Salutations! Bob O. Friend here to provide the first entry of my weekly summary on Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. I'll be running down what's been divulged over the last week on sites like Rarew(h)a(e)re and elsewhere, and I'll be doing it every goddamn week until this game is released. Sounds like an enjoyable three minutes of your time, right? Well, my plans were dashed early on when I read some pesky cop-

"Help me! You must help me! Please!"


Gunpei Yokoi?

"Thanks for appearing on my first show back, Bob."


"Uh, yeah. Tha-thank you, Dave. How are you on the air, again? The writer's strike isn't at an end."


"My company, Worldwide Pants, has reached a contract agreement with the Writers Guild. Everyone involved with Worldwide Pants is back to work... except one, whom we haven't seen since 1994."


"1994? He probably befell Lord Miyamoto."


"I never thought of that. Oh God. He... he's dead, and he was so young. So young. Well, it's time for WILL IT FLOAT!!!"



"HEY! WILL IT FLOAT, WILL IT FLOAT..."

"Here we are, Bob. Ghoulhaven Hall."


What makes you think Tim Stamper has gone here?


His brother is radioactive goo. This? This is a nexus point for spirits. A meeting place where both the living and the dead come together. The Stampers made a pact that, if one of them were to die, the other would come here to make contact.


That's retarded.


If we can't find Tim and convince him to rebuild Rare and make Donkey Kong Country, all will be lost... and I'll have to take that staff writing position on The Late Show.


A haunted house. This isn't going to lead us to make some Ghostbusters quotes, is it? Because I'm just not up for that. Let's get it out of our system now. Dogs and cats, living together! That's a big Twinkie. Back off man, I'm a scientist. If someone asks if you're a God, you say YES!


Why are you always such a cunt?


I'm just trying to stave off the hackneyed writing to come.


Take a look around. Think back to the story so far. It's far too late for that.


Your point?


I want a Ghostbusters parody. If I want a Ghostbusters parody, we're going to get a GOOD GODDAMN GHOSTBUSTERS PARODY!


Yeah, this is so retarded, Jenny McCarthy would call it her son.

From the diary of Our Friend: It's been over fifty years now since my imprisonment in this prison camp. I've grown numb to the reality of my situation. Numb to pain. Numb to hope. And as I think back on what led me here, what started as a mission to commit infanticide, I realize that karma has not waited to punish me in the next life.

Sometimes I wonder what the Doc is doing. The day we arrived he was abducted by a wizard, to be transformed as a Boo in Miyamoto's army. But I try not to dwell on this. If my mind wanders, if they notice me preoccupied from the tasks at hand, I'll no doubt find myself stacked in a naked pyramid with other prisoners and dissidents. Or I'll be Wii Fit boarded, which has been known to break even the most steely of men.

Shit. Back to work. The Super Happy Tree won't prune itself.

"DICK!"



"Yes, Supreme Ruler Lord Miyamoto?"


I'm goin' to go on vacation to my ranch. My garden has a lot of brush that needs clearin'.


Sir, with all due respect, for the eight years you've been in power, you've spent at least thirty percent of that time on vacation. In your garden. Clearing brush.


Thanks for the due respect, Dicky. Heh heh heh.


Sir, the economy is in shambles. The state of the gold coin is ruinous. 100 coins won't even get you an extra life anymore! People are losing their castles, nobody can afford to fuel their crazy banana peel dropping karts... the public won't stand you going on vacation yet again!


And my garden won't stand not gettin' its brush cleared. Out'ta my way.


Can you at least stay for today's briefing from General Reggie?


Reggie? Hey, ain't he the guy from Family Matters? I loved him. Remember when he was all like, "Go home Steve!" Heh heh heh. He liked donuts.


General Reggie, sir. The man in charge of our occupation of Sega.


Aw man, he ain't nearly as fun as Family Matters Reggie. Or fat. I like fat guys. They remind me of Santa. Heh heh heh. Presents.

"Thank you for coming on such short notice."



"That's what she said. Ah, but, uh... it's not like I had much choice. You're motherfucking God."


We've both failed in our attempts to preserve the natural course of events.


Not necessarily. While Team Our Friend/Poston has vanished, my other agents, Team Bob O. Friend/Loveday, are still active. Mwa ha ha.


If you don't cut out that evil laughter, I'm banishing you to Limbo.


A blank, unexciting, vapid nothingness? Too late, I've already been to Go Nintendo.


Oh, snap!


Seriously though, they're going to sort things out at Ghoulhaven. Donkey Kong Country will be made.


