Attention Hate Filled Donkey Kong 64 Internet Critics


Historical note: This was written in 1999 by a sixteen year old Slush who hadn't masturbated in close to six hours. Obviously time has restored rationality to his thought-process and now he realizes Donkey Kong 64 is only the second-greatest game of all time. Obviously.

A note to the hate filled Donkey Kong 64 internet critics.

You're all assarseholes.

Donkey Kong 64 is the best game of all time. Of course, you've all slowly become biased towards certain types of games through your years of drug usage that it doesn't really matter what you think anymore. I pity anyone that doesn't buy this game for the reasons that IGN64 was too nitpicky about the camera angles, Rarenet wanted Perfect Dark for excessive violence this Christmas, etc. You can't take these slapnuts seriously. You may be thinking, "But then how can we take Mr. Slush seriously if he carves Donkey Kong's body out of bread mold every night?" I can tell you the answer to that.

I don't dump on good games.

I admit that Ocarina Of Time was a great game. One of the best N64 games ever made. I admit that at the time, Super Mario 64 was a great game. There are countless more games I could list on and on. However, the fact of the matter is that this is a Donkey Kong Universe website. It's not our job to do reviews for Zelda or Mario. If we had to, then they would get high scores. The job of reviewing games of different series and many different generes go to the IGN and Nintendorks of the world. To a lesser extent they go to the Rarenets of the world, who review all the games that a single company make. There is a biased opinion that's been brewing for a few years though. Miyamoto has almost become God to the reviewers on Nintendo sites. Miyamoto can do no wrong. When Miyamoto is bested, as he was in Super Mario 64 (B-K and DK64 beat it) and Mario Kart 64 (DKR beats it), the gaming sites can't handle and look for every problem they can find. When they can't find any problems, they usually take the smallest thing they can find and blow it out of proportions to something they claim not only makes the game bad, but "disgraces the system." Maybe I'm moving ahead of myself here. Let's compare some scores here, courtesy of our "good friends" at IGN64.

Super Mario 64---9.7
Banjo-Kazooie---9.6
Donkey Kong 64---9.0

Mario Kart 64---8.1
Diddy Kong Racing---8.4

While the Mario/Banjo/Donkey thing is a disgrace, you may notice that Diddy Kong Racing clocked in a higher score than Mario Kart 64. Keep in mind this was when it first came out, around two years ago. Oh, how the internet has slowly degraded poor DKR over that course of time. They now refer to Mario Kart 64 as the chosen one, with DKR having "a bad multi-player mode." What? When did this happen? Mario Kart 64, while a brilliant game, doesn't touch DKR's multi-player which is actually innovative in certain aspects (it's not just shooting your opponent with projectiles all the time; it's shooting, then getting an egg, putting it in your nest, guarding it so it can hatch without anybody stealing it, and so on). Then of course, this game threatens Miyamoto's version of a "go-kart" racing game. We can't have that, can we? Honestly, Miyamoto is the most overrated game designer in the world. Rare is superior in nearly every aspect of game designing. Yet they are not the internet favorites. Their Donkey Kong Universe games threaten Miyamoto's series of platformers/racers. The difference between opinions are quite clear. Look at IGN64's (they're certainly being nice little targets right now) reviews of Super Mario 64 and Donkey Kong 64. DK64 got put under the microscope, then sliced up, then examined again, then sliced again, then examined, then sliced, sliced, microscoped, examined. Super Mario 64's review was unscathing, especially when the game has more faults than DK64 does. In these sites' cases, they will do anything to put Miyamoto on a pedestal. The same as Rare, but anytime they threaten the holiest of holies, they will kick them to the gutter. Why do they have such sad devotion to one man? Maybe it's because their first real game was a Miyamoto produced game, and they feel the owe something to him. Maybe they never want that feeling of the first videogame to ever go away. Rareware is full of talented developers, while Miyamoto is just one man. These British hotshots are threatening the man who first game them "that nonsexual feeling." So they will do whatever possible to protect him, right?

On the other side of the internet critic, we have the biased Rare fan. Stop pointing your fingers at Chad and myself. We love Rare, but we're primarily Donkey Kong fans. By a "biased Rare fan," we mean a type of fan that enjoys Goldeneye (more Goldeneye griping later) or other first person shooters but when a better Rare game comes along they find fault. Look at Rarenet. Just to think the other day we were praising their hideous server space...shudder. They had their hopes set on Perfect Dark for this Christmas. Perfect Dark, if you don't know, is another first person shooter by Rare. Biased Rare fans/critics and biased multi-company Nintendo console game producing internet critics both love Goldeneye. Number one, it features excessive violence (which I enjoy in a movie, but I don't like the idea of letting YOU simulate shooting someone to death) which the "common" late teen/early twenties computer nerd likes. Second, it doesn't feature "cute characters." This is a huge gripe of mine. Just because a game has an animal that can talk in it doesn't make it cute. And even if it is partially cute, if you're too mature to have fun and enjoy a great game intended for everyone, that you have problems. Number three, this game doesn't threaten anything Miyamoto has made. I hate to break it to you though. Goldeneye had some good parts in it (the graphics were pretty good), but it was not a great great great game. The "wonderous multi-player mode" can be fun for ten minute intervals, and then you want to play something else. This is a great example of "exaggerated greatness" that happens frequently on the internet. Something is praised once or twice and it slowly twists into something that's concieved as so wonderful, it must be worshipped. Miyamoto is in the same bracket with Goldeneye. It's almost impossible for ANYTHING new in the videogame world to get a decent shake anymore. Take Rarenet's Dan's despicable comments about Donkey Kong 64. I refuse to paste them here, but if you want to check them out click here and fish around for them. He comes right out and says the game sucks (in his opinion, that is), even though he does sugarcoat it somewhat. But how much do you want to bet that when Perfect Dark comes out he'll say it's the greatest piece of work ever concieved by man, even if it had one level and caused your N64 to catch fire every five minutes? This guy Dan's site should not be called Rarenet. It should be just about Goldeneye/Perfect Dark, as he and his Trevor cohort cater to these games.

If you're a proud Donkey Kong fan, don't let these comments get to you. We hope this helped cleared up the ridiculous negative comments spewing around the internet. Two types of biased critics.....FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

"Let's post it on the internet!"

"No, we have to put it somewhere where people's opinions matter."

Another production of Teenage Slush. Derp derp derpity doo.