No, I'm not describing last year's lead up to Smash Bros' release. These are just some of the things covered in HBO's recent acclaimed true crime documentary miniseries, "The Jinx: the Life and Deaths of Robert Durst". Its in-depth look into the life of an eccentric millionaire captivated audiences, painting a chilling portrait of a bizarre old man with connections to his wife's disappearance, numerous murders, and other bizarre crimes, yet seemingly untouchable by authorities. A curse upon police, this metaphorical "jinx" of a man could apparently get away with anything. That is, until his unparalleled hubris reached its limits during one of the most tense finales in TV history (which I won't spoil here).
The recent news media phenomena that is Robert Durst matters little to the Donkey Kong Universe. What really matters is the train of thought that this documentary inspired. I'm Nick Prol (a.k.a Spuzzwick), author of DK Vine's "DKU Comix!" and amateur private detective. While recently watching HBO's "The Jinx" I realized a shocking similarity between the true crime saga and our very own DKU.
An elderly man, curmudgeonly and set in his ways, whose glory days were behind him and his wife, by all accounts a loving and caring woman, suddenly dead under mysterious circumstances?
Surely by now you realize that I was reminded of none other than the original DK himself, Cranky Kong. How did his spouse Wrinkly Kong become the ghost she is today? Why has this always been brushed aside and glossed over? What is Cranky hiding? Join me, dear readers, as I tell you the story of how I attempted to find out.
If I was to get to the bottom of this and find answers to the myriad of questions concerning Wrinkly Kong's demise I would have to visit the DKU myself and interview its residents. This, unfortunately, was impossible as I could not afford a plane ticket to the Rare Island Chain, nor could I find any airline even offering transport there for some odd reason. But fear not, dear readers, because I didn't give up there. I had connections. I knew Andrew the Necky.
Andrew the Necky is a Necky native to DK Island and an aspiring documentarian. I contacted Andrew and asked if he could arrange a few interviews with DKU characters who had any information regarding Cranky, Wrinkly, and the whole ordeal. What he managed to hook up turned out to be even better, but we'll get to that later.
Last week I received a manilla envelope in the mail from Andrew. It was labelled, simply, "Answers". Inside was a series of tapes. He had done it! He had conducted the interviews and recorded them and here they were in my sweaty palms, ready for their contents to be shared with the world. I knew I possibly held the keys to one of the DKU's most infamous unsolved mysteries. I placed the first tape into my tape player and after situating myself at my computer to transcribe what I heard, pressed play. I present to you, dear readers, the contents of those tapes, un-altered.
Andrew the Necky here.
I am currently walking down the beach towards the one they call Funky Kong. He seems to be fixing a surfboard by his shack. As you can surely hear on the recording he has music blaring from his boombox. I think I know what it---yes! It's Admiral Meatliver singing "Billy the Wimp" off of Hank Slippa's seminal album, "Warm Rodents". I personally feel that Track 3 on said album is one of Slippa's best compositions, despite the fact that June Overbirch's stellar xylophone stylings weren't present until---
"God damn it, Andrew.", I thought to myself. I asked you to conduct interviews not wax poetic about music no one cares about. I fast forwarded the tape a little.
...which of course started off the album "One Banana Fits Every Barrel" perfectly. Okay. I have reached Funky's shack.
Funky! Excuse me, Funky! My name is Andrew! Andrew the Necky! Despite my love for that song may I ask you to turn down your boombox for a moment?
I could hear the music turn off and the clanging of some tools being put down.
Woah, bro! A Necky down here on the beach? What can I do ya for, my dude? Wait--you don't work for that crooked croc K. Rool, do ya?
No! No! I'm just a simple documentarian conducting some very important interviews for a friend of mine. Do you have a second? It would be very helpful if you could tell me your thoughts on Cranky Kong. You know him well, do you not?
Ol’ Cranky? Hah! Is he havin' a documentary made about his life? Doesn't surprise me! He's a got one wicked ego, brah. That crusty coot thinks he's still the king of the Kongs round here. But hell, the old guy's alright with me. He's just a lil' ornery, y'know?
I see. What can you tell me about the day Wrinkly Kong passed away?
There was a moment of silence on the tape. I could tell Funky didn't expect this question.
Dude...there's no way Cranky would have you ask me that. Who are you makin' this for? Ah, well...it don't matter, man. It's about time someone asked about it I suppose.
Listen...us Kongs loved Wrinkly. She 's still with us as a ghost and all...but it ain't the same. To top it all off, none of us even really know how she died either. But I can tell ya somethin'...somethin' I ain't told a soul.
The day after Wrinkly passed I was out on my board catchin' a wave in her memory. In the water I found this plastic bag. A long, cylindrical plastic bag....covered in hair. I got a good sense of smell, bro. Just now, for instance, I could smell ya walkin' over. I could tell ya were a Necky. I also could tell you're not circumcised...but that's besides the point. Point is, bro, believe me when I tell ya this...the hair that bag was covered in...
I stopped the tape. Did we just hit the jackpot? Wrinkly's hair on a long plastic bag? Long enough...to fit a body perhaps? I had to hear more. I popped in the next tape.
Andrew the Necky here. Conducting an interview with the lovely miss---your name again?
The name's Candy, sugar. Candy Kong.
I thought to myself, "Jeez. Not to be judgmental but why's he interviewing this ditz? What could she possibly know about anything besides fashion and workout tips?"
Well, Miss Candy...what can you tell me about Cranky and Wrinkly's relationship?
I could hear Candy chewing bubble gum and clipping her toenails on the tape. I was tempted to just fast forward or pop in the next tape.