From my vantage point, the events at Ghoulhaven have long since transpired. They both fail.


Then what do we do now?


We actually have a window that we've both overlooked. We need to go back to where it all began.


Where?


The End.

Wow, this place is actually kind of cool.


Yeah... I wonder if it would be a good idea to set a video game here?


Are you kidding? You could have it be a 3-D beat-em-up! It would sell millions!


First things first. We find Tim and get Donkey Kong Country made, then we'll worry about the haunted house game.


You should call it Teabagged By The Testicles.


Brilliant.



"HALT! I AM THE GREAT WIZARD KAMEK! IDENTIFY YOURSELVES!"


This isn't right... this is a Rare sanctuary. Miyamoto's forces shouldn't be here!


Over the last few days, we've taken over every inch of this planet. Priority one was hunting down Tim Stamper. Lucky for him he was already in a residence for the dead.


Well, we fucking fumbled this one. Back to the RETARDIS. Let's just go chill with some dinosaurs or something. I've had it up to here with trying to save the present.


Come forth, my number one minion!



"Boo!"


Kill them, Tom.


Hey Bob?


Yes Leigh?


Before we die, I just wanted you to know... I hate you.


I hate you too, Leigh. This is what you get for never giving any substantive information in Scribes.


I get eaten by a cartoon ghost made of the soul of an actor who portrayed a television handyman?


That's exactly what you get. And let's not even get into what you deserve for "Uncle Tusk!"


Yeah, I figured as much.


Yeah.

"So Bob, any new projects coming up?"


"Uh, no. None at all, actually."


"Oh. Well... this is a terrible interview."


"We... we can talk about my old work."


"....sure. Well, I mean, I loved Newhart. That was a fantastic show. You know, the whole ending where you got hit in the head with the golf ball."


"Funny story, actually. Ever since then, I've had some strange delusions."


"Such as?"


"Such as this persistent fantasy where I'm a digital camera."


"That's fascinating. Hey, why aren't we sitting down?"

I'm not sure that I understand this plan. Why are we observing the events of this day?


In this reality, on this day, Miyamoto is coming to vacation on his ranch. However, in the previous timeline, this site was the finale of Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine.


And?


And My angel, Pit, traveled to this spot along with Bob O. Friend and the ghost of Chris Benoit.


But that was a timeline that no longer exists. They're not going to travel here. They don't exist!


Not quite... the Bob O. Friend that went to Ghoulhaven Hall, and ultimately died there, was a future version of the Our Friend that was going to get hit by a garden ho here.


And that never happened here.


Right... I... um, hold on, I'm confused.


Need a minute?


Please.


Okay, let me know when you're ready.


Got it!


Really?


No.


Ah.


Okay, okay, okay. I think... yes. Now I'm ready. You see, that Bob O. Friend still existed, even if the timeline he came from was overwritten. That means there was a tether to keep him from being erased.


And that tether being?


He fell through a time tunnel and became lost. A time tunnel that was opened by Pit, right on this spot.


But if Pit is no longer around to open that time tunnel...


It's a cosmic anamoly, but I believe that, for the time-displaced Our Friend/Bob O. Friend to exist, that time tunnel will have to open, even if only momentarily.


And?


And, for a nanosecond, Pit, Bob O. Friend, and Chris Benoit will exist. I'll wrap a God Bubble around them and pull them out. We'll once again have the agents we need to fight the forces of Miyamoto.


Thanks for comin' with me on my vacation, Kammie.


: My pleasure. You know how I love removing overgrown weeds.


Heh heh heh, I used to love overgrown weeds in high school. That's before I discovered blow.


I hope you don't mind, but I brought along my three best Boos to help us.





My Self! They've all become slaves of Kamek!


What happened to this timeline's Our Friend?

They flushed pages from my favorite porn down the toilet today. I can't go on... I can't go on. I've finally decided... tonight will be the night I kill myself.





You've got to help us!


Gunpei Yokoi? With... me?


Hello. I'm the Bob O. Friend... of Earth-2. Come with us.

There it is! The time tunnel!


What kind of sorcery is this?


Heh heh heh. It's like some sort of space vagina.


Now where are our three men?



"June 24th? Man, that was a busy day for me."



"2002, Chris. This was five years before you killed your... hold on. Something's not right. Where are we?"


Now! Throw them in the God Bubble!


Pit, Bob O. Friend, and Chris Benoit! You will now come up with us. Quick, Master Hand! Let us retreat to the Chest Of Time!


They're... gone. What just happened?


