I Hate Retro Pussies

Let me just say that I am becoming happier with Nintendo than I've been in a long while. With Diddy Kong finally being brought into those dastardly mongrels we call the cameo games, it's becoming apparent that Nintendo is once again pumping the Donkey Kong franchise, putting in more nods and fanwanks in the games then ever before. For us DKC/DKU fans, things couldn't be better.

Unfortunately, the Nintendo fandom does not share our enthusiam. Perhaps it's because of Rare getting busy with Microsoft. Perhaps it's because people still think Donkey Kong 64 was the worst thing since moldy bread. Whatever the reason, I continually run into completely miserable assholes who want Diddy Kong to have nothing to do with the cameo games. And all I can say is: WHY?!

As I said, I run into guys like these all the time, mostly on GameFAQs. (why I still go there I'll never know) Whenever the topic of Diddy is brought up, they get into a major hissy fit and start prancing out reasons why he shouldn't be there, ranging from "he's not a Mario character" (neither is the DKC DK, dumbass), to the most common, "DK Jr. is so much better". I need to stop and think about that for a moment. What the FUCK is so good about DK Jr?! He has no personality! He looks like an idiot! And he wears a fucking leotard for crying out loud! Where is the appeal for this character?! At least when he grows up he loses the women's clothing and gets that snazzy tie. What in god's name could make people think DK Jr. is better than Diddy Kong?

As I've mused, I can only think of two reasons. Reason #1, they despise Rare and everything they created, and Reason #2, they hated the Donkey Kong Countries and only love the arcade stuff. I'm going to be the first to say that the arcade Donkey Kongs are utter shit. They're short, they're tedious, they're frustrating to the point where you can't even get past the first level, and the "holy grail" of the franchise, Donkey Kong '94, gets boring 4 worlds in. I don't see the appeal to these games. So where the hell do these retro hippies get their arcade love from?

I'd say nostalgia, personally. In every fandom, people who have been around since the beginning will naturally favour the games they played way back when over the games of today. Sometimes it's a good reason, but most of the time, it's nostalgia clouding their vision; their memories of the times they had with the games overshadowing the actual games themselves. It's how people can say that Super Mario Bros. is better than Donkey Kong Country, or how Super Mario 64 is still the best 3-D platformer ever made, even with the Banjos, Conker and even my newfound love, Wario World, in their faces. People don't like the Donkey Kong Countries and Mr. Dids because the memories of making out with a girl right next to a Donkey Kong Jr. machine still burn in the back of their heads. Sure, nostalgia is a nice thing, but letting it cloud your judgement is a bad, bad thing.

One more thing. A lot of these retro lovers are obsessed with the idea that Nintendo will throw out all the DKC stuff and return the franchise to it's "rescue Brooklyn slut from dumb ape" roots. Everytime I see this, I laugh like a giddy fool. Pray tell: if Nintendo was going to be rid of the DKCs forever, then WHY would they having Diddy be in these cameo games? WHY would the DK-related courses in Double Dash!! and Toadstool Tour be more DKC-accurate then any other time in the entirety of the N64's career, when Rare was still with Nintendo? Why would Nintendo be letting Rare work on porting Donkey Kong Country and it's sequels to the Game Boy Advance? If Nintendo is going to get rid of the DKC mythos, THEN WHY ARE THEY GOING OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GET PEOPLE TO REMEMBER IT?!

Oh yeah, and for those of you who still think DK Jr. is so much better than Diddy:

I rest my case.

A simple dictation by Sean.