With the news of a possible sequel in development for DKU darling Diddy Kong Racing, my immediate journalistic instinct was, of course, to jump on the first plane to Tokyo, Japan (or wherever Nintendo HQ is, I can't be bothered to do any research) and see if I could land DK Vine with an EXCLUSIVE SCOOP! Read on, my readin' reader, 'cause this readin's about to get READ!

But in case any of you are skeptical of my endeavours (idiots!), I did have the decency to ensure photographic evidence. Here is me breaking into Nintendo's main building in a cunning disguise (I didn't want Hiroshi Yamauchi recognising me from that one time I put a cactus on his seat; fucker has no sense of humour):

I stole the hat from a tramp.

Still not convinced? OH, YE OF LITTLE BELIEF-IN-A-THING! How about this, then? It's a screengrab of the sophisticated Nintendo interface that I was successfully able to hack into using my 2002 IT Short Course GCSE certification from Wigan Deanery High School (I got a C!). It's an amazing system, I expect it was custom-built by King Miymoto himself to be extra-intuitive!

Probably, the Wii U was developed on this machine!

Anyway, I can sense your excitement and I say to you, calm down. Be seated. Clean the stains, relax.

During my covert operations I was able to discover a super-secret document containing not only CONFIRMATION that Diddy Kong Racing Wii U is, in fact, definitely a real game, but I also a round-up of the racers that have (so far) been 100% guaranteed for the game. My mind (and/or genitalia) was BLOWN! Especially considering that until then I had no idea I could read Japanese.

Naturally, I immediately copied the information onto the 15 floppy discs I had to hand, and am proud to present you with the exclusive information in full here at DK Vine! Here it comes!

Racer No. 5: Rodney the Hare
The next person to call this game a "hare-raising experience" gets an exhaust pipe down their gullet.
Racer No. 5: Rodney the Hare (from off of Donkey Kong 64)

Rodney's actually one of the most recognisable Donkey Kong characters over in Japan, and is felt to be approximately on a par with Mickey Mouse, Jesus and the bloke from Star Wars with the gas mask stuck on his head. With all the rights issues with Rare finally sorted out, Nintendo are giving the people what they want.

Racer No. 4: Hogwash the Flying Pig (from off of Donkey Kong Land)

Hogwash was one of the more unusual enemy characters from Rare's original helmsmanship of the DK series, owing to the fact that unlike most pigs, this pig can DRIVE! "But pigs can't drive" I hear you say. But this one can. So now you feel like a bit of an idiot for saying that don't you!

Racer No. 4: Hogwash
Big man, pig man, haha, I drive a car.

Racer No. 3: Tiki Tong Tower
Better than Wiggler, though, innit?
Racer No. 3: Tiki Tong Tower (from off of Donkey Kong Country Returns)

Evidently Retro Studios have been pressuring the dev team to ensure some of their own characters receive representation as well. Upon being asked, the choice was obvious. Tiki Tong Tower has the advantage of being both a character and a place! The speculation is that there'll be a course that requires him to race on himself. It's a kind of philosophical metaphor for... er, wanking probably.

Racer No. 2: Mr. Blobby (from off of Noel's House Party)

He's back! After years in hiding, society has seemingly forgiven Mr. Blobby for the bombings, etc. and are prepared to finally let him appear in the mascot racer he was born to ride in. As to whether he'll also be joined by his bearded '90s double-act partner Noel "Noel's House Party" Edmunds or not is up in the air, however.

Racer No. 2: Mr. Blobby

Racer No. 1: Prince Charles
I like his hat.
Racer No. 1: Prince Charles (from off of Buckingham Palace)

It's brilliant to see this taxpayer-funded genetic experiment finally pay off, and I think it's the first time I've felt a strong sense of pride in our great and noble Royals (the Royals are in charge of the entire world and not just the UK, right?). Godspeed to you Charlie! May your melting face never evaporate!

Well, there you have it, what a scoop! CHAD! HYLE! WHERE'S MY 40% PAY RISE, GOD DAMN IT!?

An "article" by Matt, who is definitely not a sarcastic dick.