Well, Andy...may I call you Andy? Let me tell you that Cranky and Wrinkly had a passionate, loving relationship right up until the end. Cranky, as you know, is a rather temperamental octogenarian these days but he was very different in the past. Climbing girders and kidnapping women, he was involved in some bad stuff...but he cleaned up his act. He raised a good family and he stayed true to Wrinkly, the love of his life. Rumor has it they had the spiciest sex life on the island, maybe even rivalling mine!
But if you ask me, at the heart of all of Cranky's anger towards the other Kongs is a problematic relationship with his mother that goes back to his youth. It’s what turned Cranky into the hard-hearted, secretive old curmudgeon he is today. It's all quite tragic but it's a rather simple psychological diagnosis on my part, really. What occurs in one’s childhood can alter one’s mental state or view of the world for good and continued systematic mental alteration can lead one to be an entirely different kind of person. I learned this in my “Psychology” class at Kong College. Wrinkly taught me about it, coincidentally.
“Okay I take it back.” I thought. “Never judge a book by its cover. She's smart!"
Cranky did confess something to me once, sugar. I really shouldn’t repeat it but...what the hell.
It was after one of DK’s birthday bashes and Cranky was tipsy from too much banana ale. He confided in me that one night as a child his father took him down from his treetop bed and pointed across the jungle. There he saw his mother standing, holding a large barrel above her head. She was sleepwalking...but she was an angry sleepwalker. She threw the barrel with all her might at a nearby Gnawty, squashing it on the spot.
Cranky was frightened. It was his first time seeing his mother behave in such a way and his first time seeing violence. It changed him. He began throwing barrels at things to get his anger out. And well...the rest is history. He’s calmed down now of course. His violent days are behind him.
Candy, I must ask...and please answer honestly...is it possible that on the night of Wrinkly’s death she could have made Cranky angry somehow? And could one of his old habits from the past have returned....could he have thrown a barrel at her? Could Cranky have killed his wife then disposed of her in a plastic bag in the ocean?!?
My first instinct is to say "No". I want to say that I believe he would never be capable of that. But then again...
You never know....
That was the end of Tape 2. I was speechless. With the evidence Funky found in the water and now the information regarding Cranky’s childhood trauma and violent past...I was getting the answers I wanted but I wasn’t sure I liked what I was hearing.
I took the final tape from the envelope. It was labeled “Tape 3: Interview with Cranky”.
This was the "ace in the hole" interview I had mentioned earlier that Andrew had hooked up. An actual face-to-face interview with Cranky Kong. All Andrew had to do was bring up the plastic bag...ask Cranky about the childhood incident...bring up Wrinkly...anything to back him into a corner and make him confess. This was it. The moment of truth.
I placed Tape 3 into the player and hit play.
Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me for this interview, Cranky.
I could hear Cranky recline in his rocking chair.
Yeah, whatever. This is a documentary about the glory days of real game heroes, you say? If that's the case, I’m your man.
Why, back in my day we didn’t have Kickstarter-funded, platformer revival, retro throwback, nonsense. You were lucky if you had a quarter for the arcade machine and even then you could barely play for three seconds before dying. Why, it was a much better time when---
Sorry, sir, but I'm afraid I have to interrupt you. Funky Kong told me of a plastic bag covered in Wrinkly’s hair he found in the water the day after her passing. Can you tell me anything about that?
I could hear the creaking of Cranky’s rocking chair stop abruptly.
Cranky began to speak again, but this time his speech was interrupted by occasional coughs and burps, perhaps out of nervousness.
Hah! *cough* So this isn’t about what I thought *burp* it was. Fair play, youngster. Fair play. But in all seriousness, *burp* some plastic bag---who cares? A garbage bag maybe? I *burp* have no idea--
Well then, what about your childhood? You once saw your mother squash a Gnawty in cold blood didn’t you? Barrel throwing...do you remember barrel throwing, Cranky? When was the last time you threw a barrel?
Hah! *burp* I *cough* I’ll tell you what, you little runt...you don’t have the slightest clue. I, why I *cough* I oughtta throw you into a barrel and...
Will you excuse me? I need to hit the commode for a moment.
Did we fail? Did Cranky simply evade the questions? Was this a fruitless endeavor?
Then I realized as I heard a muffled scratchy sound on the tape...when Cranky had gotten up to use the restroom the microphone attached to his shirt was still on! I could hear him muttering to himself in the bathroom.
Cranky entered one of the stalls and began talking to himself. I took a sip of my coffee and listened more intently than I ever had in my life.
Was he talking to the toilet?
Well...the jig is up.
*the sound of urine*
This young kid’s caught me. Everybody’s gonna know the embarrassing truth...
...that I accidentally banged Wrinkly to death.
I spat out my coffee.
My beloved Wrinkly...poor old thing. Died during sex. She told me to go "all out" that night...and I did. Poor old thing just couldn’t handle it. Well...at least she went out happy.
*the toilet flushes*
And that plastic bag...hah! That was a prophylactic! Kids these days never seen ones so big I
s’pose. What can I say...I guess my banana tree is bountiful. Heh heh!
The recording cut out. That was the end of Tape 3.
I sat staring at the computer in front of me, the coffee I spat out still dripping from the screen. I noticed one last object sticking out of the envelope. It was a photograph of Andrew the Necky posing with Cranky. Next to Cranky was the ghost of Wrinkly, her arm around Cranky, smiling. A note from Andrew was attached. It read:
“Hope you like my report!”
Next to it was a note from Cranky. It read:
“Stay out of my private life, ya punk!”
And finally next to it, a note from Wrinkly’s ghost that read:
“I assure you I’m in a better place, deary. Don’t worry about little old me.”
This, dear readers, is the end of my exposé on Cranky Kong.
It turns out the man is not a murderer. He’s just a very old man...
...with a very big dick.