Cob Cock. Without a doubt, the absolute stupidest Donkey Kong enemy you'll ever find. Introduced in Donkey Kong Jungle Beat along with a plethora of other weirdos, Cob Cock was a race of giant chicken heads on plant stalks. Let the utter depravity of that sink in for a moment. If you're feeling physically nauseous while wondering how a benevolent God could allow such an aberration of nature to exist, even in a video game, then congratulations! You've been effectively cob cocked.

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The unavoidable next step in evolution.

Now, despite frequent trips to erotic Asian massage parlors, I'm no expert on Japanese culture. If it doesn't involve baby oil or the request to "please put on condom, mister," then I'm completely in the dark. It's possible that Cob Cock's creation stemmed from an old eastern cliche, much like Donkey Kong Land's Hogwash came from the western "I'll believe we'll see a chicken plant in a Donkey Kong game WHEN PIGS FLY!" Possible but not entirely likely, since it's a well-known fact that if Japan can't fit something in a vending machine, they won't allow it in their country. This eliminates cliches, Fukushima rice, and Paul McCartney's 1980 Wings tour as possible inspirations for Cob Cock's existence. It does not, however, rule out predestination paradoxes.

They're usually option A-23, right next to the used schoolgirl panties.

You see, after playing through Jungle Beat, I got rather curious about Cob Cock's origins. Enlisting the help of Chad McCanna and Matt Cornah, we hit up our local libraries, all of us being library card-carrying members of society after watching that episode of Happy Days where Fonzie gets molested by the bicycle shop owner. After several seconds of intensive research, we believe we've discovered the source of Cob Cock: Himself. Cob Cock created Cob Cock, thanks to the miracle of Cob Cock Day.



The History of Cob Cock Day

What's Cob Cock Day, you might ask? Why, it's a mostly-forgotten but somehow widely-celebrated festival, falling every year on February 13th. According to dusty tomes given the Swiffer treatment by Mr. Cornah, Cob Cock Day was first recorded in the year 497 BCE, where it was known as Fascinalia, the celebration of what appeared to be the Roman god Fascinus (god of the divine phallus). However, fossilized spark plugs and a counter that reads MMDII was recently uncovered at the site of the earliest Fascinalia, leaving Chad (who minored in astro-time-space-continuum physics) to come up with only one conclusion: These ancient Romans were time travelers. After developing their crude, chariot-based time vessel, they traveled to the year 2005 CE, where they no doubt stumbled upon DKVine.com.

Roman

I FUCKING HATE THE MATT SMITH SHOW!

Upon doing a keyword search, we've noticed some strange anomalies in the posts and replies of user "Rarmander," who first appeared in 2005 only a few days before Jungle Beat's release and vanished several months later. Could he be the Roman who witnessed Cob Cock, mistook him for Fascinus, and built up a holiday around the assured longevity of the god, therefore creating the holiday that would eventually evolve into Cob Cock Day, assuring the creation of the very Donkey Kong character who would later inspire he and his fellow time travelers? Well, if Occam's Razor is anything to go by, then the answer is a resounding YES.

No matter the source, Fascinalia continued to be held every February 13th until the Sack of Rome by the Visigoths in 410 CE. From there, they took the celebration with them, slightly altering the name to "Jubilee of the Penised Feather Plant", where it would take on some of its more... brutal... customs that we'll detail below. Over the course of the 5th-century, these celebrations would become more and more risque and shocking, until the Jubilee of the Penised Feather Plant resembled little more than a full-on gang-bang with the underage members of your family at the annual reunion. You know, the one where everyone is raging on PCP and is wearing the skin of the hapless travelers whose RV broke down a quarter-mile away. Something had to give.

