Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine
Act One, Scene One
A bus full of employees enters Nintendo of Japan headquarters, and once they're beyond the armed guards and electric fencing, they file out. Among the drones going off to their jobs is a certain Mac Tonight, aka the MOONMAN. Mac walks with the others, hoping he'll blend in, until he gets inside out the building. There, he tiptoes down a dark corridor, breaking away from the other employees. Mac is in search of THE TRUTH. Continuing to sneak his way through the massive structure, he reaches a room with a gigantic super computer. Cracking the code, he begins siphoning information from it. On the screen it flashes December 22, 2012 - END GAME. As Mac reads in horror, the door to the room begins to open. Quickly he takes off but not before he's spotted by the armed men. Running for his life, Mac races for another exit out of the room, and comes to a long white hallway. At the end of this hallway stands the form of... Unibrow Da Ghetto. Shocked, Mac stops in mid-step, but snaps out of it once he hears the men get closer. Now at the end of the hall, Mac comes face to face with Unibrow.
"It can't be you! You're dead!" As he says this, the shouting of several men of Japanese origin with large, large artillery rifles causes him to nearly crap his pants with ASTRO FECAL MATTER, and as he turns back to view Unibrow, he sees that he's gone.
Mac jaunts into another room, this one a large industrial one of sorts, where he's positioned on a large metal grating a good thirty feet above the ground. Several NCL employees look up at him in shock, as Mac continues to run for his life. He realizes in despair that the grating stops and he's reached a dead end. Looking behind him, he sees two armed Nintendo employees being led by the Suave Sizzler. Mac begins to get into a tussle with the Sizzler, before knocking him off the edge of the grating onto a piece of machinery below, where the Sizzler is electrocuted. The other two men grab Mac and take him away.
Opening credits and theme song play
Act Two, Scene One
In the lush home office of Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine, situated in the Vermont countryside, Chad McCanna is finishing writing chapter sixteen of the Epic Donkey Kong (Not A) Cock-And-Bull Story, the final installment.
"...and as the celebrity androids cornered Donkey Kong on the alien world full of octopi, Donkey finally realized that S.M.M. meant Super Mario Mario, the name Mario was given in the god-awful Mario Bros. film. The John Leguizamo android was about to attack, when Donkey thought about it, and realized that this entire adventure was horse shit. Lequizamo hit him over the head, and Donkey collapsed to the ground. He awoke to find himself in bed, and as Bob Hoskins. It was at that moment Mr. Hoskins decided to reject the lead role in Donkey Kong Country: The Movie." Chad finishes typing and sits back to enjoy a Hot Pocket.
"Hey Chad, are you ready to go to the town meeting?" asks Andrey, the usual bottle of Mexican coffee liquor in his hand. Ben, Slush, and Our Friend have already left."
"Sure thing, Andrey. I was just finishing up the (Not A) Cock-And-Bull Story. Say, weren't you going to do the update tonight?"
"Actually, no. I was going to finish our giant secret feature that involved that floating tie teaser, but then I realized there was no successful way to simulate a Turkish enema over the Internet."
Yeah," Chad mutters, "I guess we better just scrap that idea. Our readers will be upset though, and as you know, I hold their feelings above all else." Chad and Andrey stare at each other for a good ten seconds before bursting out laughing, eventually succumbing to tears. "Anyway, we better go to the meeting before the villagers decide to kick us out of the town again."
Act Two, Scene Two
Mac sits in his cramped Nintendo of Japan military cell, now fitted in orange prisoner garb, with nothing but shadows for lighting. Suddenly the cell door opens, and in walks a familiar figure. He's about 6'2, 200 pounds, with broad shoulders and dark skin. He's adorned in a blue suit and is wearing sunglasses.
"Hello Clarice," Mac mumbles in an Anthony Hopkins-esque voice. The figure is horrified, before Mac begins to laugh and embraces the man. They passionately kiss before they realize they're not deeply in love. Mac Tonight breaks away and coughs a little.
"Man, that kiss was smooth," jives Smooth Ice, the former wisdom giver of the Heroes of Kazaam. "It's a cryin' shame your situation is not."
"What's that supposed to mean, Ice Man?" asks the cosmic fast food mascot.