I dunno. But the brush clearin' can wait, Kammie. Let's use your magic to follow them.


Yes, but I suspect we'll need a bigger army than just the two of us and my Boos. Let us gather one.

...and that's the whole story.


Unbelievable! To think that I don't technically exist... yet here I am.


It's like I've been given a second chance. In this reality, I never killed my family!


Actually Chris, in this reality, you killed your family, your neighbors, and the entire cast of Mamma Mia!: The Motion Picture.


Ah, feels like home already!


May I speak?


Yes, go ahead.


Uh, well, has anyone brought up the fact that this is just an Internet column for a video game website? It seems like a rather unusual place for supernatural forces to battle for the fate of the universe.


Little do you know just how important Donkey Kong Country is to the well-being of mankind.


Oh, please enlighten me. Uh, Your Almighty...ness.


Think back to the 1990's, as you remember them happening. The world was at relative peace. People were happy. The future looked bright. Why was that?


Well, we had competent leaders, for one.


And you had the Donkey Kong Country series. You see, the Donkey Kong Country series was My gift to man. They were supposed to live in harmony with it for a thousand years.


But there were some who refused Your gift.


Yes. Shigeru Miyamoto has always been opposed to it. Having Diddy Kong in Super Smash Bros. Brawl was the final straw. He sought to rewrite the very fabric of time in order to eliminate My gift.


Then how do we set things right? By stranglin' people?


I don't know. The timestream is in such knots that I'm not sure we can untangle it. I'm almost leaning towards initiating the Apocalypse just to be done with the whole mess. I can always get it right the second time.


There has to be another way.


Bob, it's time I level with you on your role in this. Why YOU are so important. And what's been happening to you...

"Would you like to touch my beard?"


"Uh, I... very much would."





Bob Newhart! Help us!


"Holy moley!"


Sorry to interrupt your show, Mr. Leno, but we need Newhart's help!


"I... uh... who... who are you?"


Gunpei Yokoi, creator of the Virtual Boy. And in your heart, I believe you already know the men standing with me. The elderly Our Friend of this timeline, and the Bob O. Friend of Earth-2.


"Y-yes. It's all so clear now."


Step into my time tunnel, Newhart. We must act now.


"M-my God. It's full of stars."

In addition to sending My son, Donkey Kong, to Earth, I knew I needed additional help to protect the ideals of Donkey Kong Country: Intensely detailed continuity and absurdly dry humor. So I designed two avatars of myself to live amongst the mortals, to guide man towards Donkey Kong Country: Our Friend and Bob Newhart.


Bullshit.


Things were going well until the day Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine shut down. That's when it all went wrong. You were hit in the head with that garden ho. Your wiring crossed over with My other avatar. You began to think you were him. It began effecting your health, as your mortal body couldn't comprehend the divine influence behind your creation. Listen to Me. You must understand this, or your body will continue to shut down: You are not Bob O. Friend. You are merely Our Friend. Bob Newhart is, in essence, your brother.


Where there you have it.


What a lame resolution to a six year plotline!


And you have a sister named Samantha. She's starlight.





DIDDY KONG MUST DIE!


Looks like I have more friends than You do, Godsie. Heh heh heh. Let's brawl.

We're outmatched eight-to-five. How are we going to beat he odds?





You rang?


Gunpei! With two alternate versions of Our Friend and Bob Newhart! But how did you know? How did you survive the time overwrite?


Because I'm Gunpei Yokoi... and I'm awesome.


3


2


1


GO!


I'm going to break you into two, God!


Don't write checks your ass can't cash.


Boo Bob!


Tom?


I'm gonna' strangle 'ya, Leigh!


Yeah, you probably are.


Time to die, Gunpei!


I'm... already dead. You just wanted to say that because it rhymes! But it doesn't. It's pronounced Gun-PAY, you sloppy bitches.


Don't worry, Gunpei. I've got your back.


After I cease your pitiful life, Bob O. Friend of Earth-2, you shall be the newest Boo in my army.


What are the benefits?


Medical and dental.


Vacation time?


There's no vacation time when your eternal soul is my slave.


Eh, I'll pass.


I'm going to give you a hand job you'll never forget, Miyamoto.


Heh heh heh. As I said to the PSP jihadists after they bombed the DS Towers... bring it on. I'm gonna' bring 'ya in... dead or alive.


Come play with me! Forever and ever!


Uh, which one of us are you talking to? The elderly Our Friend or me?


I'm talking to you, Bob.


That's my brother's name, bitch.


