DK Vine Does the 2011 E³ Nintendo Press Conference

Follow along with Hyle "Slush" Russell, Charles "Chad" McCanna, and Mark "Carlos" Mencia as they watch Nintendo's E³ Press Conference and comment in an uproarious fashion. Hopefully the comments will provide enough context for you to keep your place. Each of the four pieces (courtesy IGN) will end with the corresponding text box. Let the Great Timewaste commence!



Chad
Man‚ so much fist-pumping

Hyle
That's a good sign.
Like Jersey Shore.
This conference is going to be full of gorillas

Chad
I wonder if Dixie got a spray-tan
Or, conversely, if Snookie had a vestigial tail surgically removed at birth

Hyle
She could always be tucking it under her shirt.
We'll know for sure if she helicopter spins in season three.

Mark
Of Kinect Sports, or Jersey Shore?

Chad
Two minutes out! My nipples are hard!
And I'm lactating just a little bit.

Mark
Hot.

Hyle
Be sure to take a picture so I can trace it as Krystal porn.

Chad
Next time I have to take a massive shit, I'll be sure to work it in.

Hyle
Just as a bit into my soy burger. Thanks man.

Chad
Fun fact: My shit also contains high quantities of lysine!

Hyle
I bet Reggie is about to take a steaming Fils Aime all over us

Chad
Pfft. They're late with the conference. That's just like... whatever ethnicity Reggie is.

Hyle
He probably had to work late at his other job. You know. 7-Eleven.
OOH

Chad
Zing-o!

Hyle
What, is he going to do this conference from a cave?
I'll stop now.
He's a great guy, and Islam is a wonderful religion.
All glory to the one true Prophet.

Chad
So will John Boehner and Joe Biden be positioned over his shoulders for this?

Mark
All glory to the Hypnotoad!

Chad
I wonder what the decorum is for applause from the Justices of the Supreme Court

Hyle
If I were there, I'd interrupt all of his statements with "YOU LIE!"

Chad
Check out those graphics!
That has to be at least eight whole bits worth

Hyle
Oh great. We can see how little the series has evolved since 1998.

Chad
Not pictured: The amazing, intensely original storylines featured in every Zelda game

Hyle
The orchestra is going to get distracted trying to figure out the timeline.

Mark
Hahah.

Chad
My 3D isn't working

Hyle
That's because you're only watching with one eye.
Really. Put your penis away. This is only Zelda.

Chad
Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have worn the pirate costume today

Hyle
Mine was better.

Chad
Dick.

Hyle
25 years of virginity!

Chad
But oh, the memories of pushing little buttons
Totally worth not going inside a lady

Hyle
Hey, it's the 17th anniversary of Donkey Kong Country!
Here comes the Great Satan.
"Oh my"

Chad
I hope he conducts music with Wiimotes again

Hyle
This is like watching Hercules In New York

Mark
Know what also brings back memories? DINOSAUR PLANET.

Chad
Miyamoto needs to fight a bear in Central Park
Check out this translator... Link's obviously not the only one getting helped by a fairy

Hyle
I was about to make a joke about your wedding.
Hah. That's what Miyamoto's wife said

Chad
Please tell me this is going somewhere
Maybe an impromptu Back in Black jam session?

Hyle
FREEBIRD!

Chad
Thank you very mucho, Mister Roboto

Mark
Bohemian Rhapsody.
Come on, they have the orchestra there for a reason.

Hyle
Link's Awakening,but I'm falling asleep.

Chad
The Ocarina of Time, but I'm … falling… asleep.....
Dammit.

Mark
The Minish Cap, but...but...something about gangsters?

Chad
The game nobody paid for, now available for FREE! What a bargain!

Hyle
Skyward Sword? More like Skyward BORED
Am I right?

Chad
You've been sitting on that for five minutes now

Hyle
You know me too well.
It's called masturbation.
Your fans know it well

Chad
That was a minigame cut from Twilight Princess.

Hyle
Because I need a new yacht

Chad
choke the cuccoo

Hyle
I wonder if it's coming to Libya.

Chad
Ghadaffi's a huge Zelda fan. Except those shitty cel-shaded ones

Hyle
Does it come on vinyl? It's got such a warmer sound.

Chad
This is like five minutes of presentation PACKED into twenty minutes.

Hyle
Oh fuck this. I'm buying Miyamoto a Rosetta Stone

Chad
Learn the language, you dumb Mexican!

Hyle
I don't know. I just don't find the Zelda characters fresh enough for today.
How about The Legend Of Celery Monster?
Oh. That's Rare's new game, isn't it?

Chad
He fights the evil Pizza Man Lord
It's, according to modern Internet terminology, EPIC.

Hyle
And that's it for the press conference. See you next year!




Chad
Hahaha, he walks out to Ben Folds
Should have been that song about getting an abortion

Hyle
They wrote a song about the GameCube?

Chad
Yeah, it was called Brick.