"It means you're about to be put on trial in front of a Nintendo tribunal for the murder of the Suave Sizzler. Look, I don't know what the damn Suave Sizzler was doing working for Nintendo, and we both know that the Sizzler is made of fire and cannot be electrocuted, but Nintendo of Japan claims that they have the body, and you're their prisoner. I... don't think you're going to get a fair trial. What were you DOING breaking into NCL headquarters anyway?"
"I was searching for THE TRUTH," Mac says with pride. "And I found it."
"The truth? The truth to what?" Before Mac can answer, a guard enters the cell and takes Smooth Ice away. Visiting hours are over. Mac sits back in the corner of the small stone room to ponder his fate. Suddenly a greenish figure emerges from the shadows. Startled, Mac tenses up before he recognizes the being... Evil Amoeba.
"Here, take this," Evil Amoeba says as he hands Mac a small slip of paper. After Mac glancing down at it, he peers back up to see that Evil Amoeba is gone. Looking down to read it, he realizes it has written on it "You're fucked."
Act Two, Scene Three
In the humble and rustic town council building, Chad and Andrey are seated next to Ben Kosmina, Slush, and Our Friend. The head of the council, Ron the Gamer, is almost ready to adjourn the meeting.
"Well, if there ain't any more business, I gots to go watch mah beans. There's a gopher after mah beans."
"Excuse me, excuse me, I'd like to speak." A rather short, lean man of Asian decent in a suit and tie stands, his hair long on top but cut short. The entire audience in the room gasps when they see who had been sitting amongst them. Shigeru Miyamoto continued to speak. "I have only been a visiting guest in your quaint little town for a short time now, but already I have fallen in love with it. I would like to make a proposition. I want to buy your town and turn it into a magical garden for vegetable planting!"
Angry shouts mixed with laughter and disbelief fill the room. Yumblie of YBK stands up and shouts angrily at Miyamoto. "We can't sell you the entire town, especially for you to turn it into a giant garden! That's ridiculous! We love this town!"
"I am prepared to offer you one million dollars each for your website homes," Miyamoto rebuts.
"Bring on the friggin' bulldozers!" yells Kablooie of YBK. With that, everyone in the room starts cheering and goes back to their soon-to-be demolished sites to pack their bags. Everyone that is except the five DKVine staffers. Our Friend can't believe what's happening.
"Is everyone insane? We can't sell the entire damn town to this nutjob! He wants to turn it into a focking garden!"
"No worries, Our Friend," Ben reassures. "We won't sell the site. He'll just have to build this garden around DKVine."
"They're all mentally retarded. YBK, Gun Toting Retro Net, and the rest of them," Our Friend snorts a line of cocaine to calm himself. "I guess we'll just have to be the last site in this neighborhood remaining."
"You've got that right, Our Friend," Slush agrees. "We'll never get rid of the Vine. Never." Slush reconsiders for a few seconds. "Unless the continuity of the DKU gets too difficult to mantain. The day a young Donkey Kong Sr. appears next to an adult Donkey Kong Jr. that isn't the current Donkey Kong is the day I quit."
"You mean you still work for the site?" asks Chad. "When was the last time you updated? AND WHERE'S MY DAMN MONEY?"
"It's... uh... HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!" points Slush before he knocks Chad on the back of his albino head with a clown hammer and runs out of the town council building.
Act Three, Scene One
Mac Tonight is led by guards into a slightly larger room where his trial is to be held. He's surprised to see that the presiding judge isnone other than the Suave Sizzler's former co-employer, Gun Toter, now with bionic arms. The two bailiffs are also partners of the Sizzler: Wave Wranglin' Shark and Ms. Obdurate "Muliebral" Postlewaith. Mac figures out in an instant that there's no way he can win this trial, but decides to give it his best anyway. He's seated by the guards and looks sheepishly at his lawyer, Dennis Miller, who in his hands still clutches the Arseademy Award that he never gave to Nintendo for Super Smash Bros. Melee's 2002 victory in the Best Sound department. The prosecutor, Michael Flatley (who IS Lord of the Dance), then opens his case by Riverdancing. When he finishes, Dennis Miller leans in to Mac.
