Fun With Pass A Story
The Epic Donkey Kong (Not A) Cock-And-Bull Story
Story telling. As long as there has been spoken language, there has been story telling. Some stories are enthralling, some stories are rank, and some stories inspire. We've decided to tell the ultimate story, which won't reach any one of those three. The rules? Slush writes a chapter, then Chad writes a chapter, then Slush writes a chapter, then Chad writes a chapter, etc., until the novel is complete. Neither author collaborates with the other while writing their chapter. The novel must at least START with the basic boundaries of the Donkey Kong Universe, but can be broadened as the story continues. Besides that, there are no other rules. Keep in mind that most characters appearing in this story are the property of their respective owners, and that this is entirely a piece of fan fiction, not to be taken literally at all. These events do not really take place in the Donkey Kong Universe...or the Perfect Strangers/Family Matters quasi-universe for that matter. So with that, sit back and enjoy. The time? Days after Mario Party 2 (MP2 has nothing to do with the story, it's just the time period). Here we go...
Chapter One: An Epic Beginning
All was peaceful, as usually was the case when any tale begins. Well, most tales. There are some tales that start out with pure, eccentric action. This is not one of them. The lumbering beast known as Donkey Kong lay on his bed, taking a mid-afternoon nap. It was a Thursday that day, and as any Thursday, it was the day after Wednesday. Donkey's eyes twitched with a rapid pace, as he was dreaming about generic gelatin. It was really an erratic nightmare, due to the fact that the generic gelatin was in the shape of a giant woman made of cashew. The generic gelatin cashew women dream was nothing new to Donkey, as he had been experiencing it for the last four days. During the course of every dream featuring the generic gelatin cashew woman, she would come up to him slowly in a vapid desert. He would be dying of thirst, and she would offer him a drink. Every time he would reach for the drink (a cup of Water Joe with the initials S.M.M. floating on the top), but every time she would pull out a screwdriver and stab him in the cornea. It was at that point everytime where we would wake up and scream...
"Ahhhhhh!!!!" screeched Donkey. Realizing in an instant it was a dream, he rubbed his eyes and wiped away the cold sweat that was dripping across his brow. Feeling cold air coming into his treehouse, he slowly got up and saw rain clouds coming in from the south. "There's gonna be a downpour tonight," he murmured. Oh, poor Donkey. If only you knew how right you were...
Scratching himself oh so delicately, he sat back on his bed and decided to watch some television on his flat TV. As he turned it on, he saw the cable was out. Cursing softly, he dozed off to sleep once again. It wasn't long before he was wallowing in yet another dream sequence. This time, his best friend Funky Kong and chick thing Candy Kong were by his side. They were chanting some ancient dialect Donkey couldn't understand. Suddenly their hands caught on fire. They started prancing, PRANCING I SAY, around Donkey. The generic gelatin cashew woman came out of the desert mist with the cup of Water Joe. For the first time, the generic gelatin cashew woman spoke to Donkey.
"About to turn tide it is, will see you, you see will, see you will," her voice echoed through Donkey's cranium. Donkey tried to get away as she pulled out the screwdriver, but he couldn't move. He realized that Funky and Candy had their burning hands in his back, destroying his spinal cord....
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" Donkey hollered. He felt wetness on his bed sheets. "How embarrising," he thought. "I wet myself..." Looking down, he realized it wasn't urine. It was blood.
Chapter Two: 'Donkey' is Synonymous with 'Ass'
By Chad McCanna
The thick red syrupy liquid dripped from his covers as Donkey Kong held his mouth open in shock. He tasted the gooey liquid to make sure it wasn't ketchup. It was. He gasped a sigh of relief, and got out of bed. Donkey walked over to the dresser near his bed, when something red caught his eye. He spun around and saw that his framed picture of a sailboat was red and gooey. Suddenly, Squawks flew in and dropped a hot dog bun onto Donkey's floor. The green parrot slammed into a few windows for no reason, then was off seconds later. As Donkey bent down to pick it up the shaped bread, a hot dog shot out his arse. He put the frankfurter into its respectable bun, and took a bite. It was a bit dry. Eyeing the sailboat picture, he decided to wipe some of the thick, red liquid onto the bun. Donkey Kong opened his mouth wide, bit down, and chewed his bite. Something seemed wrong, though. He gasped, realizing that this wasn't ketchup at all.
It was.... generic gelatin. Suddenly, Donkey's treehouse exploded as the gelatin cashew woman descended upon it. Donkey Kong ran into the jungle, as the generic gelatin cashew woman laughed heartily and exclaimed "I know much, And you should learn, Donkey Kong Island is going to BURN!" Donkey hid underneath a bromeliad plant, and gasped for his breath, looking somewhat like a fish. He started off towards Funky's house, because he assumed that the sunglassed ape would have some gelatin-defeating artillery. At last, he reached Funky's domicile, which was about three swallows' flights away. Ahh, that's an unladen swallow, quite obviously. Well, it was more than two laden swallows' flights. Even more, with their wings clipped. Well, if the birds were walking, and somewhat hopping towards Funky's hut, it would be several hundred flights. But that doesn't really matter, because it was three unladen flights away. So he reached Funky's house, and walked inside. Eyes adjusting to the dark, Donkey squinted to reveal his surroundings. He had never seen Funky's house before, and was interested to see the wonders it held within its reclusive walls.
Actually, there was nothing. The room was bare, save a door on the opposing wall. Donkey knocked at the door, asking politely "Funky? You there?" He opened the door, heard Funky Kong's bed softly creaking, and the gorilla himself saying "Ohh, yes, Ohh, baby." Candy being the only female gorilla on the island, Donkey became enraged and roared. Startled, Funky jumped out of his covers, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Yo, Donkey, my man, what's up?" Donkey was puzzled. "Wh...what were you just doing?" Funky looked around, as if searching for an answer. Just then, a piece of paper floated to the floor from Funky's bedsheets. Donkey immediately recognized a picture of Candy Kong. Donkey breathed a sigh of relief that Funky was not mounting his girlfriend, just pretending to.
"Funky, you wouldn't happen to have any weapons to defeat a generic gelatin cashew woman, would you?" he asked. Funky cocked his head for a moment, then knowingly nodded. "Yeah, dude, I have just the thing! Follow me..." Funky led Donkey Kong out of the house, and about half an unladen swallow's flight through the jungle. After what seemed like minutes, they came upon a toolshed. Funky reached in, and brought back an odd V-shaped stick with a piece of elastic in the middle. He picked up a rock, and placed it in the elastic, pulled back, and let go. The rock thunked on a tree and bounced off. "I call this my Hardened Earth Elastico Velocitator." Donkey Kong scratched his head, acting like the oaf he is. He grabbed the Hardened Earth Elastico Velocitator and ran all three-and-a-half swallows' flights back to where the generic gelatin cashew woman was sitting, atop his broken treehouse. Donkey Kong aimed the Hardened Earth Elastico Velocitator, pulled back, and let a rock fly. Suddenly, being uncharacteristically cowardly, Donkey turned and ran, not bothering to see the outcome of the shot. Looking over his shoulder, he saw a puddle of generic gelatin, no longer shaped like a cashew woman. He had defeated her. However, he kept running. It was time for his morning jog. Donkey Kong ran through the jungle, and stopped off for a spot of golf. He finished eighteen holes in a few minutes, being the best golfer in the world, and continued jogging, unaware of the danger that the canopy held this humid morning.
WHAP! THUD! Donkey was sprawled on his back, seeing stars. He saw a blurry, snarling figure leap from the top of a tree and move towards him as he slowly drifted into unconsciousness.
Chapter Three: He's Not Really There, Depending On Who He Is And Where There Is
Donkey lay there unconscious, with the coconut that was thrown on his head beside him on the ground. The figure swung down from the treetops and out of the shadows. It was none other than...Donkey Kong.
"Not AGAIN, that's the fourth one this week!" cried the real DK. He had been gone all day exploring the latex factory with his little buddy Diddy Kong, and was hoping he wouldn't find another mystery clone of himself running loose when he got back. Everytime he went somewhere during the last four days and came back, a clone of himself would be in his place. Donkey then saw Funky run towards him through the jungle growth.
"Whoa there, Donkey!" spoke Funky in a Vietnamese accent. Funky never spoke in a Vietnamese accent normally, it was just one of those things. You know, when you're talking and your voice comes out different for some reason, then goes back to normal once you open your mouth again. Just the usual accidental accent type of thing. "I suspected this guy wasn't you when he came to my place to ask for something to defeat a Geritol jungle cash woman, or something. The first thing that tipped me off was the way he was acting. He acted like he never saw my place before. Number two, I heard him mumering to himself under his breath that his...or your, whatever...girlfriend Candy was the only female gorilla on Donkey Kong Island. We all know that makes NO sense. Third, he was talking about a Jerry juggling kinky woman, or something. Every day for the past four days one of these mystery clones of you have been visting my place asking for something to defeat...whatever they say it is. And everytime I give them my sex toy with the elastic in it and tell them it's a Hardened Earth Elastico Velocitator. They go off and defeat the...whatever they say it is, and that's it. But of course nobody else can see this thing they see.....it's like they're living in their own fantasy world, or they're mentally unstable, or something. The thing I wish I knew is...where are these clones coming from to begin with?"