Hyle
Oh yeah.
That's what I always suggest
At the Bunny Ranch

Chad
Most gamers actually like a wider appeal. Sometimes a deeper game can just hurt
What is this, F-Zero?

Mark
Kid Icarus! A game everyone loves despite not remembering that the original was hard as FUCK.

Chad
Luigi's Mansion. Well, nothing's gonna top that.

Hyle
Terrorist fist jab time.

Chad
Don't worry guys, I'm sure they're saving Donkey Kong land Returns for the very end

Hyle
I want a new drug. One that doesn't make me sick.

Chad
One that don't keep you up at night?

Hyle
Ghostbusters!

Chad
Or make you feel three feet thick?

Hyle
And Diddy Kong

Chad
Two diversions?

Hyle
Well, from 1991 to 2003

Mark
Did they have to keep the Scooby voice?

Hyle
Where's Diddy Kong? I hope these people literally die.

Mark
Diddy's not going to be in this. That'd be a dream come true.

Hyle
It's called CHRISTMAS Reggie

Chad
They really broke the bank on that title
MARIO KART

Hyle
Gentlemen... unzip your pants.

Chad
In a new twist, Krystal appears in full burqua

Hyle
Group play? Like a key party?
Those always end in tears.
"Pull out Fox! You're not doing any good back there."

Chad
"I need help! Come up my rear!"

Hyle
No... you always put the Mario game in the package. I never asked for those games.

Chad
Look how FAST he's moving!
My heart is racing

Hyle
Irritating jumps and shoddy hit control! I can't wait to get my hands on this so I can throw it across the room in frustration.
I'm not going to play it Reggie
Give it up.

Chad
THIS year?!

Hyle
No, I was satisfied because you gave me Donkey Kong Country Returns.

Chad
More like Kid Icarus upCHUCKING!!
Right, guys?

Hyle
I'm sure this is completely faithful to Greek myth

Chad
Man, I love when they do voice acting in games.
It always works perfectly

Hyle
They should get a big-budget voice cast like CGI movies.
Mike Myers as Medusa!

Chad
Eddie Murphy IS Greek Goddess Palutina!

Hyle
Kevin Sorbo IS Hercules!
Oh, wait.
Wow! I can play with digital CARDS?
What will they think of next.

Chad
No, real cards with digital shit ON them!

Hyle
The first brother of video games?

Chad
First Brother of videogames? Barack Obama?

Hyle
Wasn't that Mike Tyson?
Hah, you win




Mark
Can we consider this a tech demo like the original game?

Hyle
More like a tech dem-oh-no!
You can quote me on that.

Chad
That's some fine-ass headline writing, sir.

Hyle
So... a sequel to Luigi's Mansion, but not Grabbed by the Ghoulies.
There is no God

Mark
Hahahah. I thought the same thing.

Chad
Luigi's gonna be in a world of shit if they don't repeal the Estate Tax

Hyle
Come on Banjo-Kazooie 3-D!
Cave Story: The Hedi Fleiss story.

Chad
Pac Man AND Galaga?!?

Hyle
Snake Eater: The Monica Lewinsky story

Chad
Be still, my beting heart
beating

Hyle
It's Monday night. Time for Headlines!

Chad
Hahahaha
Finally, YouPorn in 3D!

Hyle
Why are the nightclub sex videos always the top rated for the day? It doesn't make any sense.

Mark
I prefer Xvideos.

Chad
I refuse to believe Dancing Bear is a real thing
Christ, Bang Bus is more believable

Hyle
Donkey Kong!
Oh fuck

Chad
You're ahead of me by about ten seconds

Hyle
Ebony and Ivory.

Chad
Let's sync our Hulu streams. One, Two, Tap

Hyle
Do we have to wait for Jeremy to compose a song? Because this won't be done until the fall.
Just kidding. Love you Jeremy!

Chad
Enough with the Pokemon games, Nintendo. Let's get into genetic engineering already

Hyle
Or launch Nintendog Fighting

Chad
They have Michael Vick on retainer.

Hyle
Not mentioned: The invisible location tracker in every update.

Chad
Donkey Kong!
Aw, shit.

Hyle
Sabreman Stampede!

Chad
Streem will now be heard as Stream.
OooooOOOOoooh.
Coming soon! Nintendo Yuu
.......Holy shit, it's actually Nintendo U.

Hyle
More like P.U.

Chad
Wii U is just a party console. Everybody knows that

Hyle
Hahaha

Chad
Sounds like Donkey Kong in there!
Ah god dammit

Hyle
Ken Griffey Jr's Winning Run!
Two sides. One light, one dark.

Chad
Picross! YES! FUCK YES!

Hyle
I see Nintendo is pushing the graphical envelope once again.

Chad
That controller totally weighs 15 pounds.
That's not me

Hyle
Kill the people responsible for this!

Chad
Racial sensitivity!
Video sex!

Mark
I'm so sold on the Video Sex.

Hyle
Unless the Mayans have their say.
You won't have to humiliate yourself by revealing that you're playing Barbie Fashion Designer.




Chad
Backrub compatible?

