What the Fuck?
The DKU has always been about quality. Almost all of the DKU games are at least above average, with a great majority of them being among the greatest games of all time. Time and time again, DKU games have redefined the boundaries and have set the standard for other games to follow.
But there is a darker side. There is a Yang to this Yin. Yes, there is a part of Donkey Kong that is so bad I absolutely refuse to connect it in any way with the Donkey Kong Universe. What is this loathsome thing, you ask?
Yes, the Donkey Kong Country TV Show, referred to on this website as 'Lord Harry.' If you haven't seen it, be thankful. It's fucking terrible. It's like a car accident - it's so terrible you'll be sucked into watching it. It's not even DKU - but I felt a need to warn the masses, in case they ever thought for one second of watching it. You'll sit there, jaw dropping, staring at it, shocked with disbelief. Is that Diddy Kong - or a fucking DUCK?! I honestly can't tell, because in this show all the Kongs' mouths are stretched out as if they were made of rubber. Why the producers chose to do this is beyond anyone's guess. Apparently those French people were drinking a little bit too much wine the day they made this. Up yours, le batards. Thank you for taking a game series I loved and turning it into some bastardized monstrosity that shouldn't be.
Let's just look, for a moment, at exactly what it is that makes this show so horrible. Some of you might be thinking, "How can it be all bad, Klobber? It IS Donkey Kong, after all!" No it isn't. I refuse to believe it. First of all, there's the aforementioned ducky Kong problem. Second of all, everyone frowns on this show. A lot. It's almost as if the animators subconsciously knew how bad this show was when they were animating the characters. Every other scene, Donkey or Diddy or Cranky or SOMEONE frowns for no reason. You might not think something like characters frowning would get annoying. ...Oops! It does.
Frowny Kongs I could deal with, if the characters were designed well, or, say, if the show were actually good. Well, get any thoughts of this show being good out of your mind, because the show was probably made by the Anti-Christ. They had a great opportunity with this show, and blew it completely. The Donkey Kong Universe lends itself very well to television, having an enormous cast of characters and all sorts of opportunities for plots. Well, they took the characters and altered them beyond recognition, and forgot about everything else including decent plots. They took Dixie's ponytail and made it MUCH shorter than in the games. This alone makes her entire character look fucking retarded. Add to this the duck-lip syndrome that apparently plagues Donkey Kong Island, and you've got yourself a recipe for disaster. Oops! Did I say Donkey Kong Island? Forgive me, for in the show it's...Kongo Bongo Island. Yeah, I can't think of a single character in this show whose design is anywhere near the level of the games. Just look at Cranky Kong. Just...just look at him.
I think the image above speaks for itself, much like the giant penis in Banjo-Tooie. Only this is even more disturbing.
The show can't be all bad if it has K. Rool, right? I mean, he's one of my favorite video game villains of all time. Surely his presence will lend some class to the show. AHAHAHAHA! Sorry, but no dice here either. They made K. Rool a fucking idiot. Just look at his cape - in the games it was long and flowing, here, it looks like he took a baby Kremling's bib and draped it across his back. Who in their right minds actually thought this would look GOOD? He looks like a green bag full of shit with a bib on his back. Yeah, I think that sums it up pretty nicely. You can also see Candy Kong in that screenshot. Yes, that's Candy Kong. One of the few episodes I could stand to watch featured Donkey seranading her with '99 Bunches of Bananas on the Wall,' a ballad he composed himself. Candy Kong liked it. The song is as stupid as the title suggests. That should give you some idea of how idiotic her character is.
Also for whatever reason, K. Rool is obsessed with getting the Crystal
Testicle Coconut in every episode. Why? because it's magic. Possibly. Actually, I have no fucking idea what the Crystal Coconut does, if it does anything other than serve as a "plot" device. But for whatever reason, K. Rool will stop at nothing to get it. A coconut. A coconut? WHY? Does it grant wishes? Give the owner mighty powers? Hell if I want to know, and hell if I'm finding out! I've already lost way, wayyyy too many braincells typing this out so late, and I'm sure you have as well.
And the songs. Sweet tapdancing Jesus. The Kongs break out into song at the drop of the hat.
Donkey Kong: Well, Diddy, we sure did have a great adventure today! ............*stifled fart*
Diddy: GOLLY WOW, DK! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A SONG CUE TO ME!
So there you have it. The reasons why the Donkey Kong Country TV show is worse than...well, anything. Fuck nuclear weapons and anthrax - the REAL weapons of mass destruction lie in the hands of the French, with their horrible abominations of the Kong family! And their funny shaped bread.
A feature from the pits of hell by Klobber.