep that in mind, Mr. Donkey Kong Racing. Oh wait, that game's been canceled. Guess you'll just have to play Diddy Kong Racing DS.
Barrel Blast, bitch.
Enough! Pit, use your God Laptop and track the Anti-Didites. Show them the looming threat.
Can do. Pinpointing their location now...
Odd. They're nowhere near Donkey Kong Island.
They're nowhere near 2007! They're in early 1994. Rare headquarters.
We made a major miscalculation! They weren't coming to the Kongo Jungle at all! They were going back in time to prevent Donkey Kong Country from ever being made!
And they have a new member... PETEY.
"Prepare to die, Rareholes!"
     DIDDY KONG MUST DIE!
WE HAVE TO GO BACK TO 1994 AND STOP THEM!
OR ELSE DONKEY KONG COUNTRY WILL NEVER EXIST... AND NEITHER WILL DIDDY!
Oh geez... why am I bleeding from my mouth, nose, ears, ass, penis, nipples, and cuticles?
Cameras have mouths, noses, ears, asses, penises, nipples, and cuticles? Oh hey, what did you say about me not existing just now?
I think... I'm really dying. To quote Leonard Nimoy as Spock in Star Trek II... "it was fun."
That was Kirk in Star Trek Generations.
Nerd alert!
Ah, nuts.
...*
Bob... Bob is dead.
What. The. FUCK?
Write to... Pit?
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