"Funky, I wish I knew. It's starting to creep me out. Well, let's dispose of this one like we did the others...." Donkey and Funky picked up the knocked out genetic duplicate of DK and carried him to the back door of a nearby Taco Bell, where the manager greeted them and obtained the clone from the duo.
"Thank you two so very much. We were running low on meat today," the manager graciously spoke, before unloading a pile of crippling diarreah right there in front of Donkey and Funky. It was a complicated moment.
As DK and Funky walked back to Funky's Flights, they saw Squawks fly overhead with a hotdog bun in his clutches. Squawks then flew into a giant hot air balloon that had the initials "S.M.M." Donkey asked Funky if he noticed Squawks had been acting strange the last few days or so. Funky replied that he always thought if parrots had the mental capacity to be homosexual, then Squawks would definitely be homosexual. It didn't answer Donkey's question to the fullest.
It was at that moment where the rain came pouring down. Funky looked at his watch. "Oh sweet sassy molassy, it wasn't supposed to start raining until 5:00 this afternoon. I had an entire day planned of trying to find a way to actually grow hamsters on trees (Funky's an inventor and idea man, remember). It's only 11:30."
"Funky...what do you mean? Diddy and I left for the latex factory at 11:00. It was around 3:45 when we left. Are you sure your watch is right?"
"Donkey, you know my watch means everything to me. To not have the correct time is to not live. To not live is to not have the correct time. Why would we as a society develop the standard way of keeping track of the passing of moments in the continium known as existance if we were going to screw it up? I'd rather feed myself to hungry, ever so hungry hippos before I had the wrong time. One time I even had a dream where an angel visited me, and that angel warned me that I was I put on this planet to be the correct timekeeper of all living things, and if I one day refused, I would be put upon another planet, possibly one that has an acidic atmosphere. Donkey....I would never have the wrong time. My body, my soul, myself...would not permit it. So what about you...maybe you had the wrong time."
"No, I just bought this new watch from K-Mart," Donkey replied. "So then.....what does this mean? How could it switch from mid-afternoon to late morning just like that? Who.....who is playing cosmic chess with us? WHO I SAY, SCREAM IF YOU WILL! WHOOOO?????"
Chapter Four: Voices of the Elderly
By Chad McCanna
Donkey and Funky were answered only by the sound of the wind whisping through the canopy. Funky looked at Donkey and shrugged his shoulders. They walked down toward the beach, which was only half a swallows' flight away. Funky wanted to show Donkey a new surfing move he had discovered, much like Christpher Columbus discovered Panama, Cuba, and one other large landform whose name escapes me for the moment.
"You float when you surf. Why do we need to go to the beach? Just do it right here," Donkey reasoned. Funky stared at him for a moment, then said "Shut up." They continued walking, until the muddy grassy jungle floor turned into sand. Well, it didn't really turn into sand. There just started to be more and more sand present as they neared the beach, you know. Funky threw his board into the air, did a sommersault onto it, and started surfing above the water. "Hey, check this out, Donkey! Whoo, I'm king of the world!" As if without warning, a Chomps breached the calm water surface and bit onto Funky, blood spurting into the air. He dragged the helpless gorilla down, and the water suddenly turned red. Donkey ran towards the waters' edge, yelling "Funky? FUNKY?" He fell to his knees, looked up, and screamed "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!".
"Hahaha, that was so cool!" Donkey angrily turned around, to see who could possibly laugh at Funky's gory death, the death of a gorilla who had meant so much to the success of the Kong clan. He was faced by none other than Diddy Kong, staring out towards the water, laughing from the safety of the jungle edge. Donkey got to his feet, brushed off the sand from his legs (because you just have to look your best for a beating, you know), and ran towards Diddy, fists clenched, teeth showing. Diddy lifted a palm frond next to him, and Funky stepped out from behind it. Donkey Kong skidded to a halt. ".....Huh? What's going on?"
"Yes! Yes, dude! My hologram generator works! I can't believe how realistic it looks!" Funky cried. Diddy chimed in. "Yeah, you had Donkey going all day! Did you see those blood effects?" Donkey scratched his head, still confused. Funky was alive. Diddy knew it all along. So.... the Funky he was talking to must have just been fake. He still didn't understand any of it. "What's going on?" he asked Funky. "You see, Donkey, that was just a hologram of..." Diddy started. "I didn't ask you!" snapped Donkey. He turned to Funky, and said, "Funky, what's going on?"
"That was just a hologram of me! Wasn't it cool?" Funky exclaimed. "So you're not really dead?" asked Donkey, who was still absorbing all of this. "No, man, I'm right here!" Donkey touched Funky, to make sure this wasn't also a hologram. It wasn't. He was still skeptical. "But... how did you make it look so real?" he asked. Funky replied, "I just messed with the polygons, or whatever you call them. Anyway, the point is, I'm not dead."
"Hey, guys! Look!" Diddy pointed behind them, just as a sickening "SQUAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!" filled the air, bouncing off the mountains of DK Island, echoing out into the ocean. Squawks flew over them, feces exploding from his anus as he went. The sun rising in the east glinted too much for them to follow his movement, so they just ran alongside the trail of bird crap. It led out into the ocean. Off in the distance, a pirate ship loomed, all too familiar for the Kongs.
"Oh, great! So I suppose the Kremlings are back now?" cried Diddy. "Oh, stop whining. I could take all those Kremlings single-handedly. Why, I could plant a barrel squarely on the side of that ship from here with my eyes closed. And it'd sink it too!" The trio turned around to see Cranky Kong walk up to them, ranting on about how he was the strongest ape ever, and how horrible these three whippersnappers were. "Yeah, that's right. You all have pitiful muscle mass. Take a look at these babies!" Cranky flexed, and kissed his absent biceps. There was a crack. His head remained to the side, still in a position to kiss his upper arm. "Aww, I think I broke my neck. No matter." He turned sideways, to be able to face the three. "Yeah, that's right, I could take that wussy K. Rool easily. After all, I did kidnap Pauline, the prettiest human woman ever. I don't know that for a fact, though, I'm just going by Mario's level of horniness when rescuing her. Of course, I haven't been to that Spiral Mountain place in the Northern Kremisphere, there may be prettier ones there, I don't care. I'm not attracted to humans anyway. I had my way with Wrinkly, bless her soul, and that's all I need. Anyway, the Kremlings are right pansies. Why, I would whup their scaly arses all the way back to their sunken..."
"Shut up, you," said Funky. "That's not a Kremling ship." As it got nearer, they were able to see the initials SMM on the sail, as Squawks flew to it. "Geez, that SMM thing is really pissing me off," said Donkey. "What do you think it means?" The three stared at each other as Cranky wandered back into the jungle, ranting about how "these young whippersnappers are always disrespecting their elders, interrupting and such".
"That still doesn't explain the sudden time change, now does it?" said Diddy. Funky looked at him. "Ahh, we're probably just confused by Daylight Savings Time or something." Donkey looked at Diddy, and Diddy returned the stare. "Uhh, no, we can't travel eight hours in time due to an hour change," said Donkey. "Well, do you have any better ideas?" asked Funky, annoyed with Donkey's insolence. Donkey rolled his eyes skyward, as if searching for an answer. "Nooo....." he said.
"Ow!" Donkey and Funky looked out at the beach, to the source of the cry. Diddy had stumbled over something in the sand. "Hey, guys! Come here, quick! You won't believe what I found!"
Chapter Five: Passion Cove
Diddy had tripped over Funky's dead carcass that had just washed up on shore.
"Whoa Funky," cried Diddy. "That hologram generator you made sure does work well. It even projects the hologram after it quote dies endquote!" It was at that point when Funky, the living version, vanished into thin air. Suddenly, the realization set in on Donkey, Diddy, and Cranky. Well, Cranky fell asleep on the beach and was having a wet dream, but he was still there, just not in mind. The real Funky was the one who they thought was the hologram that died and vice versa. Donkey ran up and kicked the saucer shaped hologram generator, which destroyed it (and broke Donkey's foot).
"HOLY CRAP! First Funky dies, and then I break my foot! Not only that, but I have clones of me running around for no reason having fantasies about gelatin women, the space-time continuum is messed up, and I can't get this caramel stain out of my tie! Why hath though forsaken me???" Donkey screamed.
"Donkey, God hasn't forsaken you...." Diddy spoke softly.
"God? No, I was talking about the caramel company dipshit!!!! Now, we have business to attend to. We have to either bury Funky's carcass or see what's up with that pirate ship out to sea. What should we do first?"
"Well, Cranky can bury Funky when he wakes up. Let's go check out the pirate ship. I've got a bad feeling about this...."
"Why do you say that, little buddy?"
"Because. It was a Chomps shark that killed Funky. We haven't seen a Chomps since Crocodile Isle was destroyed....the first time, that is."
"Good point. We better get movi.....HOLY FIGGIN' BUCKWHEAT BALLS!!!! LOOK OUT DIDDY!!!!!!"
