Super Smash Bros. 2: I Did It My Way


It seems like a new Mario Party game is coming out every month. Personally, I think Mario Party 7 was better than 8, but the 9th one has to be the highlight of the series. My favorite part was when they rolled the dice! Oh, the delectable thought of getting a 10 on a roll is making me a little bit too excited, if you catch my wind. Just give me a moment to mellow out before I proceed.

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Nope, I still have wood.

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Just a few more seconds, brother.

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Excellent. Now then, tired sarcasm aside, I think we're all ready for something different from another Mario Party sequel. While the series is good, there's only so much you can do with it. The premise is getting tired, and quite bluntly, it needs to be put on a long-term hiatus before the franchise causes the staff at the Vine to slice our testes off in protest. There's already talk of a Mario Party 4 for GAMECUBE, and Mario Party 3 hasn't even been released outside of Japan yet. Talk about overkill. The Camelot sports titles are entertaining as well, but personally we're not exactly jumping at the possibility of "Mario Billiards" or anything. When it comes to the cameo games, there are two possible sequels we crave: Mario Kart and Super Smash Bros. Since Mario Kart Advance is slated for Game Boy Advance, and Mario Kart for GAMECUBE is practically confirmed, that leaves us with Super Smash Bros. This saucy little dyke (I asked him not to say that, but has he ever listened to me? Not recently, anyway - Chad) is unique when compared to the many other cameo games that Donkey Kong has appeared in, because it features a roster of Nintendo characters from every which way, not just the Mario series. The original game featured quite a loaded pool of main-event Nintendo talent. It was fine and dandy for a first effort, but now that they've got the idea in the minds of the public and have proven the formula to be successful, it's time to up the ante and get a little crazy with a capital "K" for GAMECUBE. Put an anus load of characters in, and not just main ones either. HAL and Nintendo need to realize they have an entire palette worth of personalities from not only their games, but Rare as well. Let's dream, shant us?

My dream Super Smash Bros. 2 character collection would look something like this. For starters, they should keep about 75 percent of the original group. Bring back Donkey, Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Link, Pikachu (yes, to be fair), Samus, Kirby, and Fox. Taking one more character from the original, I think Master Hand should also be playable (but not the main boss this time around) just for the hey-hey of it. That gives us 10 characters from SSB, and if they really want to get it licked right, they should add 12 more (which would total 10 more than the original had). What? Where? Why? Hey, I'm not Vinnie Barberino.

First of all, I think every character should have a possible partner in this twisted sister of a game (Where the hell does he get these sayings from? - Our Friend). That means when choosing the 2 versus 2 option, you can have logical teams unlike Donkey and Captain Falcon versus Ness and Mario in the original for example. So to make this mess a little more organized, I'm going to present the 10 characters I suggested above and what new characters they could let in the game to be partnered with, in addition to new characters being partnered with new characters. Hopefully somebody from Nintendo or HAL will pick up on what I wrote, and take it into serious consideration when finally making SSB2...

Character: Donkey Kong (Original)
Partner: Diddy Kong (New)

This one is too obvious. It's due time Diddy got more involved in anything, and it would finally give Donkey a partner in a cameo game that actually makes sense, not just a younger version of himself from the arcades. Plus Diddy is perhaps the most popular Kong out there (Donkey notwithstanding), and he's certainly a bigger name than Ness (even though I understand Earthbound, or Mother, games are bigger in Japan than they are here). Plus, Diddy's "big move" could involve his tail and quite an unpleasant experience for the other combatant...

Character: Mario (Original)
Partner: Luigi (Original)

Well, Mario's partner is already taken care of. So that will leave us an extra character to fool around with at the end. Sweeter than a slice of firecrackers....

Character: Banjo (New)
Partner: Mumbo (New)

Yes, I think it's time that Banjo gets a little respect. Just because he was invented by Rare doesn't mean he shouldn't make his rounds elsewhere. Plus, he's quite the southern dandy. You may be wondering why I chose Mumbo to be Banjo's partner and not Kazooie (when it's the most logical choice). The answer is that Mumbo would be more fun to fool around with. Kazooie could be featured in the game, but only to do an occasional move out of Banjo's backpack. Mumbo would have the amazing ability to transform his opponents. Imagine him facing off with Samus. Samus is getting the upper hand, and what's a shaman supposed to do? Transform that futuristic bounty hunter into George Reeves of 1960s Superman television fame! In an instant, Samus would commit suicide! Or was she really murdered? Oh, the mystery continues to this day...

Character: Yoshi (Original)
Partner: Ted (New)

As you may have guessed (since the public has been demanding this since the Hoover administration), Yoshi would team up with Ted the Boatbuilder from Conker's Pocket Tales fame to take the opposition out. No, I'm not on cocaine like America's president as of January 20th, 2001. There's a reason for this. In the instruction manual, they can explain that the "main" (the green one that's been featured in most games) Yoshi was born as an Acorn Person, but not just any Acorn Person. Yoshi was born as Ted's grandmother. It was an attack by Master Hand that dragged Yoshi in the Mushroom Dimension to Yoshi's Island, where her brain was transplanted into a male Yoshi's body. Wait! Don't quit reading this on that account! I like it, but I understand if you think that's a little too queer for a mainstream audience's taste. Plus it would alter the character of Yoshi forever, like the infamous episode of the Simpsons where they found out that Skinner wasn't really Skinner. Oh well. It's better than Yoshi's Story.