"Well buddy boy, I don't think we can compete with that wizard of ambulate grace. I haven't seen fancy footwork like that since John Wilkes Booth hightailed it out of Chinatown during the Cola Wars." At this moment, Mac Tonight truly realizes he has no chance of winning the case. Miller stands up to call his first person to the stand. "Distinguised muchachos of the guild, I'd like to call Ernest Borgnine to the stand."
The door opens and Ernest Borgnine is let into the room. After being sworn in, Miller begins questioning him.
"Mr. Borgnine, are you indeed the Ernest Borgnine who once appeared in the films Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders and Laser Mission, as well as the television series Tierärztin Christine?"
"Well... yes, that would be me," Borgnine replies.
"No further questions."
Some time later...
"Judge Toter, I would like to call Gay Carl Winslow to the stand."
Gay Carl Winslow enters the room, is sworn in, and gets questioned by Miller.
"Now Gay Carl Winslow, you trouper of the baronial boards, would you compare our friend Mac Tonight's innocence to Yevgeny Yevtushenko being born from the genitalia of a sugar glider in the wilds of an Estonian bathhouse?"
Gay Carl Winslow looks puzzled. "Well... I.... uh, well... I suppose... not?"
"Really? Oh... well, okay. No further questions." Miller takes a seat next to Mac once again, and Mac looks furious at his lawyer.
Some time later...
"I'd like to call my final witness to the stand... The Spirit of the Line 'I've Got a Bad Feeling About This' That's Featured in Nearly All of George Lucas' Movies."
The Spirit of the Line 'I've Got a Bad Feeling About This' That's Featured in Nearly All of George Lucas' Movies enters the room, is sworn in, and takes a seat. Miller begins questioning him.
"Now The Spirit of the Line 'I've Got a Bad Feeling About This' That's Featured in Nearly All of George Lucas' Movies, tell me... what do you think the outcome of this trial be?"
"I've got a bad feeling about this."
"No further questions."
Some time later...
Gun Toter reenters the room after deciding Mac Tonight's fate. Mac sits with Dennis Miller and is still cursing him underneath his breath. He can't believe he picked Dennis Miller over Johnny Cochran. Gun Toter clears his throat and reads the verdict.
"Mr. Tonight, for the murder of the Suave Sizzler, as well as trespassing on private property, I find you... guilty, with the punishment of lethal injection to be administered tomorrow morning at 9 AM."
Mac stands up furiously. "THAT'S NOT FAIR!"
Gun Toter gives a little chuckle. "Who said anything about fair, Mr. Tonight? This isn't a real courtroom, and I'm not a real judge. We all work for Nintendo of Japan, and we can't let you free. After all, you learned of THE TRUTH. Now, take him away." With that, the guards grab Mac and haul him back to his cell. Michael Flatley dances for the rest one more time.
Act Three, Scene Two
In the home office of DKVine, the entire town gathers to say goodbye to Chad, Slush, Ben, Andrey, and Our Friend as those five decide to stay put while the rest move on with their money.
"Goodbye, mate," Ben says as he hugs HappyBob from RareOps. "You're going to continue RareOps even though you're moving out of the town?"
"Yeah, we're going to operate from a condo in Hawaii now that we're stinking rich," replies Charlie. "That Miyamoto sure is a swell guy. Let's here it for Miyamoto! Hip hip..."
"HOORAY!" cries the entire town sans the Vine staffers.
"Are you sure you guys don't want to reconsider?" asks Bhlaab of YBK. "I never thought you guys would let your blatant anti-Miyamoto bias get in the way of a million dollars."
"It's not that," Our Friend snaps back. "It's the principle. DKVine is our home. This town is our home. We're not going to leave it because some burned out video game designer came up with a wacky scheme to turn it all into a garden!"
"Whatever floats your boat," Bhlaab tells him. "Ooh, a BOAT! Hey Yumblie and Kablooie, we could buy a yacht now that we've got cash coming out of our asses! Anyway, we all have planes to catch. Talk to you guys later." With that, the staff of YBK, RareOps, Donkey Kong 64 Central, and several other sites that make up the town all wave goodbye and walk out of the Vine office building to live a life of wealth, leaving only five remaining citizens.
"What do you want to do now?" Chad asks his fellow editors. "Do you want to update with something?" The other four give a hard laugh, and Chad eventually joins in.
