As we all eagerly await the next entry in the Donkey Kong series, we also wonder what the plot could entail. A common criticism of the series is of its recycled banana-thievery plotline (even though it's rarely that simple)... so what story should be told next?

I may be a fan of Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong accessories, but I'm an even bigger fan of great films. Consequently, I've combined my two passions and listed several movie plots that would be even better with monkeys.

We all know how Indiana Jones influenced Donkey Kong Country, and how DKC2 was a preemptive adaptation of LOST, but here are my picks for 7 movie plots that should be in Donkey Kong games:


The Terminator

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On second thought, while asking for a good sequel, the Terminator series isn't the best place to look...
I like time travel. A lot. And although it's really hard to write time travel that actually makes sense, I want a DK game to try. So why not emulate one of the most iconic time travel stories of all time? What if an advanced new baddie traveled back in time to kill Donkey Kong's mother before he was born (as advanced baddies are prone to do)? Naturally, DK would then follow this enemy in order to protect his baby self.

Of course, being a time travel storyline, DK would pretty much be obligated to knock up his own mom, who then dies giving birth to him. Cranky raises his grandchild, and the age old question of who DK's father really is would be answered, with 100% more incest-fueled time paradox than expected!

While we're at it...

After this time travelling enemy fails to kill DK, why not have him run for governor of a nearby island? After all, a ruthless, power seeking, evil-being would fit right into the world of politics! Besides, after this his action career is all downhill anyway. (I'm referring to Robert Patrick, obviously.)




Planet of the Apes OR 2001: A Space Odyssey

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Just keep Tim Burton the fuck away from it.
What if a DK game depicted the origin of the Kong's intelligence? Kubrick's masterpiece has a great explanation: Aliens did it. Well, it's a little more profound than that, but you get the idea. Seeing a Donkey Kong game portray 2001's iconic Monolith would please me to no end.

Alternatively, the Planet of the Apes has a bit of a more grounded ape origin. Instead, these primates were genetically engineered as slaves to humanity, after which they rebelled and overtook their masters. Kinda fits in with the Donkey Kong arcade themes of the hero Cranky fighting off the evil human invaders, but it doesn't fit well in the timeline, in which the Kongs have existed for millennia. But hey, there's also a great deal of TIME TRAVEL involved, so who's to say that the Kong's ancient ancestors weren't actually engineered in the future.

While we're at it...

Kubrick's classic had some other great ideas as well. For instance, why not make Lanky Kong become a Starchild? OR, how about a sentient A.I. killing one of the more obnoxious characters in deep space? "I'm afraid I can't allow that, Tiny."

And as for the Apes, I'd like to see a DK game in which Donkey returns from a wacky time travelling adventure, only to find that the DK Island head has been replaced with K. Rool's. YOU MANIACS!




Star Wars

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All I'm good for is non-creative K. Rool photoshops.
If you ignore the prequels, the story of Darth Vader is one of a celebrated hero who is corrupted by the temptations of evil*. Tell me that wouldn't be awesome to adapt to a DK game? What if DK fell to the "dark side", if you will? It'd be Diddy Kong's ultimate challenge: An unholy union of King K. Rool and Donkey Kong himself. Imagine, DK turning evil while still being the active ruler of the island. In the reign of the Evil Donkey Kong Empire, the Kongs are rebels and the Kremlings have free walk of the place! Of course, he'd have to be redeemed by the end of the game, but having to actually fight the protagonist of the series would be a unique turn of events for the genre.
*And if you don't, it's the story of an insufferable douchebag who becomes Robocop in space.

While we're at it...

If Cranky is DK's grandfather who raised him like a son, then I want to know who his real father is. And who wouldn't shit their pants if King K. Rool himself pulled a Vader and revealed that he he was the missing Kong generation all this time?

...Just kidding.

Or AM I?!?

... but really, that would be shit.




Starship Troopers

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Not pictured: A satisfying BONK sound effect.
Bugs. Bugs are awesome. Bugs are the perfect enemy; their hive mind mentality makes for a truly ruthless and daunting threat. I want DK and pals to face a vicious insect armada because insects have so much going for them; they always come in massive numbers, and they are extremely adaptable. They can be made to fly, burrow, or swim; they can have hard shells, spines, and stingers; they can lay eggs, suck blood, and even morph into different forms. And they have a queen, which is perfect for an enemy because it gives a clear final villain whose defeat would spell the end of the whole species. That's exciting AND convenient. The bottomline is, an invasive infestation of insects would be a great enemy for DK to face.

While we're at it...

During the course of this insect attack, what if one of the bugs drained Tiny Kong's brain with a massive proboscis? It'd be a metaphor for fascism!




Alien/Predator/Prometheus series'

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Slap some Kremling faces on all the statues, and you've got a solid temple design.
A melding of these films plots would create a fairly exciting adventure for DK. It'd begin with the heroic ape following a distress call to a strange, seemingly deserted place. But there's more to this place than it seems, as DK is soon stalked by a strange alien Kremling species while he tries to discover more about what happened. Toss in a bit of "profound origin story" from Prometheus, and you've got the recipe for a thrilling adventure with deep themes.

Also, acid blood. Dat shit badass.

While we're at it...

What if there were TWO alien species, and it's revealed that one of them created the other for hunting, and there could be a pyramid in the arctic, and Lance Henriksen could be there... on second thought, FUCK Alien Vs. Predator. However, I do like the idea of a hybrid of the two species bursting out of Tiny's chest...




The Silence of the Lambs

Now hear me out, I'm not suggesting turning Donkey Kong into a psychological thriller about cannibalism. But what I do find intriguing about The Silence of the Lambs is the fact that Jodie Foster, in trying to catch a psychopath, is forced to team-up with another psychopath. What if DK begrudgingly seeks K. Rool's help in taking down an even worse threat? All the while, K. Rool is secretly plotting his escape and messing with DK psychologically. We've always wanted a DK and Kiddy Kong team-up for the sake of exploring a heavy character paired with a heavy character, but what if that role was filled by the Kremling King himself?

While we're at it...

What if K. Rool kills Tiny Kong, and then wears her skin like a Tiny-suit? ...Damn you Rule 34!

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You can thank Chad McCanna for this idea...



Se7en

WHAT'S IN THE BOX, MAN? WHAT'S IN THE BOOOOX?!?
Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and Dixie should've been in DK64." I agree with the second part.




A melding of classic cinema and monkeys by Jeff Onan