From the diary of Our Friend: And so the warriors fought a standard one-stock battle for the ages. Diary, I wish you could see this amazing fight! Satan was the first defeated, having the tenacity to take on God Himself, and was sent back to Hell, banned from taking part in Wi-Fi battles for one year. Benoit did deliver on his promise to strangle the Boo Leigh Loveday, but little did he realize that Boos only attack when you don't face them. By applying the "Crippler Crossface," Benoit's ghost was quickly eaten, and he too was sent to Hell. Nintendo Tokyo outwitted both Gunpei and Pit for a spell with their fresh fighting style, but in the end Gunpei used his mastery of Teleroboxing to punch their heads off. I can only hope that means Jungle Beat 2 will never happen. The Bob O. Friend of Earth-2 was the second of Team God to fall, having received a magical enema from Kamek's wand. Strangely enough, I think he enjoyed it. Kamek succumbed to Bob Newhart though (who had already made quick work of Boo Tom Poston, simply firing him from the eventual Newhart reunion special) by dazzling him with his on-stage telephone routine, then strangling him to death with the cord. This led to Boo Bob O. Friend and Boo Leigh Loveday losing their powers and fading away to the afterlife.


Outnumbered, Miyamoto ran away...


And as I said to the army recruiter after I received my draft notice, you'll have to find me before I'll fight!


Stop him! He's getting away!


I've been saving this for just the right moment... I call it a "Smash Ball."





Hey, don't throw it at me man! I don't wa-


Bob O. Friend... I mean... Our Friend! He's... transforming! Turning into a new man!


Amazing. The power! The charisma!


It's finally happened. My avatar has evolved to his next persona.


You can't win! You can't defeat me!



"YES. WE. CAN!"


Now THAT'S Teleroboxing!


Diary, I've never seen anything like it. The force of the punch was so powerful that it, as God explained it, not only defeated Miyamoto but rippled back through time and defeated him in every past moment of his life. He had ceased to be in every iteration, from adulthood back to the womb. Twycross, England was never nuked. The Stampers developed Donkey Kong Country, and things were as they always should have been. As for me? Well...

I'll drop you three off here.


Th-thank you for your help in understanding our situation. Though I'm technically a doppleganger, as there's this reality's Bob Newhart running around, I, uh, look forward to living with him. There can never be enough Bobs.


Yes, thank you. For the first time in years I have true clarity of mind.


I will always watch over you, My Earthly avatars. Always. For when you look into a sunrise? That's My true face looking back.


God? I have a few questions, if you don't mind.


Pit, Gunpei, Tom and I were about to watch a Full House marathon, but I suppose I can sit the next episode out. It's a D.J.-centric episode.


If Miyamoto never existed in this new reality, how was Donkey Kong created in the first place? Does Mario never come to be? I'm confused.


The forces of evil never rest. Without a flesh and blood Miyamoto, the same dark entities that we battled improvised in this timeline. They built a robotic Shigeru to fulfill his life's work.


Then this could all happen again, couldn't it? The Cylon Miyamoto could join forces with the Devil and try to change the past.


If it does, we shall overcome. This is the power of Donkey Kong Country.


So say we all.


And what about me? I'm an old camera, from a world that will never be. Why do I still exist?


The same reason the Bob Newhart from your universe exists. Because you were outside of the timestream when it changed. I'm sorry that you can't return to your reality, but just remember: When you're lost out there and you're alone, a light is waiting to carry you home. Everywhere you look. Everywhere you look. Shooby-doo-wop doo-wah.


Uh, bye God.


About that, Our Friend. I'm not sure how long the effects of my Final Smash will last, but for now I'm taking full advantage of them. I'm running for president. Over the past eight years the world has gotten off course. We need change that people can believe in. I've got to put Rare in charge of Donkey Kong again. But in the meantime, we need someone working full-time on this website.


Me? But what can I do to help? I'm a Pokémon guy. I don't even like Donkey Kong.


You've never witnessed the full Donkey Kong Universe. There's more to it than just Donkey Kong. Like Banjo-Kazooie, for instance. A platforming game about a bear and a bird.


I'll look into it.


Bob and I have to go now, but we'll keep in touch. Take care, Our Friend.


One terrorist fist bump later and they were gone, leaving me in my new home. I've looked into Banjo-Kazooie, per his request, and it looks like great fun. I can't wait to play it and its sequels. Why, what's this? It appears that they have a new one coming out later this year! Fantastic! Except... vehicles? Game spheres? Oh, no. Oh, this won't do. This won't do at all...