Hello, and welcome to Fox's next great competition show! Retro Studios revived the Donkey Kong Country series, but if they aren't
making another one, then who is? Let's find out what America thinks on...
What did you think I meant?
It's Outdated Parody Idol!
I'm Swanky Kong, and I'll be your host. The rules are simple, we've chosen 7 contestants vying to make the next Donkey Kong Country sequel. We'll give
the lowdown on each, after which our judges will weigh in and America will vote. And now, here are your judges:
I'm surprised we haven't done this one yet.
First up, Funky Kong!
Next, the ever lovely Candy Kong!
Um, hi!! This is soo fun!
And the grouch you all love to hate, Cranky Kong!
I'm bored already!
And now, our first contestant! It's the fandom's former golden boy, Paon! Paon developed a whopping 3 Donkey Kong games, all of which paid great respect
to the characters and lore of previous games. They had a few issues in terms of their character adaptations and overall personality, but it's hard to
complain when you're playing a game with Kopter from DKC3, am I right folks! (laughter)
But would we just get another Peg Swinger? I think not. Donkey Kong Jungle Climber was already much closer aesthetically to the DKC series, so it wouldn't
be crazy to think they would tackle a DKC styled platformer. Most interestingly, they also made the Wii version of Klonoa, a wonderful 2.5D platformer whose
path winds in and out of the foreground with highly realistic environments and paths. Oh, what's that? We have video? Roll the tape Chimpy!
Just look at that and tell me that wouldn't be the perfect evolution of DKC gameplay! Judges, what say you?
Yo dawg, it's good it's good, but I gotta be straight dude, Jungle Climber was only aight, naw'm
sayin'? I'm just not really feelin' it tonight man. 2/5
Now, Funky, I disagree. I think Paon did a great job with their games and I think they would be a great choice! Great great great! 5/5
What in tarnation is this?! An American Idol parody? This is 2013! Do you think this is funny? In my day, we made sure our reference humor was of the
utmost relevance! Nixon on Hee-Haw? MY IDEA. And if you ask me, Paon isn't fit to wipe my sagging ass. 0/5.
There you have it, Paon everybody!
Our next contestant was recently tasked with the next Super Smash Bros. game, it's Namco!
Namco owns and published the previously mentioned Klonoa franchise, and also created the Donkey Konga trilogy, which (despite being cheap and basically shit)
paid great respect to the characters and environments of DKC. In making Star Fox Assault, another DKU game, they showed that they can make a direct series sequel
that pays fantastic respect to the franchise history, as well as expanding the gameplay in new ways.
Oh for fuck's sake!
And what's more, in the Mario baseball series, they again showed respect to the Donkey Kong series by including Tiny Kong, Funky, King K. Rool, and more, with
numerous little nods to the franchise. It's not hard to imagine them being capable of adapting a sequel to the series with plenty of returning faces. What do our
judges have to say?
Yeah dawg, I'm feelin' it, I'm feelin' it. I really dug bein' in Mario Super Sluggers, using my
surfboard as a bat was against regulation but I like how they rolled with it. 3/5
Oh my gosh, Namco that was so great! You're going to do really great in this competition! 5/5
Are you kidding me? Did you PLAY Donkey Konga? Two words: "Busy Child". And hey, "DK VINE", what's with this sunset site design? Think you jumped the gun on
that one now that you're precious Retro abandoned you, eh? In my day, DK Vine was neon- and proud! 0/5
Thank you judges, Namco everybody!
That's japanese for "Bebop".
Our next contestant is an internal Nintendo team, it's EAD Tokyo! Now, we know they're currently working hard on the next 3D Mario platformer, and is likely to
continue making those for the foreseeable future. HOWEVER, if Nintendo doesn't want to burn them out on the plumber (let alone burn US out), it wouldn't be
surprising to see them return to the Donkey Kong series!
The creators of Donkey Kong Jungle Beat may not be everyone's first choice, but if given the license back I could see them attempting a more tradional DKC
styled platforer to follow-up Retro's game. They've shown with their Mario Galaxy games that they CAN respect and celebrate a franchise's past, but can they bring the
same energy back to the DKC series?
Naw dawg, I'm sorry man I ain't feelin' it. They sound too japanese man, I mean like, what was even with
Jungle Beat dawg? Sorry man, it's a no from me. 1/5
Hmmm, sorry babe, that just wasn't very good. You gave it your best though so don't give up! Positivity! 2/5
Bongo controls?! When I said I only needed two buttons, I didn't mean to make it look like a stupid hippie's miniature drum! What am I, Matthew McConaughey?
And what's with those snow penis things? Pah! Ooh, look at this, DK Vine has a twitter! In my day, we kept our stupid thoughts to ourselves, and we were better off for it!
No need for constant social networking, if you had something to say, you'd walk ten miles to tell somebody- uphill! 0/5
Er, thank you judges. Next up is Good-Feel Games!
This came up in a google search for "good feel". I don't know what to make of it.
These guys are the minds behind Kirby's Epic Yarn and the upcoming Yoshi's Yarn game. Before that they made a 2D platformer revival in Wario Land Shake It... it's not hard
to imagine that once they're done with Yoshi, they'd want to tackle another 2D platformer! Some have said that their games don't quite capture the feeling of the franchises
they're trying to; could they turn that around if they handled Donkey Kong Country?