Diddy looked up, he looked down, he looked all around.....and then he looked up again. Above him was a spacecraft, but not just any spacecraft. Well...yes it was. It was just any spacecraft. A beam of light came flashing down on the eager teenage monkey, and he slowly lifted up towards it's warm, gaping wide cavity on it's bottomside. Like an idiot, Donkey ran after Diddy and jumped into the beam of light, carrying him up as well. Once they were both inside the vessel, the cavity closed and it immediatly took off into lightspeed, and within moments left our solar system.
Meanwhile, Cranky continued his dream of getting pounded by five young, beautiful women. Suddenly however, the women dissapeared, and the location of his dream changed from the inside of a urine soaked motel room to a scorching desert. There was plenty of moisture though in the thick mist that covered the ground, which Cranky noted as strange. He saw a woman that appeared to be made of generic gelatin with the body of a cashew step into view, with a cup of Water Joe in her hand. Cranky needed the drink, so he reached out for it. However, both Funky and Candy Kong came out of nowhere to prance and chant around him, their hands flaming like a Hawaiian Torch (keeps the Hawaiian Frankenstein away!). The generic gelatin woman pulled out a screwdriver, and as Cranky realized something horrible was about to happen, he also realized he couldn't move an inch. Funky and Candy's hands were in his back, destroying his spine. Cranky tried to scream, but as the screwdriver went into his cornea, the last thing he heard was "I'm doing this for you, dearie...." Cranky never woke up from the dream. It was so intense and terrifying, he had had a heart attack.
Meanwhile, both Donkey and Diddy were being put in seperate hibernation cacoons by an unseen creature. The hibernation cacoons would keep them unconcious yet nutritionally fufilled until the creature's partners were ready to run tests on them and obtain samples of their sperm. The creature, who was the only one in the cacoon chamber at the time, stared at the thousands of lifeforms trapped in the green pods. Most were each from a sepeate planet. Each had their own story to tell, their own individual background. It didn't matter to the Greys though. Sometimes he wondered why he even made that deal with the Greys back in the 1970's. It seemed so fufilling for the first few years, but now it was just seemed cold and heartless. The creature shed a tear, and got out his guitar. He began to play and sing the first few verses of "Heartbreak Hotel." He thought he heard the Greys walking down the corridor outside of the cacoon chamber, so he quickly put his instrument away. It just wasn't easy anymore to be Elvis Presley....
Chapter Six: Flight of the Navigator
By Chad McCanna
Donkey and Diddy were staring in bewilderment at the human before them. He was the "Elvis" person that they had seen on television. After he finished playing a tune, he walked away. Donkey looked at Diddy, who was also in one of the cacoons. Suddenly, the green liquid started seeping out of their pods. It stuck to their fur and was a mess to clean up. After a few hours of struggling with the tangles in their fur, the duo looked up into their own reflections.
They were staring into the reflective surfaces of two oval-shaped black eyes. Two of the grey aliens were here. Donkey hopped out of his cacoon, keeping an eye on the greys, and tipped over Diddy's cacoon so he could get out. "Please, do not be afraid," one of them said. Diddy stepped forward. "You speak English? But how..."
The other grey spoke up. "Oh, that's an interesting story, really, it is. You see, we were hapless island creatures on our home planet, Suckanutalot. One day, a crate of televisions washed up onto our shore from one of the more civilized landmasses, and we taught ourselves rudimentary English (which happened to also be the primary language of Suckanutalot). Our culture developed based on the teachings of the television. Our species is known as Kong, according to our TV. My name is Donkey, and this is my associate, Diddy."
"No, those are our names. You can't have them!" Donkey yelled in angst. "Oh yeah?" challenged one of the Greys. "We'll fight you for them!" Donkey and Diddy Kong took off their purple robes and advanced on Donkey and Diddy Kong. Donkey backed up, and charged at Diddy. He began punching until the hapless fellow was a bloody pulp. Donkey, enraged, took out his ray gun and pointed it at Diddy. Donkey Kong roared and leapt onto Donkey Kong's back. Diddy ran up and stole Donkey's ray gun, and trembling, pointed it at Donkey Kong. The two Donkeys tumbled, as Diddy tried to aim at Donkey, making sure not to shoot Donkey Kong. He closed his eyes, winced, and squeezed the trigger.
But at the same time, a far less interesting story was developing in Donkey Kong Island's own Spiral Mountain. "Come on, Banjo, we'll miss the barbecue!" Banjo Bear grumbled and glared at Tooty, who was barking orders at her older brother as if she were Hitler. Well, okay, she wasn't exactly like Hitler. But she was at least barking orders like Fidel Castro. "Hold on, I'm coming, I'm coming," said Banjo.
"Don't forget the hamburger buns, and give us back Elián González, you American piece of crap," said Tooty. Banjo recited Tooty's instructions as he got the items. "Hamburger buns," he said, as he grabbed the buns. "Elián González," Banjo said, searching for a second, before stopping. "Tooty, what was the last thing you said?" Tooty stuck her impatient little head in the house and said,"Pepsi. Mumbo asked for Pepsi." Banjo went to the refrigerator, got some Pepsi Cola, and the two left the house. Kazooie was already helping Mumbo with the barbecue.
All their barbecues took place on the giant granite rock which had crushed Gruntilda. They would laugh at her as she cursed at them from below. Today, as Banjo rounded Spiral Mountain, he heard her already yelling at Mumbo.
"Get off of me with that barbecue pit.
I'm talking to you, you peice of dog..."
Banjo's eyes fell over the firey grill, which was covered in a blackened mass of red feathers and Kazooie's body. "MUMBO! NO!! HOW COULD YOU COOK KAZOOIE? YOU BASTARD, GUH-HUH, I'LL KILL YOU!"
Banjo ran at Mumbo, and started beating him with a two-liter bottle of Pepsi. From behind one of the nearby Quarries, Banjo heard a high-pitched squawky chuckle. He looked toward the rocky area as Kazooie stepped out, rolling on the dirt, laughing. Mumbo tossed Banjo off of him and glared at Kazooie. "Why bird no tell joke sooner? Mumbo's head hurt," he said. Kazooie looked at him and said "Well, Mumbo, it's because I hate you. But that's beside the point. We fooled Banjo with this rubber chickentm and Red Feathers©," Kazooie explained.
All of a sudden, a huge silvery light streaked across the sky, and plummeted into Banjo's garden, squashing (no pun intended) Bawl, Topper, and Colliwobble, who were playing a game of strip poker. As the dust cleared, two beings stepped out of the wreckage. The four Spiral Mountainians gasped at their visitors from the sky.
Chapter Seven: The Colossus Eventuses
"FORMER ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT CO-HOST AND CURRENT MUSICIAN JOHN TESH....AND HOST OF THE LONG RUNNING DAYTIME PBS CHILDRENS SERIES MISTER ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD FRED ROGERS!!!" Tooty squealed with delight at the two men who stepped out of the debris of their airplane. That delight slowly turned to a sickening horror. "OH NO! FORMER ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT CO-HOST AND CURRENT MUSICIAN JOHN TESH....AND HOST OF THE LONG RUNNING DAYTIME PBS CHILDRENS SERIES MISTER ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD FRED ROGERS!!!" Tooty took off towards the rocky cliffs to get climb her way out of the Sprial Mountain area; and Banjo, Kazooie, and Mumbo quickly followed.
"Wait neighbors! Come back!" cried Fred Rogers.
"Would you like to hear a piano solo?" asked John Tesh as both men chased after the two bears, breegull, and mystery species.
"JOHN TESH PIANO SOLO? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" bellowed Mumbo as he made a machine gun appear using voodoo and quickly shot the two beloved celebrities. Blood spurted from their spleens as they dropped to the ground.
With his last dying breath, John Tesh whispered, "Tell Mary Hart....she's a bitc..." John Tesh couldn't finish his sentence. Both men were deceased. As the four made their way back to where the dead bodies lay, suddenly each corpse's skin melted off as sparks flew from their craniums. They appeared to be nothing but robots. John Tesh and Fred Rogers robots. Not cyborgs. Robots. Artificial Intelligence. Al Gore. Robots. Robots that had phony blood in their spleens. Nothing more. Nothing less.
"That was odd, even more than Skull Boy," Kazooie chimed in. As the grounp peered down at the metallic structures, they read in small letters on the duo's necks "S.M.M.".....
While to the back of the mean, Diddy Kong was spitting on Donkey Kong's limp body. The monkey was proud that he was able to shoot the Grey Donkey Kong and not the gorilla. Donkey was panting on the ground, but he slowly got up. The Grey Diddy Kong was conspicuous by his absence.
"Come on Diddy, let's find a way out of this place," Donkey huffed. He realized though that there was no merit in his words, as they were in a spaceship, and would die if they stepped out of it while in the vacuum of space. Suddenly the Grey Diddy Kong leaped out of the shadows with a giant letter opener.
"You want to get freaky? I'll make you my promdates, you hineyholes! Prepare to meet the ultimate pain of the darkness of the passage of life unto its self....um......BWAAAAHHHH!!!!" the Grey screamed as he charged at the primate pair. Out of nowhere Elvis came running with his guitar, smashing it over Diddy the Grey's head.
"Looks like I just recorded my latest hit!" Elvis chuckled with a witty charm. "Now then, you two look all shook up. I've never encountered talking animers before. What's your two stories?"
