Slush's Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See In DK64



In October 1998, we knew little of "Donkey Kong Country 64," as we so often called it back then. We only knew three things. That it was in development by Rareware, that it would be for the Nintendo 64, and that it would star Donkey Kong. A year later we are in frantic anticipation as a little more than a month from now the game will unleash itself unto our feeble minds. We now know several things. We also have a pretty good idea of which characters are in the game. This game is huge, however, and that could mean a great number of established characters will be making cameos or have extended roles that we have no idea about. But what characters SHOULD be in this game that we don't know if they are? Here's the top ten.




10: KAOS
Since K. Rool gets his title as king back in this game, I'm hoping we get to see him making KAOS his beotch. Or even better, KAOS could be the one to give him the title back and the two would work together side by side. Hey, maybe Dixie and Kiddy are his brain this time around! Speak of the devil....




9: Kiddy Kong
Probably the most under established "main eventer" Kong there is, Kiddy has only been in two games. The truth is, we haven't gotten to know Kiddy's personality as well as the "big three" (Donkey, Diddy, and Dixie). If Kiddy is in DK64, then that will be one step close for there to be a "big four."




8: Klubba
Easily the coolest Kremling ever. He's way more profitable than twin brother Kudgel. We know several Klubba look a likes will be in this game, unless there is only one look a like, where that will probably be Klubba. Still....Klubba rocks. If that is Klubba, I hope this doesn't mean he lost the pirate gimmick. Klubba wouldn't be the same without that gem.




7: Wizpig
At the end of Diddy Kong Racing it said "To Be Continued" and yet Rare has said they will not be making a Diddy Kong Racing 2. When asked about the promised "continuation," they commented slyly that it wouldn't have to be continued in a DKR sequel. I hope this means Wizpig can pop out of the bushes yelling "Hoohar!", only to be hit by a bus. Wizpig's little loose end really needs to be tied up, and DK64 is the right time to do it.




6: Captain Blackeye
Okay, okay. So he hasn't been introduced officially YET. However, knowing DK and the gangs' crazy history with pirate themes, he would fit right in here. Maybe he could team up with Klubba in a wild two man rendition of "Rent." The chances are Blackeye has nothing to do with Banjo-Tooie as many internet "insiders" feel. He could be introduced in this game to set up interest for a role in Twelve Tales: Conker 64. Or he could just be a new associate of the Kremlings. Either way it would be great.




5: Swanky Kong
The original Disco Inferno, Swanky Kong is the odd one of the bunch, and you have to love that. He's a great counter product to the ultra-cool Funky Kong. His Donkey Kong Country 3 target game was incredible, and his gameshow wasn't too shabby either (remember, that's where Chunky Kong was first mentioned). Swanky NEEDS to be in this game. But we deny that he's a great role model for gay pride groups, since Swanky really is straight. HONEST! This is why he needs to be in the same room as Candy (let alone the same game). To put aside all these silly rumors once and for all.




4: Wrinkly Kong
Imagine Donkey's girlfriend and mother in the same game. Now watch the b-tching begin. Hahaha! Candy and Wrinkly hopefully would hate each other, as any average mother would hate her son's "relationship fufiller." We know they mildly curse in the opening of the game, so imagine the colorful language Wrinkly would share with Candy......Bwa ha ha ha.....there goes the "E" rating.




3: Mario
That's right. One of Donkey's enemies until the end of Mario Party should definitely be in this game. DK has made cameos in tons of games that start off with "Mario" in their title. It's time the plumber type creature dug his hide into one that starts with "Donkey." We also need to see more of this interesting angle where Mario and DK are former enemies TRYING to patch things up. Of course it will end it bloodshed. But let's just play it out for now.




2: Tiptup
Oh come on, like you didn't see this one coming. The new Pee-Wee Herman has to be in this game! Rare promised we would see the small green machine in '99, and gosh darnit this will be our last chance! The coolest Diddy Kong Racer around has it all, including (thanks to puberty kicking in after DKR) a large head. Tiptup has the largest fan following of practically any DKU character, but Rare apparently hates him. After countless protests, Tiptup has been denied his own game several times. But he still makes a great supporting player!




1: Dixie Kong
She rules. No other DKU character that was introduced after the original DKC game has channeled themselves as concretely into the minds and hearts of controller mashing fans the way Dixie has. She's a role model to young ladies worldwide, teaching little girls to shove their tails up into their shirts so they won't get into their long blonde hair. She's a classic. She's Diddy's girl. She invented the helicopter hair waft for crying out loud! Even though since Rare was working on DK64 when DKC2 was being made, she was technically based on Tiny......but STILL! She will always be "larger" and "greater" to the hardcore DKU fans than any newcomer out there. Dixie for life.




Disagree with this list? Wanna argue? E-mail me and fling YOUR feces!



