Donkey Kong Country Returns brought with it the return of not only our beloved Donkey Kong series, but of something that long had faded from the DK Vine community: hope. But now some are calling it a cockteasing hooker-bitch. "You whore!", they say through streams of tears, "You made me believe in dreams again, dreams of great DKU games, but for two years I've seen nothing grace the DKU's homepage but cameo games and unsubstantiated rumors! There is no inkling of promise for a positive DKU future!"
But isn't there?
Donkey Kong Country Returns' most iconic imagery is that of the sunset; it even inspired this site's header. But two years on, negative naysayers look at this and ask, "was this symbolic of the fading light of our beloved ape-series? Is the sun setting on the DKU; are our best days behind us?" And to these naysayers, I say nay!
Sure, I will admit that we've had very little to look forward to since DKCR's release, and I will accept that we know of nothing that will change this in the immediate future, but I will not agree that there has been no show of promise! And so, in honor of the new year, I give you the 13 reasons not to give up hope. These are all just slim possibilities of various degrees of likelihood, but they are all possible!
1. Rare's NeXtbox Title
Or it could just be KiNEXT Sports.
Rare has fallen on hard times recently, but although they've given us nothing but Kinect Sports for years now, all evidence points to them working on an actual game for once. Job listings as well as a number of rumors suggest them developing a launch title for Microsoft's next generation console, and all sources point to it being a hardcore game. Sure, most of the good guys have left the company, and hey, who knows if the game will even be DKU, but you know what? It could be DKU, and it could be really good!
But let's say you've given up on Rare, but still love their IPs. Well...
2. Rare's IPs... in Cameos
I don't get this reference either...
With Banjo the Bear popping his head into Sonic & Sega All Stars Racing, as well as numerous DKU characters sneaking their way into Minecraft Xbox 360 Edition, it's clear that Microsoft has no problem allowing Rare's IPs to cameo around. Who knows what the next one could be? Chances are, we'll still be able to play as Banjo in SOMETHING this year, even if they don't make another BK game. Sure, you might think that these are just teases, or that the characters are being whored out and feel out of place, but any exposure is good exposure, right?
But maybe you're looking for a more traditional way to play your favorite Rare IPs. Well...
3. 4J Studios Ports
D-do ya get it? Cus it's like, a port right? But like, a diff'rent kind of port.
4J studios are huge fans of Rare. So much so, that they've gone ahead and made ports of several Rare games to the Xbox Live Arcade, including Banjo-Kazooie and Banjo Tooie. Nothing's stopping them from making more! Conker: Live and Reloaded was never released on "Xbox Originals", maybe they're going to port the N64 version? There are plenty of great non-DKU properties for them to port as well, like Jet Force Gemini or Blast Corps.
You might be thinking that ports are lame, and you really want something NEW out of Rare's IPs. Well...
4. Other Studios Could Make NEW Rare Games
Frontier Developments made Kinectimals and Kinect Disneyland Adventures. Maybe this wasn't a good idea afterall...
4J Studios (with BK, BT, Perfect Dark, and Minecraft) has been given a lot of opportunity to use Rare's old IPs. Who's to say that Microsoft isn't willing to let them (or someone else) go whole-hog and use Rare's IPs for a brand new game? Rare may be stuck making shovelware currently, but their IPs are still a goldmine; who knows what other games could be released using Rare's characters? After porting the other Banjo games, could 4J go all out and make Banjo Three-ie for Xbox Live Arcade? Could we get a new Conker shooter? Or what about a long awaited sequel in Rare's other, non-DKU IPs, like Perfect Dark or Killer Instinct?
You might be thinking that it doesn't matter because no other developer could capture the spirit of Rare's games back in their heyday. Well...
5. Rare's Spiritual Successor
Mingy Jongo grinding on his Warcraft account. He's a Dark Elf.
Let's not forget that there is a small group of former Rare employees that are currently considering the idea of making a spiritual successor to Banjo Tooie! It might not be DKU, but these guys wanna make a game with the same fun game play, silly humour, and catchy music as Rare's N64 platformers. We haven't heard much on their progress lately, but if this ever did get off the ground, I think we can safely say that this will undoubtedly be the greatest work of art in any medium ever.
But you might be saying to yourself that that project is doomed, all the best Rare games get cancelled, and then we never get a chance to see them. Well...
6. Cancelled Rare Leaks
GET IT? See, cus it's a "leak"? Is this thing on?
There've been significant leaks over the past year regarding Rare's various cancelled projects (some we didn't even know about!). From footage of Dinosaur Planet and Twelve Tales: Conker 64, to even a leaked ROM of Diddy Kong Pilot, the security on Rare's vault has been slowly degrading over the past couple years (just like the quality of their games- ZING!). Who knows what could be secretly released on the internet under shady circumstances next? Will we get more info on the two planned sequels to Conker's Bad Fur Day? What about Donkey Kong Racing, or even Sabreman Stampede? There's still so much we don't know about these games' developments, and there are also plenty of ex-employees who'd love to show an act of rebellion against the corporation that cancelled their games. It's either this or take a shit in Bill Gates mailbox, and let me tell you, mailbox shitting is easier said than done.