Act Three, Scene Three
Mac sits in his dark cell, periodically checking his watch. He's to be executed in six hours. His thoughts turn to cruising the night sky in an astro car, something he'd never be able to do again. As he closes his eyes and prepares to sleep one more time, the heavy steel door to his cell is blown off. Mac is surprised to see Smooth Ice standing there, dressed in all black with a large shotgun in his hand.
"Come on, bro. We're getting you out of here to somewhere smooth."
Mac jumps up and follows Smooth Ice out of the cell and through the maze of hallways in NCL headquarters. They come across the occasional guard, but nothing that Smooth's shotgun can't take care of. Finally they make it to the door that Mac had entered in what seemed like ages ago that had got him into the mess in the first place. As Smooth opens it, there stands Gun Toter, two guns pointed in their direction.
"You can't go this way," Gun Toter says with a bitter tone. "Come on, THIS way." With that, Gun Toter enters the building and races down the hall, leading both Smooth Ice and Mac Tonight. Along the way, several guards attempt to stop them, but the combined efforts of Smooth and Gun Toter make quick work of them. After several minutes they reach another exit, and the three make it to the outside, running up a grassy hill and at last coming to a road where two parked cars wait for them.
Mac Tonight stares hesitantly at Gun Toter. "What... what are you doing?" the MOONMAN asks.
"What I should have done a long time ago. Smooth Ice and I used to be partners with Shigamoto, after all. He saw the light before I did, but better late than never. Mac, you know THE TRUTH. It was my intent from the moment that you were captured to break you out of here. Shigamoto, myself, the Suave Sizzler, all of us... you know we were all employed by Nintendo of Japan after the Heroes of Kazaam foiled us. You know what we were planning to do to the world... what they still ARE planning to do to the world. I can't stop what I've created, but maybe you two can. They're going to come after you. You're never going to be safe. You have to leave Japan within the next 12 hours or you won't make it out alive. Good luck." With that, Gun Toter enters one of the parked cars and drives away as quickly as possible, leaving Mac and Smooth to enter their own car and get away as well, driving in the opposite direction.
Act Four, Scene One
A large garden, Maemuki Roketto-Dan Gardens, sits where the little town in Vermont once was. The only structure left is the DKVine office building. Inside, Chad, Slush, Ben, and Andrey have all taken to the life of Japanese gardening rather well. The only unhappy resident is Our Friend, who has become even more bitter and despondent than he used to be. The other four editors enter the dining room area wearing kimonos and wielding garden hoes.
"Oh, I can't wait to plant mah beans today!" giggles Slush.
"Say, what if these beans we are about to plant aren't beans at all, but rather ancient samurai warriors vying for the position of center square on Hollywood Squares?" questions Andrey.
"Oh, for the love of FUCK!" cries Our Friend. "What has happened to you four? You've all become like... like..." He peers over and sees Shigeru Miyamoto enter the dining room. "Like HIM!"
"Oh, hello my little camera friend," Miyamoto kindly greets him. "How are you on this beautiful day of gardening... or is it really a gloomy night of water polo? You either dismiss it, or you accept that there is much more to the world than you think. Or you dismiss it BECAUSE of that, but that's not important. It's not like they're mutually exclusive? What if they are? We may never know."
"I want out, Mr. Miyamoto" the digitial camera sobs. "Give me my share of the million dollars and get me get out of this hellhole, like the YBK guys did."
"Oh, I'm afraid that doorway has long since closed. Never fear though. Perhaps it really is a doorway, and if you choose to go inside, you'll find many unexpected things. Perhaps you'll find your neighbor, appearing in your garden when he shouldn't, and taking his life will mean nothing to you."
"Just... just forget it. Forget it." Our Friend then floats glumly back to his room.
Act Four, Scene Two
Still in Japan, Mac and Smooth pull over on a deserted road so Mac can take an ASTRO URINATION. Smooth is sound asleep in the passenger side, so Mac quickly unzips his pants. As he does so, he's surprised to see yet another spirit greet him... Jim Varney.
"Jim Varney? What are you doing here as I piss on the side of the highway?"
"Oh, forget this," Mac sighs as he zips up and goesback to the car, driving towards a large, rocky cliffside up ahead. Smooth awakens and looks at his watch.
"Are we still in Japan? Man, that's not very smooth. If we don't get out soon..."
