Denouement


     You know the old adage, "once bitten, twice shy"? Well, if we're to follow that, I should be hundreds of times shy of the videogame industry. And you know something? I am. I'm sick and tired of dealing with all this shit. That's all we get! Shit! We've become so used to it, so jaded to the mounds of feces flung our way every day by this expansive multi-billion-dollar industry, that we don't even care. Moreover, that's how we spend our time and money. TOLERATING the ever-dwindling quality that is constantly, unwaveringly sent our way. I don't celebrate videogames like I did when I was ten. Until recently, I've smiled through clenched teeth and taken whatever's dished out. Oh, Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers. Hah hah hah. Let me make a light-hearted joke at its expense. I'm of sound mind, right? Well guess what, boys and girls? I think Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers is a FUCKING POINTLESS PIECE OF TRIPE THAT WILL MAKE ME (and the rest of the staff, who collectively owe me over $300) FOURTY DOLLARS CLOSER TO BANKRUPTCY. But I digress.... let's look at some of the individual cases of this.

     First and foremost, what started it all. Dinosaur Planet. My GOD, how I wanted this game. The mystical characters, the engaging plotline, the fact that the developers were pushing the N64 to the point of explosion.... everything about it called my name and left me chomping at the bit. Eł 2001 rolls around. Hey, whoo, it's on GAMECUBE and it's a StarFox game. Whatever. I'll deal with it. At least it's coming out on November 5th, the GAMECUBE's launch date. Right? NO! The GAMECUBE is pushed back a few weeks until November 21, and it's shoved into 2002. Hey, that's cool. At least I'll have Super Smash Bros. Melee at launch, right? NO! Super Smash Bros. Melee is catapulted to December 3rd, along with the only other launch title I wanted, Pikmin. I was stuck buying Rogue Leader on launch, a game I haven't played since December 3rd, for obvious reasons - IT IS FUCKING BORING. You beat all the levels enough times, watch enough making-of bonus videos, and you tend to get tired of a game really quickly. By the way, in November, Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers was scheduled to be released, but never was. Instead of even publicly addressing this, Nintendo and Rare let the changing of months force it off the release lists and back into the "TBA" column. So Super Smash Bros. Melee came and went, and despite self-proclaimed Nintendophiles (which is just a name for people intentionally oblivious to all this crap) claiming its greatness, it was just a game of staggering mediocrity. This next little anecdote isn't the fault of the industry by any means, but we ended up paying $60 in December because of all you people who rabidly downloaded the MP3s from us (which, as you may have guessed, is chiefly the reason we took down all but a select few MP3 pages). So with Super Smash Bros. Melee having come and gone, bitter taste more than completely filling my mouth, we move into January. Diddy Kong Pilot gets a release date of March 4th, StarFox Adventures is set for March 25. A little late, but acceptable. The game looks great. A tap on my shoulder. "Hey, Chad, check this out!" I turn my head slightly, just in time to see a huge fist knock my face to the side, the words "APRIL AT THE EARLIEST" imprinted backwards into my forehead. Not cool, Zeus. Not cool. Later, the game is delayed for hopefully (hahaha) the final time until June 10th.

     Out of nowhere, Mario Sunshine screenshots come out. This, more than anything, proves that Nintendo fans have their head so far up Miyamoto's ass that they'll kiss any nugget that escapes past their collective craniums and falls into the hands of the public. THIS. GAME. LOOKS. LIKE. SUPER. MARIO. 64. Not only that, but IT DOESN'T EVEN LOOK FUN! I don't want to play a fucking gimmick! Why can't anybody realize that the whole appeal of Mario was jumping on goombas and koopa troopas? I don't give a flying feces if some land full of blue elephant men is covered in paint. Let Luigi suck it up. That's what he's good at now anyway, right? Sucking? Sure looks that way. So anyway, March 4th comes and goes. Where's Diddy Kong Pilot? Hoh hoh, it seems Rare's pulled a Coconut Crackers on us! Those sly bastards! Oh, don't worry about that, Chad. Here's a new screenshot from Mario Sunshine, featuring a palm tree rendered on the SNES FX chip! Planet GameCube, IGN, TendoBox, Nintendojo, and the more assheaded of our readers (as evidenced by the bulletin board fodder) collectively drop to their knees as Nintendo unzips. That was foreplay, people. When Mario Sunshine comes out, prepare for all-out rape. Not to mention (so I'll mention it), the new Zelda thing looks like a load of turd, but never fear - Miyamoto has gone on record saying he'll - wait for it - CHANGE THE WAY LINK'S EYES LOOK! Trumpets sound in the background! Hate crimes against Saudi-Americans come to a staggering halt! Kathie Lee Gifford dies a horrible horrible death! LINK'S EYES HAVE CHANGED!

     Then - hang on a second - StarFox Adventures gets a final release date! JUNE TENTH! YES! YES! YE....no, no, hang on a second. That game was originally scheduled to come out November 5th. Hell, it was playable in May of 2001 at E3. What could possibly be taking them so lo--- oh, I see. I see. Ladies and gentlemen, FOX MCCLOUD IS COVERED IN FUR! No, no, Rare, go on... I don't care about actually getting to play a game as long as you can delay it for mind-boggingly arbitrary reasons if it'll take a little pressure off the backs of your programmers. They have until the end of May to ship the game to the manufacturers. Plenty of time to perfect the hideous, jutting, cobwebby "fur" that plagues Fox and Krystal like an enveloping fungal disease.

     So where does that leave us now? Personally, I'm waiting (not so) patiently for StarFox Adventures to come out. All this ceaseless crap that's been thrown our way, though, has tainted my view of the game in an irredeemable fashion - I don't care what the game is about. At this point, I just want it so I can stop bitching about how much they're fucking it up. I've actually gone on record to say that I'd rather they trash the current design and turn it into a GAMECUBE version of Spaced Penguin if it means it can be released a month earlier. As for you reading this, I'm sure you either agree wholeheartily, or wish death upon the children I'm never going to have. The latter being much more likely, hear this: It had to be said, and since nobody else was saying it, I thought I would take the liberty. It was even mildly cathartic. And before you address that hate mail and let it fly in droves, know this: I don't care what you think. These are my opinions, I know you probably disagree with them, and I'm sure to hear about it on the bulletin board for months to come. E-mail me saying how much you hate me, and I'll delete it. I probably won't even read the whole thing, and if I do, I'll forward it to Slush so the two of us can laugh at your futile attempt to maintain solace in an industry that's crumbling under your feet, paving way for a generation of children who were raised on 3D games, need Super Mario Bros. 2 dumbed down for them, and think Banjo-Kazooie is the best game ever made.

An observation by Chad McCanna