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Column 0 (May 14, 2003)
E³ 200³
Well glory be! Hello, and welcome to the pre-debut column of Liberal
Bias, a column railing against the conservative's stranglehold of America.
Well, that's what it was going to be, until I realized John Ashcroft would
probably carry me away kicking and screaming to a detention center, and
that's no fun, is it? So, I decided to scrap the whole damn idea and instead
make the topic of choice the Donkey Kong Universe (however, I was too lazy
to change the name). You should all know what the Donkey Kong Universe is by
now if you're at this site, so I shant explain. Liberal Bias will run
exclusively on Donkey Kong's Jungle Vine (www.dkvine.com) until my site,
Donkey Kong Universe, debuts. The old columns will remain on the Vine, but
they'll also come with me over to the new site, where new columns will reside
exclusively until I shut the place down to start a web cartoon. Well, let's
start this little shindig...
The Dissapointments, The Outrage, and The Police Brutality of E³ 2003: The
Electronic Entertainment Expo is gearing up in Los Angeles, and while the
actual convention doesn't begin until today, we've already had a plethora of
news, screenshots, and surprises. To simplify things for me, I'm going to
plow through everything we've found out so far, in glorious numbered style.
If there's a surprise yet to unfold, I'll touch on that next week (and
hopefully it will touch me back). So if you need a robust, dry-roasted recap
of what DKU news we have, and you want my cynical ramblings as the coffee
creamer, keep reading. If not, then please go wank yourself on the Bible.
1: Conker: Live and Uncut (Xbox). Rareware's only for certain DKU game at E³
is probably the biggest DKU game at the show, and for good reason. It
features the much anticipated return of Conker the squirrel, who we last saw
depressed, broken, and drunk. We've all been waiting to find out what
happens to him next, but this might not be the game to do that. Instead,
think of this as Conker's Bad Fur Day 1.5 instead of Conker 2, because the
game will feature a "director's cut" version of Bad Fur Day, revamped with
sweet Xbox graphics and sound, bulging at the hip with content that was
deemed by Nintendo to be too raunchy even for the Mature rated N64 game.
While we may not get any information on what follows the worst day of
Conker's life, we'll no doubt be seeing some juicy new tidbits on what
actually happened during that horrible 24 hour period. The main draw of the
game, however, is it's multi-player, which now takes center stage. Live and
Uncut will be the first online DKU game (through the magic of Xbox Live, of
course), allowing all of us Rareware fans to murder one another around the
world. The multiplayer will be team-driven, and will have storyline elements
bundled into it revolving around the Willow Woods army at war with the Tediz.
This all begs the question... will Conker's online multiplayer take place
within continuity, and if so, will this serve as a semi-sequel until we get
Conker Live 2?
Some may be dissapointed that we're not getting a true sequel right off the
bat, but look at like this. Due to Nintendo's tireless attempts to squash
Bad Fur Day when it was released in March of 2001, not many people played it.
A sequel to Conker would have to play off the mind-blowing ending of the
original, and if nobody played the original, how could the sequel be a
success? This will serve as a polished education of the Conker saga
(post-Pocket Tales) to the world, and it will finally reach it's target
audience: anyone old enough to play it. Nintendo was only advertising it to
perverts and night owls, but hell, we all know that they're bastards. So,
let's hear about what THEY have to offer!
2. Donkey Kong Country (GBA). When screenshots of this game first came out,
it looked like rubbish. This was Nintendo porting a Rare game without using
Rare's original hi-res graphics. It only looked slightly above the GBC port
of Donkey Kong Country (released in late 2000), and most DKU fans were
screaming bloody hell at the infidel Nintendo. That was then, this is now.
Nintendo must have been working overtime on this one, because it looks
sweeter than a pierced nipple on Sunday. The graphics are very, very close
to the original SNES version, and they've took the initiative to improve the
empty backgrounds. While the jury is still out on this one, it's finally
looking worthy enough to carry the name of Donkey Kong Cuntry... I mean
Donkey Kong Country. Wait, was that a typo, or a freudian slip? One of
these days I plan on losing my virginity, you know...
3. Mario & Donkey Kong (GBA). What the hell? For months we've heard about a
game called "Donkey Kong+," but is nothing more than juiced up version of
Donkey Kong '94, the last DK game before the DKU was born in Donkey Kong
Country (got it right this time), and you could hook up to the GameCube and
make your own levels, or some such. Today, out of nowhere, comes this
apparent makeover of the said game, and guess what? It features Rare's
Donkey Kong, the 30-something DK Jr. Now, we all know that DK and Mario are
now pals (real manly men who do hairy macho things like play tennis and play
board games), so why are they going at it like it was DK Sr. and Mario (don't
say Nintendo doesn't understand continuity... just humor me)? Furthermore,
this game looks like it doesn't really contain traditional DK arcade
gameplay, and it appears Pauline is nowhere to be found... so what's going on
here? It's hard to say, really, but this is one to keep an eye on. Of
historical importance though... it's the first cameo game with Donkey Kong IN
the title!
4. Mario Kart Double Dash!! (GCN). This game has been known for a few weeks
now, and we've only gotten slightly different screenshots at E³. I've
already blown my load of early excitement for the game (Diddy would make even
the most harderned stud climax early), but today we found out that one course
will take place on water, as well as a Wario Stadium-type arena. Water?