Donkey and Diddy spoke with Elvis for nearly thirty minutes, telling him their backstories, filling him in on their previous adventures, and the chaos that had erupted during the course of the day. Elvis then decided to fill them in on his story. He told the tale of an overweight singing superstar, who was addicted to painkillers and peanut butter and banana sandwiches. He illustrated vocally how he was abducted by the Greys one night while sitting on the crapper. They claimed that they had abducted him several times as a child, more than any other humanoid in fact. They had actually grown to be fond of him, which was unusual as they rarely had any compassion for any creature other then each other. The Greys asked him to aid them in their breeding project, where they would either extract the sperm of a man or the egg of a female human and put it with the sex cell of a Grey, creating hybrids. Elvis figured it was the only way he could get away from his drug addiction and weight problem, so he agreed. They left a dummy Elvis body in the bathroom, so his girlfriend and the media would think he had died. But he was alive. He then told how he was miserable as of late, not agreeing with the practices of the Greys, wanting a way out. When they brought Donkey and Diddy aboard, Elvis decided to do something, to CHANGE something. He tampered with their cacoons so they would awaken before the Greys started to experiment on them and extract sperm. He wouldn't let it happen again.
"Mr. Elvis sir, those two Greys had the exact same names as us, and had a similiar backhistory. Can you explain?" asked Diddy.
"Well, there's one thing you should know. Well, more than one thing. You see, the Greys do come from a different planet, the planet they call Suckanutalot. But Suckanutalot isn't in this dimension. You may find this amazing, but there are several other dimensions out ther.."
"Yes, yes, WE KNOW...." sighed Donkey.
"Well, alrighty then you hairy little daddys you. But as it turns out, the planet of Suckanutalot is the parallel of the planet Earth. The Greys must have come from the parallel of your island. From my undestanding these last couple of decades living on this ship, some dimensions are exact parallels of others. The Greys come from the parallel of our dimension, the dimension we're in right now. They've mastered the art of interdimension travel by creating artificial wormholes via their spaceships."
"AMAZING," gasped Diddy. "The future is here!"
"Yes, well," stammered Elvis. "We're in a bit of a pickle here. Donkey Kong the Grey is dead, and Diddy Kong the Grey is knocked cold. The high priest of this ship is named Tiptup (the Grey), and he's currently on the bridge of the ship. What we need to do is make our way down to the hull of the ship where the ray weapons are stored, take them to the bridge which is on the other side of the ship, defeat Tiptup and his command team, and then pilot this ship home. The only problems are that this ship is crawling with Greys, so we'll have to find disguises for you. And we will probably get into many fights along the way with Greys, and the chances of survival are slim. Plus, I have no idea how to pilot the ship. Well then, let's get moving!" As Elvis began to look for disguises for the dynamic duo, Donkey and Diddy just looked at each other and sighed.
Back on the beach of Donkey Kong Island, the pirate ship reached the shore. Slowly a figure stepped off of it and onto the beach, walking softly on the white sand. The figure stared at the dead bodies of Funky and Cranky Kong, and felt a cold chill run down its spine. She was there...it was the work of her. The figure picked up the dead bodies and carried them back to its ship. Moments later the ship sailed off, not leaving a trace behind.
All the while, another clone of Donkey Kong slept frantically in DK's treehouse. The generic gelatin cashew woman stepped out of the fog and offered the clone DK a cup of Water Joe. She pulled out a screwdriver and stuck it in his cornea. He woke up in a hurry screaming. But even though he was awake, the generic gelatin cashew woman was still before him, this time hovering above the bed. She screamed, "IT IS TIME....WELCOME TO THE COLOSSUS EVENTUSES!!!!!!!" With that, the sky turned red and a giant image of a skull hung over the skies of Donkey Kong Island. It began to mouth the words, "Time....to....die," again and again. The image of the generic gelatin cashew woman snapped out of the clone's brain, but the sky was still red and the skull was still there. He ran out of the treehouse screaming, all the way into the jungle. Thinking he was the real Donkey, he decided he would hide in his watchhouse for awhile, so the generic gelatin cashew woman wouldn't be able to find him. He ran and he ran until he reached it. As he climbed a tree and jumped onto the porch, he looked through the door and moaned in displeasure at the person standing in the corner.
"Oh NO!!! For the love of God no! Anyone but YOU....."
Chapter Eight: Elvis Pulls His Weight
By Chad McCanna
The character was concealed in the shadows, lying in Donkey's hammok, cleaning his fingernails with a Bowie knife. The Donkey Kong clone said, "Ahh, I'm going to see if Cranky is all right..." He turned to run out the doorway, and suddenly felt a sharp pain in his right hand. He tried to move it, but that made the pain worse. Donkey bellowed.
"Change of plans..." The figure stood up. It was a human, wearing an Indiana Jones-style hat, with a jacket and gun holster. He was no longer holding the knife. The Donkey Kong clone looked at his hand, which was pinned to the wall, a Bowie knife going through it. The clone struggled to get free, but the knife was in the wood of the house almost to the handle. The man reached into his coat and pulled out a rod. He pressed a button on it, and a ten-inch-long spike came out the end. He advanced on the clone, pointing the stiletto at him. The clone, looking over his shoulder, screamed and struggled harder with his hand.
There was a popping sound, then a ripping sound, then a disgusting splatter. Startled, the man looked up only to see the clone's severed arm hanging limply from where the knife pinned it to the wall. He ran to the porch of the watchhouse and looked down. There was no clone running around screaming. Suddenly, the man felt something grab his hand. He looked over his shoulder to see the clone, who had been hiding around the corner. The clone had the stiletto.
The man started to jump off the porch, but the clone tripped him. The man tumbled twenty feet down, and thudded on the ground. He was badly hurt, but still moving. The clone leapt out to the tree across the way, and climbed down, stiletto in mouth. The man started to get up, but the clone kicked him, breaking his back. The man glared at the one-armed clone, and said, "You may win this time, but sooner or later, your species will be no more. You all will perish. You cannot stop us."
The Donkey Kong clone roared, and jabbed the stiletto into the man's cornea, peircing his brain. He knew it was the only way to kill him. With his only present arm, he flipped the corpse over, and looked at his neck. The intials SMM were tatooed in dark black letters. Suddenly, they began to fade, and were gone. The clone breathed a sigh of relief and dropped the stiletto. He was becoming woozy. The blood loss was getting to him. He toppled over, and died in a puddle of blood.
Just then, something crashed through the jungle plants into the clearing. Tires screeched to a halt. The Taco Bell employees cheered to see that they had gotten here before the meat spoiled. They loaded the clone into their truck, as one of them climbed the tree to get the arm from the treehouse. "Yeah, Fred, bring the jacket guy too. He looks like prime Fajita Chalupa Meat. Yeah, just put some nacho cheese sauce on him, oooh, baby!"
The men loaded the unaccomplished bodies into the truck, and left, leaving only tire tracks and a puddle of blood, without corpses. It looked like an Arkansas roadkill scene. Had the clone lived, he might have been able to stop the generic gelatin cashew woman. The skull over Donkey Kong Island continued to bellow, "TIME...TO...DIE!!!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Donkey helped Diddy into his transmogrophying suit. The King of Rock and Roll watched as they zipped up their suits. Well, you couldn't really call it a suit. They looked more like cardboard boxes with heads and feet. Diddy, who was a bit too short for his, glared at Elvis. "Yeah, we'll realy blend in with these. Ohh, hoh, that was a brilliant idea," he quipped. Elvis looked at Diddy and said, "Naw, little monkey, ya just gotta think of what ya wanna look like, then you'll change into it."
Diddy looked at Donkey. "You go first," he said. Donkey Kong shrugged, and clenched his eyes, thinking hard. He changed form instantly. Diddy and Elvis gasped.
Donkey looked at his new form, and was embarassed. "I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never, ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay-Puft..." Diddy looked at Donkey's puffy white body and was confused. "What are you talking about? Nothing is going to destroy u..." Donkey interrupted, "We used to roast Stay-Puft marshmallows, by the fire at Camp Waconda!"
Diddy glared at him. "Geez, Donkey. Just think of the gray alien guys." As he said it, he changed into one of the greys. Donkey did the same, and Mr. Presley followed suit. They walked down the hall, ready for whatever would happen during their fight for freedom.
Chapter Nine: Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame
Disguised as Greys; the trio of Donkey, Diddy, and Elvis casually strolled down the hallways; making the long journey to the hull of the ship. Passing many Greys, they tried to not be too conspicious. Donkey then said loudly, "Gee, I sure hope these Greys don't find out we're really imposters wearing transmogrophying suits," ruining the idea of not being too conspicious. Luckily, the Greys were too involved in their own little worlds to actually notice.
"Mr. Elvis sir," Diddy whispered, "I have a bad feeling we're going to get caught. If only the gun I shot the Grey Donkey with had more ammo in it, then we wouldn't have to make this weapons journey." The trio then passed a door with a metal sign above it that read, "DO NOT COME IN, AND IF YOU DO COME IN, AT LEAST WE WARNED YOU. WARNED YOU ABOUT WHAT? COMING IN, OF COURSE. COMING IN THIS ROOM WITHOUT WARNING SOMEONE BEFOREHAND ABOUT COMING IN WOULD BE SLOPPY ON OUR PART, BUT WE'VE DONE OUR PART, SO YOU VERY WELL CAN'T COMPLAIN." It was a large sign. It also piked Diddy's interest. "Mr. Elvis sir, what's in there that's so forbidden?"