"Relax, Ice Man. There's one more person I have to see before we leave. Someone you know pretty well. I just need to make sure THE TRUTH is what I think it is."
He pulls the car below the giant cliff, gets out, and begins to scale it, heading towards a small opening in the side of it. Smooth Ice follows as quickly as he can. They reach the little entrance and go inside. The interior is lit by small candles almost at the end of their life. Finally they make their way to the end of the little passage, which transitions into a larger area. Sitting the center of this said area is none other than the villainous Shigamoto, former arch-nemisis of the Heroes of Kazaam.
"SHIGAMOTO?" hollers Smooth Ice. "What the hell are you doing hiding here in this giant rock?"
Shigamoto takes a puff of a cigarette and speaks with a raspy, cancerous voice. "Exactly what you said, my former colleague. I'm hiding... from Nintendo of Japan."
"Nintendo of Japan?" quizzes Smooth Ice. "Wait, I thought you worked for Nintendo of Japan. Mac, why did you take us here? What's going on?"
Mac Tonight looks at his friend, then looks at Shigamoto. "I came to confirm what I think I figured out THE TRUTH was. Tell me Shigamoto. I know you had a falling out with NCL. Just tell me THE TRUTH, THE whole TRUTH, and nothing but THE TRUTH."
Shigamoto takes another puff of his cigarette. "Very well. After those damn Heroes of Kazaam beat me almost two years ago, I decided to take my plan of mass hypnosis to the next level. Gun Toter and I took our henchmen and became employed by Nintendo of Japan. We began conspiring with the CEOs and heads of the company. The conspiracy was complex and yet so simple. It was a plan of self-sabatoge. Nintendo would slowly produce more and more crap... ridiculous crap, even penetrating the Zelda series. We'd stop listening to what the consumers want, and all the meanwhile, use a new version of my brainwashing machine to make a mindless army out of our diehard fans. Unfortunately, Rareware found out about this early on, so we had to severe our ties with them. Anyway, what's eventually going to happen is Nintendo is going to go bankrupt, and they're going to let themselves be bought out by Microsoft. Then Microsoft would become corrupt, and eventually they'd be bought out by Sony. At that point, the entire video game industry and their fans would be under the power of us, and then we'd use our zombified fans to take over the world on December 22nd, 2012. Like I said, it was a simple and yet very complex plan. Eventually though, I was pushed out. I had set the plan in motion, and then I guess they figured they had no need for me anymore. No matter. I ran for my life, and eventually decided to hide out here. And that, my "friends," is THE TRUTH." Shigamoto then takes another puff and laughs.
"I... my God," gasps Smooth Ice. "Earth is doomed." All three men remain silent, but not for long. The sound of two helicopters interrupts the silence, flying closer and closer to the cliffside.
"Those NCL bastards," Mac grimaces. "They followed us. Quick, we have to get out of here!" Both he and Smooth take off, but Shigamoto just sits, smoking his cigarette, and begins laughing maniacally, knowing his end is imminent.
Mac and Smooth run as fast as they can out of the cliffside, just as the two helicopters, being flown by Wave Wranglin' Shark and Ms. Obdurate "Muliebral" Postlewaith, fire several Screaming Dreamers into the rocks, blowing it all to kingdom come. Before the duo can reach the car, they're stopped in their tracks by the Suave Sizzler, who, on foot, begins to launch fireballs their way.
"I knew he was just faking his death," spits Smooth Ice. "Mac, get out of here while you can. I'll deal with this bastard."
"Not on your life," reassures Mac. "I'm with you on this until the end." They begin to back up slowly from the Suave Sizzler, unsure of what to do. Suddenly, the Suave Sizzler trips over a small peddle and splashes into a tiny mud puddle, extinguishing his flames and killing him for real this time.
"Well... that was a rather anticlimactic way of dying," chuckles Smooth. Come on man, let's get the hell out of here before those helicopters realize we weren't in that cliffside." Mac knods in agreement and they jump into the car, taking off down the dusty trail, heading towards the nearest airport as quickly as possible.
Some time later...
In a small motel room in Twycross, England, Mac and Smooth both sit on the bed in the dark room, reflecting on the recent events of the past day or two.
