For nearly as long as our resurrection of Cob Cock Day has been celebrated, we've had a gaping bloody wound in our holiday's side that refuses to heal. Stop putting your finger in it, please. That's just horribly unsanitary and gross. I said stop it! STOP DOUBTING, ALREADY! I won't be able to clean it out with peroxide. We've already used all of that up on our infected toes!

We, the faithful followers of the Church of Father Cob Cock, have always had a persecution complex. Rightfully so! Since the 5th Century, the Christian church has been harshing our mellow by scheduling their observance of sloppy blowjobs, St. Valentine's Day, the very minute the Festival of Lights That You Hallucinate When a Sharpened Beak Pecks You In the Eye and Gives You a Massive Concussion ends. For the better part of a millennium, we've had to put up with chalky hearts and fifty differing shades of grey intruding on our most sacred of days. Considering that Valentine's Day comes and goes (and comes again) without any Cob Cocker violently holding a city hostage like Bane (when we all know that it would be within their right), I think we've all done a remarkable job at being the bigger men and women here. Yet despite this, the spears continue to be lobbed at us.

As we first reported back in 2013, there's a War on Father Cob Cock. What started as a small, impolite objection to our frequent usage of the word "cock" (hallowed be thy name) has snowballed into a full-on assault of our values. It's gotten so bad, I can't walk out of my home in early February wearing nothing but beautiful plumage on my genitals without feeling the scornful, disdainful eyes of my neighbors. Take for example my attempt to set fire to a Scottish policeman this morning. One of the most sacred traditions of Cob Cock Day, I wasn't even allowed to so much as singe a Scotsman. By noon, I had gotten so desperate that I wasn't even concerning myself with their nationality. Dousing a police station with kerosene turned into a fruitless series of misadventures, and what do I have to show for it? Two bullets in my back and me spending the rest of the day in an elaborate disguise. My "I Hate Donkey Kong" shirt has proven to be quite effective, even with the copious amount of blood soaking through making the text somewhat illegible.

That being said, getting shot has a strange effect on a person. It allows one to put things into perspective, like "I should have really finished my Cob Cock Day article before opening up the chance that I would bleed to death". It also makes one realize that to win the War on Father Cob Cock, you've got to start locally. Being that the 37th Church of Father Cob Cock is on DK Vine, which is an establishment on the Internet, I decided taking my activism online was the most sensible (read: easiest) way to enact change. This meant making sure our contemporaries were fully welcoming of Cob Cockers and in no way prejudiced towards our faith. It also gave me the added bonus of being judgmental and feeling morally superior, which, to be honest, is the only reason I joined this religion to begin with.

I began scouring fellow Donkey Kong sites DKC Atlas and DK Girder. The former focused exclusively on Donkey Kong games in the Country series , so nary a mention of the glorious corn-a-doodle-doo from Jungle Beat. That's somewhat acceptable. I mean, they could have at least worked Cob Cock in there somewhere, but it's not really within their subject matter. One time I grew red in the face from a shouting match with a container of margarine because the face of the Virgin Mary appeared rather than "Easy V" Featherpennings (Father Cob Cock's mother, naturally), but I realized the tub of yellow goo meant no offense by the exclusion. You see, DKC Atlas? I'm a reasonable man.

As far as DK Girder goes, I wasn't expecting much. Their focus is almost exclusively on the Arcade Era (we're praying for the site administrator too), but it does expand outward into all of Donkey Kong's history. A tip of the bulbous chicken head wouldn't be entirely out of the question.

DK Girder
DK Girder

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW? Not only is Cob Cock referenced on a page of Jungle Beat translations, but they fully acknowledge his divine/DK Vine name! Well done, DK Girder. No corn cobbles shall be hurled in your face this Winter's eve!

Of course, fansites are a bit of a relic in this day and age. As the ACLU knows too well, true religious oppression now happens on pop culture Wikis! The two most relevant to the topic of Cob Cock would naturally be Donkey Kong Wiki and Super Mario Wiki. Nervously typing the first into my address bar (the bar I installed at my home address has a keyboard that I practice all of my DK Vine Features on before actually committing them to a real computer screen), I searched for Cob Cock. After an anxious five seconds of loading time, which is still better than DK Vine with this DKC3 site skin, I got my answer. Lo and behold, there it was! Gaze in wonder! Despite being a Wiki, Donkey Kong Wiki is apparently one of the "good" ones!

Donkey Kong Wiki
Donkey Kong Wiki

But what of Super Mario Wiki? We've had our issues with this progressive bastion of loose morals and even looser continuity in the past. Articles like these have made us question their trustworthiness as a resource. However, they do have some surprising moments of clarity. Their article on Hamburgers almost made me renounce my vegetarianism (but not for poultry meat, obviously)! Crossing my fingers, I ethen tyoed brrty pootlu. Uncrossing my fingers, I searched for Cob Cock. What I found... was this.

Super Mario Wiki
Super Mario Wiki

According to Super Mario Wiki, "Kobukokku" is the original Japanese name for Cob Cock. According to Super Mario Wiki, there is no official English translation. Sure, this might seem like a reasonable position to take for the pedantic wordsmiths who deemed Milli Vanilli to be essential components to their lore (it's not as if we would ever descend to such utter lunacy). However, you're not aware of the ugly history of "Kobukokku", which any self-respecting Cob Cocker considers to be the most profane of all slurs!

The term Kobukokku is not Japanese in origin. It actually has its roots in a Depression-era offshoot of the Ku Klux Klan called the Kobukokku (an archaic Greek pronunciation of Kob Kock Killers Klub), or KKKK. The KKKK were one of the earliest reactionary hate groups formed in response to the rising tide of Cob Cock Day celebrations in America. Wearing pillow cases on their heads (the down feathers having been purposely removed and trampled), the Kobukokku would ride by night to the homes of Cob Cockers and place effigies on their front lawns without burning them. As burning effigies are a vital part of the celebrations, the foremost favorite being an effigy of BBC controller Gerald Cock, these crimes scarred families and drove many well-meaning people out of the towns they once called home.

The methods of the Kobukokku have taken on new advocates in the last few years as our attempts at reviving Cob Cock Day have been met with fierce resistance online. The so-called molt-right, white nationalists with a profound hatred of all things Cock, would revive the ideology if not the branding of the KKKK. Derisively referring to practioners of the faith as "Cob Cucks", they use Super Mario Wiki as a meeting ground to hatch (no pun intended) their plots against our well-being. What proof do I have of this? Look at that Kobukokku page! WHAT MORE PROOF DO YOU NEED?

I implore all conscionable citizens of the Internet video game community to combat the vile hatred put on display by Super Mario Wiki. Their Kobukokku article is not just offensive to our theology, but it's corossive to people of all faiths that involve giant fowl beasts who perform outrageous acts of sexual deviancy. It reminds me of a poem first coined by Pastor Martin Niemoller's inbred drug addict of a neighbor:

First they came for the Cob Cockers, and I did not speak out
Because I was not a Cob Cocker.

I still thought it a bit of a shame though. Then I had lunch and took a wee nap.

Profound stuff. Stand up to Super Mario Wiki for the good of the Cock.


Hyle is still bleeding to death. Probably for the best.