"Well, my hunka hunka chunky monkey, that's....Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame. It's a holographic room that recreates some of your most shameful acts for you...and places you in them! Not only that, but the events have been spruced up to add a little bit of the Reverend Jerry Falwell flavor. The Greys have placed many creatures through it to test their brainwave patterns and how they act during their lowest moments. Now that my long explanation is over, let's move on and forget about that certain room."
"I know we're in a life or death situation here....but it's not like you can enter Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame any old day. I can't pass th oppurtunity up!" squealed Diddy. He pressed the large, neon button for the door to the room to open, and he leaped inside. Donkey tried to go after him, but the door shut in his face and it locked (seeing as how it was occupied).
Diddy found himself in a high-chair. It appeared as if the transmogrophying suit was off, or at least, off in this memory of his the room was creating. He was a small baby eating lunch with his mother, which Diddy found incredible. Suddenly he found himself accidently kicking his mother's glass of milk, sending the milk pouring over the edge of the table onto the floor. Diddy's mother gasped, "DIDDY! You should be ashamed of yourself!"
Out of nowhere Jerry Falwell ran in, picked up the empty glass off the table, and screamed, "THIS HOMOSEXUAL GLASS IS MOCKING ME, TRYING TO MAKE ME QUEER!" He tossed the glass against the wall.
In an instant Diddy was somewhere else. He looked at himself. He must have been older than five at this point, but younger than ten. Looking beside himself, he saw Timber the tiger with an NES controller in his hand. It was then he realized he was playing the old Nintendo system with Timber during one of his family's vacations to Tiger Island. They were playing what appeared to be the game Tetris. Diddy was losing horribly. Before he knew it, all of his blocks were stacked to the top, and Timber had won. "Hahaha, Diddy! That's the worst I've ever seen anybody do at Tetris! You should be ashamed of yourself!" laughed Timber.
Out of nowhere Jerry Falwell ran in, yanked the Tetris cartridge out of the system, and screamed, "THIS HOMOSEXUAL SATANIC VIDEO CART IS WRECKING TODAY'S YOUTH, TRYING TO MAKE THEM QUEER WITH THEIR PURPLE AND PINK BLOCKS!" He stuck the cartridge in between his buttcheeks and crushed it with force.
Instantly Diddy was elsewhere again. This time he appeared to be only slightly younger than his normal age, and was standing in the middle of a storm at night. Looking at his location, it appeared to be in front of Donkey's banana hoard cave. He heard rustling in the bushes, and felt something breathing on his neck. It was a Kremling. They tossed him in a barrel, muttered some sort of "curse," and then one quietly said, "that monkey should be ashamed of himself."
Out of nowhere Jerry Falwell ran in, picked up one of the bananas from the hoard, and screamed, "THIS HOMOSEXUAL FRUIT CANDY IS TURNING PEOPLE QUEER WITH IT'S SATANIC SHAPE!" He shoved the banana so far into his ear it was no longer visable.
Diddy gasped for air as the door to Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame opened. The fantasies were over, and he was back on the spaceship in his transmogrophying suit. Donkey and Elvis helped him get back to his feet.
"Diddy, that was a very stupid thing to do, " lectured Donkey. "You should be ashamed of yourself."
"I know...I know...I've never felt so ashamed in all my life. I'm just so ashamed...and due to that, so depressed. BUT WHAT DO YOU KNOW DONKEY? I HAPPEN TO KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU SUPPORT GAY BONDAGE!"
Donkey and Elvis just stared at the monkey. "C'mon, little monka," Elvis finally spoke. "We've gotta get to the hull of the ship." Little did any of the three know that Diddy's trip through Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame had scarred him mentally...and prove to be one of their biggest obstacles in their adventure. However, it wouldn't come into play too much. At least, yet....
Chapter Ten: A Steaming Pile of Ship
By Chad McCanna
Donkey and Diddy continued to look like greys. Not that they ever stopped looking like greys, except the one brief instant in which Donkey looked like Mr. Staypuft, the Marshmallow Man. And the combined total of over 45 years in which they looked like apes.
Elvis continued to look fat.
The three made their way from Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame as they reached the ship's weapons deck. To pass the time, Elvis had been retelling the story about a recurring dream he was having while on board the spaceship. He was a floating red skull. There was a little red squashed cylinder which was hitting him repeatedly. Every time it got stuck in his clavicle he would yell "MUAHAHAHA!" and shoot it out, and every time it went in his jawbone, he would yell "TWO MILLION POINTS!" Diddy tried to tell Elvis to shut up, but Elvis continued. "Yeah, little munkah, big gurulla, one time that hunka hunka meltin' red cylinder got in my mouth three times in a row, and I shouted out 'NINE MILLION BONUS!'". Diddy once again told him to shut up, and this time he complied.
They got to the weapons' deck and Donkey busted the door open with his big, black, reflective eyeball. "Okay, Diddy, we've got an atom reorganizer, some AK-47 Alien Edition Pistol Shooting Guns, oh, another atom reorganizer, some frying pans, a Back-in-time Gun, a Portable Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame Ray, and the entire cast of FOX's failed early-nineties sitcom, 'Get a Life'," Donkey said. Diddy replied, "Donkey, why do you always talk to me? You haven't said a word to Elvis this entire trip! I'm not the only one here, you know. Anyway, just grab three frying pans and let's go to the ship's hull."
The other greys were becoming more and more abundant as they neared the hull of the spaceship. It was also becoming harder and harder to blend in, as Elvis started to wear the frying pan on his head. Donkey assumed that Elvis's elevated blood-alcohol level was unapparent earlier, as it had over the years gathered in one spot of his system. Now, though, as natural blood circulation brought the alcohol to his brain, Elvis became quite intoxicated. "Donkey, don't be stupid," Diddy chimed in. Donkey stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. Elvis had started a conga line with some of the other greys. "DIDDY! You read my thoughts! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!" Donkey swung his frying pan at Diddy, only to hear the metallic clang from Diddy's frying pan.
The two fenced with their pans for what seemed like ninety-two seconds. And it was. They finally stopped after Diddy jabbed at Donkey, missed, and stabbed Elvis Presley right in the cornea. Diddy gasped, and knelt by Elvis's side, looking genuinely concerned. "I'm so sorry, Elvis. I didn't mean to stab you with my frying pan," the Monkey-who-looked-like-a-Grey said through tears. Elvis tried to speak, but wasn't able to finish his sentence. "Tell Mary Hart she's a bitc....." and with that he drifted into death.
"Pity Elvis's last words were an impression of John Tesh the Robot," Diddy said. "Wasn't even a very good one at that." He then shrugged off Elvis's death. The other greys, who had just realized that Diddy and Donkey were intruders, began to pull their Automatic Waffle Irons on the apes, but Donkey made quick work with his Frying Pan and in a matter of hours, the hostile greys in the hull of the ship were nothing but a pile of pulp and huge eyes.
Diddy and Donkey continued through the hull of the ship after discarding their transmogrifying suits. The only grey on the ship was Tiptup, the grey overlord, so there wasn't really a need to be in disguise any more. They finally came upon the Grey Alien named Tiptup. He took one look at the two, and said, "Huh-ey!" Then he turned into a cardboard box. He discarded the box-like transmogrifying suit, and Diddy and Donkey stared at the goofily grinning face of Tiptup... the turtle.
Chapter Eleven: The Plot Hole
"TIPTUP!" Diddy shouted! "You mean....you're Tiptup? I mean, of course you're Tiptup, but you're THIS Tiptup?"
"No. Actually, I'm a woman." Suddenly Tiptup the turtle shedded his costume and revealed himself to be a woman.
Out of nowhere a latino woman appeared and said, "OHMYGOD, you're a woman?"
"No. Actually, I'm a horse," Tiptup replied as she shed her woman costume to reveal herself to be a male horse.
"OHMYGOD, you're a horse?" asked the latino woman.
"No. Actually, I'm a broom," Tiptup answered as he shed his horse costume and revealed himself to be a broom. The broom fell over. The latino woman then exploded. Confetti suddenly fell from the ceiling as several Walt Disney clones ran in dressed in Nazi uniforms. They all held hands, and morphed into the woman from the Old Navy commercials. Looking at Donkey and Diddy, they began to chant in unison.
"MAGIC, THESE OLD NAVY CAPRI KHAKI CARGO PANTS ARE SIMPLY FABULOUS. MAGIC, THESE OLD NAVY CAPRI KHAKI CARGO PANTS ARE SIMPLY FABULOUS. MAGIC, THESE OLD NAVY CAPRI KHAKI CARGO PANTS ARE SIMPLY FABULOUS...."
"Diddy...uh....what's going....um....what is....hmm....Donkey all confused..." stammered DK.