Mark
Or We Dance.

Hyle
Short people. Fat people. Shiny happy people.

Chad
I don't want anybody seeing whether I put on an extra 183 pounds

Hyle
L and R buttons? THE FUTURE IS HERE!

Chad
Holy SHIT!

Hyle
A Fleshlight!

Chad
They're remaking Wild Wild West starring Link
Just check out that giant spider

Hyle
Just answer me this: Can I finally fuck a Toad?

Mark
Not a portable?
I could've sworn I heard the complete opposite in 1995.

Hyle
They should include a head strap, just in case.

Chad
Yeah, as long as there's a foam rubber casing to block light
Strong Bond your Family! Only in Nevada

Hyle
Can I take a home pregnancy test?

Chad
Just piss right on the system

Hyle
Because the urine isn't coming off of my Wii controller.
Hooked on phonics worked for him.

Chad
Wow, we are so in sync. I wish I could quit you.

Hyle
I thought we were so backstreet boys.

Chad
Eh, I think of us as New Kids more than anything

Mark
It's getting 98 degrees in here.

Hyle
Something something O Town
I don't care about system specs.

Chad
Wow - an interview in TEXT form!

Hyle
I want DIXIE KONG
This is because we dropped two bombs on their country, isn't it?
This is their revenge.

Chad
Smash Bros coming.
One game for the price of two!
WOW!

Hyle
Stop and Swop 2012
They would save a lot of time if they just stayed on stage.

Chad
Welcome back, Reggie!

Hyle
This is so inefficient.
They should wear roller skates.

Chad
So much for Japanese ingenuity

Hyle
Like a '50s diner.

Chad
Yeah, but then they'd expect us to tip them.

Hyle
You know Miyamoto wants to be cool like the Fonz.
It's Parry!
Parry the Parallel Bird!
Holy shit!

Mark
PARRY: THE GAME.

Hyle
Cranky's Dojo is in the background!
Oh my God! Donkey Kong Country 3-D!
Lake Oragntuanga!
Dixie is inside that flower!
Whoa! Bitesize!
This is fantastic!
It makes an excellent coaster.

Chad
Parry and Chomps Jr. Wii U will be incredible

Hyle
A bit clunky name though

Chad
Well it's just a working title

Hyle
Chase Me?
Rape Me

Mark
Chase Mii. Nice.
Rape me, my friend...
I'm not the only one, yeah...

Chad
A SPUNK shooter!

Hyle
Lou Grant hates spunk.
LEGO? OH YEAH!

Chad
The Wii U is gonna make it after aaaaaaall!

Hyle
Romance. Thrills. Chills.

Chad
Grand Theft Brick

Hyle
I love how Reggie sounds so stoked about the Lego Game.

Chad
Take Satoru Iwata's word for it! Let's get him out ehre!

Hyle
Eurodouches agree: The Wii U can play video games.

Chad
I'm always looking for new experiences in bed

Hyle
Batman Arkham City? The Dark Knight Flaccid

Chad
Starring Adam West and Cesar Romero!

Hyle
More like Peter North and Ron Jeremy.
That's our fourth porn reference so far.

Mark
That may be the new bed experience Chad's looking for!

Chad
As long as Sasha Grey gets her due

Mark
Fifth!

Hyle
So. Mario Kart and Smash Bros.
My boner has ripped my pants.

Chad
And maybe Star Fox?

Hyle
It's Star Fox 64, so unless they retconned Krystal in there...

Chad
She moves stock, what can I say?
Someone needs to break out a laser pointer

Hyle
This presentation is seriously lacking in Venn Diagrams.

Chad
RE-SPON-DEENG

Hyle
What's happening hot stuff?
Hey! It's a middle aged man!
This is the guy who sold me my used car.
FOOOOTBAAAAWL!

Mark
Nintendo, your celebrity power's unimpressive. Sony got Kobe Bryant. Microsoft got Ice T.

Hyle
FROOOOSTBIIITE!

Mark
You could've at least afforded M.C. Hammer.

Hyle
Mark, don't give up.
I"m sure Gary Busey is right behind the curtain
The John, Paul, George, and George Martin of the Nintendo world.
Ringo is the Game & Watch

Mark
Who's who?

Hyle
Whenever God closes a door, He opens a window.

Mark
I think John's the DS.

Chad
pixel graphics? It can't be bothered.

Hyle
Nah, Paul is the Xbox.
I always have to replace it.

Mark
Hahaha!

Hyle
Yeah, let's call it the P.U. It's almost as witty as the Nintendo Diaper Shit
MARIO PARTY 9
Where's that knife-to-wrist image?

Mark
WHY?
Oh, come on!

Hyle
So who wants to unpin that Donkey Kong Country Forever topic?
Oh come on G4. Zoom in on that screen!
Jesus.
And turn off that fucking music.
But hey. They mentioned Smash Bros. That's enough for some frat daddies in the audience to go "WHOA!"


And there you have it, folks. This year's E³ Nintendo press conference was but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.