In 497 CE, Pope Gelasius I believed he had the answer: A Christian celebration that would supplant the Jubilee of the Penised Feather Plant in the hearts and minds of the populace: Saint Valentine's Day. However, tradition can't be stamped out that easily. While most of Europe would adopt the new holiday, a secret sect of revelers would take the Jubilee of the Penised Feather Plant underground, given themselves the codename "Temple of the Cob of Cock." Their organization would continue to thrive and grow in prosperity and influence over the centuries, until 1129 when they returned from seclusion to openly infiltrate the Catholic Church as the Knights Templar. Though many legends abound about their activities during the Crusades and later, it becomes quite clear that the true "Holy Grail" they were protecting was what they had now shortened to "Cob Cock Day." Later organizations such as the Freemasons would be created for no other reason but the continual preservation of their beloved holiday.

Cob Cock Day experienced a pubic resurgence in the 18th-century when it was exported to the New World. In the American colonies, where the usual stigma of Cob Cock Day had no historical basis, celebrations began to soar. It was there that much of its modern mythology began to take shape, including the figure now well-known as Father Cob Cock (although his classic image wasn't established until 1936, when RC Cola began printing his likeness on their beverages) .

Cob Cock Day suffered it's biggest modern blow in Eisenhower's 1950's America, when an elementary school was enveloped in controversy. An over-enthusiastic educator decided to have her students give out Cob Cock Day love notes to each other, the traditional Cob Cock Day love note being two quick, painful gouges of the eye with a plastic beak mask. After every boy and girl was blinded in the ensuing chaos, the Supreme Court ruled in the landmark case Cob Cock v. Eye that Valentine's Day was the only mid-February holiday to be recognized in public schools. This sealed Cob Cock Day's fate as the red-headed bird freak compared to Valentine's, and card companies, chocolatiers, and KY all quickly took its side. Cob Cock Day quickly fell out of fashion.

Ironically enough, when the developers of Donkey Kong Jungle Beat were looking for fresh inspiration to their cast of characters, they remembered the millennia-old image of Cob Cock and quickly adapted his likeness in the game. This very action started the chain of events that led to its own creation. That is, if you believe us, and when have we ever steered you wrong? Okay, there was that time we claimed that the Northern Kremisphere was actually the backside of Donkey Kong Island. Oh, and that time we did that weird feature on distorted bugs caught on film and tried to pass them off as spaceships. But THIS time we're serious!

So join us as we resurrect the celebration of Cob Cock Day, starting today and carrying forward every February 13th until we all grow tired of this site again and do our Green Porn City spin-off Mothman Chef's Kitchen. Below you'll find the list of grand traditions and customs one partakes in on Cob Cock Day, but keep in mind that these can vary from family-to-family. We're not here to tell you how to celebrate Cob Cock Day. All that's important is that you remember the reason for the season.



The Traditions of Cob Cock Day


• While most people understand the 1973 horror movie The Wicker Man to be concerned with the revival of Celtic Paganism around some of the more obscure Scottish islands, this is not so; the true inspiration for the film's goings-on were a toned down version of Cob Cock practitioners' activities, from the obligatory naked dancing to the even-more-obligatory "Feast of the Burning Scottish Policeman". Indeed, to not set fire to at least one Scottish policeman is considered the height of moral outrage. It's not murder, it's TRADITION.

• Some Cob Cockers (as they like to be called) enjoy nothing more elaborate than the simple exchange of gifts between family and friends. Except that, rather than anyone buying anything, tradition dictates that you should steal as much as you can from your loved ones and use the profits to buy something really nice for yourself. Like a hat or something. Naturally, anyone who complains about this is designated "the Cob Cock" and, as such, will be repeatedly punched in the face. It's not assault and robbery, it's TRADITION.

• Customary Cob Cock Day dress tends to be one strategically-placed cob of corn. The groinal area is usually advised, but if you live in Scotland it's unlikely there'll be any policemen around to stop you doing otherwise.

• At some point in late January, families will go out into the wilderness to find a large boulder that will serve as the Cob Cock Rock. After this is hauled into their homes, they then must use the Cob Cock Rock as their primary dining table up through Cob Cock Day. A healthy amount of food particles must be left on the rock with each meal, building up a bounty of a feast in the honor of Cob Cock to be shared by your entire family at 11 PM on Cob Cock Day.