"You're not the only one, Donkey. Nothing is making sense. And I mean....Donkey, look at your hand!" As soon as Diddy finished his sentence, the bigger Kong looked down to see his hands were turning into giant blades made out of licorice. Both Kongs' transmogrifying suits had mysteriously dissapeared as well. Without warning, their surroundings changed as well. Instead of being in the sterile steel-like environment of a spaceship, they were in a boxing ring. A giant housefly was dressed as the ref, and both Kongs were in opposite corners in trunks and had gloves on. DK's licorice blade hands were replaced by cans of Crystal Pepsi underneath his gloves, and Diddy's nostils were replaced by two small portals to the inside of Roger Ebert's scrotum. Just as the bell rung to apparently start the fight, a giant hole appeared in the middle of the ring and swallowed DK, Diddy, and the giant housefly referee whole.
The trio fell for literally hours. It got to the point where they were convinced they were falling down a bottomless pit, and they'd fall until the day the died. Obviously bored, they started to chat.
"So...you're a fly, right?" asked a curious Diddy.
"Bzzzzt....that is correct.....bzzzzt," the fly responded. "My name...bzzzzt...is S'Larik Delmonte, but my friends call me Slick Monty.....bzzzzt. I'm a referee for the World Boxing Union, and let me just say I consider it a privilege to meet the world's most famous two fighters, Donkey and Diddy Kong. Your match tonight was predicted to do huge Pay Per View buyrates, and was considered by most to be the fight of all time. Then for some reason, right as round one starts, a giant hole opens up in the middle of the ring and we fall into a bottomless pit."
"Uh...Slick Monty...Diddy and I aren't boxers," Donkey cut in. "I don't know what you're talking about..."
"Of course you two are fighters! You're the best fighters on the planet Garth!"
"The planet Garth? Wait a minute, you must be an alien. Donkey and I come from the planet Earth. We've run into a couple of other versions of us....alien versions....recently, so there must have been another pair, and we got confused for them somehow. Tell me Slick Monty, where is the planet Garth located?" asked Diddy.
"In the Milky Way Galaxy, in a 9 planet solar system, between the planets Venus and Mars," revealed Slick Monty.
"But...that's where our planet Earth is located," cried Diddy. "Wait, is it possible that Donkey and I could have slipped into another dimension, your dimension? A dimension where there is a planet Garth instead of Earth, and the two of us are prize fighters?"
"I, I assume that's a possibility....bzzzt," answered Slick Monty. "I always thought multiple dimensions were science fiction though."
"No, they're not. Trust me," chimed in DK. "In fact, we were just on a spaceship that came from another dimension. Tell me though Monty, if you're a fly, where are your wings?"
"It's a long story. Basically, it goes something like this. I wasn't always a lowly referee. At one time, I served as the right-hand man for the president of the most presitigious kiwi distributer in the entire world. My job was to destroy the major crops of other fruits, so there would be a higher ratio of kiwis over other fruits. However, one day the right-hand man for the president of the most prestigious mango distributer in the entire world snuck into our kiwi growing facility while I was sleeping on the job. He destroyed all of our kiwis, and we lost our entire income for that growing season. My boss, the president who's name is the Green One, was furious at me. He ripped off my wings and said he would keep them above his fireplace, and that I'd never get them back. Then I was fired and banished to the desert for all time. The only jobs I could get involved boxing, gambling, or homo-erotic tiger taming. So I became a referee."
Right after he finished his tale of woe, the trio reached the end of the pit and landed on the group of several Old Navy ladies, breaking their falls (and the Old Navy ladies' necks). Looking up, the two apes realized they were back in the spaceship, but something wasn't right. The walls were moving around with a melting effect, and the blue color on the floor looked like it was swirling as if a whirlpool. Suddeny to the surprise of Diddy Kong, Elvis ran into the room.
"MR. ELVIS, YOU'RE ALIVE!" shouted Diddy with glee. "I thought I had accidently killed you!"
"No, little monkey. That wasn't really me. Well, it was. But the events never really happened. Let me see if I can explain this. Do you know what a wormhole is?"
"A tear in the fabric of time and space, correct?" answered Slick Monty. "By the way, my name is S'Larik Delmonte, but you may call me Slick Monty."
"Your a hunka hunka giant fly," Elvis said. "But you're also correct. Yes, a wormhole is a tear in the time and space continium. Here on the ship we've always called them Plot Holes, because the normal rules of reality no longer apply once you've entered one, so it's like several mistakes in the plot of a story. Diddy and Donkey, this ship accidently entered a Plot Hole right after Diddy left Jerry Falwell's Room of Shame. The inaccuracies started small, such as the fact that we were trying to reach the hull of the ship where Tiptup was even though the hull of the ship was originally where the weapons were stored. I was also no longer in my transmogrifying suit, but nobody seemed to care or notice because the effects of the skewered reality seemed normal while in the Plot Hole at the time. Then Diddy accidently killed me of course, but luckily that event was erased by the Plot Hole. Now the effects are getting out of hand. Holes are opening up to other dimensions, things are turning into different objects, and so on. Now here's the real serious part. This ship wasn't designed to take such a beating. The random shifts in time and space are tearing apart the complex alien circuitry. The ship is being destroyed by the Plot Hole, and we don't have much longer, as you can tell from the shifting walls and floor. Any second now we could be swept off to another dimension as well, which is what we're hoping for, as we'll die if we stay here. However, we've all got to join hands, otherwise we may be swept of to seperate dimensions. If that does happen, and the ship gets destroyed before a portal opens back up or another time continuim shift occurs, we'll no longer have a common ground, and we'll lose connection with the Plot Hole...and each other...forever."
With that, the four men all joined hands (and Crystal Pepsi cans). After a minute or two, a portal swept over them and they were tossed violently elsewhere in time and space, returning their normal features to their bodies.. Seconds later, the spaceship was destroyed in the wormhole, killing everyone left on board. The group of four were then hurled out of the portal as they landed hard on concrete pavement, knocking them out.
When they awoke, it was night. Diddy was the first to rise, followed by Slick Monty. They both nudged DK and Elvis to get up, and they did. Holding their aching heads, they looked around to see where they would be stuck for the rest of eternity. Donkey was the first to recognize the building they had been tossed behind by the portal.
"It's...it's....," stammered DK.
"I don't believe it," gasped Diddy as he caught on.
"What, where are we?" asked Elvis. Monty asked in a similar way.
"It's Arnold's Drive-Thru....from the television show Happy Days," choked Donkey. A motorcycle pulled up to the building, and it was the Fonz. He got off his Hog and entered Arnold's.
"I don't believe it," Diddy panicked. "For the rest of our lives....WE'RE STUCK IN THE HAPPY DAYS UNIVERSE!"
Chapter Twelve: Clash of the Titans
By Chad McCanna
"Sweet sassy molassy, I'm home! It's the fifties, baby!", cried Elvis with fattening glee.
Slick Monty looked at the doors to the Arnold's Diner, a hungry look in his eight-hundred eyes. "Bzzzzzzerm, perhaps we should go inside," he exclaimed, rapidly doing that hand moving thing flies do when they see food. "Come on, Diddy and Donkey Kong, let us feast!"
Finally, having been given some instruction, the two reluctant apes dashed into the restaraunt, Elvis and Slick Monty hot on their heels. They were a bit taken aback by all the people yelling "Sit on it!" to one another, but soon found a niche. Diddy walked over to a freckled redhead at a table, and said "Er.. sit on it!" The fellow jumped up, and yelled, "Heey, Richie, why does this monkey talk?" Another significantly less abnormal-looking redhead turned around and said "Be quiet, Ralph. I'm looking for Fonzie. I need to tell him about what I saw last night."
Diddy didn't like being completely ignored like this, so he deicded to eavesdrop with Donkey and Elvis. Slick Monty had attacked the kitchen.
Just then, the entrance to Arnold's Diner from the restrooms burst inward, as the one known as Arthur Fonzarelli strutted in. He stared at Diddy for a second, snapped his fingers, and soon two girls in poodle skirts were hanging on to the astonished monkey. Fonzie spied the significantly less abnormal-looking redhead, and made a beeline towards him.
"Aaaay, Richie! What's goin' on? I was combing my hair for the ladies, and then I remembered that I was so rudely interrupted by your call. This'd better be good," he said. Richie looked at the Fonz worridly, and said "Fonz... I saw aliens." Fonzarelli started laughing, until Richie glared. "Sit on it, Fonzie! I swear, I saw an alien! He said he came from the planet Ork, and that he would challenge the coolest human to a duel. If they win, he won't destory the Earth. But if he wins, he will, for some reason."
Fonzie, Richie, Arnold, Al, Potsie, Abnormal-Looking Redhead, Diddy, Mr. Cunningham, Donkey Kong, Elvis, Joanie, Diddy's newfound human girlfriends, and Slick Monty whirled around to see an incredibly hairy man in a red jumpsuit with a silver V stitched on walk in (and quite awkwardly, at that). "Fonzie! Look! Fonz! Fonzarelli! There! That's the alien I saw!" Fonzie began to stare down the alien, who jumped back.
"Whoa... hoh.... ah... hoh... ah.. whoa.. eh... eh... heh... ooo....", the alien said, while jumping around maniacally. He finally stopped, and uttered a semi-comprehesible sentence. "I am Mork from Ork. I will challenge the bravest human to a duel. And that would be.... YOU!", he shouted, pointing directly at Donkey. The gorilla stepped back for a second, and quickly pointed at Elvis. Mork moved his gaze to the washed-up singer and began to advance. Elvis spouted out "Hunka hunka fly!", pointing at Slick Monty in the kitchen. Slick Monty must have pointed at Arnold, because a thick Japanese accent yelled "AHTHUH FONZUH-RELLY!" from behind the doors. And this was who Mork walked to.
