Like many hardened stalwarts of the Donkey Kong fan community, I am an unashamedly bonkers-massive fan of the Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games series; I certainly don't think, for example, that it's a tragic waste of a nigh-on unheard of crossover game between two formerly bitterly rival mascots, or indeed that it's a shameful waste of my brain's visual receptors to even look at the games for a single nanosecond. I don't think those things. Those are not the things that I think.
"Hooray for the Nazis!"
You can surely imagine the nipple-twanging excitement that rippled through (what remains of) my nervous system when I heard through the grapevine—for grapevine-based communication is the only form of communication considered acceptable at www.DKVine.com—that Nintendo and Sega were to bless us once more with yet another glorious entry to the series before the end of the year. I'm only human! I've got urges. I did what any Donkey Kong fan would do; I did what any Donkey Kong fan almost definitely did do: I spanked the ol' monkey.
And then I wanked on it.
However, as the news trickled out along with my own genetic material, things, as so often they do, turned sour. I hadn't been eating enough pineapples, I reckon. The announcement came in June of this year at a fairly low-profile Nintendo Direct presentation, but it's not until now that I've been able to compose myself sufficiently to write about it in my capacity as a respectable video games journalist at a respectable internet publication. Because I'm writing this article as an appeal to both Nintendo and Sega. Don't allow us, the Donkey Kong fan community, to be so cruelly deprived of our favourite Nintendo series that definitely isn't shit. Please, Nintendo and Sega, withdraw your support of an ideology that promotes hatred and violence. Withdraw your support for the Nazi Germany 1936 Olympic Games.
Hands up if you're in a shit video game!
Reportedly the game will boast the following features (the below extracted from Nintendo's press release):
Peach is disapproving of Mario's moustache and reckons she has an idea of how it could be improved.
• Winners are awarded medals as usual, but this game introduces the ALL NEW firing squad feature, for all losers contaminating the gene pool with their inadequacies.
• New events include Interrogating a Prisoner, Shouting Racial Slurs and Doing the Funny John Cleese Walk from that Episode of Fawlty Towers.
• The Mii playable character will make its return, but it's only accepted into the competition if it's white, blond haired and blue eyed. Or if it's one of those funny Hitler Miis that everyone makes.
• The soundtrack will consist solely of Richard Wagner's entire back-catalogue, occasionally interspersed with different versions of Deutschland Über Alles.
• The Wario Bros' connection with the Third Reich (which DK Vine foresaw over a decade ago) is explored further, with the much-rumoured third Wario brother, Nazio (it's a clever pun* on "Mario" and "Nazi"), to be introduced in this game in full SS regalia.
• Nintendo has acquired the rights to Conker antagonist Professor Von Kripplespac from Microsoft/Rare, with a view to repurposing the character's parody of Nazism into something that can be taken entirely at face value.
• LGBT couple Birdo and Yoshi are arrested in the opening cutscene for their irresponsible "promotion of homosexuality".
Naturally, of course, everyone at DK Vine was thoroughly taken aback, seeing Nintendo and Sega so brazenly waving the flag for fascism in 2013; but DK Vine is nothing if not a noble upholder of its principles! We decided to contact Nintendo directly. Here's what happened.
So there you have it. We've done our bit. Join us in the fight! Harass Nintendo with your e-mails and phonecalls! And let us know if they're any more forthcoming with their responses. Let's get our favourite mascot-based, multi-sports, Olympics-themed, Wii U exclusive, crossover series back on track! (Well, second-favourite anyway.)
For our part, we can only hope that the LGBT oppression and egregious human rights violations seen in this game will all be a thing of the past once Mario and Sonic travel to Sochi.
An appeal by Matt, based on an idea stolen from his sexy best friend Cobley (from off of the band "Cobley"). Other ideas stolen from Chad and Hyle.
* Actually, in the original Japanese it's even cleverer because it combines the word "naz", meaning "I am a", and "io", meaning "paedophile".
Disclaimer: None of the things said in this article about Nintendo and Sega are true (but everything it teaches us about Nintendo and Sega is true).