Slush's Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See In BFD
Back when Chad and I started this site nearly a year and a half ago, we were on the verge of DK64 mania. Being the case, nearly everything we did was Donkey Kong 64 related. I think we even posted something on how to perform DK64 abortions. In any case, we whipped up a feature detailing what characters we'd like to see in that game I've already mentioned three times in this new feature already. With Conker's Bad Fur Day being released in a very short time, I figured it would be a good idea to do it again, since we're out of original ideas. So these be the Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See In BFD. This list was a tad harder to come up with, since any character that appears in this game will probably forever have to be a "mature" character, not interacting with the "E" rated DKU characters of other games ever again. Oh well, as long as we get to see them squeeze their nipples and shit...
I made up my mind that I just wouldn't stock this with DKR racers out of laziness. Sure, many of them don't have any roles right now and with their past history with Conker they'd be perfect, but how boring would that make this list? No matter, I had to put a few DKR characters on here. I think Drumstick should be one of them. Is it because he's so suave? So appealing? So popular? Nah, I just figure that with a name like Drumstick, he could be chock full of innuendoes.
While Tiptup has fallen into quite a nice rut being a cameo star in Banjo-Kazooie games, I think he should jump ship to the Conker side of things. He already has a ridiculous amount of daughters (and one son), so just like his old friend Conker, he's matured quite a bit since his DKR debut. Oh, who am I kidding. I just want to see Tiptup in this game because Tiptup should be in every damn game ever made. Tiptup IS Jesus Christ, only not really. Okay, so not at all.
8. Very Gnawty
Very Gnawty has been in more games than any other sub-boss from the DKC trilogy. He was in the original DKC, of course. Then he dissapeared for around 43 months, until resurfacing in Banjo-Kazooie. By then he had quit the Kremling Army after all the political crap and island blowing upping had gone down, and was simply a crazy beaver living in Click Clock Wood. We last saw him in Donkey Kong Country for Game Boy Color, having just rejoined the ranks of the Kremling Army, making his B-K appearance worthless. So yeah, put him in BFD. God if I know why, I just had to fill up ten spaces. Like Drumstick though, Very Gnawty's name sounds like it would be a good fit for some of the shenanigans in this game.
Okay, so Tricky is going to be in Dinosaur Planet. What about the other three DKR bosses sans Wizpig? Don't they need some loving too? You better fudging believe they need some, and that's why they should randomly throw in the dragon boss from Dragon Woods. Only this time around, make him addicted to kronic, so he can live up to his name in more than just the fire breathing sense. A marijuana addicted former boss? Hey, they already turned Berri into a silcone bimbo, and Conker into a drunkard. What's one more character to f--k up royally (but in a good way, keep in mind)?
Lalala...hey Wizpig...it's been about three and a half years. When exactly are you planning on carrying out that "To Be Continued" message from the end of DKR, anyway? I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for a sequel, so you might as well get it done in this game. Imagine how hilarious it would be if Wizpig ran out of nowhere in the middle of a field during gameplay, only to trip and break his neck? That way a loose-end could be tied up, without any messy problems.
5. Ted the Boatbuilder
Our Friend: Well you see, since they probably won't going to offer to let me do "Our Friend's Top Ten DKU Characters We Should See In BFD," I decided to hijack one of Slush's. Ted the Boatbuilder needs to be in this game, man! I'm sick of him getting the shaft! He was introduced in Conker's Pocket Tales, but has he been seen since? I don't think so! Doesn't Rare understand that I get my jerk on to this guy? Hey Rare, I won't rest until Ted the Boatbuilder rides again! You hear me? You hear me? You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?
4. Captain Blackeye
Yes, that big old stinker Captain Blackeye. He's obviously got something to do with the B-K/B-T connection, but we're not here to argue about that. Wait, I need to talk about it a little bit to get my point across. Just a smidge, okay? S'alright? S'alright! Everybody pretty much agrees with the theory that Rare won't reveal how to go back to Banjo-Kazooie until B-T is released in Europe. What if they were really waiting for BFD, and that it was the mystery FOURTH component to unlock the secrets? Remember the DK64 rumors, and how you could use the Ice Key somewhere in that game? What if you took B-K, DK64, B-T, and BFD, threw them in one large pot, and...oh, what the Hell am I yapping on about? So, Blackeye in BFD. Yeah.
3. Queen B.
Mr. King Bee is the character in BFD that got kicked out by his wife, and then proceeds to pollinate the big breasted flower. What if Mr. King Bee was actually King Zing from DKC2 and DKL2, and the "bitch" that kicked him out was Queen B., from both versions of Donkey Kong Country? Damnit, that's the way it should have been. Now we just have two very similar characters. Well, I may not even buy BFD now, since Rare missed a golden oppurtunity to please three people on the internet...
2. Evil Acorn
So far it looks like the Evil Acorn, Conker's nemisis from Conker's Pocket Tales, won't be in BFD. What? Has K. Rool ever missed one Donkey Kong game made by Rare? Has Gruntilda skipped a beat with Banjo yet? I don't think so! Panther King, Smanther King, we want the Evil Acorn! Well, not really. He was the crappiest villian Rare ever made. Honestly, what lazy ass thought him up? Can you just imagine when they were pitching ideas for the main Conker villian at Rare HQ?
Professional Sounding Rare Ass: "So, any ideas on Conker's main foe that DOESN'T involve a large, living nut man?"
Lazy Ass: "Sure, sure! We have tons of ideas!"
Professional Sounding Rare Ass: "Fantastic! I'll just go smoke some crack now in my fancy British automobile! Ho ho!" (Leaves)
Lazy Ass: "So, living nut man it is..."
I never want to see that bastard of a character again.
Make her a whore.
What characters do YOU think should be in BFD? E-mail me and argue! Seriously, we're desperate for the letters.
A Slushian observation.