A duel ensued, in which Fonzie and Mork alternately fixed and broke a juke box until it was decided that the Fonz was the winner. He snapped, and Diddy's human ladyfriends ran to him. Mork sulked out of the diner into the parking lot, and Diddy followed.
"Hey.. uh... Mork? Where are you going?" Mork glanced at him, and said, "Oh, a talking monkey, I see. Oh yes, interesting, yes." He went into a sort of trance then, for no apparent reason. Mork began to shout, "CALLING ORSON! CALLING ORSON! MORK REPORTING FROM EARTH! OPEN PORTAL, ORSON!"
Diddy, thinking Donkey could get some nifty Polaroids of this crazy man with the camera he keeps in his arse fur, called Elvis, Slick Monty, and Donkey to the parking lot. Slick Monty opened his segmented eyes widely, and shouted "BZZZ, DIDDY! LOOK OU....."
All four were sucked into a wormhole, which branched off of Mork's, which was taking him to Ork. Donkey glared at Diddy. "Great, Diddy. Just great. We were all happy with living in the fifties, but nooo. Now we have to travel through another stupid wormhole to some unknown place and time." Elvis looked at Donkey, pulled up the legs of his pants, and shouted "Hey, hunka hunka gorilla, LOOK AT MY BLUE SUEDE SHOES!"
Donkey sighed deeply, and looked out at the stars through the semi-transparent walls of the wormhole. "It's going to be a looong trans-dimensional spaceflight."
Chapter Thirteen: Crisis at Nick At Nite!
"What the Hell was that?" cried Ron Howard as he shut off his television. "That's not the way the Mork from Ork episode went! I don't even remember filming an episode like that! I can't believe those bastards at Nick At Nite. First they decide to make 'I Love Lucy: The Special Edition,' and now they're redoing classic episodes of Happy Days without the permission of Gary Marshall, or the star of the show! Oh, they're not going to get away with this. There will be no more talking apes on my classic TV anymore! I'm calling the one man who can help me."
The telephone rang as Ted McGinley raced out of the shower to pick it up. "Hello, this is Ted McGinley, from Happy Days and Married...With Children fame. How may I service you on this fine nigh..."
"McGinley! Cut the crap! It's Howard. Ron Howard. I know we barely know each other, having been on Happy Days at seperate times. But even if you moved to Milwaukee to teach classes after Richie and Ralph were drafted, we're still Happy Days blood brothers. They did tell you about the blood transfusion they performed on you when you were sleeping eight months ago, didn't they?"
"Wh-what?" stammered McGinley.
"Nothing. It's not important right now. What is important is what Nick At Nite is doing to Happy Days. They're redoing the episodes without the permission from us! You remember the Mork from Ork episode, which introduced Mork? Well guess what? They've added a fat Elvis, a human fly, and two apes! Plus there was some cliffhanger at the end with the mentioned oddities being sucked into a tunnel of weird! I mean, as an award winning director, I'm ashamed to be associated with something so mind numbingly bad!"
"You've got to be pulling my leg, Howard! Those slimeballs at Viacom (the parent company of Nickelodeon, MTV, etc.) won't mess with my famed television heritage! Quick! We must call Nick At Nite right away, or all will be lost. What's next? Joanie Doesn't Love Chachi? Laverne and Shirley eat children? Richie goes bald? I won't have it! Put me on hold Ron, and call Nick At Nite! I'd do it myself, but we all know of my disorder..."
"What disorder is that, McGinley?" pondered Ron Howard aloud.
"You know. The secret one. With the inflamed nipples of rage..."
"Oh, right. Say no more. Okay, let me just put you on hold so I can call a nameless Nick At Nite executive," Howard replied. Having the number on speed dial, he quickly got hold of somebody on the other line. "Hello, Mr. Classic Televison Executive Jackass. This is Ron Howard. Don't sh-t your pants yet. If you play by my rules, I'm not going to use my Hollywood prestige to send a fatal lightning bolt your way, oh no. Just listen up, you jackass, and everything will be hunky dorey. Got it?"
"Mr. Howard, please get a grip," stated the Nick At Nite Execute as a matter of factly. "I presume you're calling in opposition of the episode of Happy Days we just aired. We've already gotten a death threat from Marion Ross, so please don't start with us. The truth is, we have no idea what happened. As a standard procedure, we always check our tapes before airing them, in case they're damaged or anything. When we checked it this afternoon, it was the original version with Mork from Ork defeating Fonzie in a battle of cool versus alien wizadry, and then it was all revealed to be a dream, only afterwards it was revealed that it really happened, with Mork releasing Fonzie from his possesion. Nobody was in the building today that could have switched or changed the episode, either. Something incredibly odd happened, and it was something that we can't explain, but that we didn't do."
"First of all Mr. Bunny Banger," scoffed Howard, "how many commas are you going to use in your sentence? Your vocal patterns didn't permit any semicolons, and if I quoted you in text form it would be quite implausible from a literary standpoint. No matter. It's not that I don't believe your story. It's just that you're obviously a fist f--king Boy Scout reject. You better not mess with any more Happy Days episodes, or I'll stick my boot so far up your ass..."
"Hold it, Howard!" cried the Executive. "Now, surely even you must know that many strange things have happened across the world today. This pseudo-Happy Days episode is only one of many. For example, you must have noticed that today has lasted for 49 hours so far, due to the fact that, for whatever reason, we keep shifting back and forth through the hours. Something is literally wrong with time, and being a television executive, it makes it extremely hard to know when to air the correct shows. I happen to have CNN on right now, and it's all they're covering right now. Scientists around the globe have no explanation for it. Another strange occurance is that satellite pictures have shown that the sky is an odd red tint, even at night, above an area off the west coast of Africa. Religious groups are saying that this is Doomsday, but why would the Armageddon bring changes in our classic TV lineup? It's just not adding up. There's some weird muhumbo going on, I'll tell you that much."
"You've got a point for a man who obviously sodomizes children," sighed Howard. "Well, I guess then there's nothing I can do but forget about Happy Days and just write the script for my Apollo 13 prequel. It's calld Apollo 13 0: Apollo 12. You want to hear about it?"
The Nick At Nite Executive had already hung up.
As Ron Howard took Ted McGinley off of hold and discovered that nobody was on the other line anymore, Candy Kong was pacing back and forth in her small tent on Donkey Kong Island. After not seeing Donkey all day, and then finally seeing both him and Diddy on Happy Days, she knew something was up. As she looked up in the night sky and saw that it was still red, in addition to having a giant image of a skull hovering there, she felt a chill run down her back. All was not right. Not right at all. As she finally decided to get some sleep and hope that everything would at least be explained in the morning, she didn't notice the dust cloud in the distance with the letters "S.M.M." in the center. As the jungle winds blew it into nothingness, and the crickets chirped into the night, the air was filled with uncertainty on Donkey Kong Island and the rest of the world.
Chapter Fourteen: Significant Reverbations
By Chad McCanna
Donkey awoke with a start. He stretched his neck a bit, and glanced at his surroundings. It looked just like the Kongo Jungle! The lumbering gorilla whirled around. "Hey, Diddy! We're home!"
He was answered with the soft southern cursing of the King of Rock and Roll. S'Larik del Monte and Elvis were here, but Diddy was no where to be found. Donkey shouted into the foggy underbrush for Diddy, coaxing no reply. By this point, Slick Monty had noticed Donkey's relative comfort with the area, and inquired about it.
"Zzzzzzo, Donkey, this is where you live? Seems a bit odd, wouldn't you say?"
"Shut up, freakfly! Help me find Diddy!", Donkey retaliated frustratedly. Elvis walked up to comfort the bewildered gorilla. "Hey, guhrilla-rilla, you want some Lipton's Brisk Iced Tea? It's the only tea with the mouth-freshening taste of copper (II) peroxide!"
Donkey accepted the Lipton's Brisk Iced Tea, and drank down each molecule of peroxdidicity as if it were his last. While tilted backward, his head (or eyes, more specifically) noticed something odd above the bulk of the island. A glowing red skull seemed to be screaming the initially creepy but ultimately mundane phrase, "TIME TO DIE!" Donkey shrugged it off as a common occurance, though it wasn't. He's stupid that way.
"Hey, Montyfly, you think that wormhole dumped us off at Donkey's planet?" Elvis asked Slick Monty. He replied, "Well, sir, I'm not quite sure BZZZZZ what happened, but that seems like the only logical explanation." He then proceeded to rub his hands together and eat from a pile of dog feces that was laying nearby. Elvis noticed Donkey running into the jungle from the corner of his eye.
"Donkey, hubba, where are you goingabouts?" he inquired, trying to ignore Slick Monty's rather dusgusting display of alternately eating and vomiting canine dung. "Maybe my girlfriend Candy knows where Diddy is! Follow me if you like, just don't get lost," Donkey replied before disappearing into the dew-covered foliage. Mr. Presley snatched the disease-ridden boxing referee from his snack, and raced after Donkey. Eventually, they came to a wooden house with that Daytime Discovery Channel-esque feminine charm to it. The wood had drapes.