Now, you could be saying that you honestly couldn't care less about anything Rare's doing, past or future, and all you care about is the Donkey Kong branch of the DKU. Well...
7. Donkey Kong Country WiiU
I'm really getting the hang of this whole photoshop thing.
Nintendo just released their next generation home console, and let's face it, sooner or later there will be a new Donkey Kong game on it, and it'll probably be a sequel to Donkey Kong Country Returns. It might not be at this E3, or the next one, but it IS coming. It's inevitable! New Super Mario Bros. can only take Nintendo so far, and after the last DKC's reception, I'm sure they'll be taking the series a little more seriously as an option.
|But you might be saying that Retro Studios is working on something else. Well...
8. Retro's Next Project Might be DKU
Why's it rated AO, you ask? Well, have you googled Krystal lately?
Sure, all the evidence suggests that Retro's not making a Donkey Kong game right now, but who knows? We really have no idea, it could be another Donkey Kong Country, and if it's not, it's likely that their next game after that will be. Plus, it's possible that they're working on Star Fox, which has a chance of being DKU anyway! And come on, who wouldn't love to see Retro tackle Star Fox? They've already created an Andross wannabe (ZING ZING!)
But you might be thinking that you'd rather play a DKC game on the go. Well...
9. Donkey Kong Land Returns
Now that you mention it, this sure does look legitimate.
There have been a shitcock-load of teases for Donkey Kong coming to the 3DS, and logically it's going to happen sooner or later. I mean, do you know how much a shitcock-load is? Probably more than ten! Nintendo has already released a bunch of their heavy hitter franchises on the system (including more Mario games than there are tractors in North Korea), which means they'll have to be branching out to the others eventually. Besides, DKC is perfectly fitted for the platform. Imagine DKCR's foreground and background effects on a 3D system! Retro's had recent experience with the 3DS while working on Mario Kart 7, but even if they can't make a handheld game right now, there's always Paon! Remember them? Yeah, let's not count them out just yet people!
You know, you might be one of those few who say, "I don't just want another DKC game in 3D, I want a 3D Donkey Kong game". Well...
10. Camelot Wants to Make Donkey Kong 128
Who doesn't want more of THIS?
Camelot Software, creators of the Mario Tennis and Mario Golf games, are eager to take a crack at the Donkey Kong series, specifically, a sequel to Donkey Kong 64! I mean, I don't really understand why, but I'm sure we'd get excited for it anyway. Their games are some of the most faithful to the DK series, and with plenty of humorous cutscenes. Seems like a perfect fit for me!
But you might be saying to yourself, "Self", you'd say, "Donkey Kong games are fine and all, but when are we gonna get a cameo game that isn't shitty?" Well...
11. Super Smash Bros is Coming (Twice)
Hopefully they do something about... whatever this was.
If you don't get excited when you hear about a new Smash Bros, then kill yourself.
Still here? ...The Smash Bros games are the most hardcore and downright fun cameo games around. Plus, they're making two'a them fuckers! DK and Diddy are shoe-ins, while King K. Rool is generally one of the most requested newcomers... and come on, if you're still not excited you really should just kill yourself.
"But that's not coming for years", you say. "I want to play a good cameo game sooner than that". Well...
12. Other Cameo Games!
How about Mario Sports REMIX: featuring Badminton, Toss Across, "Laserball" from the 1997 film The Fifth Element, and Water Polo
There are two new Nintendo consoles out, and that means more cameo games are coming. Some people actually like a few cameo games, and eventually we should be getting another Mario baseball game (with its huge Kong cast), Mario Strikers (with it's ultra gritty, exxxtreme feel), or even a return to Mario Golf (which is one of the better received cameo games). And best of all, there's Mario Kart U! With recent innovations, competition from Sonic & Sega, and Retro Studio's influence over the Donkey Kong content, all signs point to the next Mario Kart being not complete shit.
But maybe you want a more skill based DKU racer. Well...
13. Diddy Kong Racing Returns
Due to legalities, Diddy Kong is the only character in the game. But he comes in red, green, yellow, and blue!
Recent rumors suggest that Monster Games is working on a revival of Diddy Kong Racing for the WiiU! Sure, the rumors are complete bullshit and not at all reliable, but in theory this isn't too far-fetched and is completely possible! Monster Games' last couple revivals (Excite Truck and Excite Bots) didn't break a million units combined, so it makes sense for Nintendo to put a more popular IP in their control, and one like Diddy Kong Racing that they don't care much about but will still sell a bundle seems like a no brainer!
But you might be thinking... wait, no, fuck you. If you aren't satisfied by anything I've said so far, then YOU are the cockteasing hooker-bitch. *sigh*
13 Glimmers of hope. GET IT?!
Has the sun set on the DKU? Perhaps, for a moment. It would not be the first time we've endured a cold, dark night. But it is always the darkest before the dawn, and with these 13 glimmers of light to shine our way, we'll forge forth, into the night. And I say to you, that there will come a time when you read DK Vine and realize that the sun depicted at the header of this site is not setting, but rising, and that no matter what happens, there will always be hope on the horizon.
Annoyingly optimistic bullshit by Jeff Onan