Character: Link (Original)
Partner: Loggo (New)

It's the Grim Reaper versus the Bowel Keeper, only $49.95 on Pay Per View! Oh screw you. With Link from the medieval world of Hyrule, he'd flocking fall in love with the modern plumbing wonders of Loggo. Can you imagine the reaction of our young elfin friend when he first takes a dump in something that doesn't just let the feces slop in a pile directly beneath you? The sanitation of the Hyrulian hero would go up, Loggo would finally have somebody that appreciated him, and the two would scamper off into the sunset together, man and crapper. Oh, and as you can tell from this delightful little picture, we'd need to throw a "middle of the road" boss in the game.

Middle of the Road Boss: Gregg (New)
Not exactly the main boss, Gregg would serve the purpose that fellows like Giant Donkey Kong and the Fighting Polygon Team did in the original. The yet to be introduced Grim Reaper from Conker's Bad Fur Day would be the ultimate boss. I mean, one touch from him and you die. To defeat him, you'd have to succeed in games of Battleship, Clue, and Twister. Then he'd join you as your personal servant for the rest of the game. Station!

Character: Pikachu (Original)
Partner: Ernie Hudson (New)

Some time ago an unofficial Pokemon video was released that looked at the phenomenon and how it was screwing up children's lives sending the kiddies on the right path in life. One of the people interviewed on the VHS was none other than Ernie Hudson of Ghostbusters fame. For those of you who don't know, Ernie played Winston in the two Ghostbusters movies. Mr. Hudson raved about how Pokemon was letting him connect with his kid on levels that they could never reach before or some garbage like that. So instead of having the little yellow dingleberry team with Jigglypuff or Blastoise (who I'd actually like to see in this game, but we must keep the Pokemon levels as low as possible), he should team with none other than the father of the year himself, Ernie Hudson! Is that Mario fellow causing you trouble? Whip out your proton pack and send that mustached woman player to the Containment Unit! It's Hudson power, baby! Oh wait, I thought this was a HAL game...

Character: Samus (Original)
Partner: Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo (New)

It must get lonely in space. I suppose Samus is supposed to be hot, even though we've barely seen her without her armor on (and when she was in a bikini, the graphic levels were pretty poor), but that red and yellow monstrosity doesn't really say "come and get me, big daddy." So while visiting modern day Earth for the second Super Smash Bros. tournament, she could hire the services of Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo. Not only should she get her "needs" taken care of without fingering....nevermind, Chad and Ben are giving me dirty looks through my monitor. Anyway, Deuce and her would be able to complete their transaction behind closed doors and also make quite the fighting force out in the arena as well. I'm also sure Rob Schneider would be more than happy to voice the character that brought him great fame and fortune; at the least he'd salvage some of the hopes he had for it (if he had any at all).

Character: Kirby (Original)
Partner: A 2x4 (New)

''If you want blood, you've got it.'' Kirby and the 2x4 would be the team of the new millennium. By itself, the 2x4 would be the most ruthless shoot fighter since Tank Abbott. Imagine, if you will, that you were supposed to fight a 2x4. How would you react? Yeah, that's right. You wouldn't know what to do. Guess what? The 2x4 would win by default. Kirby could then suck his teat with the 2x4. You try sucking a teat with a 2x4! It ain't easy! I don't hear you sucking any teats with a 2x4 yet! Jackasses, every last one of you.

Character: Fox (Original)
Partner: The Federalist Papers (New)

Fox McCloud and the Federalist Papers have so much in common, I'm saddened that Nintendo hasn't put these two badasses together before I suggested it. I can guarantee that in the next Star Fox game, you'll see the Federalist Papers make a cameo though. I mean, after I suggested it they'd be nuts not to. Just like Fox McCloud, the Federalist Papers were penned by John Jay, Alexander Hamilton, and James Madison. Damn John Jay, and damn anybody who doesn't stay up all night damning John Jay! Rar, you sexy thang you! Rar rar!

Character: Master Hand (Original)
Partner: The Lips From "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" (New)

Just imagine it, fudge packers! Master Hand, the source of evil from the original game, teaming with the singing lips that brought us into "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." I call this team Lennox Lewis and the Jesus Christ Superstar All-Stars. Just imagine the spinoff possibilities. I even see breakfast cereals. Probably made by Quaker, as they like 'dem oats.

Character: The Spirit of the Line "I've Got a Bad Feeling About This" That's Featured in Nearly All of George Lucas' Movies (New)
Partner: Vanilla Ice (New)

The way SSB should have been. I just realized that most of these new characters aren't owned by Nintendo or Rare. Oh, well. Let their arses (I said arse, just like every Leigh Loveday wannabe on the internet...I am Iron Man, nobody wants me, I just stare at the world...heh heh heh heh heh heh...swish swish swoom) be sued. It's not my worry, really. Anyway, The Spirit of the Line "I've Got a Bad Feeling About This" That's Featured in Nearly All of George Lucas' Movies was hidden in the Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask (e-mail aussieben@dkvine.com or chad@dkvine.com to find out how!) and I think it rightfully deserves a place in SSB2. As for Vanilla Ice, can you just imagine what the original Super Smash Bros. game would be like if he was in it? Yeah, understand that it would have been so much better than Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff is the reason for all that Bosnia madness, you realize. Vanilla Ice is as cool as ice. He can also cut a mean rug.

That concludes my special Feature. As for the main boss, I'd say let some wallpaper do it. The wallpaper shouldn't be left out in the cold, mind you.

You know what? These brownies that my hippie neighbor gave me taste a little off...


A Slush "Joint"