Completely Pointless (And Often Harmful) Fun Things To Do

The DKU is full of quests, side-quests, and failures. While those can occupy decades of time all their own (such as the ultra-montonous Mario Tennis), there are several things that are completely useless to a game, but incredibly fun. Here are those things, along with YouTube video embeds, replacing their Quicktime counterparts.

-Donkey Kong Country / Donkey Kong Country 2
-Torchlight Trouble / Glimmer's Galleon
-Pausing On The Light

In both Donkey Kong Country and its sequel, there were levels in which animal buddies Squawks and Glimmer would light your way. If you turned left and right, for a split second, they would shine the light in the camera, blinding all players (expecially those playing in a dark room). This can get very annoying if it's your first time to play the level, but eventually you'll stop noticing. The fun thing to do, though, is to try to pause the game exactly when the light is shone in the screen. It's quite challenging, and very time consuming, but it reaps the benefits of a... er... white screen.

-Donkey Kong Country 2
-Mainbrace Mayhem
-The March Of Neeks

One of the things that differentiated the DKC series from platformers of that era (aside from the graphics) was the roll attack. The mechanics of the attack worked in such a way that so long as you kept the button pressed and continued hitting baddies, the attack would continue and the character would speed exponentially. In Donkey Kong Country 2's second level, there is a steep embankment with a long row of Neeks. The game provides you a barrel to throw at them, but a much more fun option is taking them on with a roll attack. The fur flies and the screen scrolls at breakneck speeds as you plow through nine evil rats and dance victoriously. Also, it looks really neat. It does!

-Donkey Kong Country 2
-Klubba's Kiosk

Klubba's Kiosk, of Court Theme fame, is one of the cult characters here at the Vine. We love the muscle-bound Kremling traitor, and pray for his return some day. In the game, if you hadn't yet paid him for passage to the Lost World, there were two options. "Run Away", and "FIGHT HIM!" Of course, we all wanted to take him on, and every time, he would knock us back with his club. This pointless option is one of the greatest things EVER needlessly added to a videogame.

-Mario Kart 64
-Rainbow Road
-The Shortcut

Rainbow Road, the single greatest track in this game, also had the single greatest shortcut in the game. You would actually have to leap off the side of the rail and go flying through the air, in hopes of landing on the track below, cutting your time in two. It was incredibly risky, and if you missed, there was virtually no chance of catching up with your adversaries. Why is it fun? Not only do you have the CHANCE of winning by over half a lap, but if you miss, you get the joy of seeing your character plummet into Outer Space. I doubt this was even intentional on Nintendo's part, but it sure is fun.

-Diddy Kong Racing
-Spaceport Alpha
-Pretending To Be Luke

Spaceport Alpha is the favorite DKR track at the Vine, for not only being incredibly fun to race in, but also housing one of the first videogame movie parodies. The laser field portion of Spaceport Alpha is almost identical to the Death Star trench in A New Hope. You can be Player One, and be Luke, you can have two computer players, and one person can be Luke, and the other can be Han Solo, shooting down the computer players, you can be Admiral Ackbar, shouting random things, the possibilities are virtually endless. Hell, you can even do barrel rolls and pretend to be Darth Vader. In any case, if a mere stretch of track is this fun, then acting out movies in Conker's Bad Fur Day will bleed (literally, in most cases) entertainment.

-Any Level
-Beak Bombing Things Because They Might Have Some Vague Relevance To The B-T Connection

Oh, come on, you may laugh, but we've all done it. As soon as Mumbo showed you the pictures in 1998, you were all over those areas in the game, beak bombing like crazy. A few months later, Rare revealed the "A Golden Glow To Protect Banjo" and "Now You Can Fly High In The Sky" cheats, which let you Beak Bomb time and time again. This became a hobby of mine in early 1999. Anything that was remotely out of place would be subject to a barrage of Beak Bombs.

"Look at those stars on the Freezeezy Peak entrance portrait!"
"Nothing happened!"

"That texture on the side of Treasure Trove Cove's main island looks a little bit lighter brown than the one next to it..."

-Banjo-Kazooie/ Banjo-Tooie
-Any Level
-Jumping Off High Things

This is probably the single greatest thrill of the Banjo series. Grunty's Furnace Fun? Bah. Dragon Spell? Pfft. Nothing can beat the timeless pleasure of jumping off dizzying heights, start to spin wildly, and hear Banjo cry out in terror. Donkey Kong 64 doesn't get the same recognition, due to the fact that its height damage isn't analog, like Banjo's. You only lose one piece of a melon, as opposed to varying honeycombs depending on the height. Call me crazy, but I'll take Kazooie limply hanging out Banjo's backpack over Chunky reinflating himself any day. Something fun to do is jump off a high place, pause the game, and take bets on how many honeycombs you're going to lose. Gambling and videogames. Ah, bliss.

-Jolly Roger's Lagoon
-Amphibious Submarine

Leave it to the dedicated explorers to find a way to take aquatic machinery out of the water. It's seemingly impossible, as the warp pads forbid it, but if you go back to the town square area and go up the ramp, you've got the warp system beat. While the submarine refuses to go up the main stairway, You can visit Trott and Piggles' swimming hole, the Turtle Cove overlook, and Captain Blubber's store. Plus, you have unlimited torpedoes at your disposal, and mass destruction is one of those giddy little thrills we all know and love.

-Conker's Bad Fur Day
-Any Chapter
-Whacking Things With The Frypan

In a game cram-packed with audio and superb graphics, it's perfectly excusable for Rare to have omitted little extra laughs for the sake of cartridge space. But lo and behold, they went all-out as always, giving us not only extras, but more extras than in any other DKU game. The most prominent example of this is hitting things with the frypan. The simplest things amuse us the most, and this is one of my favorite Conker pasttimes. A lot of objects will merely give a metallic clang, while most will curse at you or lethargically moan in pain. If you check out any one of the videos on this page, make it this one. There's even a slight intermission between the "day" and "night" portions of the game. Heh.

An observation (or, rather, several) by Chad McCanna