• An effigy of Gerald Cock, the original controller of the BBC, is usually burned. In many peoples' minds, Gerald is the anti-Cob.

• The traditional Cob Cock Day greeting is normally rendered as, "cock me up, Cob!" and it's thought the pinnacle of impoliteness not to say this to every single person you meet. In fact, if this greeting isn't deployed at every single person you meet, you're considered fair game to be, so they say, "cobbed". That is, to have cobbles thrown repeatedly at your face. You should always carry a bag full of cobbles around with you on Cob Cock Day. JUST IN CASE.

• It's customary to wank oneself or flick one's clit at 2 AM on Cob Cock Day. The juices you excrete from this self-pleasure is an offering to Cob Cock so that you may be bestowed prosperity in the coming spring.

Father Cob Cock
Father Cob Cock
• The legends of Father Cob Cock vary wildly from region-to-region, but most agree on the following: He was born Gerald Featherpennings in 4th-century Greece, a local deviant who would go around sodomizing saints in their sleep, usually with the sheer brute force of his sixteen-inch penis. Legends from this time tell of his member being adorned with feathers, and indeed, most mosaics of the era depict him with beautiful plumage. Linguistic experts on urbandictionary.com trace this as the source of the vernacular "cock" to refer to the male genitalia.

After the local villagers had enough of the nightly wintertime rapes, they formed a posse to castrate Featherpennings and end their plight once-and-for-all. However, upon the moment their blade hit his "pecker," as he affectionately labeled it, an army of Jotunn trolls descended from the frosty highlands of Germany and granted him the gift of immortality by turning him into the true Spirit of Cob Cock Day. Returning with them to their mountain fortress, they would forever bring the gift of anal plundering to those who so deserve it on the eve of Cob Cock Day.

All children in households which celebrate Cob Cock Day know the tale: You mustn't eat any poultry or any poultry by-product that results in harm to birds on Cob Cock Eve, lest you want to provoke the wrath of Father Cob Cock. His Jotunn trolls prowl the world on February 12th, spying on anyone and everyone. After they make their list, they report back to the Germanic mountains where Father Cob Cock will begin his yearly journey: Travelling the entire world in one night, breaking in the doors of those who have consumed fowl meat and raping them in the most brutal fashion possible. Afterwards, to protect the magic of Cob Cock Day, he erases their memory, leaving one and all to question the next morning: Was I raped by Father Cob Cock last night?

• Remember kids: if you're ever in a shopping mall and think you see more than one Father Cob Cock, it's not that he isn't real, it's just that Father Cob Cock has a lot of "helpers" who cover for him over a busy period! He's really real honestly! Although, frankly, if you're ever in a mall full of giant corn-bearded chicken men, my advice would be to just RUN FOR YOUR LIFE.



Cob Cock Carols

For many hundreds of years, Cob Cock Day (and its predecessors) has been the inspiration for all manner of song-and-dance. From the traditional ("God Cock Me In The Gentleman's Cob") to the modern pop stylings of Whazzock! (with their hit "Last Cob Cock Day You Gave Me Your Cock"). But none have endured quite so well as the song we all associate with Cob Cock Day; the traditional Cob Cock Carol (named simply, "Cob Cock Carol") is believed to have been written by Father Cob Cock himself. And by "believed" we of course mean "not even remotely believed".

All the same, here is the Cob Cock Carol in all its original glory. It tells the story of Father Cob Cock and his questionable activities, all in easy-for-children-to-remember lyricism and exactly the sort of half-assed melody you'd expect from someone with WRITER'S COCK. Merry Cob Cock Day, one and all!



Download A Cob Cock Carol (1.1 MB)

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Bonus Cob Cock Day 2012 Wallpaper!!!

Cob bless us, everyone.


Transcribed from legitimate historical texts by Hyle, Matt, and Chad.