The 4th Annual DKU Not-So-New Years Forecast
2003 - Looking Ahead Through Miles of Swamp Gas



2002 has come and passed us by, showing us many images. Some foul, some not so foul. The year was full of shake-ups, the most notable, of course, being Rare's bitchslap by Nintendo and subsequent joining up with the ladies and dollars of Microsoft. The DKU was effectively torn in two, and the Vine would of had a field day covering it.

Except for the fact that the Vine was down for 6 months altogether. Ahem.

Now that we're back, we've also learned that a lot has happened during our lousy downtime. So we have, in a good, easy to access format, (ha ha) a thorough (ha ha ha) list of everything DKU that should hopefully see release this year. (HA HA HA HA!)



1: Donkey Kong Country (Game Boy Advance)
Hey, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go... Ah, a port of Donkey Kong Country. Again. Proving once again that the Port Boy Advance never grows tired of the old, this game returns with...horrible graphics. I'm sorry, but it just doesn't look right. Of course the game had to be toned down somewhat, and Nintendo only has access to the low-res version of the game, but this title doesn't really impress any of us at the Vine. Hopefully they will improve by the game's release.

Of more important note is the fact that several mini-games are being added, so it's not a COMPLETE re-hash. There's a fishing game and a DK Rap bonus game, among others, and some of them look familiar from DKC GBC that was released some time back. Which is another reason this is disappointing - we JUST had a port of this game not that long ago, do we really need another? It's a question you'll have to ask yourself. Just be glad you don't work here, because we're forced to buy the game whether we like it or not to review it!
The Wow-O-Meter Ranking: 4/10



2: Mario Kart GAMECUBE (GAMECUBE)
Mario proudly displays his homosexual pride. Well, this is a fickle one, and make no mistake. Recent news indicates that the game is all but done, and yet we haven't seen any screenshots except some crappy beta shots from way back in E3 2001. This game should feel lucky: with DoKR cancelled, it has no real contender for the throne of "Best Nintendo Mascot Racer" (course, the fanboys would name it victorious anyway, but I disgress) Little is actually known about the game, so we can't give it a higher or lower score than last year. Here's hoping that DK brings some assistance this time, though. (Hey, a guy can dream.)
The Wow-O-Meter: 6/10



3: Mario Golf GAMECUBE (GAMECUBE)
DK shows mock enchantment at Mario's display, more interested with his seemingly massive chin. Well, it's golf. And it's Mario. And it combines the two, probably has a crapload of minigames, and DK Jr. The end.
Well, maybe not. What else is there to say? Waluigi will probably appear, we might see DK Jr and Baby Mario again (and Baby Bowser, who knows), and the raping of the DK series will continue on. There's no stopping these bastards, ya know?
The Wow-O-Meter: 6/10



4: Mario Tennis GAMECUBE (GAMECUBE)
Bowser poses for the cover of 'Insipid Nintendo Foes Monthly'. Oh joy. THIS one's coming back. Like we needed another one! The original still leaves bad tastes in our mouths: a grating 1-player quest, little to no replay value, and DONKEY KONG JR.! ARGH! Ahem. There really isn't much to anticipate here: expect DK Jr, expect more Pong-isms, and expect Wa-versions of every Mario character in existance. Poo on you, Camelot.
The Wow-O-Meter: 4/10



5: Donkey Kong GAMECUBE (GAMECUBE)
? It's been all but confirmed. With Rare gone and the franchise back in the capable (ha) hands of Shigeru Miyamoto, we DKU fans have entered the most frustrating waiting game of all. Will this game be what we want? Will fan favourites Diddy, Cranky, Dixie and K.Rool come back? Will the franchise be damned to spend the rest of eternity as a piss-poor offshoot of the Mario series? Will DK wear a shitty gimmick backpack, somehow made by E.Gadd even though he lives in another dimension? Nobody knows for sure. Whatever it's going to be, it's going to be huge. HUGE.
The Wow-O-Meter: 8/10



But that's not all, oh ho no! E3's just around the corner, and with that comes plenty more games to be annouced and, as a result, dissected by us and the fandom at large. What follows are the tales of games that might come out this year, but probably won't. Learn them, know them, love them.



*Banjo-Threeie (Xbox)
? Ah, Banjo-Threeie. Or whatever it ends up being called. We know it's coming, Rare's supposedly still working on Grunty's Revenge and we've seen Banjo popping up in several videos, but we just don't know when. Actually, we don't know anything. Except it will star Banjo and Kazooie. Probably. Will Grunty return? Erm, it's anyone's guess. Probably. Will it be located anywhere near the locales of the previous games, or will it introduce an entirely new area? Probably. What's that you say? I'm dodging the questions? Probably.
The Wow-O-Meter: 6/10



*Conker's Other Bad Day (Xbox)
? I think it's safe to say that this is the one game on here that we can truly anticipate with no gnawing fears. Conker's Bad Fur Day was without a doubt one of the best games on the N64 (if not THE best, Zelda be damned), and with any luck, the sequal could only improve on this. Who knows where the story could go? Conker's in a depressed rut, he's the king of Willow Woods, and there's still plenty of loose ends to fix up, the biggest being that Don Weazo, who killed Berri in cold blood, is still at large. There's no telling where Rare (hehe) could take the game, but whatever it is, it'll be sure to kick Super Mario 128's ass.
The Wow-O-Meter: 9/10



Alrightie. So ends our first and hopefully last Not-So-New Years forecast. Despite all that we've written, nobody knows what will go down this year. Only time, God, Q, and a handful of other omnipotent freakazoids know for sure. Damn, I hate omnipotent freakazoids.