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Andrey Internationale 2
Another Foreign Telegram
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Message: Well, another edition of Letters sails by us, but what with my being in
Russia and everything, I have no way of getting to my own ripe sendings. Oh
what to do, what to do. And then it came to me like a legless fish. Yank
interesting bits from the newest Letters edition and commentate on them! So,
in the finest tradition of someone who has nothing better to do, here's
Andrey's Foreign Letters Commentary! Ha-har, Sigfried! Send in the first
under-dressed virgin!
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THE SENDERS
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"If Sir Slush went to a train station at 12 o'clock noon,and he was playing
his Game Boy Color and accidentaly went to the traintracks,and a train
coming at 50mph on the left lane and Sir Slush walking half a mile per hour
on the right lane:How long will it take the train to reach at Sir Slush's
position and will it miss Sir Slush or collide into him?"
The train on the left lane would never reach Slush, because it is in the
left lane and he is in the right. Not only that, but because the train is in
the left lane, this means it is travelling AWAY from Slush, meaning that it
would have to go all the way around the world to catch up to him and then
miss him anyway what with being in the wrong lane and all. It's simple,
albeit pointless triganometry, willis!
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"How are you? I am German."
Personally, I'm not as German as I could be these days. What with the
weather and everything, I'm feeling slightly Swedish. Maybe it'll clear up
and everything will be Cambodian again.
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"Grunty's Revenge coming out in stores????????? Thanks for your
time!!!!!!!!!!!!"
This person's adrenaline level is going up by the second. The punctuation
count increased by 3 in only 4 words. At this rate, there would be 27
periods at the end of his first paragraph.
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"You are just joking!!!!!!!!"
Estimated end-of-paragraph period count: 41
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"Dixie has an annoyed expression, and we see why as we look at DK, who's
holding her clothes while laughing. Diddy, meanwhile, is sitting there
gawking at Dixie."
It's the final season of Boy Meets World all over again! Wait...is that show
still going?
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"Umm...does Andrey REALLY hate every other DKU game, or is it merely an
excuse to be evil and maniacal?"
*Evil, manic, over-dramatic soap-opera smile*
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"Here you have all these games that fit perfectly into one 'universe,' your
DKU. And along comes the tv show. Because it doesn't fit the DKU, there is
no attempt to explain it. You just deny its existence."
Did you know there's Zelda porn on the internet where Link is really
stepping "out of character"? It's not made by the same people that made the
games, but by your logic fans should embrace it.
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"How do you pronounce Glimmer?"
Correctly.
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"It's been all Chad, Andrey and Slush at dkvine."
Laugh it up, fuzzball. I'll be back eventually.
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"In Nintendo Power they mentioned that DKP will have hidden characters. Does
anyone have any information about who they are?"
You just said yourself that they were Nintendo Power. What exactly are you
getting at?
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"This is Billy. You may call me the Game Master."
That's true. We may. But first you have to give us at least one legitemate
reason, otherwise we just may call you a knob.
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"If I piss you off really bad, will we get one sooner?
Andrey's gonna be gone for a while, and I really want another!"
Just to keep you on the edge, I'm preparing the most heatless, vile,
demeaning, hateful, discriminative DKU Abuse yet, as we speak. It will be
like nothing anyone in their right mind would dare attempt and all I have to
do is get angry enough to finish it. This Moscow heat might just do the
trick...
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"I actually thought you were cool."
Slush? Cool? What, you mean like his name denotes or socially?
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"*sigh*
In your Pantswatch feature, how did you miss the Ants As Pants code from Jet
Force Gemini? Ingrates...
And don't ask me for a screen. I don't have one. I'm just shocked that you
missed it...
-Nate @ RareOps "
I'm sorry, I had to print this whole thing. I couldn't hold out. He
obviously knows a lot more than I do, I mean, you can see it right off the
bat. It was a brilliant move hiring a replacement that not only doesn't own
DKC, but doesn't know anyone who "still does". RareOps new forums are a
goldmine when you're looking for fun facts like this, by the by, I suggest
you take a look. One should be enough.
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"A Monty Python fan, are you? Got enough shrubberies now?"
It's not the pre-80s Michael Palin "Jabberwocky" days, but it's a start.
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THE RECIEVERS
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"When will there be "plasticy" porn?"
I think you can find something involving a pre-operation Pamela Anderson, if
you look hard enough.
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"I despise writing these letters, and I hate all of you!"
Our Friend comes off a bit D.A.D. but you know he means well.
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"It's the greatest thing since Little Debbie Zebra Cakes."
My Drama teacher doesn't believe those exist. Even after I brought him a
whole package. I think he played the Infinite Dimensions card, but I'm not
sure as the Zebra Cakes really take the liquid from the cochlea.
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"Don't think I didn't notice that Blast Corps and Goldeneye were the same
damn thing."
And it's amazing how original Perfect Dark was made out to be...
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"The answer to Ston 'N' Swop, and all life in general, is 42."
I still haven't read that book. Damn you, small-town bookstores! Damn you!
