The Definitive Species

Donkey Kong/Gorilla

A real gorilla! Wow! A rendered gorilla! Wow!

It's pretty obvious that DK is a gorilla. Lack of tail (and no place to conceal it). Five fingers. Five toes. And the standard "gorilla eyes." Plus he does the chest pounding thing that gorillas do.

Diddy and Dixie Kong/Monkeys

Some real monkeys! Gee! Some rendered monkeys! Gee!

While some people call all the Kongs "monkeys," there are only five that can hold that destinction. They both have tails, but Dixie's is tucked tightly into her shirt because it really wouldn't look good with her long hair. And unlike those other monkeys, they write their own songs.

Chunky Kong/Monkey

A real monkey! Fatty! A rendered monkey! Fatty!

This was one of the more ambiguous of the Kongs. Chunky is Kiddy's brother, but he only has four monkey-ish fingers. But Kiddy was adopted by monkeys. So Chunky is Kiddy's older brother by adoption. And he's a monkey. And his tail's tucked, of course. Confusing? Not for us!

Tiny Kong/Monkey

A real monkey! AAAHHH! A rendered monkey! AAAHHH!

This one's not too hard to figure out. Tiny is Dixie's sister. Tiny's Species = Dixie's Species. Dixie = Monkey. By some geometrical property that I can't remember, Tiny = Monkey. I'm sure her eyes will grow together with age...

Kiddy Kong/Baboon

A real baboon! Snazzy! A rendered baboon! Snazzy!

What do you get when you toss a gorilla and a monkey into a blender and glue it back together again? You get a baboon. Before Donkey Kong Country 3 was released, people were calling Kiddy a gorilla, even though he clearly didn't have all the gorilla traits. He was a genetic mixture of monkey and gorilla. And he's a baboon. Huzzah!

Lanky Kong/Orangutan

A real orangutan! Shnikeys! A rendered orangutan! Shnikeys!

Duh. Lanky is an orangutan. Features that would suggest so are the long arms, goofy grin, and above all else, the bright orange fur. If you want to argue for another species, you're a retard. Hands down. Orangutan.


A real squirrel! WHOO! A rendered squirrel! WHOO!

Conker is a squirrel. If you don't know that, why are you even alive you waste of space. The world population is 6 billion thanks to you, you freak.

Banjo Bear/Honey Bear

A real Honey Bear! Cereal! A rendered Honey Bear! Cereal!

His last name pretty much dictates his species. Even though he's not just a typical bear, he's a HONEY BEAR. However....since honey bear pictures are really hard to find (cough cough), this grizzly pic should do the job nicely.

Kazooie/Red Crested Breegull

A real red crested breegull! Trippin'! A semi-rendered polygonal red crested breegull! Trippin'!

Cough cough cough.......Kazooie is a Red Crsted Breegull, a bird native to the west coast of Africa. So that explains why you've never seen one. Until now. Isn't that a lovely snapshot?


A cartoonish human! OF BORGNINE QUALITY! A real human!  OF BORGNINE QUALITY!

If you think Kid is anything other than a human, your only excuse is if you're blind or extremely retarded. And if you're still not convinced, feed him to a cannibal. If he chows down, Kid is people. And chow he will.


A cartoonish human, SUCKA! A real human, SUCKA!

Sherry is an extremely skilled golfer for her age, and is also extremely skilled in another field: Being a homo sapien.


A cartoonish human! Masturbatory! A real human!  Masturbatory!

This N-Visor-Wearing teenager is very obviously a human. It's that photo example that I'm questioning...


A cartoonish human! Slamdiddariffic! A real human!  Slamdiddariffic!

While his earring and ponytail may make his sexuality ambiguous, Joe's species is far from it. He's as human as the next guy. Unless the next guy is a breegull or something.