"DON'T YOU WANT ME, OOOOOH?"
"Greetings pathetic mortals! It is I, Helmost the Dreadfully Evil! DK Vine's nefarious, otherworldly E3 2013 mascot and part-time necromancer! I've spent the last year in Hell amongst the Nintendemons, as well as Margaret Thatcher, various Popes and, for some reason, Princess Diana. She says hi, by the way. But I've managed to get the internet sorted out down here so I can get this stupid shit out to you maggots.
"'So what does DK Vine have to offer this time around?' I imagine you're probably asking. As well as other things like 'gosh isn't Helmost the Dreadfully Evil a remarkably handsome fellow?' and, 'I wonder if he'll let me blow him off?' Well, the answers to those questions are, in reverse order: YOU CAN'T AFFORD ME BITCH, yes I am, and scroll down to find out! You lazy bastard.
"DK Vine's got all of the usual pointless shit, sarcastic liveblogs and over-enthusiastic podcasts to offer, but most importantly this year's brought with it some original video content! One instance of which has I, Helmost the Dreadfully Evil in it! You'll have to watch through the whole damn lot to find out when and where, though. I'm not giving away the best bit just like that! Now, why don't you get on with looking through these links and I can get back to my busy schedule of bumming the undead souls of former cabinet ministers. Or whatever it is I'm meant to be doing, I don't fucking know."