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"I guess you never played a Virtual Boy, huh?"
Our Friend, on the other hand, was a few indentations, a chip and a wire
away from BEING a Virtual Boy, so he knows what he's talking about.
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"You moron, if you had half a brain you would realise that Sabreman came out
in Ultimate's Sabreman back in the early 80's, making Sabreman's cameo
appearance in Banjo-Tooie pointless and irrelevent to Banjo-Tooie aside from
the fact that it hyped up idiots like you and IGN who thought that his next
game was going to be on the GameCube and not the Gameboy Advance."
Fake Chad is right. Those same people also thought that it might be a hint
at a Killer Instinct sequel, as there is a Sabre WOLF in that and this man's
name is SabreMAN and Rare made both characters up, so...er...those same
people probably think that John F. Kennedy and John Goodman are the same
person.
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"Chad goes missing for three days and sympathy and public rescue attempts
are offered. I "go missing" for a week, and nobody gives a damn."
Hey, I'm missing too. Even if I am still updating the site, posting in the
forums and having occasional chat conversations with you. Come on...I'm in a
country where taperwater is 3 US dollars a glass. Lets have a little
sorrow...
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"There should be a Conker movie."
Nod, nod, nod. *knowing look*
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"Luigi's Mansion looks completely crap."
A dark,gloomy game starring a third-wheel character where your primary goal
is to, conviniently, suck. Sounds like some tainted fun, alright!
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"Stupid people who can't use their own phones or read their phone manuals
are where I draw the line."
My phone manual is in Chinese and the phone itself is shaped like a burrito.
It came with a funny curved metal tool. The buttons are probably inside
somewhere. I DON'T DESERVE IT, BEN, I DON'T!
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Right. Back to the trenches, then. Catch you all on the flip side,
where-ever the hell that is. And yes- I did actually mean trenches.
You don't want to know about my living conditions here, trust me.
-Andrey Internationale
End Message
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Andrey Internationale
A Foreign Telegram
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Message: I don't believe this. I'm half way around the world and am still, basically the only person actually updating. It really is embarrassing. Lets shift that rear, people! Anyway, I hope you're all alright there in the land of the free (except you, Ben). I'm doing well here in the land of the overpriced. My trip was kind-of horrible, though. First, I drove to Seattle, which is a two-hour trip, no less, and I don't even own a GBA. Then there was a delightful three-hour flight to Los Angeles, a place with an airport about as merciful as Satan's mother-in-law. From there it's a good 15 hours to Korea in a plane with cockroaches riding business class. An interesting thing about that plane, though- during the safety demonstration they showed a completely alien hand-held game system with a big red cross on it (that means "No hand-held game systems during flight", by the way. In case Chad is confused). The odd thing was- that game system had DKC playing on its screen. It was clearly the Kongo jungle! Cuh-ray-zee. I tried to confirm this, but couldn't. So you'll have to either take my word for it or hunt me down and slit my wobbly bits. From Korea, I flew to Vladivostok, which hasn't changed at all since last year, despite what someone had clearly attempted with a broom. Everyone here has what is called a "Vladivostok Tan", which is basically a darkening of the skin due to settling dust and auburn colored dirt. Chad- did you know that, in Russia, Red Bull's slogan is "Grab the Bull by the Horns" and it has a 7.8 percent alcohol content? It's true. They call it the strong, American beer. I laughed at them. Now that I think about it, a few things here are a bit different. There are now at least some traffic lights. Even if only one in five works, it's still a step forward. And the light for pedestrians is a lot more convincing than those we get in the west. The little symbol where the man is standing there, not walking, has his feet wide apart and arms on his sides, shoulders out. It seems to say,
"I'm standing here not because of some light, but because I damned well want to stand here." And nobody's gonna argue. Curiously, Nintendo's marketing department has latched its meat-hooks even here and, even though I have yet to actually see them in real life, I have read various mail-order catalogs that have Nintendo key-chains etc for rather pricey sale. A lot of stuff about the "Brothers Mario", but nothing solid about DK. There was some mention of a "Large Monkey" and I'm pretty sure that, if it's him, this wasn't an oversight on the translator's part. Damn those uneducated powder-pushers! No offense, Slush. Well, that's about it from my end. These things have word-limits, apparently, so it's wise to quit while I'm a head. Ahead. Whatever. In a week, I'm off to Moscow and then St. Petersburg. You can look forward to hearing detailed accounts on how that goes in the near future. Along with any complaints I may/WILL have about my trip. I hate travelling in trains where the toilet is a hole in the floor. Don't the feces rebound from the railroad tracks at that speed? Update more often, you knobs! And tell me how this radio thing is going. I don't have the technology here, or indeed the courage, to actually listen. Ta! Oh- and don't show this to the readers.
-Andrey
PS: Don't show a copy of this to the readers either.
PPS: Or a copy of a copy etc etc.
End Message
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Donkey Kong Universe is an independent game news source with no affiliation to Nintendo, Microsoft, or any other developer. All original content copyright © 1999 - 2008 File Two Productions.
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