Chad's Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See In DK64



A long time ago, in a country far far away... There was a videogame in production. That videogame was going to be on the Ultra 64. And it was starring a rendered gorilla named Donkey Kong. Little did we know that this ape would spawn an entire universe! But he did, and we're gratious. So while a grand number of characters from that universe have been confirmed in the game, there are tons that have not. So I've sifted through them all to tell you which ones I think should. Here's the top ten.




10: Captain Blackeye
Oh, C'mon! Who wouldn't want to finally see a polygonal representation of the world's most mysterious pirate? Our good pal Blackeye is probably a bad guy, hence the pictures next to Gruntilda's in Mad Monster Mansion. K. Rool, while looking extremely king-like, seems to be repeatedly called "Kaptain K. Rool" by nintendo.com. If he is indeed a pirate in king drag, it wouldn't be so farfetched to propose a partnership between Blackeye and Rool. Or he could merely be in DK64 to set up his role in Twelve Tales: Conker 64. While the latter is most likely, either one will be acceptable.




9: Wrinkly Kong
Everybody loves Raymond! And they equally love old people! Wrinky's lived in a Refuge and a Save Cave, among several other places. Candy's been confirmed as the music person, so who will save your precious game? You don't want to be playing for three days straight, do you? Automatic saving, such as in Banjo-Kazooie wouldn't be DK-esque. We need the old fart! And then we'll dress up like boyscouts and help her halfway across a busy street. Heh heh heh.




8: Tiptup
C'mon! Sure, he's the most annoying turtle in history (with the possible exception of Leonardo), but give him a chance! He's been a supporting character in two games already! I think Rare should use him as their hardcore cameo mascot. If only he would ditch the stupid chior. God, I hate those mini-Tiptups, and their horrible barking sound. Grrr.... Oh, yes! And watch out for the Shredder! (?)




7: Wizpig
We have all completed Diddy Kong Racing, right? RIGHT? So we all know how he seemingly crashed, only to blast off in his spaceship a mere 1 minute and 27 seconds later. And then, we were shown the horrible, teeth-gnashing words, TO BE CONTINUED. Argh! But when? Maybe Wizpig shows up with an army of mosquitoes to try and give the Kongs malaria. Pork is not a verb.




6: Swanky Kong
Shut up! He's not gay! Listen. All gays live in West Hollywood, right? Swanky lives off the coast of Africa. While he doesn't publicly oogle over women, who knows what he does in the privacy of his own home! Anyway, I would like Rare to not make the Minigame thing a boring piece of turd. I want Swanky to run a carnival of sorts that contains every minigame! You go around and play the minigames in Swanky's carnival! Anyway, it's about time he got rid of that lousy sideshow. It had one game cleverly disguised as three games. But they didn't fool me! KRAAAAR!!!




5: Kiddy Kong
No one except us likes Kiddy. No one really knows about him, either. It's all the Nintendo 64's fault, too. It overshadowed DKC3's release. If Nintendo could have gotten it out a year earlier, like they said they would, this wouldn't happen. I will forever resent N64 for that...UNLESS Kiddy appears on the 3D system to make amends. We'll be able to get to know more about him than "adopted, can roll on water without girls giggling at him behind his back".




4: Winky
DK64 has a lot of animal buddies. A LOT! But Rare recently swatted down most hopes that our favorite frog (the "er" Budweiser one being the second favorite) would appear. Note, I said "most". We still expect to pop in the flamboyantly yellow cartridge on that cold November morning and see Winky hop over to us with bugs digesting inside. Perhaps the stupid French morons who make the DKC TV-Piece-Of-Crap got hungry. You know how they are with frogs. But if this is the case, I'll hate each and every French person until the day I die.




3: KAOS
Woah! This is the greatest cyborg in DKU history! That's a feat unto itself! KAOS was so cool! He had a floating head and punching bags for crying out loud! I have a stupid little theory that K. Lumsy was acting as KAOS's brain through DKL III. K. Lumsy broke out and saw what KAOS did to alter his mind to evil, so K. Rool locked him up in a big bird cage for being a pansy. So that is how KAOS (this time with a super-evil mechanical brain) could come into DK64. Or they could just toss a kitten and a warthog inside his head and auction him off to buy long-johns.




2: Squitter
Winky is my favorite animal buddy. So why is Squitter number two? Because I'm looking at things realistically. Winky just wouldn't be that big of an asset in 3-D unless he was super-shambolia with batteries included enhanced. But he's not. I can just picture Squitter in 3-D. You jump, shoot a web platform, and jump around like that. You can shoot web attacks and direct them with the control stick much like Ness's PK Thunder in Smash Bros. Ahh, yeah. Squitter rules. And Garfield can shove it, because I like this spider!




1: Dixie Kong
People! C'mon! Who cares if we have Tiny? I wasn't raised on Tiny. I grew up with the mono-hair projections of Dixie Kong. I totally agree with Slush on this. Dixie is the ultimate DKU "chick dude". And if she was in DK64, Candy and Donkey could go on a kinky double date-type thing with Diddy and Dixie. Hurrah! Cap'n Crunch cereal for all!




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