They're certainly not the highest tier developer out there, but at the least they bring unique art styles to their games. The idea of putting an artistic spin on the game
does sound appetizing- I could get behind a hand-drawn art style a la Shake It! Let's go to our judges panel:
Sorry dawg, I'm really not feeling this one. You're doing your thing man, and I respect that, but it just doesn't feel
like DKC to me man. 2/5
I disagree with Funky, I think you're doing a great job! Your games are cute and 2D and fun and cute! 4/5
Yarn this, yarn that. In my day we didn't have yarn... we had to make our own by winding vines together! Oh look at the cute little yarn gmaes- pah! What's next- Macaroni
Art Metroid? Star Fox Finger Painter? What, you me to put that on the fridge, do ya? Go get a real job and stop wasting my time with your fluffy duffy yarn games! 0/5
THANK YOU, judges. Ahem. Up next is Monster Games!
Monster Games just finished up the 3DS port of Donkey Kong Country Returns... they've reworked the engine for the handheld and have all those assets at their disposal- why not
just make a sequel? They've already take a crack at new levels, so in theory they're capable of making a whole game. However, does the "New Mode" inclusion fly in the face
of the series characteristic difficulty? Also, due to their relative inexperience (they're no Retro Studios), it's likely that Nintendo would lord over them tightly and exert
control over the project, which these days tends to be a bad thing. Judges, thoughts?
Yo dawg, that's tight, that's tight. I can dig it. You know, it's not the best option I've seen, but you know man I think
you could do a good job naw'm sayin'? 3/5
That was great! I think you'd do a fantastic job, I think you're great and I wanna see more of you in the future. 5/5
New Mode?! Look at all the fancy new ways they made the game easy for wamby pampy kids these days! Y'know, with all the time they spent making the game playable for these
wussy kids, they could've made more levels! Or heck, I don't know, a new game! What's with these ports and remakes these days? When I buy a game, I don't expect I'm gonna have to
pay for it 4 more times across different consoles! These days you have to pay for each game three times, and get new ones three times less often! Why-
(irritated)- THANK YOU JUDGES. It's time for the next contestant... Camelot!
Don't worry, we don't hold this against them.
Known mainly for the Mario Tennis and Mario Golf series, these guys have come out and said they'd like to make a Donkey Kong game (specifically, a sequel to DK64). It's hard to tell
how it'd turn out gameplay wise (aside form being 3-Dimensional, which I'm wholeheartedly in favor of!), but at the very least we can expect good looking cutscenes and characters full
of personality. They've got the right style of humor, and at the very least seem to understand the DK series well enough. If nothing else, Camelot's DK game would be interesting!
Yeah dawg, y'know what that sounded great man. I'm tellin' you, this is a winner right here dawg. 4/5
Oh my, how great! I loved that, I love you, I think you're a great choice! I'm the easily pleased one! 5/5
Tennis?! Golf?! In my day there was one sport game, Donkey Kong Hockey, and I beat Mario's honkey ass up and down the ice! There's too many sports games these days. And you know what?
There's too many audio shows too! In my day, the radio only had one channel, and if we didn't like what was on then tough tuchis! Now you've got all the audio shows your heart desires, and you
don't appreciate anything! 0/5
And now, our final contestant- Next Level Games!
This one may seem like a bit of an oddball since they've never made a DK game before, but I think they've got as good a chance as any! Next Level Games developed the Mario Strikers series for
Nintendo, a cameo game that adopts a unique style and art direction instead of the cut and paste aesthetic of some. The games included DK and Diddy as captains, but more notably, all teams goalkeepers
were Kritters! Not really sure why, other than them being fans of Donkey Kong Country. Another game they made, the Wii revivial of Nintendo's classic Punch-Out! was also notable for having DK
as a secret boss with spot on personality and design. Their most recent game was Luigi's Mansion: Dark Moon, another faithful revival of a Nintendo franchise with personality. One more point: Next Level and
Monster Games are the only developers on this list that are western, and historically speaking, japanese developers haven't been able to really capture the feel of Donkey Kong Country. Judges, what do
I don't get it, but I don't complain
This game is classic NES fan jizz-bait.
Luigi's Mansion may have nothing to do with DKC but... wait what the fuck?
Yo dawg, that was tight! Damn, I was really feelin' it man, Luigi's Mansion is my shit dawg. 5/5
I completely agree, you did a fantastic job, that was one of the most convincing performances ever. I'm really agreeable. 5/5
Ah, Punch-Out, now THAT'S a game! I was in Punch-Out, don'tcha know? Classic difficulty, classic simplicity, classic racism, that game had it all! 0/5
...You seemed to like them Cranky, why another zero?!
Because nobody should make another DKC! I've been waiting way longer than you whiny brats for Donkey Kong Arcade Returns, but no! Nope, no
acknowledgement for MY achievements! Bah, this fandom is weak anyway, don't know why I'm even on this ugly red and black site in the first place! Why in my day-
ALL RIGHT, thank you Cranky, and thank you to all of our judges! Well, there you have it folks, you've now heard about our 7 developers, and now
it's time for YOU to decide! All you need to do is pick the company you want to vote for, and send a tweet to @dkvine with the tag #DKCidol and tell us who
YOU think should develop the next DKC. Don't forget to tune in next week where we'll announce the winner! Goodnight America.