"Do you think there's any hope?" asks Smooth Ice wearily. "Hope for mankind? Hope for civilization?"
"I think... I think... I think if we listen to the voices... the voices of the dead, of those that came before us, of those who are gone but still watching over us... maybe if we listen to them, and have faith... have faith in a higher power..." Mac gently raises his hand up to Smooth Ice's gold necklace with the words 'Keep on Trucking' written on it and holds it in his hand. "Maybe... maybe there's hope." Mac and Smooth embrace and look up at the ceiling together, wondering what the future will hold.
Act Four, Scene Three
Our Friend sits muttering on the couch in the living room of the DKVine offices, wondering how his life got to be so shitty. The other four editors then come inside after a hard day of gardening, saying things like "God, I love gardening" and "BEANS!" They all sit on the couch next to Our Friend.
"We missed you out in the fields today," Andrey tells Our Friend. "But it's your loss missing out on gardening. We found out using the Mucuousy Vulture's manure grows beans in HALF the time!"
"You know what?" grunts Our Friend. "You can just take your beans and shove them up your..."
Suddenly, Yumblie, Kablooie, Bhlaab, Charlie, HappyBob, and all the other former citizens of the town come bursting through the front door. The Vine staffers on the couch are shocked to see them. "What are YOU guys doing back?" Chad asks, puzzled.
"We all made a pact to come back a day or so after we left to see if you guys were still alive," Bhlaab explains. "And unfortunately, you are."
"Wow... this place is exactly like I remembered it," HappyBob says fondly. "You guys haven't changed a thing."
"THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S ONLY BEEN A FUCKING DAY!" shrieks Our Friend. "Is everyone here insane except for me?"
"Hey... you know what would be fun?" Ben says brightly. "Why don't you all spend the night here? It can be like the whole town is back, except right under our roof!"
"That's a GREAT idea!" laughs Charlie. "Wait... I have an even BETTER idea! Why don't we all just move here, and we can reform all of our sites under the DKVine roof?"
"That's a wonderful plan!" agrees Ron the Gamer. "I hereby call an impromptu meeting of the town council to discuss sleeping arrangements."
"Ooh, this will be fun!" says Slush, who can barely contain his excitement.
"I'll make Hot Pockets!" volunteers Chad.
"You're all fucking insane!" bellows Our Friend. "Why is it that I'm the only one who can see how ridiculous all of this is? ALL OF IT! I... can't take this anymore! CAN YOU EVEN HEAR ME?" The rest of the regrouped town are all busy chattering amongst themselves, making plans for the new town under the Vine roof. "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF THIS MADHOUSE!" Our Friend angrily goes towards the door and opens it.
"So sorry, my gardening hoe slipped from my hands!" Miyamoto warns from afar. Before he can react, the hoe hit Our Friend in the lens with great impact, shattering it. Our Friend slowly falls against the doorway, slumping to the ground slowly before the world around him goes black.
Our Friend finds himself in bed, and fumbles in the darkness to turn on the light. When he does, we see not Our Friend but Dr. Bob Hartley with a peculiar, puzzled look on his face.
"Honey... honey, wake up! You won't believe the dream I just had!"
His wife Emily groggily wakes up and stares at him with a look of contempt. "Well Bob... what is it?"
"I... I... I had a dream I was a digital camera working for a website called Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine... I've never even HEARD of half of the video games this site talked about, but... but there was an albino bald teenager with a Charlie Brown head, and a guy who was nothing but a giant question mark. Then later on in the dream there was this Australian guy who hated Australian stereotypes, and a Russian-born Canadian who happened to be invisible. Then... there was also that McDonalds mascot from a few years back... you know, that moon guy... and a jive-talking black man who lived this philosophy of being... smooth."
"....that settles it Bob. No more Japanese food before bed. Goodnight, Bob."
"....goodnight, Emily." Bob turns off the light and tries to get back to sleep. He quickly turns the light back on. "Oh, Emily... there was also this... this beautiful gorilla's ass that we gave out as an award. Oh well. Goodnight."
A few moments pass before Emily turns her light on. "What do you... a beautiful gorilla's ass?"
"Goodnight, Emily," Bob responds. Emily turns out her light. Another few moments pass before Bob speaks again. "Hey Emily... do you think we can take our vacation in Tahiti this year?"