Disappointing Necrophiliacs The World Over:
The DKU New Year's Forecast 2008
So help us all, another "revival" of a yearly feature back in the good ol' days of the Vine. Since 2003 we've had our fair share of good, bad, and just flat out crap. 2007 proved to have a very good year in the DKU with the advent of two DK titles, 3 Virtual Console titles, few Cameo titles, and a new franchise becoming DKU again. But! Will 2008 prove to continue the DKU's recent gaming streak? Lock up your son and shoot your daughter, because that's what you're going to find out about in these next minutes of your life!
1: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Be honest. Is there any doubt on anyone's mind that this game won't change the way we look at Cameo games, let alone games themselves, period? With a Stage Editor, a more enhanced Single Player mode, Diddy Kong, online-play, Diddy Kong, Co-Op mode, new levels, and Diddy Kong, this game is sure to literally consume every social aspect of your life and not let go until it spits you back out when it damn well feels like it. Sure, we may bitch about every update that we don't like now, but deep down inside, we all know the truth: It's going to be amazing. It's going to be the best 50 dollars spent in a number of years. You're going to love the fuck out of this game the moment you all get it early this year and put it in your Wiis. Be careful you don't slice it by mistake.
The Wow-O-Meter Ranking: A full 10/10. (Again, was there any doubt?)
2: Mario Kart Wii
Announced last E3, this new version of the series seems to take its roots from Mario Kart Double Dash!! from the screenshots released and "improving" it with the addition of motorcycles and online play supporting up to 12 players including the battle mode conveniently absent from Mario Kart DS. Old tracks from previous games will also come back in this game in shiny new Wii paint as evidenced from the Moo Moo Farm level. At the end of the day, this is still Mario Kart, which means that there will always be a group of people that will love the hell out of it regardless of how good or bad it is. The game can literally rape you with blue shells with each yard you drive, shock you until you're as good as fried and run over your dog in the process, and fans and critics will still "reward" it with high ratings. To be fair, we know little to nothing about how the game controls, but judging from the last two games (hard-to-find Arcade titles notwithstanding), expectations aren't high for this one. Fool me three times, shame on Nintendo.
The Wow-O-Meter: 6/10
3: Super Mario Stadium Baseball
Announced during October, this Cameo game sets out to do what Mario Strikers Charged did and release the same game in Wii clothing. As with Mario Kart Wii, we hardly know anything about it aside from the fact that DK's in it and yet again Baseball is the theme of the game. However, if Wii controls can make a stale update of a Gamecube game interesting, then by all means count me in. It can't be as basic as Wii Baseball in Wii Sports was, that's for sure.
The Wow-O-Meter: 7/10 (Any higher for a non-Brawl Cameo game and the meter will burn in gorgeous real-time)
4: Viva Pinata DS
Thanks to Loveday's confirmation recently, we finally have something to look forward to that's not a Cameo title. Announced last year at the Comic Con event in San Francisco, Viva Pinata DS allows you to raise your digital paper mache animals on the go in the same matter as Viva Pinata on the 360/PC. Not content with just doing that, Rare's added a few new modes to it, such as the Sandbox mode (easy access to your Pinatas) and the Episode mode (which ties to the TV show of the same name sans the game system suffix at the end). Claimed to be available "soon" by Rare, I'd be heavily surprised if it wasn't available sometime in 2008. Sadly all is not like the 360 version. Unfortunately, there will not be a Wi-Fi option to send Pinatas to other players. Instead you'll only be able to do so locally. It's not something to bring a rope and chair with you to end it all, but it's a disappointment in itself considering that it was always fun to get mail from your friends after seeing what everyone else got, only to see a Raisant with a monocle come out. It's certainly something to bring the total on the Wow-O-Meter down.
The Wow-O-Meter: 8/10 (R.I.P. Wi-Fi mode)
Wait, that's not all! Even though they haven't been confirmed for this year, life's always full of surprises, and the DKU's no different. Gaze into the monitor and see what there might be in store for us soon:
*Banjo-Kazooie 3/Threeie/Needsanamie (Xbox 360)
After Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the DKU seems to be a bit barren in what we have to look forward to. Sure, Viva Pinata DS will be filled with fun, and the other Cameo titles will range from decent to us asking why they bothered once again, but in terms of hits we have nothing. Except of course, for the third coming of bird and bear. We've had our fun speculating what's going to happen in the third game from the snippets Scribes has been providing, but next to the trailer shown at X06, we still don't know much about it. We know Jolly Roger's in the game. We know Gruntilda will be back. We know the new look is here to stay. We also know that Rare plans to talk about it this year, but whether it will actually be released this year for the 10th anniversary of the Banjo franchise is up in the air at this point. You know how Rare is with their release dates. Needless to say, this'll be one title to anticipate information from with bated breath.
The Wow-O-Meter: 9/10
*Mario Party 9 (Wii)
You know it's coming. After Mario Party 8 became the best selling title of the series to date and Mario Party DS still selling like hotcakes in Japan (seriously, what's in their water supply), Nintendo will no doubt put in another installment of the franchise. You know how they love milking despite there being no quality milk in the udders of the Mario Party cash cow.
And watch it still not have online play.
The Wow-O-Meter: 1/10 (Make it fucking stop)
Well, that's it for the New Year's Forecast for 2008. Besides Brawl, it seems that Rare will step in this upcoming year and make their DKU title(s if Banjo 3 is released this year) worth our while as the Cameo titles will either impress or unimpress. For now it seems that most is safe in our lovely red and black universe, so with that being said, have a good 2008, and be careful of the spiked drinks. Have a safe New Year!