SHIT Happens

It started with Super Mario Sunshine and Zelda: The Wind Waker. Both games departed from the tried and true formula to bring "innovation" to the series. For Zelda, it resulted in a brand new graphical look that in the end actually benefitted the game and didn't detract much from gameplay. Mario put on a fucking super soaker backpack and fought a ripoff of Metal Sonic and Chaos from the Sonic franchise. Regardless of personal feelings, these two games are the first in what like to call Super Happy Innovation Titles. And since it's Nintendo we're talking about, it didn't stop there...

By now, I'm sure you've all heard the news about our newest addition to the family. It's an wonderful SHIT title called Donkey Konga, and it's about beating drums. I wish I was kidding. The cold hard realization has set in: Nintendo's going to keep screwing us over as long as we buy these stupid things. Now, if there's one thing science fiction has taught us, it's that when you describe the worst in literature, you're mentally prepared for it. So with pitchforks and funny bones at the ready, I march off tonight to help YOU understand some of the completely fucked up game ideas Nintendo is now capable of doing. Be warned: some of these concepts are so frightening, so gut-wrenchingly WRONG that you might be shocked stupid and paralyzed for the rest of your days. In which case, we take no responsibility you can sue us yadda yadda. AWAY!

They've golfed, they've partied, they've raced, they've... tennised? Yes, through Nintendo, Camelot and Hudson's callous ways, the assorted cast of the Mario games, including two primates who we can't quite identify, have played dozens of sports for our entertainment and torture. (and board game playing is a sport. I dare you to say otherwise. Double dog dare you. HA!) Eventually though, all that's gonna get old. (or already has, but we won't go there.) What happens then? Why, we get NEW franchises! But remember, everything on here is about Super Happy INNOVATION! With that in mind, we can someday look forward to Mario Three-Leg Racing! Mario Beanbag Toss! Mario Dunk Tank! Mario Castrations! Oh, the list goes ooon. And really, don't we all want to chop off Mario's dick?

Hey, if a good idea is a good idea, why stop with Mario? Donkey Konga will get lonely. Think of the possibilites: Donkey Kong Hopskotch, Donkey Kong Snowboarding, Donkey Kong Happy Fruit Harvesting... we keep it up, we won't even need cameo games anymore! Won't that be fun? And maybe, if we're really good and buy twenty copies of all the games, Nintendo will break down and offer us a double pack: Donkey Kong Feces Shitting and Donkey Kong Feces Flinging! You can customize your feces and swap them between games with the better-than-online-Game Boy Advance LINK CABLE! Hurrah for Nintendo! And after all of that, we'll sit down and play some proper platforming games, SHIT style, of course.

Nothing like a pristine day of walking across cel-shaded jungle with a mighty gimmick backpack mounted atop your furry vessel. Donkey Kong is an ape with a MISSION. He must fight across jungle, more jungle, and construction sites, using his backpack to replant the trees the careless Kremlings have cut down. He must also rescue the lovely but overly dressed Candy Kong from the menacing but horribly bumbling King K.Rool and his son, K.Rool Jr! Oh, and there's those other characters, Diddy and Cranky and the rest there too, but who cares about them, eh? You have trees to fix with the amazing E.Gadd Greenpeace Super Backpack Type Thing! Doesn't that sound fun, everyone?

Now, after all that, you've probably figured, "Hey, these sound like I yanked them out of my ass and sprinkled live maggots all over them! How can Nintendo possibly hope to top such AMAZING titles?" Well, look no further, friends, because Nintendo has pulled out all the stops for these next two games. For this next one, Nintendo went to the most reputable source for Donkey Kong Country in the known world. That's right, my friends, it's time for...

Yes! From the brilliant minds at Nelvana and Nintendo, the adventures of Kongo Bongo Island have come alive for you stupid dro--I mean loyal customers to buy and enjoy! As the Banana-Slammin' Donkey Kong, protect the Crystal Coconut from the evil King Ka Rool and the Scurvy pirates, while taking time out to have picnics and beat up that silly Bluster Kong. (hey, this game might not be so bad after all.) Which the brilliant gameplay you come to expect from Nintendo and the wonderfully done characters of Nelvana, Lord Harry for GCN is going to be a surefire hit! But, even it doesn't compare to what will surely be the greatest Donkey Kong game of all time...
Hahahaha! Throw away everything you knew about Donkey Kong, cause we're fucking around with everything! Why? Because we CAN! Play as the two gorillas, Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, as you trek about the suburban cities of the world, trailing the evil K.Rool from doing... bad... things! With such characters as DK's son Cranky Kong and Diddy's sister Dixie, this game has it all! Even better? Donkey Kong now possesses SUPER POWERS, like flight! Enhanced strength! Lots and lots of nifty not-ripping-off-the-Matrix-in-any-way-camera effects! What else could you possibly want in a DK, nay, a Nintendo game? What? I did not hear you, silly American fool! This is what you want, so sit down and enjoy it! BEFORE WE KILL YOUR FAMILY.

So there you have it. 5 different kinds of games that the incredible and always on top of the game Nintendo could make. Now keep in mind that all of these games are, unfortunately, purely speculation. There's no guarantee that any of them will ever be made, but if they are, you can bet we'll be there to report on their incredible SHIT-tastic features! Doesn't that sound great?

....oh my god, what have we become?

A wonderful glimpse into future dystopia by Sean.