Diddy? Oh my God, Nintendo just innovated themselves right into Diddy Kong
Racing!
5. Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour (GCN). We have somewhat dissapointing news
that the game might not make it outside of Japan until autumn, but that's not
too earth-shattering, considering what the game is. Yes, it's a sequel to
the N64's Mario Golf, and we haven't found out too much today, besides the
first screenshots of the revamped graphics. Donkey Kong looks severely
better than he did on the N64 (when he was nothing more than a muddy blob
with pipe-cleaner arms), and despite ocassionally flashing the accursed
toothy grin, he gets my thumbs up. Plus, there's a tropical course that may
or may not take place on Donkey Kong Island. Toadstool Tour will also
connect with...
6. Mario Golf: Advance Tour (GBA). This will be the RPG equivalent of
Toadstool Tour, much like Mario Golf (GBC) was to the original. While there
aren't any other details or screenshots, I think it's safe to assume that
you'll be training at a golf academy, blah blah blah, and then you'll
eventually face off with Mario. Hopefully they'll shake it up this time
around and go with a story that actually involves the GCN golfers instead of
only having them appear at the end.
7. Mario Party 5 (GCN). You fucking cows, you've done it again. After this,
Mario Party 6 better be the last Mario Party game, or I swear... I'm going to
hunt the creators down and murder them all... in Conker: Live and Uncut!
Anyway, the screenshots look practically identical to Mario Paty 4, and the
award-winning storyline will involve saving Dream World or something. New
game boards! New playable characters (come on Diddy... you're the only thing
that can save this fucking train wreck now...)! More than 60 new mini-games
(like the all new "Press Buttons" and "Repition Rally!")! Same old lousy
premise we've seen four-and-a-half other times! There will be 3-D board maps
and something called the "Koopa Kid Brigade," which will supposedly speed up
the single-player mode by having you play against a trio of Koopa Kids
(instead of CPU versions of Mario, Luigi, etc.?) that all take their turn at
the same time. By Koopa Kids, once has to wonder if they mean Baby Bowsers
or the Koopa Kids from Super Mario Bros. 3 and Super Mario World. It should
be noted that in reference to the new characters, Nintendo has said that they
are debuting "for the first time in a Mario game." Does this mean brand NEW
characters, or characters like Diddy, Dixie, Link, Kirby, and so forth? No
matter, expect this hell on earth by the end of the year.
8. Star Fox 2 (GCN). StarFox Adventures was Rare's last Nintendo game, and
the straw that broke the talking camel in the lava world's back. When
Nintendo forced Rare to change their new franchise Dinosaur Planet into a
Star Fox game, Rare was quickly ready to get in bed with Microsoft when they
came calling. No matter, because of the inclusion of Tricky from Diddy Kong
Racing, it made the game DKU, and introduced a shebang of new characters, one
of them being Krystal the fox. Well, when Namco was handed the reigns of the
next Star Fox game, they apparently wanted to continue the story Rare started
and include Krystal (bravo! Are you listening Miyamoto?). Star Fox 2
(tentative title) will be more of a traditional Star Fox game, but will also
feature some ground-walking and vehicle hopping. Since apparently all of the
SFA characters now belong to Nintendo, will we see some other faces in this
game? What about Tricky (who, technically, Rare could still own to a certain
degree... but I'll touch on that in a future column)? Anyway, this was a
real surprise DKU game of E³, and while the graphics don't look as sharp as
SFA, nobody rarely tops Rare (ha, I made a funny), and the game is still in
early development.
9. Those AWOL Bastards, And The Rest (GCN, GBA, Xbox). Now let's discuss
some of the no-shows at E³, as well as the possible DKU games that were
shown. I'll do the latter first, and talk about Grabbed By The Ghoulies.
Rare finally unveiled the game yesterday, and it looks like Mad Monster
Mansion on steroids. Made by the Banjo-Kazooie team, it could possibly be
DKU through a surprise cameo (such as Tiptup appearing), but there's one
thing going against that theory. The Grim Reaper is in the game, and he's
not Gregg. Oh well. Donkey Kong GCN (aka Donkey Kong Island or Donkey Kong
'Next'), which was even announced at some point to be at the show, instead
decided to stay in Japan where it could suck Ramune soda and candy.
Spaceworld, perhaps? I'm kind of dreading seeing what this game will turn
out like, since it's Nintendo's first stab at the former Rare franchise. If
I see one damn backpack on any of the Kongs, I'll start lactating and become
WOMAN. Also not showing up was Rare's Stampede (the reworked Donkey Kong
Racing engine, rumored to star Sabreman but include a hoard of Rare
characters), Banjo Kazooie: Grunty's Revenge, and (the most probably
canceled) Donkey Kong Coconut Crackers and Diddy Kong Pilot.
In closing, E³ 2003 was almost as busy as E³ 2001 was for the DKU, but this
time it's taking it in a drastically different direction, what with the
increased Mario influence and Rare placing the spinoff characters (minus the
SFA cads) on the Xbox. Unlike the 2001 show, let's just hope that the
majority of these games don't get canceled, okay? Criminy Christ, I want my
Coconut Crackers...
Remember to watch Perfect Strangers on Nick at Nite,
Slush
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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