Donkey knocked the front door, and got no reply. That was unlike Candy. She was usually trusting to a fault when it came to strangers knocking at her door. So trusting, in fact, that Donky was slowly discovering that something was amiss, though he conciously didn't care. Donkey at long last busted down the door, and let his eyes adjust to the darknes within.
Donkey roared in terror when he saw what awaited. Actually, it was less terror and more confusion. Most apes don't roar when confused, but most apes don't wear ties and talk either, mind you. Two massive eight-legged gastropods stared directly at him from inside. "Why, hello, Donkey," one said. eerily. "Welcome to Octopi Planet! OOOGELDYGOOBLEDOOOGLE!"
Chapter Fifteen: Imagine There's No Heaven, See as if You Tried...
Donkey slammed the door in disgust. Disgust over the sheer stupidity of the place they wound up at. As improbable as it would be for them to actually find their way home via a trip through the second wormhole, he did have hope that it would be the case. That hope was shattered once he saw octopi standing there, talking to him. Damn octopi? How ridiculous could you get? They could have landed on a nearly identical planet full of milkshakes or caramel apples, but instead they landed on Octopi Planet. A dimension where Earth never was, and Octopi Planet was instead. Just then a million thoughts entered Donkey's head, thoughts that would normally have no place in the slow-witted ape's grey matter. Was there a Jesus on Octopi Planet as there was Earth? Was Jesus an octopus? If so, what did the cross look like, having so many arms to nail down? If this was a planet ruled by octopi, were they the only species? If so, would two apes, a human, and a wingless giant fly be murdered out of fear? Donkey thought of all the possible hate crimes that could be commited against his colleagues and him, and suddenly a rage filled his blood. He hated the octopi behind the closed door. They were no doubt mocking him, and all of his beliefs. Those bastards....
"Prepare to die, blowholes!" yelled DK as he busted the door down with a devastating kick. Overcome with madness, Donkey leaped into the air, taking both octopi down with a double spear. Bashing both of their large craniums into the floor, Donkey was practically foaming by the mouth by this point, shouting anti-octopi slogans that he had picked up during his 1987 fishing trip to Mars, which was all just a dream, but nonetheless signifigant in Donkey's life. By the time the great ape was finished, the two creatures were laying in a fetal position, blood and ink oozing from their fallen shapes. Donkey's two partners in interdimensional travel stared at him in partial shock, partial horror from behind. Realizing he had just got temporarily insane, Donkey got up, brushed himself up, and stepped out of the house. Something suddenly struck him as odd, and he turned around to ask a question to the fallen octopi. "Hey now, how did you know my name? And why did you say welcome to Octopi Planet if you didn't know we weren't from Octopi Planet?"
The octopus laying on the left struggled to open his eyes, and was barely able to speak his reply. "We're....physic....octopi....we know everything about you just from....reading....your....mind. Hey....remember that time when you were 16 and your parents caught you in the bathroom...."
Donkey leaped once more of the octopi, stepping firmly on his large head, knocking it out cold. "Well guys, I guess we better explore this planet to search for Diddy," groaned the great ape. As he stepped out of the wooden house, he turned his head and stared at it. "I should have realized this wasn't my Earth. That doesn't really resemble where Candy lives. Sigh....Candy. I haven't seen her since before Diddy and I left to explore the latex factory. It's times like these when you realize how much you really do care for the people you love. I wonder what she's doing right now...."
Back on Earth, Candy Kong tiredly awakened after a night's slumber. She wasn't sure how long night actually was, but she was pretty certain that it was currently morning, despite how many times time itself "shifted" while she slept. After going through her morning routine of getting dressed, eating breakfast, etc., the young female gorilla stepped out to get her morning edition of The Congo Gazette. The major headlines all included the chaos with the timestream, the phenomenon above the skies of Donkey Kong Island, and local celebrities Donkey and Diddy appearing on Happy Days. Candy threw the paper on the floor, too nervous about Donkey's whereabouts to read on anymore. She quickly raced out of her home and made her way towards Donkey's treehouse, hoping that she would find him there drunk off of his rocker, at the very least. What she didn't notice, and wouldn't have been concerned with to boot, was the Entertainment section of the newspaper that slid out when she tossed it to the ground. The headline read, "Celebrities Are Found To Be Missing," with the byline, "Search parties sent out for John Tesh, Fred Rogers, and now Ted McGinley."
Candy jogged through the jungle at a speed she hadn't gone since she was being chased by that panda that smoked cigars made out of wicker. She passed some construction workers, who were more then happy to hoot and holler at her bouncing breasts. Finally reaching the treehouse, she climbed up the stairs and entered the door, to find Donkey in bed tossing and turning. A sigh of relief exited from Candy's body, as she rushed over to her boyfriend. Little did she know that this was yet another clone of DK, who was experiencing yet another dream about the generic gelatin cashew woman. In the clone Donkey's dream, the cashew woman was offering him a cup of Water Joe as Funky and Candy were chanting and prancing around him. With sudden force, Candy and Funky began to destroy his spinal cord as the generic gelatin cashew woman pulled out a screwdriver and stabbed the clone in his cornea.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!" bellowed Donkey the clone. He tried to determine whether what he just experienced was a dream or not, but when he saw Candy sitting on his bed before him, he filled with rage. Candy, his lover and soulmate, and Funky, his best friend, had betrayed him. They destroyed his spinal cord as this new foe of the generic gelatin cashew woman blinded him with a screwdriver! How could Candy have participated in his crippling. A blind anger overtook him, as he sat up and grabbed the female Kong by her upper arms. "You little BITCH," barked the clone. "You want to turn your back on me? Well this is what I think of you!"
Clone Donkey lifted Candy up off of the bed, and tossed her a great distance, right out the door of the treehouse to the ground below. Before she hit, she said a silent prayer that she wouldn't be harmed. She must have got God's answering machine, because her head was the first thing to hit the hard ground of the jungle, bending her neck at a violent angle, killing her instantly. Up in the treehouse, the clone Donkey realized he wasn't crippled and that it was a dream after all. With a sickening realization of what he had just did, he slowly edged towards the door to see where Candy had landed. As he bent over to look out, he felt the slimey yet nutty feel of someone's hands touch his back. It was the generic gelatin cashew woman, only visable in the clone's mind.
"SOON, THE COLOSSUS EVENTUSES WILL BE BE COMPLETE, AND IT'S PURPOSE WILL BE REVEALED!!!!!!!" shrieked the evil non-brand name JELLO nut lady. With that, she was gone, but not before pushing the clone DK out of the treehouse himself, falling into the waiting net of a mysterious man wearing a fedora, a jacket, and a gun holster....
Funky slowly opened his eyes to find himself handcuffed to a grey wall. In fact, the entire room he was in was nothing but grey. He didn't even know if it was a room, as it seemed to stretch on forever, sans for the wall he was handcuffed to. The last thing he remembered was getting eaten by a shark, and then blackness. Was he dead? He seemed to be convinced that he was, because he sure didn't feel like he did when he was living. He had a more disconnected, yet greater, sensation in his body than he ever had before. Where was he though, if he in fact was dead? He pondered if it was Heaven, but dismissed that notion after realizing once again he was handcuffed. Could he have gone into Hell? He didn't believe so, because it wasn't as awful as it sounded if that was the case. Perhaps it was Purgatory, the state of limbo where the Catholic Church believes you go to be judged after death. Before he got to any other religions though, the letters "S.M.M." appeared in flames before him, and out of those flames stepped a person that shocked poor deceased Funky. His hands were covered in blood, and a grin spread across his face from ear to ear. He looked exactly like him, and yet clearly had more sinister intentions.
"Who...who are you?" a very nervous Funky asked.
"I'm your worst nightmare," laughed the Funky lookalike, "but you may call me Master of Clichés." Master of Clichés laughed some more as he wiped the blood of off his hands onto the chest of Funky.
"Where am I?" demanded Funky in a, well, a very demanding voice. "Heaven, Hell, Miscellanious?"
"Oh, I'm afraid you're nowhere near any specific location in the afterlife. You see, my associates and I snagged your spirit before the Grim Reaper had a chance to reach you. One of my associates is out retrieving a soul as we speak, and I believe it's someone you know quite well. She's the one you call Candy Kong..."
"Candy? You mean Candy's....Candy's.....Candy's dead too? No! It can't be so! I can't believe this is happening? Who are you people? What is your purpose?"
"I'm afraid that will have to remain a mystery for the moment. Rest assured though, we are particularly interested in the soul of you and your friend Candy. I'm glad you finally awoke, by the way. I know us snagging you and all into our plane of existence took a lot out of your spirit, but I was getting frustrated not being able to taunt you and all."
"I understand," sheepishly replied Funky. "You know, for somebody named Master of Clichés, you sure don't use a lot of clichés."
"Hey, I can't help what my parents named me! You're name is Funky, and I would say that's a lot worse than Master of Clichés."
"Whatever," sighed Funky as he wondered what the Hell was going on. Or what the "nowhere near any specific location in the afterlife" was going on, for that matter.
MORE CHAPTERS COMING SOON!